"You need to relax."
Sylvia's voice was gentle as she settled into the chair opposite mine about an hour later. Hair the color of cherries swung around her face, falling neatly back into a sharp-cut bob. The frames of her glasses matched the hair, as did her lipstick.
Too much red. Red had bad associations.
My tongue darted out to wet my lips. "This is about as relaxed as I get when it comes to vampires digging around in my head." The room we were in felt too small. It wasn't. It was large as offices go, decorated in soothing earth tones, cozy and warm. I told myself to stop being dumb. After all, this was my idea. And Sylvia had kindly agreed to see me on short notice.
Her smile was sympathetic. "Your heart is racing. Are you sure you want to try this tonight? We could take a few sessions, work up to it?"
"I'm sure."
Beside me, Dan shifted in his seat. I wondered if he was going to try to talk me out of this, but he stayed quiet. He was with me for moral support but had agreed to not interfere with whatever Sylvia was going to do.
"Take some deep breaths. There's no rush. We'll take our time." Sylvia leaned back, folded her hands in her lap. The glasses, hair, and lips were the only colorful things about her. Her eyes were a very dark brown, near enough to black. Her skin was vamp pale, a fact only highlighted by her white shirt and black suit.
I forced my hands to relax, rubbing them along the arms of the chair. The leather squeaked under my palms.
Sylvia lifted an eyebrow.
"I want to do this," I said. I didn't know if I was trying to convince her or me.
"Just relax. Think of something pleasant." Her voice was low, pitched to be soothing. The trouble with that was that I'd had enough vampires thrall me now to know that low and soothing sometimes equaled “a vampire wants in your head.”
Which was not soothing at all.
"I'm trying," I repeated. Think of something pleasant. Right. That sounded easy but there hadn't been many happy place moments in my life lately. I closed my eyes, tried to summon a memory of safety. The moon shining down on the forests surrounding the Retreat, silvery light flooding over my skin.
"Maybe try something else," Sylvia said.
My eyes snapped open. "Why?"
"Whatever you're thinking of, I can feel your shields going up."
Damn. I'd forgotten the shields. Werewolf mojo. Ani had taught me to erect mental barriers to protect against vamp mind powers. For some reason picturing myself in a glass box, moonlight streaming over me and around me, was the image that worked for me. Shields had their place, but I needed to let the nice vampire in, not keep her out.
"Okay." I closed my eyes again, tried to think of something else. Then opened them. "Wait, you can feel me shielding?" Not all vampires could.
"It's one of my skills," Sylvia said. "Not all of us can. But think of something else."
Sunshine. Daylight. Flowers. Aunt Bug's roses. But the thought of Bug brought a mental image of confronting idiots back in Caldwell. My shoulders tensed.
I forced them down again, releasing a slow breath before drawing in another to try again.
This time I kept it simple and pictured Dan's face. Focused on breathing in his scent, letting it drown out the sharper smell of vampire. Another breath. Another.
"That's better," Sylvia said, her voice barely above a whisper. "Whatever that one is, stay on that. Now, when you're ready, open your eyes."
My stomach tightened, but I kept breathing, sinking into it to chase the fear away. Thinking of Dan.
After about a minute, I made myself open my eyes.
Sylvia had crept forward to the edge of her chair, leaning toward me. She stayed still for another few of my breaths, then slowly—so slowly that I knew she was taking a lot of care to be unthreatening—extended a hand. Not far enough to touch me but close. Palm up, extended in invitation.
Just a hand. No big deal.
Still, the muscles in my arm locked in protest as I thought about laying my hand over hers.
Another breath. Another lungful of Dan's scent.
"Take my hand, Ashley," Sylvia said in the same quiet soothing tone she'd been using all along. Like a rider trying to gentle a horse.
Or a vampire seducing a victim.
No.
I banished that thought from my head. Another breath. But I was losing my ability to focus only on Dan, my werewolf nose sorting out the other smells in the room.
A hint of dust and whatever chemicals the cleaners used. The bland smell of office furniture and air conditioning. Sylvia's perfume, something lightly spiced with a base note of warm flowers. Not strong. Vampires and werewolves are sensitive to smells and careful with the scents they wear. Still, Sylvia's was enough to minimize the smell of vampire, so maybe she'd put it on to make me feel at ease.
There was no need for my heart to race. She was no threat.
Regardless, my right hand shook as I reached out and laid it in hers. Her skin was cool, as I had known it would be. Vampire cool.
I shivered.
No different to touching Jase. If I'd been going to let Marco feed from me, I could do this.
"Good," Sylvia said, still in that same gentle tone. "Now, when you're ready, I want you to look at me."
It was an effort to raise my eyes and meet her gaze. All my instincts screamed at me not to. Every primitive part of me, including the wolf, knew this was a predator. One that could maybe take me down.
I gritted my teeth, locking my arm muscles so I wouldn't snatch my hand back.
My instincts were wrong. Sylvia wouldn't hurt me. She was trying to help me. Help me find the information we needed so we could catch Smith and make sure nobody else got hurt.
She didn't say anything, just smiled encouragingly as I clenched my jaw and curled my left hand over the arm of the chair. Luckily she'd bought furniture designed to withstand an accidental supernatural show of strength. The chair creaked, but I didn't break it or tear the upholstery.
I willed each muscle to relax, flexing my fingers back to straight one by one, while I ignored the part of me that wanted to throw a shield between me and the vampire. That was what had happened when Cilla tried to thrall me. I hadn't been able to let down the shields.
Ultimately, Rhi had paid the price for that failure. I'd let her in, and she'd chosen to die to protect me, taking Cilla down in the process. But she had confirmed there was something in my head. Something left there by my dad. I had no memory of him ever doing it, but apparently he had. And whatever it was, Smith wanted it.
Which meant I had to get to it first.
I didn't want to lose anyone else to get hurt. Beside me, Dan was very still, but I could tell he was tensed, ready to act if I needed help. I was safe. And I had to do this.
"Go ahead," I said to Sylvia.
She nodded. "All right. You know how this works. Just keep looking in my eyes. Relax."
I nodded again, trying to obey. I stared at her eyes, trying to only see Sylvia, a person, not a vampire.
But then she said, "Ashley, let me in," in a soothing tone, and I flung up a hand, jolting back with enough force to send my chair skidding back a few feet on the wooden floor, heart pounding.
"Ash!" Dan said, and he was out of his chair and on his knees in front of me, his hands clasping mine.
"Sorry," I said. "That was stupid." I knew he could hear how fast my heart was beating. Sylvia could, too. That was the problem with working with other supernaturals. Harder to pretend you weren't freaked out.
"Let's take a break," Sylvia said smoothly. She flowed out of her chair in that effortless vamp way, which did nothing to make my instincts back the hell off, and walked out of the room, closing the door behind her.
I hung my head, biting my lip with frustration, tears prickling my eyes.
"Sorry," I muttered again. "I can do this. I know I can."
"I'm sure you can," Dan said. "But maybe today isn’t the day. Let's try again tomorrow or the next day. You can work up to it."
"We might not have a few days," I said. "Smith could make a move any time he wants." And I wasn't sure practicing with Sylvia was going to help.
"That's true," Dan said. "But for now, he hasn't. And I'm not going to let you hurt yourself trying to do this. That doesn't help anyone either. I know you want to protect Bug. I'll do everything I can to help you do that, but you're not expendable, Ash. I need you, okay?" He leaned forward, brushed his lips against mine. "We'll figure this out together."
I rested my forehead against his. Touching him soothed the panic. That was how it was supposed to be between bonded wolves. A team, not a pair butting heads every other minute. I needed to lean into the moment, remember how it felt. Work to have more of them.
"Okay," I agreed. "Tomorrow. If that's okay with Sylvia."
"Good," he said. He climbed back to his feet, not letting go of my hand. "Now, how about you go home and hang out with your aunt? Andy is still double-checking data, so there's not much for you to do back at the Taskforce. You can have a night off."
Andy Ramirez was the agent helping me with the financial side of the investigation. He was good.
"Bug will want to see you, too," I said. Dan had been working the same long hours as me. Longer, maybe. I took some time away from the investigation to handle my regular clients. He was all Taskforce all the time.
He nodded. "I won't be too late tonight, and we can all have breakfast tomorrow. And I'll talk to Ani and see if we can set something up tomorrow night for Bug to meet some more of the pack."
Tomorrow was Friday. It wasn't that unusual for pack members to get together over the weekend. Hopefully Ani and Sam didn't already have plans that we'd be disrupting. As the Alphas, they were the most in demand to keep our pack together and connected. That included all the social stuff.
Wolves were social creatures. I was still getting used to that part. I'd always been more of a loner since my parents died. It had been just Bug and me, and though I'd had friends at high school and college, it had always been a small select group. Which had only grown more select as my hours became increasingly nocturnal. When I became a wolf, I'd gained a family of about sixty overnight.
Hopefully they'd welcome Bug as well.
"It's very kind of you to invite me," Aunt Bug said to Ani, handing over the bottle of wine she'd brought as a hostess gift.
Ani smiled, shaking her head as she took the bottle. The gesture made her red curls bounce around her face. "Thank you for this. But we're always happy to include the people important to our members." She looked over her shoulder as a shriek came from the backyard. "Sorry, it's a bit crazy with all the kids." She tucked the bottle of wine under one white linen-clad arm as she turned back. In her white shirt and faded blue jeans, jade green Birks on her feet, she didn't look old enough to be worrying about kids. Or running a werewolf pack. But looks were deceiving. Ani was tough and smart and ruled us with a velvet-clad paw. Well, she and Sam together.
Bug smiled. "I like kids. I was a teacher before I retired."
Ani looked at me, a question in her green eyes. "I don't think you told me that, Ashley. I'm guessing you had to behave in school, then."
I nodded. "Even before Bug took me in, she was the principal at my high school. Hard to get away with much when that happens. Especially in a small town."
"Ashley was a good kid, mostly," Bug said, smiling at me. "You have a lovely house here, Ani."
Ani and Sam's big family room backed onto their yard. Light and airy like the rest of the house, it was decorated with comfortably squishy furniture, family photos, and flowers. Toys spilled out from a basket tucked under the coffee table, suggesting a hasty cleanup. The french doors were open. The yard was huge. Which made sense. The pack had the Retreat outside Seattle where we gathered at the full moon, but Ani and Sam needed enough space to host a bunch of werewolves at a moment's notice here as well.
"Thanks," Ani said. "We like it. Even with all the craziness. But let's get you both a drink. What's your poison? Shall we open this wine, or do you like something stronger? I make a mean martini, or Sam made a batch of sangria earlier."
"A martini sounds perfect," Bug said. It was her favorite cocktail. I didn't think I'd mentioned that to Ani.
"Great. I'll make some. Ash, you, too?" She waved us toward the big granite counter that separated her kitchen from the family room.
"Sure," I said. Dan was designated driver. And really, the sangria was likely to be as strong as a martini, anyway. Werewolves burn off alcohol fast, so they tend to like their drinks to pack a punch.
Ani made drinks and started introducing Bug to the others. I stuck by Bug's side for a while, but she seemed perfectly at ease, so I excused myself and went to join Dan, who had wandered out with Sam and the other guys doing manly things near the grill and keeping an eye on the kids. Natalie and Kara, two of the other female wolves I was getting to know, were sitting on low-slung deck chairs on the edge of the deck, wine in hand, laughing and chatting.
"Are girls allowed near the sacred flame of beef?"
Sam grinned at me. "Sure. As long as you walk around it three times widdershins and stand on one leg to remove the curse of girl cooties."
"I'll take my chances." The steaks smelled delicious. We were not yet near full moon, but the case and Bug had me on edge, and the wolf prowled not too far beneath my skin.
"How does your aunt like her steak?" Sam asked.
"Rare," I said. "She'll fit right in."
He laughed, nodded, and flipped a couple of the steaks over. "Not long now."
Dan glanced back at Bug. "She seems fine with all of this."
"Bug loves me," I said. "She's going to make the best of whatever comes along with me, I guess." Bug had never had children of her own. I was it. "And she's always tried to be fair with how she treats people. Even with what happened in Caldwell. She was the one who always pushed me to keep an open mind about supernaturals." I'd gone through a phase of hating vampires after the massacre. But it had been Bug who insisted I have therapy and deal with it as best I could, knowing it would be hard to function in the world if I didn't. Not everyone in Caldwell had thought it was the right thing to do, but she didn't care about that.
She'd been right though. I hadn't had a close vampire friend until Jase, but I'd built a very lucrative business specializing in supernatural clients who others weren't always willing to take on.
Bug hadn't wanted me to break up with Dan when he'd been bitten by a werewolf as a cop, but that had been a bridge too far for me back then. I could be civil to supernaturals, but I hadn't wanted to become a werewolf myself. Which was a high risk if I dated one.
Of course, it seemed fate hadn't cared much about what I thought about that, because here I was, a werewolf now anyway. And it was Dan who had bitten me. It was still an adjustment, but the best part about it—after the fact that it had brought Dan and me back together—was the pack. A whole new group of people who felt more and more like family each day. Maybe they could be that for Bug as well.
"Have your folks been here?" I asked Dan. His mom and dad lived in Hawaii now. They'd moved a couple of years after Dan was bitten. Not because of that—or so Dan said—but because his dad had developed arthritis that Seattle's damp cool weather didn't help.
We hadn't seen them in person since Dan and I had gotten back together, though we video-chatted and talked via email and text and phone. It was taking a little while for them to adjust to the idea of me being back in Dan's life.
I couldn't blame them for being cautious. From their point of view, I'd abandoned their son at a difficult time. But things were easing between us, and I was looking forward to seeing them again once the case was settled. Until then, neither of us wanted them to come back to Seattle. We didn't need to provide any more tempting targets for Smith. He'd used Bug to get to me in the past. I wasn't going to let him turn the people we cared about into leverage again.
Dan finished his beer and tossed the can into the recycling crate near the grill. "A few times. They were okay with it, I think." He glanced over at Bug, who was laughing at something Ani had said. "Maybe not quite as relaxed as Bug."
"She's always been good with people." Even idiots in Caldwell.
"Guess it's that teacher thing," Dan said. He smiled ruefully. "Maybe if my folks still lived here, they might have gotten used to it by now, too."
"They still love you," I said. That much was clear on our calls. The Gibsons were a little wary with me, but their love for Dan shone through every word.
"Loving me and loving the pack aren't quite the same thing."
"Well, they weren't used to sharing you. That's the problem with being an only kid."
We had that in common. Growing up with no brothers and sisters. At least Dan still had parents.
I sighed and leaned into him, suddenly exhausted. I wanted our lives to be simple.
Safe.
To have family around to grill steaks or go on vacation to Hawaii and lie on a beach. Or run on one under the moon.
"You look like you need a steak," Sam said. He handed me two plates and put a steak half the size of my head on each one. "Take one of those to your aunt."
I sniffed appreciatively, thanked him, and did just that. Bug and I filled our plates with salads and sides and found a seat at one of the tables set around the garden. I left a spot for Dan to join us but was too hungry to wait to eat. Wolf metabolism meant I ate more than I used to, especially as the moon waxed. Something I took advantage of. My steak was two-thirds gone before Bug had made much of a dent in hers. I remembered my manners and slowed down.
"Is the steak okay?" I asked her.
She nodded. "It's delicious. Sam knows what he's doing with that grill."
I nodded, reaching for my drink to make sure I didn't start eating again. "He does."
"It helps that he grew up on a beef ranch," Dan said, sliding into the chair next to mine.
I blinked. "He did?" I didn't think I'd ever heard Sam mention his family. He worked at one of Seattle's biggest ad firms, and I had a hard time picturing him on a ranch. But hell, I'd grown up in a tiny town and left, too, so it shouldn't have been a surprise.
"His dad and his older brother still run it," Dan said. "This steak is probably one of theirs."
"Don't say any more." As a werewolf, I was never going to be a vegetarian, and having up close and personal encounters with prey in wolf form made it hard not to be realistic about where my food came from, but I still didn't need visions of cute calves dancing in my head as I ate steak.
Dan snorted at me but changed the topic to baseball. Bug and Pen, one of the older wolves in the pack seated on Bug's other side, joined in. They'd been talking earlier and seemed to have gotten along like a house on fire. Which made sense. Pen was tiny but fierce and no-nonsense like Bug. Her short-cropped black hair showed no signs of silver, but she was around Bug's age. Wolves aged more slowly than humans, but we weren’t like vampires. We still got old and died eventually.
I let the chatter wash over me, making vague encouraging noises as I focused on eating. I finished my steak and decided that yes, I wanted a burger as well. I was halfway back to the grill when Ani stepped into my path.
"Bug seems to be enjoying herself," she said.
"Yes. Sorry, I know this is a lot to pull together last minute. She just wants to make sure I'm okay," I said, chancing a smile. Despite the smile on Ani's face, something in her posture told me she hadn't just bumped into me accidentally.
Ani glanced back at the table where Bug, Pen, and Dan were laughing. "And the two of you seem…better?"
I hitched a shoulder. Had Dan told her about Marco? I leaned toward a no on that. I figured I'd be getting a scolding it he had. Something had felt easier between Dan and me since our post-Marco convo, like we'd taken another step closer. I didn't think he would have told Ani. "I think so. We're figuring things out. It will be easier when the case wraps up."
She smiled. "That's good. Lean into that. The bond will help both of you once it really snaps into place."
I nodded, a little wary. Easy for her to say. She hadn't turned and formed a bond with Sam in the middle of the level of craziness Dan and I were dealing with. But I knew she was right. The closer I let Dan in, the easier things were to bear. It was just hard fighting myself and letting down my walls sometimes.
"Dan said you tried to let a counselor into your head?" Ani continued.
Okay, so he had told her about that. Ani knew a bit more about the case than Bug did. Smith and his cronies had killed one of our wolves and injured another. Plus, Ani was the one who'd had to deal with me being a reluctant new wolf while I was dealing with the reappearance of the bogeyman from my past. She needed to know what was happening so she could do her job. Our pack was the largest in Seattle, so she and Sam were the highest-ranking wolves here. Wolves don't live for centuries like vampires, so they don't tend to build power bases and empires like the Old Ones, but Ani and Sam had clout. Political power, even if they were subtle about it. I should have expected that Dan would tell her things more directly related to the case. Like me trying to find the information in my head. "Yes. But I panicked."
She smiled sympathetically. "You need to go easy on yourself."
"Easier said than done when I know whatever's in there must be important."
"I understand that. But that doesn't change the fact that no one wants you to hurt yourself trying to find it out."
Least of all me. I tilted my head, struck by another option I hadn't thought of. An Alpha werewolf had power over her pack members. "Could you order me to remember? Would that work?"
Her eyes widened. "That's a question with a less than simple answer." She glanced around the yard. "And not something to discuss here and now. Can you and Dan and your aunt hang around when everyone leaves?"
Pack parties tended to linger. But the kids would be getting tired, and lots of them had sports or other activities on the weekends. I'd noticed that, other than Pen, Ani had invited married wolves, and most of them had kids. So maybe she'd wanted to make sure there was a natural earlier ending to the gathering so Bug wouldn't get overwhelmed.
"Sure," I said. "Bug won't mind. Though she'll insist on helping you clean up."
Ani grinned. "Well, I'm never going to say no to that. All right. We'll talk later. Now, go get your food."