He reacted about the way I thought he would.
Well, he didn’t yell. I expected some yelling.
The silence hurt worse.
There was so much disappointment in his eyes. That’s what really got me, what made me start to cry. He was angry and hurt, of course, but he was also disappointed. Like he expected more out of me.
I expect more out of me, and I let both of us down. I wish I could explain that to him, but clearly I can’t.
I don’t sleep well that night. I keep replaying that conversation over and over in my mind. When I finally do get some sleep, it’s fitful and strange. I have dreams that aren’t quite dreams, but more like memories.
Ben’s smile, his hands on my skin that first night. Playing the song for him, the way he closed his eyes and leaned into it. That first session, that kiss.
I wake up sweating and have to take a shower.
When I get out, I feel better. I brush my teeth. I make some coffee. I eat some toast and I sit at my computer and start to look for jobs.
The gnawing guilt and sadness and confusion that’s been digging at me this whole time is gone.
I hate to think that it’s a good thing, but it is. I got this off my chest, I told him the truth. Yes, the truth fucking hurt, it fucking hurt us both and I’m an asshole for keeping it from him for so long.
But I finally did it. I ripped off the Band-Aid and now here I am, still alive, still moving forward.
What doesn’t kill you, right?
Except in this instance, what didn’t kill me did take away Ben.
I don’t hear from him at all. He doesn’t call, he doesn’t text. I don’t go to the session and he doesn’t try to contact me. I spend the day in my apartment, doing nothing but busywork, cleaning the shower, that sort of thing.
I go to bed. I get some sleep this time.
In the morning, I look for more jobs. I check my phone, but no calls from Ben. I don’t have the nerve to call him first.
I pass away the morning like a zombie, going through the motions.
In the afternoon, I force myself to get dressed and go outside. I can recognize the symptoms, but I can’t name the disease, at least I can’t understand it.
It’s depression. I know I’m depressed, or something like it. I’m in mourning, maybe, but I don’t know what I’m mourning.
Maybe the life that could’ve been with Ben if I let myself be honest from the start.
If I didn’t give in to fear.
I park at my nana’s care facility and head inside. I walk down the carpeted hallway, through the eerily silent spaces, and knock on her door.
She’s sitting in her chair, like she always is, and her smile is so genuine that it almost makes me cry.
“Hi, Nana,” I say, and kiss her cheek.
“Hi, sweetie. What’s wrong?”
I force a smile on my face. “Nothing.”
“Liar. I can smell it from a mile away.” She frowns at me. “You stink like you’re upset.”
I laugh a little. “Do I really smell?”
“Of course not, it’s a metaphor. Sit down and tell me what happened.”
So I do. I sit down and I embrace honesty. I tell her the whole thing, about getting pregnant, about lying to Ben, about telling him two nights ago.
When I’m done, she smiles at me. “Well, in my day, you would’ve been shipped off to some sanitarium down south so you could have your baby away from polite society.”
I laugh a little. “Good thing it’s not your day.”
“Definitely better now. Oh, honey. I’m so sorry this happened.”
“It’s okay,” I say, even though I don’t believe it.
I expected Nana to be disappointed, but if she is, she’s not showing it. That’s what I love her about her. Despite everything, she supports me.
“What are you going to do?” she asks.
“Have the baby, raise it, love it. I guess I’ll be a mom soon.”
She nods. “Single mom. Won’t be easy.”
“I know.”
“No, you don’t.” She laughs softly. “Your grandfather didn’t do all that much around the house. I had four kids, and I was pretty much a single mom for it all. He brought in money, of course, but… not a lot.”
I heard stories about my grandfather, but I never knew him.
“It’ll be hard,” she continues. “Hardest thing you’ll ever do, if I’m honest. But honey, you’re going to love that baby so much it hurts. Even if they all grow up and abandon you or die too young.”
I frown a little. I can feel the tears again. My father’s older brother died when he was ten, some kind of crazy car accident, and his younger sister died when she was thirty, breast cancer. My only living uncle is out in California and doesn’t seem to give a crap about anyone but himself, just like my father. I don’t know how my nana keeps going forward.
“Are you sure?”
“I am so sure.” She reaches out, takes my hand. “It’ll be hard but you’ll love that baby no matter what. I promise you that much.”
I nod a little bit and laugh. “I try and keep our visits happy, you know.”
“Life isn’t always happy, kid.”
“Tell me about it.”
She smiles and squeezes my hand before letting it go. “So this guy, Ben. He didn’t take it well, did he?”
“I don’t blame him,” I say quickly. “I lied to him about it for a while and didn’t really break it gently.”
“Still, it’s his child. He should do the right thing and—”
“I’m not looking for a husband,” I say, frowning.
She shrugs. “He still should.”
I sigh. “I don’t expect that.”
“Maybe you should expect more, then,” she says softly.
I look away. Maybe she’s right, but I don’t know. I keep seeing his face that night, so upset, so disappointed…
“He might come around,” I say, although I’m not sure I even mean it.
“He might,” she agrees. “But what if he doesn’t?”
“I don’t know what I’ll do,” I admit. “In my head I keep seeing him appearing at my apartment, telling me he loves me, all that… but it’s not realistic, is it?”
She smiles a little, sadness tingeing everything. “Life never lives up to our expectations.”
“I just want one break, you know? I thought I had it with Ben but this pregnancy and the way I handled it…” I shake my head. “I really messed it up.”
“Listen, honey. You’re strong and you’re smart. You’ve been taking care of me ever since your father ran off, haven’t you?”
I frown. “I didn’t think you knew.”
“Of course I know you’re the one paying my bills. I’m not stupid, and I’ll always love you for it. But you’re stronger than you give yourself credit.”
“I don’t know.”
“I’m proud of the woman you’ve become, Alice.”
“Even though I’m pregnant?.”
She smiles a little bit. “Well, in my day, that was pretty bad… but it’s not my day anymore, is it?” She shrugs a little bit. “I’m getting more progressive in my old age.”
I laugh at that. “I suspect you always have been.”
“Maybe. It’s going to be okay though. Whatever happens, you can handle more than you know.”
I smile at her, trying hard not to cry.
“Now,” she says, patting her legs. “Where’s my beer?”
I laugh and get up. “Coming right up.”
“And get yourself one too. I think you’ve earned it.”
“Can’t drink, remember?” I remind her, walking into her kitchen and opening the refrigerator.
“Oh, please. You can have a little beer. It’s basically all water.”
She has a point there but I don’t take one for myself anyway. I walk back over to her, opening the can and placing it on the table next to her. She smiles and sips it, probably just to be polite. I’m sure that’ll sit there all day, getting warmer and warmer.
As I go to sit down, there’s a sudden knock at the door. I hesitate and look at her.
“Expecting someone?” I ask.
She shakes her head. “Are you?”
I laugh and walk over to the door. I figure it’s a nurse or an orderly here to give her some medicine or to do physical therapy and she just forgot about it. It’s happened before and it’ll happen again, I’m sure.
I pull the door open and I stop in my tracks. I stare at Ben, my brain short-circuiting for a second.
“Hi, Alice,” he says softly.
“Ben?” I manage to say. “What are you doing here?”
“Looking for you.” His smile broadens. “Guess I found you.”
“How? What?” I feel nothing but confusion. I remember mentioning this place once but I can’t believe he actually remembers.
He holds up some flowers, a simple and pretty bouquet. “I came to give you these,” he says.
I blink at them, confused. “Flowers?”
“Exactly. As an apology.”
“Apology?”
“For the way I acted.”
“What?” I’m like having a fit or something.
He laughs softly. “Maybe we should talk somewhere… private.”
“Wait.” I turn inside, stepping aside. “Nana, this is Ben.”
He bows his head at her and smiles. “It’s lovely to meet you.”
She smiles back. “Hi there, honey,” she says. “Alice here was just talking about you.”
I blush big time. “Nana,” I say.
“What? You think he doesn’t know?”
I sigh and grab his wrist. “Come on.”
“It was nice to meet you,” he says as I tug him out of her room.
“Come visit again soon,” she calls out as we leave.
Freaking Nana. She’s going to blow up my spot. He just came back and she’s already trying to tell him how I’m obsessed with him or whatever.
“I hate the way I left things,” he says softly as we walk. “I got angry but I shouldn’t have. That was… that was the old me.”
“The old you? So you’ve changed?”
“Absolutely. I’m going to be a father.”
I stare up at him, not smiling. “I plan on raising this baby myself. You don’t… you don’t have to be involved.”
“I’m going to be,” he says as we step into the lobby. He takes my wrist, spins me toward him. “What kind of man would I be, abandoning my child? And abandoning you?”
“I don’t understand,” I whisper.
“I’m not going anywhere, Alice. You shouldn’t have kept this from me, but I understand you had your reasons. I’m not going to be the man I was before. I’m going to be better… for you.”
I stare up into his beautiful eyes, not sure what to say. I feel my body ringing with desire and confusion, but above all, relief.
I’m so relieved he’s here. I’m so relieved he doesn’t hate me.
“Come back to work,” he says softly. “I need you there. Please.”
“I don’t know,” I say. “Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.” He takes my hands. “Come back to work.”
“Okay,” I say, and we gaze at each other for a moment.
“Oh, for Pete’s sake, kiss him already or I’m gonna!”
I blink, surprised and spot an old woman in a wheelchair sitting a few feet away. I guess we overlooked her when we stopped.
Ben laughs and grins at me. “You heard her, Alice.”
I smile and get up on my tiptoes to kiss him softly. He smirks and kisses me back, just a short, small thing… but it means so much.
“That’s it?” the old woman says. “Use a little tongue, young lady. Look at that man! You don’t got a lot of years on this planet, better use them doing the fun stuff. Come here, young man, I’ll show you what age can teach a woman.”
“Oh, Jesus,” I say to Ben, tugging his hand. “Come on, before she jumps you.”
“I am kind of curious what age can teach a woman,” he says following me out. “You sure I can’t go back?”
“I’m saving you from yourself here. You’ll thank me later.”
He laughs as we walk through the parking lot together, hand in hand. I don’t know what it means, what he wants, where we’re going… but I don’t care.
I’m just happy I’m standing next to him right now.