The Harradines were packed and ready to go. Alice, her grandfather and Jeremy came out to the car to make their farewells. For once, Jeremy was perfectly respectful, wishing them all a safe trip and even shaking hands with Conrad. Sam was brief and courteous, his mind on other things. Alice cuddled and kissed all the children and pecked Conrad on the cheek before turning to her mother.
Lara gave her a hug and a brisk kiss. ‘Take care, Alice. Let me know if you need anything, won’t you?’
‘Thanks, Mum, I will,’ Alice lied.
Suddenly she found herself thinking of Leilani. Why was it that she’d had no trouble feeling complete trust in Benji’s wife, a woman she’d only known for two days? And would it hurt to give Lara the benefit of the doubt?
As they watched the low-set luxury car gliding away, she thought back to the evening before.
After dinner, Alice had taken her cup of tea out onto the veranda steps and into the quiet freshness of the night. She’d been craving some time alone. She had been so busy attending to the minute by minute needs of her grandmother, and then organising the funeral, she hadn’t had a chance to stop and feel. She leaned back on her elbows and gazed up at the star-studded sky. One impossibly bright star had seemed closer than all the others, pulsating with white radiance. She wondered if her Ma could see her sitting there, and to her surprise, found herself smiling. Olive’s suffering was over. She had run the race. And Alice would never cease to be inspired by the courage her grandmother had shown during her last days.
As well as the loss, Alice had found that a strange new peace had settled on her since that last talk with her grandmother. Ma had truly loved her, and this knowledge filled her with a warmth that helped to soothe some of her grief.
Then Alice had heard the boards creak behind her and Lara had sunk down beside her on the steps.
‘Thank God that’s all over,’ she said. ‘I’m thoroughly exhausted, but I’m guessing that you’re even more tired than I am.’
Alice, a little surprised at the trace of compassion in Lara’s voice, looked up and smiled. She felt her mother examine her face for a moment.
‘You’ll be alright, I suppose, you and Dad?’ Lara asked.
‘Yes, Mum, we’ll manage.’
‘It’s not as if I can be much help anyway.’ Lara sighed. ‘I’m not exactly Dad’s favourite person at the moment.’
Alice met her mother’s eyes again. She wanted to say something reassuring, but Lara continued, her tone still more diffident than usual.
‘Mum and Dad were always good to you, weren’t they, Alice?’
‘Yes, always,’ Alice said emphatically.
Lara nodded. ‘I knew they would be. They did a much better job raising you than I could have. I wasn’t ready. You do understand that, don’t you?’
Alice nodded too, and tried to read her mother’s expression. Was she attempting to apologise? Was she trying to say that she had cared about her all those years? Alice decided that it was safer to remain unconvinced, and in doing so, avoid future disappointment. That way, anything that followed would be a bonus.
But then, unexpectedly, Lara took Alice’s hand. For a few moments, neither of them spoke. The crickets throbbed and a cow bellowed to its calf somewhere off in the distance.
‘Mum?’ Alice said on an impulse.
‘Yes?’
‘There’s something I’ve often wondered about.’
‘Yes?’ Lara said again, and Alice felt her tense up slightly.
‘Why did you give me Benji’s surname?’
Lara looked thoughtful for a moment before answering. ‘Well, at the time, I told myself it was to get at Mum and Dad; prove I wasn’t ashamed, I suppose.’ She paused and looked at Alice, before adding wryly, ‘Your paternity was hardly a secret, after all.’
‘But now?’ Alice prompted.
‘Now . . .’ she paused again, ‘I think it was because of the way I felt about him.’ Lara’s eyes were large in the dim light. ‘It wasn’t just another crush, Alice.’
‘Oh.’ With a sudden thrill, Alice realised, her mother had truly loved Benji. Trying not to sound reproachful, she asked, ‘Why didn’t you tell him about me?’
‘I couldn’t afford to have him as part of my life,’ Lara answered quickly, a slight edge to her voice. ‘I needed him to stay in the past.’
Alice nodded, unable to speak.
‘So there it is,’ Lara went on, ‘completely selfish in its motivation as usual.’ She looked away.
‘Thank you for telling me,’ Alice said finally. ‘It means a lot . . . knowing that you really cared for him.’
Lara shrugged, and her cool, matter-of-fact expression returned. Alice wondered whether she should release her mother’s hand, but then Lara spoke again.
‘While I’m in this unusually repentant mood, I want to say how glad I am that you and Mum were . . . so close.’ Lara breathed out slowly before continuing. ‘In a way, as my daughter, you compensated for me . . . my wrongs. Thank you.’
Squeezing her mother’s hand, Alice smiled up at her. They had sat a little while longer, looking at the stars and feeling the tickle of an intermittent breeze.
With the visitors gone, and her grandfather tucked safely into bed, Alice took a brush over to the yards and called Rose in from the night paddock. The rhythm of the brush strokes over the mare’s gleaming coat helped to calm Alice; as she worked, she leaned into the warm curve of Rose’s neck and half closed her eyes.
Movement nearby brought her out of her trance, and she looked down at Darcy, who had sidled over from the house and was now standing by dejectedly. The poor creature had just lost yet another loved one. A minute later, he was joined by Jeremy, who wore a similar expression. Alice put down her brush, and she and Jeremy sat together on the grain feeder in silence for a time, Darcy sitting mournfully at their feet.
‘How’re you travelling, mate?’ Jeremy said at last.
Alice only nodded in response, not meeting his eyes. She knew she was shutting him out, but she hadn’t the energy to try to explain. Finally she said, ‘It’s Pa we need to think about now.’
‘It’s you I’m thinking of.’ Jeremy put his arm around her shoulders. ‘And I’m real sorry about your mum, Ali.’
‘You mean my ma,’ Alice corrected him.
‘No, your mum. She’s not much comfort to ya, eh? Your ma was a nosy old chook but she wasn’t short on courage. I’ll never forget the way she stuck up for me that day in the pub.’ Jeremy shook his head. ‘But your mum’s another story. First-class bitch, I reckon. You deserve better.’
Alice felt tears sting her eyes; annoyed, she brushed them away, trying to work out why Jeremy’s comment had upset her. The tears certainly weren’t in defence of Lara. Perhaps she was mourning the complete absence of any feelings of loyalty towards her mother.
But Jeremy had seen her tears and was mortified. ‘Hell, Alice, don’t take any notice of me. Great big bloody mouth. I gotta learn to shut my gob. Anyway, luckily your dad’s genes hammered hers. It’s hard to believe she’s even related to you. She’d fit right in with those Bingley sisters, I reckon.’
Alice gave him a watery smile and he looked relieved. He pulled her closer to him and they sat in silence. Jeremy was always such a source of strength. She suddenly found herself wondering how she’d have managed the last few months without him. She rested her head gratefully on his shoulder.
‘I’ll help you look after the old bloke, Alice. We’ll muddle through alright.’
Alice nodded again and Darcy pressed his angular body against her legs. She looked down into the dog’s adoring amber eyes and felt a stirring of affection for the awkward creature.