The rules of doggie daycare:
- Do not talk about doggie daycare.
- DO NOT talk about doggie daycare!
- If someone goes limp or taps out, doggie daycare is over.
- Only ten dogs in the big doggie area at a time.
- No fancy collars, no doggie sweaters, no chew toys.
- Doggie daycare will go on as long as it has to.
- Do not show weakness.
- Do not be a dog bully.
- Do not hump without prior consent.
- If this is your first time in the big dog room, you will get hazed.
As Sexy Trainer Dude led me to doggie daycare, my little Labradorean heart filled with terror. Brutus, Goliath, and Stevie already waited for me in the big dog room, as did Hans. The only good news was that my buddy Townsend, the giant goldendoodle, romped around the room, too.
“Hey, Capone,” he said happily. He didn’t seem to notice the four German shepherds, or, if he did, he didn’t care.
“Hi, Townsend.” I looked nervously over his shoulder, hard to do because Townsend kept bouncing.
“I’m so glad you’re here,” he said. “This place is great. We can run and play and hang out with our new friends. We’re going to have a blast.”
“Come play with me, little puppy,” said Hans, baring his teeth. I nearly peed myself.
Hans was big, intimidating, mean, and out for revenge. Thankfully, Townsend stood next to me, a big pile of doodle happiness, and a good friend. I didn’t know if I could handle this alone.
“Townsend?” Jenny’s voice made me jump. “What are you doing in the big dog room?”
One of the other Misty Mountain employees, a slim young man named Kyle with tattoos and purple hair, raised a pierced eyebrow at her. “But Townsend is huge. He’s bigger than all the other dogs.”
Jenny pursed her lips, digging through Townsend’s fur to find his collar and leash him up. “We separate them by weight. Townsend might seem big, but he’s all fur. Underneath this,” she said, grabbing a handful of his fur. “He’s tiny.”
As she pulled Townsend out of the room, my hopes for a peaceful resolution to the conflict with Hans went with her. Besides the pack of growling German shepherds, the only other dogs around were an elderly golden retriever snoring in the corner of the room and a stressed-out boxer who did not want to get involved. When I tried to make eye contact with him, and plead for help, he looked away.
I understood it. If I were a random dog, I wouldn’t want Hans and his gang to notice me either.
Jenny had barely closed the door behind her when the other dogs moved in, all pointy teeth and open hostility. They were big, hairy, mean, and filled with a thirst for vengeance.
“I’m going to tear you apart limb by limb,” said Hans.
“Limb by limb,” growled the others in unison.
“I’m going to make you wish you never insulted me.”
“Yeah,” said the others, getting into it. “No one insults Hans.”
“I’m going to tear your little hairy balls off and have them for lunch.”
The other dogs looked at each other in surprise. “Uh, you’re going to do what, Hans? Tear off his balls? Are you serious?” asked Stevie. It gave me hope that perhaps they weren’t all as keen on this idea as Hans.
“It seems harsh,” said Brutus. “I mean, sure, rough him up, but castration? You’re kidding, right?”
“Dude,” said Goliath. “I am not okay with this.”
Hans spoke through gritted teeth, his voice soft. “Back me up on this. I’m engaging in hyperbole. I’m not going to…you know…”
“Ohhhhh,” they said, nodding in unison. They shot me a wilting glare, enjoying how I trembled from head to toe.
“Stand up for yourself, Capone,” said a voice from beyond the partition. It was Gracie. “Don’t let those morons intimidate you.”
Curse my timid nature.
I couldn’t be a gentleman right now. I needed to be, well, Capone-ish. I uncurled from the fetal position and forced myself to stand, even though my legs shook. As I walked toward them, I straightened my spine and lowered my head as my hackles went up.
“Go ahead and bite off my balls,” I said. “I dare you.”
Okay, maybe not my best idea. I honestly didn’t want Hans or his friends anywhere near my balls, but I’d issued an ultimatum. The other German shepherds backed off, but Hans stood his ground.
He growled, and I growled back at him. When he lunged at me, I felt a sharp tug, followed by a stinging sensation coming from my ear.
“What happened?” I asked, turning my head from side to side.
Hans backed off, his expression mortified. He spit something onto the ground, and although I couldn’t see it, the other dogs stared in horrified fascination.
Something wet and warm splattered all over the floor. I didn’t know what it was, nor did I understand why Hans and his friends suddenly turned and ran away from me. I followed, trotting along behind them.
“What is it? What’s going on?” I asked.
What began as a gang of German shepherds trying to intimidate a lone puppy turned into a strange game of chase. When Jenny came in a few minutes later to check on us, she screamed, and called Sexy Trainer Dude over to help.
“He’s bleeding,” she said. “There’s blood all over the place.”
Blood? What blood?
When Sexy Trainer Dude rushed in, I realized flecks of blood covered the floor and the cowering pack of German shepherds. There was also blood on the boxer, who looked like he wished he had not come to doggie daycare today, and on the sleeping golden retriever, who still lay snoring in the corner. Most of all, there was blood on me.
“What happened?” I asked, turning my head back and forth as more blood splattered in all directions.
“I’m so sorry,” said Hans. “I didn’t mean to do it.”
“Do what?” I asked, turning my head again—another spray of blood shot around the room.
Hans groaned. “Stop moving your head. It’s your ear. I bit off part of your ear. Mein Gott. I’ve never seen so much blood.”
The blood did seem to come from my ear, but, oddly enough, my ear didn’t even hurt. Sexy Trainer Dude, who was being kind, took me to the back room and carefully bandaged my ear after he managed to stop the bleeding.
“You’re a good dog,” he said, patting me on the head. I licked his face in gratitude, and he laughed. “And now we have to call your owner. Prepare yourself. I suspect there will be tears, and there is nothing worse than seeing a lady cry. It’s torture.”
I looked at him in surprise. Sexy Trainer Dude gave off a strict, militant vibe, but getting part of my ear ripped off had shown me he wasn’t all discipline and precision. He had a gentle side as well.
Note to self: Sexy Trainer Dude might actually be a gentleman.
And he’d been right about Miss Josie. When she saw my poor, bandaged ear, she wept. “What happened?”
Cedric stood behind her, looking less than sympathetic. Sexy Trainer Dude removed the bandage to show her the damage. “It isn’t as bad as we initially thought,” he said. “Just a tiny wound. I think it’ll probably heal on its own.”
Miss Josie hugged me close. “But what happened?” she asked again.
“He got into a tussle with one of the other dogs,” said Sexy Trainer Dude. “And judging by the level of guilt and remorse Hans currently exhibits, we can safely guess it’s him.”
We looked through the window to the big dog area. Hans sat facing the corner, head bowed. He did indeed look sorry about what had happened. I wondered if this might mean he’d be more agreeable with me from now on.
Miss Josie’s lips twitched when she saw Hans. “Yes, I’d say he’s the one.” She examined my ear. “You don’t think he needs stitches?”
Sexy Trainer Dude shook his head. “I cleaned it before I bandaged it but put a little antibacterial cream on it when you get home, to be on the safe side.” He put his hands on his lean hips. “I’m sorry. I have no idea why Hans would do something like this. We’ll keep Capone in the puppy room for the time being.”
“Thanks,” said Miss Josie.
“You should have done so in the first place,” said Cedric. “We were having brunch when you called. You interrupted us.”
Miss Josie gasped. “Cedric—”
“And we aren’t paying for this session,” Cedric continued. “If we incur any vet bills, you will be held responsible.”
Miss Josie put a hand up to stop him. “Enough, Cedric. There is no ‘we,’ and this is none of your concern.”
He folded his arms over his chest. “Fine. If that’s how you want things to be—”
“Yes, and you need to back off.” She kept her voice low, but Cedric got the message. As he stomped off to the car, Miss Josie turned back to Sexy Trainer Dude, who’d gotten a little red in the face. “Capone is fine. I don’t blame you or Misty Mountain for any of this. Dogs will be dogs, right? Thanks for taking care of him.”
He smiled at her. “Thanks for not blaming me,” he said as he pulled a treat out of the pocket of his khaki shorts and gave it to me. Sexy Trainer Dude might not be the right Mr. Darcy for Miss Josie, but I liked him anyway.
“I’m so sorry you were hurt, Capone,” said Miss Josie as we walked outside. “Poor puppy.”
When we got to the car, she made Cedric get out of the front seat so I could sit next to her. I turned and looked at him, and I couldn’t help but smile at the furious expression on his face.
It looked like I’d won this battle. Yes, I’d nearly lost an ear doing it, but it brought me one step closer to winning what mattered most—the war for Miss Josie’s heart.