Ways to stop humans mid-coitus:
- Bark.
- Hop on the couch next to them.
- Act like you need to go outside.
- Stare at them awkwardly.
- Lick any exposed skin.
Mr. Nate and Jackson arrived promptly at seven. They’d both bathed, and Mr. Nate had shaved and put on a clean T-shirt, one without any holes in it. I had to assume my first analysis of the situation had been correct. This was a date.
I sniffed at Jackson. “Why do you smell like vanilla?”
Jackson flopped down on the floor. “He made me do it. I rolled in something nasty I found behind the shop, and the boss wanted me to smell nice for tonight. Where’s the pizza?”
The doorbell rang, and I ran to it with joyful anticipation. Miss Josie had ordered two pizzas. One smelled like spinach and cheese, and the other smelled like a dream.
“What is that glorious aroma?” I asked.
Jackson took a deep whiff. “It’s kielbasa, my friend. A fantastically fatty delight.”
“I think I’ve died and gone to heaven,” I said, as we went upstairs to Miss Josie’s apartment.
Jackson laughed. “You won’t get any kielbasa tonight. Your intestines are still in recovery mode. You’re probably on the special diet from the vet. It comes in a can. It doesn’t taste anywhere near as good as kielbasa.”
He was right. As Mr. Nate and Miss Josie sat on the couch, nibbling pizza, and sipping red wine, I ate a meal of canned meat and rice. Yes, it felt good on my sore tummy, but I still wanted to try kielbasa. Sadly, Mr. Nate refused to give me any.
“Sorry, Capone,” he said when I put my paw on his knee and looked up at him longingly. “No people food for you tonight.”
Realizing I would get nowhere with him, I flopped down on his feet in despair. Not even getting a bite of pizza filled me with regret for my earlier indiscretions.
“I called the police after I got home from the vet,” said Miss Josie. “Officer Stahl came over to check on us.”
“I’m glad. Even our shop in New York hasn’t had as many break-in attempts as yours, and this is the safest town I’ve ever visited. It doesn’t make sense.”
“Officer Stahl told me the same thing. He’s happy about the new alarm system, the padlock on the garden door, and about Capone. He said a barking dog is an excellent deterrent.”
“He’s right,” said Mr. Nate. “So, I guess you’ve finally realized Capone is perfect?”
“Not by a long shot. But he’s mine. Speaking of which, I need to change his name. He deserves something better. What do you think of Darcy?”
I jumped to my feet, hoping this might be my big moment, but Mr. Nate ruined it. “I think Capone suits him, but I’m biased. I grew up in Chicago.”
“Well, I guess that explains your fondness for my dog’s awful name.”
He laughed. “I wouldn’t call it a fondness. It’s more like a healthy level of respect. How about you? Are you from Beaver?”
“Born and raised,” she said.
“And your parents live in Beaver, too?”
She shook her head and took a sip of wine. “They died. It happened a few years ago.”
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.”
“It’s okay,” she said softly.
“Do you have other family here?”
“No.” She gave him a sad little smile. “I was an only child, and my father traveled a great deal for business. My mother homeschooled me so we could travel with him, but this was always our home base. We had a house on River Road, and Anne lived next door. She’s ten years older, but we’ve been friends forever.” She dusted some crumbs off her skirt. “When I had the offer to work for Mr. Bartleby, it seemed like the perfect fit. Beaver has always felt like home to me.”
“I get it,” he said. “Travelling isn’t always easy. It must be nice to stay in one place.”
“I think so. Do you travel a lot?”
“I do.”
“How long have you been working at the coffee shop?” she asked.
He reached for the wine and poured her more. “For a few years now.”
“I’ve heard it’s a great company.”
“It is,” he said. “I know you aren’t particularly fond of coffee…” She made a face, and he laughed. “But First Impressions is innovative, both because of the coffee and how it’s acquired.”
“Do you mean the whole free trade thing? I read about it online.”
He wiped his mouth with a napkin. “You’ve been investigating us?”
She blushed. “No, but I’m curious.”
“I’m teasing you. I’m proud of what we do. We offer a great product, and we’re helping coffee farmers all over the world have easier lives. What could be better?”
“How did you get into this?”
“Well,” he said, leaning back on the couch, “It’s kind of a long story. I joined the Peace Corps after college and lived in Guatemala. I saw the struggles of farmers first hand, and I wanted to do something to help. I went back home, got my MBA, and then started working.”
“What did you study undergrad?”
“I had a dual major. Math and anthropology.”
She twirled a lock of hair with her finger. “An interesting combination.”
“I also have a minor in gender and women’s studies, but I got it by accident.”
“How?” she asked with a giggle.
“It overlapped with anthropology, but I thought it would be useful, both personally and professionally. I grew up in a house full of brothers.”
“How many?” she asked, tucking her legs beneath her on the blue velvet couch.
“Five,” he said, and laughed at her startled reaction. “Jimmy, Ricky, Tommy, Billy, Mickey, and me.”
“You’re fortunate. I always wished I’d had brothers and sisters,” she said, with a slightly loopy smile. They’d nearly polished off the entire bottle of wine, and Miss Josie, from what I could tell, was a lightweight. “It was always just me and my parents.”
“You have no other family at all?
My heart squeezed in my chest at the expression on her face. “I have Anne, who’s like family, but a brother or a sister would have made it less lonely. Are you close to your brothers?”
“I am.”
She grinned. “Did they call you Baby Nate? I bet they did.”
“Stop,” he said, covering his face with his hands. “You’re bringing back so many painful memories of wedgies and noogies and being dared to do things that always got me in trouble.”
She giggled, pulling his hands away from his face. “Poor you,” she said. “Poor Baby Nate.”
“You’ll pay,” he said. I’m not sure what he intended to do, but somehow Miss Josie ended up on his lap and he was kissing her. Enthusiastically. And she kissed him right back. It made me wonder what this man learned in his women’s studies classes.
“Grab some popcorn,” said Jackson, his jaw dropping. “I think we’re about to get quite the show.”
“Whatever do you mean?” I asked.
“Blondie and the boss man are about to get it on.” He punctuated the last few words with pelvic thrusts, the effect both disturbing and mesmerizing.
“They’re going to consummate their relationship?” I asked, horrified, but one glance at Miss Josie and Mr. Nate told me it could be a real possibility. Miss Josie had gone from sitting daintily on his lap to straddling him, and Mr. Nate now had his hands in places his hands had never been before.
“I prefer to call it something else, but no matter how you say it, the results are the same. They are about to do the deed. This is awesome.”
This was not awesome; it was a disaster. Who knew how long Mr. Nate would stay here before he left to open another coffee shop? It probably wouldn’t be long. Falling in love with him had to be the worst idea ever. I needed to save her from herself.
If I could have spoken, I would have said, “Stop! Stop this madness before you both make a mistake you’ll live to regret.” Instead, I jumped on the couch and barked in their faces.
Mr. Nate continued to kiss his way down Miss Josie’s neck, but Miss Josie came out of whatever trance he had her under and looked at me in surprise. “What is it, boy? Do you need to go outside?”
I ran to the door, tail wagging. If that was what it took to get Miss Josie off Mr. Nate’s lap and away from his lips, I certainly did need to go outside. Now. Immediately. Pronto.
Miss Josie pulled away from Mr. Nate gently, giving him a shy smile. “I’d better let him out.”
“I’ll go with you,” said Mr. Nate, getting to his feet and entwining her fingers with his. “Jackson and I could both use some air.”
“Don’t bring me into this, Mr. Casanova,” said Jackson. “I wasn’t the one locking lips with the librarian on the couch a few minutes ago.”
I shuddered at his imagery. “Please don’t. I saved them from making a huge mistake.”
“The night is still young, pup. Maybe they intend to do it al fresco.”
“Al fresco?”
“A fancy way to say outside,” he said with a lustful gleam in his eye. “Which was how I always did it before I lost my you-know-whats. There was a poodle back in Chicago I got to know well, if you understand my meaning. Those were the days. Poodles are crazy but so worth it. Take my advice on this.”
“Uh, okay.”
Note to self: Don’t take Jackson’s advice on anything.
I honestly had no idea what Jackson was talking about, but I had other concerns. I needed to fake pee on several bushes so Miss Josie wouldn’t get suspicious. Fake peeing is hard, especially since I had to keep my eye on Miss Josie and Mr. Nate to make sure they didn’t start on the path to perdition once again.
Fortunately, it seemed the night air had cooled their ardors and brought them back to their senses. Mr. Nate took both of her hands in his and stared down at her. The stars sparkled above them like diamonds, and the moon shone full and bright. If there hadn’t been so much at stake, I would have thought it was the perfect night for a romantic rendezvous. As things stood, however, I exhaled in relief when Mr. Nate announced the time had come for him and Jackson to return home.
“Thank you for a wonderful, amazing, perfect evening.”
He punctuated the last few words with soft, sweet kisses. Had I actually thought Mr. Nate was shy? I’d been wrong about him. He seemed un-shy at the moment. Mr. Kissy McKissypants.
Miss Josie let out a breathless sigh and leaned against him, her body molding to his like it was meant to be there. Like they somehow fit. As their kiss deepened, I had no option but to start barking again. And hopping. And body slamming both of them until they broke apart.
“What the heck, Capone?” asked Miss Josie, her eyes still dazed from the kisses.
Mr. Nate grinned. “He’s jealous. Capone doesn’t like it when I kiss you.” To prove his point, he kissed her again. I couldn’t let them continue, so I had to start barking again, which made both of them think Mr. Nate had been right.
“How funny,” said Miss Josie with a laugh. “Capone is jealous of Baby Nate. Who’d have thought?”
Mr. Nate rolled his eyes, pulling her close for one last kiss. “On that note, I think Jackson and I should say goodnight. Lock up after I leave, okay?”
“I will.”
It may have been my imagination, but both of them seemed rather disinclined to part ways. I barked again to speed up the process, and they laughed.
“Goodnight, Nate.”
“Goodnight, Josie. And Capone.”
As the door to the garden closed behind them, Miss Josie firmly locked it and leaned against it, a happy smile on her pretty face and her eyes sparkling nearly as much as the stars above us. I didn’t have any experience at all in matters of the heart, but if Miss Josie fell for the wrong guy, she’d never find her Mr. Darcy.
Oh, calamity. This was very bad indeed.