My stomach churned as I raised my hand to knock on Councillor Tar’s door. I’d requested the meeting, but now that I was in the Underland, outside her chambers, I was second-guessing my decision. I had no idea how Tar would react when I told her the truth.
I’d been holding out hope that Kaia would return, but as the days stretched on, it was dwindling. She couldn’t survive this long outside. It wasn’t just the weather: if she’d made it to the Mountain, she’d have to deal with the threat of beasts and Prims. What if the information I’d hidden could help bring her back?
“Enter.” I took a steadying breath. The most intimidating of the five Councillors, Tar’s appearance and manner was harsh. Her voice was too—words came out like commands or criticisms. I opened the door and stepped inside her chambers. “Yes?”
Her scarlet robe stood out like a bloodstain against the bleakness of her chambers. I took a deep breath, steeling my nerve. After Kaia’s disappearance had been noticed, I’d been interviewed by an overseer. I’d been honest about some things. I’d admitted to lying to our supervisor and covering for Kaia so she could grieve for Mae. It was a serious offense, and I’d lost a day’s worth of joules as punishment.
But I’d kept other things secret, and now I wondered if that had been the right choice. Back in my dwelling, I’d rehearsed what I’d say to Tar, but now that I was across from her, it was more nerve-wracking than I expected. “I have some information about Kaia.”
Tar gestured for me to sit. My tunic pinched at my neck. Had it always been this tight? Or had Tar’s imperious gaze made my clothes shrink? I rubbed my thumb over the spot on my finger where the pulse point had been implanted at birth. A monitor, tracking device and communicator all in one, it gave the Councillors and overseers access to a Citizen’s every movement.
“Tell me,” Tar prompted.
“Before Kaia left, her pulse point malfunctioned.”
Tar’s eyes bored into me. “How long before?”
“A few days. She kept it a secret because of Mae. She was energy sharing with her to delay her balancing.” Which had backfired. Mae had been taken anyway, and that had started the whole terrible chain of events that had landed me here, in front of Tar.
Tar’s fingers curled into a fist. “Was her locator working?”
I shook my head. “No. Nothing worked. Her communicator was broken too.”
“Why are you telling me this now?”
I’d been as shocked as anyone when the news alert had gone out that a Citizen was missing. When I realized it was my best friend, it had felt like the ground had given way. There were rumours that she’d been taken by a Prim or was hiding somewhere in the City. But then it was revealed that overseers, including Lev, Tar’s offspring and my mate, had been sent out to bring her back.
The City had been in a holding pattern since then, waiting for her to return. “I thought she’d come back on her own.”
“And now you’re worried keeping her secret has cost you your best friend,” Tar guessed.
I nodded, miserable. The truth was I’d lost her before she even left the City. Matching with Lev had made sure of that.
“Even if Kaia’s pulse point was working, it wouldn’t help us find her. They don’t work once a Citizen leaves the City. Why do you think Lev hasn’t come back? We have no way to communicate with him.”
The last bit of hope leaked out of me. Keeping Kaia’s secret hadn’t hurt her, but it wasn’t going to help her either.
“Did she ever talk about leaving?” Tar asked, leaning forward.
I shook my head. “Never.”
“And in the days before she left, did she seem different to you?”
“Yes, I mean, she’d lost her elder. She didn’t take it well.” Citizens were supposed to be logical about the need for balancings. They happened all the time and kept the City sustainable. Kaia could have celebrated Mae’s long life. Instead, she’d let Mae’s death eat away at her. She’d holed up in her capsule for days. Maybe I shouldn’t have been surprised; after all, she’d been confiding in me about her birth elder’s unpredictable moods for years. Maybe more of Sy’s instability had slipped into her DNA than I thought. “My match with Lev didn’t help.”
I wanted to believe it was Mae’s balancing that pushed Kaia to leave, but deep down I knew my union with Lev had been the tipping point. We’d left her with no one to turn to. She believed her best friends had betrayed her. That I had betrayed her. “I never should have agreed to it.”
Tar narrowed her eyes at me. “You made a decision that benefitted your future. No one could fault you for that.”
“Kaia did.”
Tar looked at me, considering something. Prickles of sweat broke out on the back of my neck. Being on the receiving end of Tar’s unforgiving gaze was the last place I wanted to be. “Before I allowed you to match with Lev, I checked your personality profile. You scored high in moral ambiguity. What’s interesting about that is that I did too.” She arched an eyebrow. The idea that Tar and I had anything in common was hard to believe. She was the most powerful person in the City; Citizens feared her.
“Do you know what that means?”
I shook my head.
“All strong leaders need moral ambiguity. It gives us the freedom to make hard decisions. We see the end game and we’re not concerned with who we step on to get there.” Her lips stretched into a smile. “I want you to know, I understand you. Better than you think.”
I stared at Tar. She thought I was like her, a leader. I was too stunned to say anything. I was nothing like her.
“I could help you become someone in the City. Maybe even a Councillor one day. You’re matched with my offspring; it would be natural for me to mentor you.”
My breath caught in my throat at her offer. It wasn’t something I had ever considered.
“Think about it,” she said.
“I—I will,” I stammered.
As I left her chambers and made my way back to work, Tar’s offer echoed in my head. For a few minutes, thinking about what it would it be like to wield a Councillor’s power was a pleasant distraction. Citizens nodded in deference and moved out of the way when they strode down the walkways. The five Councillors made decisions that affected all our lives. They ran the City. Nothing happened that didn’t have their approval. But by the time I got back to work at the fetal assessment clinic, reality set in.
My quest for status was why I was in this predicament in the first place. I’d agreed to match with Lev, and it had cost me my best friend. I had to learn to be content with what I had.