One month passes, and we never talk about the baby again.
It’s strange, how quickly it seems to disappear. I keep working on the album, and we keep writing songs together, but the baby…
He never brings it up, and I don’t either. It’s like it doesn’t exist.
We still sleep together. We talk on the phone late at night, after sessions. I go over to his apartment and listen to what we have so far.
And more sex, obviously.
I’m starting to wonder if the whole thing was a dream. Our relationship is good, really good, actually. We’re fucking almost every day, spending all our time together, talking almost constantly, and I’ve never been this happy.
Even Nana approves. “Marry that one, honey,” she said to me after meeting him for real about two weeks ago.
It’s been a blur. We fuck, flirt, hang out, and record music together. I never thought I could be so intertwined with someone in my life, but now that I am, I can’t imagine being without him.
It’s strange how I went from hating him, thinking he’s just some rich bastard that wants to use and abuse me, to thinking he’s the best thing that ever happened.
Except… we never talk about the baby.
Maybe it’s just my insecurities poking their heads up, but that feels like a red flag. I’m starting to show a little bit, and you’d think we’d start talking about how we’re going to handle the baby when it comes. Because it’s coming, sooner or later. My plan to raise this baby hasn’t changed, although I’ve been thinking that maybe he’ll be involved.
I’m not so sure. He said all the right things when he found out, made all the right promises, but hasn’t said a word since. I’m starting to worry, to freak out, but I have to keep it together.
Maybe it’s just my hormones going insane. That’s definitely a possibility. Everything sets me off these days, and I know it’s because of the pregnancy. Normally I’m pretty mellow, pretty centered, but I’m a total hormonal mess right now. He can see it, and he’s actually really good about being there for me.
He just never mentions the baby.
I’m in a down mood when I head to our session one Monday evening. I spent the weekend with Ben, alternating between fucking and making new music together like we have been lately, and it was great.
But now, I just don’t know. I want to talk about the baby but I don’t want to freak him out and worry him more.
I trudge through the street alone. He offered to send a car like he always does, but I usually turn him down. Exercise is good for me, and now I’m exercising for two.
When I made that joke, he just smiled and moved on.
I get to the studio door and hesitate. I probably should take a second and calm down before heading inside. I don’t want to be a mess during this session. I’ve managed to keep my hormonal breakdowns outside of sessions so far, and I’d like to keep that going. We have more musicians now, since Markus heard what we’ve been working on and he thinks we can do something really amazing with more funding.
I unlock the door, glancing at my phone. I’m running a couple minutes late as I head down the hall. I don’t hear anything coming from the studio, but it’s not totally unusual. They’re probably all in the live room, getting prepped.
I step into the control room, expecting to make a million apologies for being late, but I stop in my tracks.
There’s nobody in the live room. It’s completely empty…
Except for candles, absolutely everywhere. There must be hundreds of them, scattered all over, each one lit and glowing softly.
“You’re late.”
I jump, a little startled. Ben is standing behind me, a smile on his lips.
“What’s going on?” I ask him.
“Go inside,” he says, nodding at the door.
I hesitate, but I trust him. I head into the live room and he follows me.
It smells like flowers. The candles give off a slight heat, flickering when I open the door and again when he shuts it. I notice several flower arrangements placed around the rug where the drums usually sit, although they’re gone now.
Ben sits down and motions for me to follow. We’re surrounded by flowers and candles, and it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
He reaches out and takes my hands. My heart’s beating so fast I can barely breathe.
“This last month has been the best month of my life,” he says, staring into my eyes. “I don’t say that lightly.”
I laugh a little. “Come on. I’ve been a crazy pregnant lady.”
“Maybe,” he says, a little smile on his lips. “But most of the time, you’re just my Alice, carrying my baby.”
My face brightens. That’s the first mention of the baby.
“What’s happening right now?” I ask.
“Right now, I’m making a promise to you. I’m recording it too, so don’t say anything dumb.”
I laugh, shaking my head. “Are you nuts?”
“Probably. But I want you to have this forever.”
I bite my lip and nod.
“I promise I love you,” he says softly. A thrill runs down my spine. “I promise I’ll take care of you and the baby forever, no matter what happens. I promise never to leave you, never to stray from you. I promise I’ll be yours, as long as you’re mine. Do you understand?”
I nod, choking up. “I love you, too.”
His smile blossoms like a rose. “I’m not proposing to you right now, just so you know.”
I laugh and hit his leg. “Ass.”
“But I’d marry you, here and now, if I could. The truth is, Alice, you’ve changed me so much. And not just because of the baby. This past month I needed to prove to myself that I’m not the man I used to be, and I know for certain I’m not. I’m sorry if I haven’t been talking about the baby or our relationship enough, but I had to be sure. I couldn’t risk hurting you.”
Relief floods through me. “You were just scared.”
“Scared of the man I was, but not the man I am.”
I squeeze his hands and laugh, feeling so relieved that it almost hurts. Tears drop down my cheeks and he smiles, leans forward, and kisses me.
It’s a simple kiss, nothing flashy, nothing special, but it’s the best kiss we’ve ever shared.
Because he loves me, and now I know it. He loves me, really loves me, and I’m in love with him, too. This is what I was so afraid of, so worried about, but now that it’s here, it’s perfect.
This is what I’ve needed all along.
“And I promise not to make you cry,” he says, smiling at me and wiping my tears away.
“These are happy tears.”
“Okay then. I’ll allow it.”
We kiss one more time, surrounded by flowers and candles in the space where this all started. It’s like our home, our special place.
The kiss stretches on, out through my whole life. I’ll never forget that kiss, no matter what. Ben’s all I need, everything to me. He’s going to take care of me, and I’ll take care of him.
I love him so much, and my heart’s so full, it almost hurts.
I know I’m home, finally.