Every Day, in Every Way, I’m Getting Better and Better . . .
—from a hypnosis self-esteem tape of the 1940s, as reported by my mother
1. Be Happy: Count your blessings; meditate upon them; do not compare yourself to others (unless they are less fortunate than you); always look on the bright side; do not indulge in dark thoughts (if necessary, do not indulge in thought at all). You will feel better about yourself.
2. Be Cool: If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything; be compassionate; be patient; listen to others, but don’t talk too much; avoid being boring; avoid being funny (this may make some uncomfortable); avoid being odd (ditto); avoid honesty if necessary (ditto); don’t lose your temper; ideally, don’t have a temper. People will like you more, and you will feel better about yourself.
3. Be Healthy: Don’t drink; don’t smoke; don’t take drugs (except antidepressants, which don’t count); don’t overeat; consume primarily green vegetables and pulses; avoid dairy; avoid carbohydrates; avoid red meat; avoid sugar (like the plague); avoid gluten; avoid mercury-tainted fish; avoid all but organic chicken; avoid pesticides; take regular exercise and enjoy it (it will work better if you enjoy it); don’t carry any extra weight; don’t stress; always wear sunscreen; always moisturize; always sleep seven hours and thirteen minutes every night; avoid ingesting chemicals; avoid getting wrinkles; avoid going gray; avoid getting saggy; avoid yellowing teeth; avoid all potential unattractiveness. You will not get sick, you will not age, and you might never die; people will admire you more; and you will feel better about yourself.
4. Be Environmentally Aware: Recycle; bicycle; walk; run (carry small children on your back or front; or place them in a small cart or contraption that will enable you to bicycle, walk, or run; try not to be afraid that they will be crushed by other vehicles); avoid driving (unless you have an electric car); avoid flying; avoid plastics; avoid genetic modifications; compost; grow your own vegetables (but not tomatoes, which waste water); install solar panels; use fluorescent bulbs (even though their light is ugly); avoid excess; avoid waste; avoid clutter; avoid paper; avoid. You will not save the planet (this is alas impossible at this late stage) but you may infinitesimally slow its destruction. You will feel righteous; people will admire you more; and you will feel better about yourself.
5. Be Efficient: Do not waste time; do not waste space; do not waste energy; do not talk to strangers; do not take naps; do not sleep in; do not stay up late; do not go shopping; do not take rambling strolls; do not have long conversations, on the phone or in person; do not write letters; do not read books that have no clear purpose; do not major in English (or in any other humanities subject) in college; do not write by hand; do not make pointlessly elaborate meals; do not iron; do not procrastinate; do not daydream (if possible, do not dream); do not eat pointless foods (e.g., ice cream, radishes); do not pursue random tangents; do not read newspapers; do not read long magazine articles; do keep up with Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter, as they will give you all the information necessary for any brief social interactions you may have. Your efficiency will liberate you to take more exercise and meditate more. You will be seen to be efficient, and people will be impressed by you. You will feel better about yourself.
6. Be Rich: Invent an app; be a venture capitalist; be a Hollywood executive; be a movie star; be a pop star; start a clothing line; be a lifestyle guru; be a celebrity dermatologist; be a celebrity plastic surgeon; be a celebrity chef; be a celebrity professor; be a real housewife celebrity; be a member of a royal family; be a celebrity. If possible, be a green energy mogul; be a health and diet expert; be a politically engaged movie star or pop star; be rich while doing good. Avoid janitorial work; avoid manual labor; avoid manufacturing; avoid teaching; avoid caring professions; avoid medical work in unglamorous or dangerous places (e.g., inner cities; Liberia); avoid service industries; avoid literary or journalistic production; avoid research projects the outcomes of which are uncertain; avoid anything that pays little or seems ordinary. If you are rich, people will know you are successful. You will feel better about yourself.
7. Be Good: Don’t have bad thoughts; don’t do bad things; don’t doubt; don’t question; don’t make trouble; don’t be emotionally demanding; don’t be socially awkward; don’t be sharp-tongued and shrewish; don’t be judgmental; don’t be rude; don’t be weird; don’t be silly; don’t be awful; don’t “be yourself”; don’t pretend to be someone you’re not; don’t be pretentious; don’t be falsely humble; don’t be lonely; don’t be sad; don’t be pessimistic; don’t be grumpy; don’t be alienated; don’t be uncomfortable; don’t be weary; don’t be garrulous; don’t be intolerant; don’t be radical; don’t be conservative; don’t be greedy. Just don’t. Ideally, you will meditate away the illusion of a self and then will both be very good and feel best about yourself.