The next day there were lots of cars and my mum came back. Everyone came, Nana and my aunts, some of the cousins and Tess’s husband, Uncle Eamon, carrying the bags up to the bedroom. My mum was back in her normal clothes and looked fresh like she’d been having a good time. My dad was helping them bring things in from the cars. They had bottles of Guinness, egg-flip for Nana and lemonade that all went up into the front room, and Annie had some records to put on the radiogram. Tess got me first, ‘While the cat’s away, eh? What you been up to?’ I was standing in the passageway out to the backyard, watching people go up and down the stairs to the front door. I got out her way as she went to the loo. ‘I’ve got an eye in the back of my head for you,’ she said, yanking open the back door in a hurry and leaving it ajar. I went over and bolted it shut and ran upstairs.
A strange man was upside down in the front room, standing on his head with his feet up against the wall. My mum was smiling at him from the sofa, looking shy with her hands on her lap and her feet crossed. I didn’t like him, he was in the way, so I went to push him over but he was too heavy. He just looked up at me with the blood rushing to his red face and his jacket hanging down. My dad pulled me away and held me as the man pushed himself off the wall and stood up facing us. ‘I had to do that,’ he said.
‘Then please, you are welcome,’ my dad said. ‘Sit down. I won’t be long,’ and my mum echoed him, making a space beside her and saying, ‘Ejoko ...’ My dad rushed out the house taking Manus and Connor with him.
I was on my own. My mum was sitting with that man, I didn’t know where Nana was, and Eileen and Carmel were fighting over what records to put on the radiogram. Barry was twisting open the lids on all the lemonade bottles so they fizzed up and squirted everywhere while his mum, Annie, was trying to stop him and light a cigarette at the same time. Uncle Eamon put his head round the door, ‘Look at you, smoking in the rain, you’ll get a cough.’ Annie blew out her match and gave him a look as he said, ‘Give us a drink.’ She nodded at the bottles, ‘Thirsty? Mine’s a Guinness.’ He looked over and said, ‘Bridie, have you glasses?’ My mum looked up and shrugged, ‘Blind as a bat. Try in the kitchen, is Nana there?’ Annie caught my eye, ‘Go and get an opener.’ I didn’t move. ‘Or I’ll use my teeth on you,’ she said, ‘Barry, stop that!’ Eileen shouted at Carmel, ‘Oi! You’re putting your grubby fingers on it!’ ‘They’re my records I’ll have you know,’ Annie said. ‘Barry!’ He was shaking the lemonade for extra fizz.
It was too much. I ran out and dodged into the bedroom and shut the door. Busola was sitting there in the bunk bed listening. Tess was out in the backyard banging and shouting up. We heard the bolt go and the back door open. ‘What you doing?’ Eamon said. ‘It’s a terrible long queue, you’ve to wait to get out of that toilet,’ she said. ‘I told you it was haunted,’ he said, and they went in.
Busola looked at me. We didn’t say anything. We heard Nana’s voice in the kitchen – she’d wait till our dad got back before she’d drink anything. Maggie, our eldest grown-up cousin, was saying the kitchen was a mess and really dirty. Uncle Eamon was calling up the stairs to tell her get down on her knees then and clean it, and Tess was telling them shush. Maggie came out on the stairs and shouted up, ‘Mum! Mum!’ But the radiogram came on with a breathy French song, and Tess passed our door saying, ‘That’s pure filth, get that off!’ It scratched and went quiet. Then there was a burst of laughter and it went on again.
‘Don’t be a coward, go in,’ Busola said. ‘It’s your house.’
She had her wig on. She didn’t have shoes and her toes were dirty. She was the one sitting there in the bottom bunk with her back to the wall, trying to hide.
‘It’s you,’ I said. ‘You’re saying it’s me – it’s you.’
She gave a big sigh.
‘Yeah,’ she said.
We walked into the living room. They all had their shoes off and were dancing on the carpet to the end of that song. The carpet was clean. I cleaned it. There were spots of lemonade drying. My mum was still sitting down with that man.
‘Who’s that?’ Busola said.
‘That’s your uncle, Gerry, say hello,’ said Annie, going on dancing slowly so you couldn’t see her limp.
‘And who are you?’ he said, sitting forward on the sofa.
Busola looked at him a long time and didn’t answer. The music faded and the record span off into silence.
‘She says her name’s Kate. It’s still Kate?’ Tess asked.
Busola took off her wig and held it out so the comb came up like a claw out the fur, ‘No, it’s like that,’ she said, ‘Kat.’
‘Oh, she’ll claw your eyes out!’ said Annie.
‘Ah, kitty cat,’ Eileen said, reaching out to touch the wig. Busola whipped it away from her.
I liked the way Eileen and Carmel both moved back.
‘Then everyone’s to call you Kat,’ my mum said. ‘This is my brother, Gerry, and this is my daughter, Kat.’
‘Why don’t I know you?’ Busola asked.
He looked at my mum who blinked at him with her hands folded and let him answer. ‘That fella,’ he said, and he pointed at me, ‘saw me stand on my head. I’ve had my differences. Now I’m back on my feet.’
Busola looked at the wig, ‘What changed?’
‘Time changes things,’ my mum said. ‘We’re back now.’
‘Have you got children?’ I asked, because they’d be cousins.
‘No,’ he said.
My mum cleared her throat, ‘What do you want to do with that hair?’
Busola looked at her, and handed back the wig, ‘You look after it.’ Then she looked across at Gerry. ‘I’m Kat,’ she said, ‘but my real name’s Busola.’
My dad came back with whisky and crates of beer, cherryade which only Manus liked, more egg-flip, and fish and chips for everyone. I couldn’t eat mine, I still felt shook up from everyone coming, so I held on to Nana’s arm in the kitchen while she ate hers. There was music coming from the living room, and Busola was running with the girls up and down the stairs. The record changed and it was Chief Ebenezer Obey, one of my dad’s Nigerian ones. Tess raised an eyebrow at Annie who was standing smoking by the sink. Annie listened, took a puff and made a long face. I looked at Nana who was having trouble with a bone in her teeth and not noticing. Uncle Eamon saw me and said, ‘Are you listening?’
I nodded.
‘If you’re not eating, I’ll have that!’ And he grabbed my plate and pulled it to him.
‘Leave that!’ Nana said.
‘When there’s only bones, I will.’
Nana looked at me, ‘You not eating?’
I shook my head.
‘And when he’s only bones,’ he said, ‘I’ll finish the job!’
I didn’t mind him eating my fish and chips, or tapping his foot loudly out of step to the music when he couldn’t keep up with it going double-quick. He was fierce but he was keeping Tess and Annie quiet and making Nana laugh as he grinned over a bad chip and chucked it on her plate, ‘That’s for you!’
‘Go on,’ Nana said, knocking the side of my ribs with her elbow, ‘see if they’re finished in there.’
My mum and dad were dancing to the music, going down really low and lifting each other up again. Manus and Connor and Barry were on the sofa with their plates empty on their laps and their mouths open watching Gerry doing a mad dance of his own in front of the window. Maggie was looking at the album cover by the radiogram where she’d taken over, ‘Funny music, in’t it?’ But no one listened to what she was saying. Carmel came in behind me and looked round the room. ‘Can you wiggle your bum like that?’ she said. I looked at her, because the last time I saw her she didn’t say two words to me. ‘No,’ I said, ‘you have to be a girl.’ I looked over her shoulder for Busola, but my eyes dropped when I heard her down in the hall with Eileen and remembered she was calling herself Kat. ‘Your mum’s nice.’ I looked at Carmel again, and felt jealous she’d had my mum off me. But it wasn’t her fault and she’d brought her back. ‘So’s your dad,’ I said. She looked at me. Her face was soft and white like bread and anything you’d say could hurt and leave a mark because she took it all in and her eyes were half closed trying to stop it. She looked at me from a long way away, seeing who I was, and then suddenly switched off and turned away and I could feel it was me who wasn’t being nice to her. I felt a pang about pushing her away. ‘Do you want to dance?’ I said. She turned and looked back at me as I bobbed up and down. ‘No,’ she said, ‘dance with Uncle Gerry,’ and went down the half-stairs to the kitchen.
‘Come and join us,’ my mum said, holding her hand out. It was the first time she’d noticed me and my knees locked so I couldn’t bob any more. She went and forgot about me. I was gonna fall over because my legs couldn’t move from pulling in different directions, and I wasn’t strong enough to keep my balance. Connor called out from the sofa, ‘He can’t dance.’ My dad came over and picked me up. I hung on to his neck and buried my face in his shoulder while he swayed. ‘What’s the matter?’ my mum said, putting her hand on my back, but it was too late, the music ended and Maggie took the record off. I clung on to my dad. He was still swaying, and she said, ‘Give him to me.’ I wouldn’t let go as he tried to take my arm off his neck. ‘Come on,’ she said. ‘This one’s for you, Gerry,’ Maggie laughed. He was collapsed in a heap on the floor, his back against the wall by the windows. ‘The British Army,’ she said. ‘Oh no, not that!’ my mum said. Maggie giggled and put it on. It was The Dubliners, and it went straight into singing about monkeys up in the zoo. Gerry sprang up and did a madder dance with his knees up, stomping round like he was gonna break the floorboards. My dad got out the way and gave me to my mum, and everyone pulled their legs up on to the sofa. Maggie was bobbing her head by the radiogram and my dad stuck his knees up in the air and ducked down and went mad as well. He was stomping round, linking arms with Gerry so the two of them were turning in the room like giants smashing everything in the way. ‘Ouch,’ my mum said, because I was grabbing her too tight, ‘Mind those bottles, you’ll knock the table over!’ Busola and Eileen stuck their heads round the door, with the needle scratching and jumping on the record, pushing each other to go in. ‘Go on, now, the two of you,’ my mum said, ‘out the way.’ She carried me out and into the bedroom, closing the door as the music ended with a big crash like everyone had jumped on the floor at once and sent the bottles flying.
There were scurries outside as my dad sent Busola for the dustpan and brush, and the next song came on like it was spreading ripples softly over everything and letting you breathe. My mum was listening as she sat down with me on Manus’s bed and gave me a hug. She smelt like the fat roses up by the houses on Kennington Lane.
‘Mum,’ I said.
‘Yes?’
I shook my head because I didn’t have anything to say. She put her nose up under mine and lifted my head so she could see me. I looked into her eyes and started sobbing.
‘Alannah, alannah!’ She hugged me tight, ‘Don’t cry, I’m back.’
People were going up and down past the door so I held it down as she rocked me and rubbed my back. But then it burst out again and my whole face was wet with feeling stupid. I could feel my chin wobbling and pushed in to her to get warm. She let me for a while, until I calmed down, and then she wiped my face with her hand and said, ‘Have you had something to eat?’
I looked up and her eyes were different colours of sky. I touched her face and her skin was warm, it was like Carmel’s, like milk. She had Nana’s high forehead and her hair was brushed back and shiny in the light from the window. I grabbed her jaw and squeezed. She took hold of my hand and kissed it, but then I felt trapped so I pulled it away.
‘Was it Daddy’s fault?’
‘Sh,’ she said. ‘No one’s. It just happens.’
‘Was it Kat?’
My mum shook her head, ‘She’ll tell us herself what her name is. It’ll all be fine.’
‘What if it happens again?’ I said.
‘I’ve just got back. You can’t be pushing me out the door.’
I had to smile, but I couldn’t let her put me off. ‘I want to come with you,’ I said.
‘It won’t happen. I’m not going anywhere.’
It must have looked like I couldn’t see that far in the future, because she said, ‘Look at my wedding ring,’ and held it up to the light. ‘I’ll never take that off. He’ll have to pull the house down on top and bury me in it. I’m staying.’
She sounded like Kat.
‘What makes – ?’
I stopped because they were pushing Nana up the stairs past the landing to the front room to get her to dance and she was saying she wasn’t ready. Uncle Eamon was saying she was too old to be standing on the shelf.
‘Who’s Gerry?’ I said.
‘Uncle Gerry to you,’ and she blinked at me. ‘That’s a long story and we’ll leave it for another time. Now, are you ready?’
I didn’t want to go, but I nodded.
She put me off her lap and said, ‘Stand there, let me see you. Are you presentable?’
I took a deep breath, and she wiped my chin with the back of her hand.
Everyone was singing while my dad danced with Nana round the room. It was late and people were drinking Guinness. Gerry called it the blonde lady in the black skirts, telling the story of what happened to their uncle in New York who got taken in by the Salvation Army and ended up dying with a few pennies tucked away, only for a woman who wasn’t there when he was drinking himself to death to come and take it all. My aunts shouted him down saying he’d got it wrong, but then they were all singing her hair hung over her shoulder, tied up with a black velvet band for Nana, and it was connected but I wasn’t sure how, except they were drinking and I could see the woman standing there when they sang her eyes they shone like diamonds. Nana reached up and gave my dad a kiss on the cheek and sat down. Then it was my mum’s turn to sing with Busola sitting on her lap and everyone looking to see what would happen after she stopped trying to say she wasn’t going to. She turned and praised my dad, she said he was handsome and an education. And she thanked him for it. She hadn’t expected this in her life. She was going to hold on to it with all her strength, but would he leave off telling himself she was older than she was?
I hadn’t thought about my mum being old before. I didn’t know how old she was. She’d always been there. ‘You’re young till you aren’t,’ Tess said, ‘come on, give us a song.’
‘Will you sing it with me?’ my mum said to Busola. Only she was talking to Kat because that’s who squirmed in her lap and tried to slide off, but my mum wouldn’t let her.
‘Jaysus, will you look at that,’ Uncle Eamon said. ‘You’d think the holy water touched her.’ He shook his fist under her chin, ‘You’ll sing or I’ll murder you with this!’
It was Kat who started, and my mum joined in. They sang and my dad filled everyone’s glass. Nana had her egg-flip and she joined in, swaying her glass from side to side. And by the end Maggie and Tess and Annie and Eileen were singing as well, A mother’s love’s a blessing, with Tess looking tough at me for the bit that went Keep her while you’ve got her, you’ll miss her when she’s gone ... I was watching Busola, looking down at the floor under her dark eyelashes. They all had the words a bit different and were spilling over each other, but Busola wasn’t listening to them, she wasn’t even really singing any more, she was leaning back against my mum and talking to herself ... For you’ll never miss a mother’s love till she’s buried beneath the clay.
It ended and a cheer went up and a mood came down that something was missing. Uncle Eamon leaned into the middle and cupped his ear, ‘What were you singing?’ Busola looked up, and shook her head. ‘If you could remember the words, you could put a tune to it,’ he said. Tess slapped him on the arm, ‘Bit less of your lip.’ I could see Busola keeping still – I thought she was going to say something, but she didn’t. ‘No, I’ve a question,’ he said, ‘for Kat. Did you choose those curtains?’ They were drawn closed across one window and pulled open from the other one to let in the air. Everyone started laughing, and didn’t stop. ‘Did you?’ I didn’t know what they were laughing about. The only people not laughing were me and Busola and my dad. Annie came off her chair and went down on one knee for breath. My mum was laughing with a hand up shielding her eyes, and Manus was hiding his face behind Barry’s back who was laughing because everyone else was. ‘They make your skin itch,’ Connor said when I shook my head at him. ‘Fibreglass,’ said Annie, trying to get back up on the chair and slipping and falling over. The laughing went on again. Nana wiped her eyes behind her glasses, holding her egg-flip up in one hand until Maggie took it off her to stop it spilling. ‘It’s the same colour as this, in’t it?’ Maggie said, making a face at the sticky yellow as she put the glass on the table. Nana went into a coughing fit and my mum started patting her on the back then thumping it. ‘You could choke on the custard,’ Uncle Eamon said, stirring it up all over again. I looked at my dad, he wasn’t saying anything but it was the way he had his face tilted up, he wasn’t pleased. ‘Arrah, I’ve seen worse on a skirt,’ Gerry said, ‘but at least it’s up over their heads.’ There was a pause, and Annie said, ‘What would you know?’ The laughter changed and ran through them like they were shocked at what she’d said. I looked at the curtains again, they were made from material that crackled when you touched it. But I didn’t see how that could make people laugh. ‘ Slow down,’ Tess said, ‘there’s children about.’ Carmel was frowning, so it wasn’t just me. Eileen had gone back to sorting through the records and looked up, she didn’t get it either. Eamon raised his glass, ‘Ah, it’s only a bit fun,’ he said. ‘Curtains to die for,’ and he looked at my dad. ‘Did you dye them that colour?’
‘You’re just being rude,’ Busola said, and she was looking at Uncle Eamon. ‘And I don’t like the way you touch me.’
Suddenly the room was empty and everyone was gone. My mum and dad were downstairs seeing them off into the street, with the windows and doors open so I could hear the voices outside. Just me and Busola were left with the drinks on the table and on the radiogram and beside the chairs, so we were quickly tasting them all. The egg-flip was sticky and sweet, but had a strong smell of paint so I left it. When I put my tongue in the Guinness it was horrible, like licking the end of a battery, and I said, ‘Eaeuch!’ Busola looked up at me with a glass of whisky and giggled, ‘If you don’t like it, don’t drink it.’
‘Is your name really Kat?’ I was thinking how easily she could break up the evening. It was like she’d got a stick to an ants’ nest and you could see them all running about trying to fix it – but you’d have to drop the stick and move back. She didn’t, she sat up on my mum’s knee and looked at everyone. No one told her off, but it could have gone really wrong. Carmel said she was tired and wanted to go home. Tess and Nana were out the door putting on their coats, and Connor had to run after them with Nana’s hat. Manus helped Maggie and Eileen with Barry and sorting the records, while my dad shook Gerry’s hand and Annie went out to the toilet. Uncle Eamon went down carrying Carmel half asleep in his arms, then my mum got up from holding Busola and threw back the curtains and opened wide the windows. The night air came into the room and smoke started clearing in the draught. I could smell rain outside and the stale smell of beer. My mum went downstairs with my dad and Gerry, and everyone was out in the street.
‘It really is,’ she said.
‘What do you want me to call you?’
She took another sip of the whisky, and cleaned her teeth with her tongue. ‘Call me Kat.’
‘Who’s that?’
‘Try the whisky,’ she said, ‘it’s nice.’
‘You’ll get drunk,’ I said.
And she laughed.
One by one the cars started up, and I had a quick go at the beer. It was stale, so I spat it back in the glass and shook my head. Connor came in and saw me, ‘Don’t let him catch you.’ And he looked at Kat, ‘What d’you do that for?’
‘She doesn’t need them,’ she said, ‘she’s got us.’
‘You think you’re clever.’
‘You don’t have him touching your bum.’
‘Why does he do that?’ I said, and they both looked at me.
‘Because he thinks he can,’ Kat said.
‘You’re making it up,’ said Connor.
She just looked at him.
‘Why d’you have to spoil everything?’
She didn’t answer, she just tilted her head sideways and waited. ‘See?’ she said. ‘You don’t wanna know.’
I didn’t want him to punch her so I moved in the way. He saw me but he was listening to my mum and dad calling goodnight on the street and the cars going.
‘They don’t come for us,’ she said. ‘Let ’em go to the pub and get drunk.’
His eyes came back from the window, ‘What about Nana?’
‘She can come on her own.’
Manus came in and put a finger to his lips, ‘No one say anything.’ The front door clunked shut downstairs. ‘Look like you’re tidying so we can go to bed.’
I could hear my mum and dad moving about. They were clearing, going up and down to the kitchen, and taking empty bottles out the back to the bins. From the bottom bunk I could hear Manus and Connor breathing but I couldn’t hear Kat, so I poked my foot up against the springs, ‘You awake?’
‘No,’ she said, leaning over the top.
‘Sh.’ It was Connor.
‘Shut up,’ Manus said, ‘listen.’
I locked my ears into the sounds from the front room. They’d stopped what they were doing. She was crying, he was asking questions. I couldn’t hear what he was saying. Manus got up and stuck his shoulder into the corner by the door so he could hang his head down and listen like my mum when she was worried. I got up and put my ear down to the gap under the door where light was coming in from the landing. Kat scrambled down the ladder and put her arms round Manus’s middle. Her ear moved to the keyhole. Connor sat up on the edge of his bed and told me to stop breathing. We all listened.
‘They’ll close their doors.’ It was my mum. I thought of the car doors slamming again.
‘They are your people?’ His voice was on her side, telling her what to do. ‘You have to keep them.’
‘How can I?’
There was a pause as the front door banged opened downstairs, and voices of a man and a woman came into the hall. It was Mr Ajani but I didn’t know who the woman was. They went talking into the back room, then the front-room door swung open and I saw my dad’s shoes on the landing. We all made a big noise stampeding back into bed. He didn’t come in, he just called out, ‘Go to sleep.’ The front-room door closed shut behind him and it went quiet until the music went on and then got turned down low. It was their song, the one they played and danced to themselves, Don’t forget who’s taking you home, and in whose arms you’re gonna be ...
‘They make me sick,’ Connor said.
‘Who asked you?’ said Manus.
‘Did you smoke a cigarette?’ Kat said.
‘No,’ said Connor.
‘I did, with Eileen in the bathroom,’ she said.
‘And I had beer and cherryade with Barry,’ Manus said.
‘And I drank the Guinness,’ I said, ‘and the beer. And Kat had the whisky.’
‘You shut up,’ she said.
‘Who’s Kat?’ It was Manus, and she didn’t answer.
I pushed my foot up against her back on the top bunk but she didn’t move.
‘Who you gonna be?’ Connor said.
She turned over in the bunk, and I could hear her taking a deep breath. ‘I’m Kat,’ she said. ‘I’m Kat outside, and Busola inside.’
There was a grumpy snort from Manus.
No one said anything. I could hear the music going on quietly, Oh darling, save the last dance for me ...
Manus shook in his sleep and half woke up, ‘What’s that?’ But he sighed and carried on sleeping.
‘Drunk,’ said Kat. ‘Better not tell Daddy.’
Connor turned over in his bed, ‘You will anyway.’
‘Why don’t you run away?’ she said.
He didn’t move, I could feel my heart beating fast but he pulled the covers over his shoulder with his back to us, ‘You fuck off back to Liverpool.’
My face was hot and I felt shaky. The sheets hadn’t been changed for a long time and felt grubby. There wasn’t any air under the blankets so I got up out the bed and went over and held open the curtain on the window. The moon was up over the backyards, clear of the rain and bright, with clouds going across, dark in the middle and silver at the edges. I put my forehead on the cold glass to cool down and looked into the backyard where a light was on in the downstairs kitchen, then went off. I pulled my head back because I’d forgotten the curtain was itchy on the side of my face, making my eye sore and sticky. Manus was snoring and Connor’s back was silver in the moonlight with the sheet folded over the blanket. I took my hand away and let the curtain close, feeling my way back to bed. I listened for my mum and dad but I couldn’t hear them, the music had stopped. I heard laughter downstairs. Then it went quiet. I got in the sheets and covered up, trying not to shiver. Busola turned over in the top bunk.
‘Anyway, you can’t split ’em up,’ she said. ‘I’ve tried.’