Chapter One

WHAT RESPECT ?

Suddenly, as I looked down the ice, I saw at the other corner of the rink a father banging on the glass, yelling at the young officials on the ice, screaming at the top of his lungs, “Are you blind? How could you make that call? You idiot!” He was pointing his finger aggressively at the teenaged officials on the ice.

My volunteer position at the time in Hockey Cal­gary was “league chair” – and part of my duty was to watch the behaviours of people and make sure that the respect component of the game was being upheld.

A league chair in the hierarchy of Hockey Calgary was basically responsible for looking after a partic­ular age category, and in my case it was two divi­sions in the Peewee category. So, we are talking about eleven- and twelve-year-olds. My role as a league chair was to go out and watch hockey games, talk to the coaches, and make sure that they were following the proper policies inside of the game. At the end of the game you would re­port the scores and do some administrative tasks to make sure that the function of hockey was, in my particular category, being fulfilled.

I started to walk towards the shouting man from 200 feet away. Moms and dads and sisters and brothers and grandparents were all in the stands that day as was typically the fashion, sitting on blankets or little seat cushions. They all turned their heads in the direction of this man.

As I began to walk more quickly, I could see that this father was violently angry. His face was bright red as he screamed, and the veins on his neck were popping. At this point, he put his leg up on the boards – he was a tall man – and he reached up, clinging to the glass. As a superhero (or super-villain) might have done, this irate father had Spi­der-Manned himself up the side of the glass at the side of the hockey rink, and was now peering over the top edge of the glass, yelling at the top of his lungs at the teenaged officials. He was screaming every name you could possibly imagine at these poor young referees on the ice.

I arrived at the scene, and tugged on the man’s pant leg, asking him to step down off of the glass. He abruptly turned to me, and asked me, “Who the hell are you?”

I replied, as calmly as I could muster, “I’m with Hockey Calgary. I’d like you to step down, and then we can talk.”

I was astounded at this man’s behaviour, and it didn’t seem possible that this grown man had climbed up the 15-foot tall wall of the ice rink to scream at the referees from what he saw as a bet­ter vantage point.

After a bit more screaming, he finally realized I was serious, and that I wanted him to step down.

After jumping down, I pulled him aside and I asked him, “Do you have a son out there?”

His voice laced with anger, he defensively offered, “Yes, I do.”

I told him, very simply, “I can’t imagine that your young son, eleven years old, is very proud of his dad at this moment.”

My calm, yet stern words seemed to resonate with him, and he seemed to calm down. We had a rea­sonable discussion about his behaviour, but at the end of that conversation, I asked him to leave the hockey rink.

After the game that night, I remember thinking to myself, What’s going on here? We are talking about a game that has eleven- and twelve-year-olds out there skating on the ice.

Unfortunately, this was not the only time I had to escort someone from a hockey rink. But it was one of the most memorable. I’ll never forget Spider-Man. But it really makes you wonder what takes over someone like that. His behaviour was moron­ic, and he was behaving at the level of intelligence of a child, without any rationale, and without any respect at all.

What happens to these people? They temporarily take off the hat of their everyday life and they put on a Moron Helmet. For whatever reason, near that hockey rink, they think that aggressive, asinine be­haviour is acceptable, for those few moments of watching their son or daughter play the game of hockey. Would they act like that in front of their boss, or at a family function? I hope not. But they do act that way at a hockey rink.

There is an incredible YouTube video by Miller Donnelly, who was nine years old when he first recorded it in 2008 (http://bit.ly/magic-helmet). He speaks about his Magic Helmet in that video. When he puts it on, suddenly everyone treats him like an adult, and he’s no longer a nine-year-old boy. Everyone is yelling and screaming at the top of their lungs at him.

As I mentioned above, in the same way the young hockey player feels like he puts on a Magic Helmet, his parents, coaches, and others put on a Moron Helmet, and do crazy things like scream at young boys playing a game on the ice. Or climb the glass of a hockey rink like Spider-Man.

Let me be perfectly honest here. I’ve had my Moron Helmet moments too. I understand it. We all have our moments in time where we experience some degree of behaviour that we, in hindsight, look back on and think, Boy, that wasn't very respectful!

I get it. We all have those moments in life. The problem is that, in the game of minor hockey in Canada, Moron Helmets are far too common.

Contrary to some people’s belief, it is possible to change moronic behaviour, and it’s something we need to work harder on. I remember being at a meeting with some of the “old guard” in hockey at a Hockey Canada AGM, when one particular leader within the organization made a comment that it’s always been this way, and it will always be this way in the future. I don’t ascribe to that point of view. I believe that kind of thinking is just as moronic as Spider-Man’s behaviour on that glass.

It’s not just angry fathers that cause trouble in mi­nor hockey. There are coaches, mothers, grand­parents, and the kids themselves, sometimes caus­ing problems, fights, and so forth. Hockey Calgary has rules to take care of difficult situations, as do minor hockey associations across Canada. As we will discuss later, it is not about the rules, but ra­ther the disciplined application of the rules. In any case, there is something fundamentally odd about the Moron Helmet. People simply act differently around the sport of hockey, even when it is played by small children.

Another example I remember quite vividly of mo­ronic behaviour was when two mothers from op­posing teams got into a fistfight. Long story short, the two moms ended up in fist-a-cuffs, screaming at one another all the way out of the building.

I also remember a father who decided to stand up at the top of the bleachers and yell profanities at the top of his lungs – directed at the rookie twelve-year-old official who was on the ice. His behaviour was so disturbing, that the game had to be stopped, and would not continue until he was removed from the premises, escorted out by fellow parents in order for the game to proceed.

One very upsetting case involved a league chair, who asked a parent to calm down, and was physi­cally threatened. The league chair resigned on the spot, and was escorted through the Zamboni ice entrance by other parents to safety. The hockey rink attendant that day had to call the police in order to remove the angry parent.

The list goes on and on of the inappropriate be­haviour from people behind the glass, not to men­tion the issue that happens on the rink with coach­es’ behaviour towards on-ice officials. Unfortu­nately, I have seen file after file of disrespectful be­haviour from all types of volunteers at every level in the minor hockey system.

I recall one situation where a young official would not even go into the dressing room after a hockey game because the coach had completely chastised and been disrespectful to him, a 14-year-old boy. The coach had not stoped yelling at him at the top of his lungs, even when the team was shaking hands at the end of the hockey game. The coach continued to berate the official, telling him he had done a terrible job. By the end of it, the boy was in tears, and refused to go into the referee’s dressing room that night. The next day, the boy’s parents called Hockey Calgary and told us that their son had not even attended school the following day.

Anyone that hears these stories, or has witnessed these stories would absolutely agree that such be­haviour is moronic and has to change. It all starts with the majority; most of the people in that hock­ey arena do not behave this way, and if they start taking action against those who behave that way, we will be able to fix the problem.

One initiative that has had a great deal of success is the Respect in Sport program.³ Hockey Calgary, Hockey Alberta, and then Hockey Canada have made this a part of their outreach into the com­munity. Unfortunately, this is not a mandatory program for all parents, and I seriously doubt that parents like Spider-Man will log in to the online training anytime soon. But it’s a start, and a great one.

We need to have a bottom-up approach. The rules and punishments are there, and they have been spelled out for many, many years in the different rulebooks that are available, whether it be the Hockey Canada rulebook or the particular branch rulebook or the direct association rulebook. In most cases those rules are well laid out and com­municated throughout the organizations. The problem is the ability to enforce the rules and em­brace the rules.

Here is the way we need to go about making change. There are three critical components to the success of this game:

1. On-ice officials who govern the on-ice be­haviour of the game, under the complete direction of the rulebook that is authored by Hockey Canada.
2. Coaches who have to be recruited by vari­ous hockey associations, are properly certi­fied, and are abiding by all the rules.
3. Adults: parents and volunteers.

You can’t rely on any of these three groups inde­pendent of the other groups. But when all three are well-regulated and respectful, the three-legged stool will stand firm. We all know what happens to a stool if it is missing a leg – it's falling over. Unfor­tunately, when I talk about the moronic behaviour that's happening inside the game of hockey, it's inevitably because one of those three legs is dam­aged, or has fallen off altogether.

The majority of on-ice officials, coaches, parents and volunteers are great people. I am not suggest­ing that they are all Morons, by any means. There are a few Morons in each category, but society has great success at resolving problems when “great” people get involved and address moronic behav­iour. There are vehicles and processes to follow to deal with the Morons.

Too many great people in this game in all three categories don't step up to the plate and call out the problems. Often, parents won’t speak up out of fear, or because they feel that they don't want to get involved because “this too will pass.” I hear these kind of stories all the time. They all end with a sad statement such as, “If I do that my kid won't be on that team next year.” Who is being bullied in this situation?

All three parties should embrace the fact that they have an obligation to understand the rules, under­stand the consequences and keep things in per­spective. What it comes down to is that this is a game for children, of whom 99% are not going into professional sports. These kids are only on the rink for the full purpose of camaraderie, learning how to work together, engaging in some exercise, and darn it, just having some fun.

The Respect in Sport initiative is a great place to begin. It is a great tool for parents to understand the behaviours that are acceptable, respectful, and disrespectful. It really focuses parents on policing themselves, but also gives parents skills and em­powerment so that, when they see something that's inappropriate, they will know what actions to take. When parents see Spider-Man climbing the glass, or two moms duking it out in the stands, other parents need to step up – they can’t just sit back and be oblivious.

If you see disrespectful or inappropriate behaviour, you have to step up, and you have to communi­cate with your local minor hockey association, which can give you tools for these situations. Do not allow yourself to be bullied, and if you don’t get immediate help, keep going up the ladder until you get answers.

Also, we need to empower parents to communi­cate with coaches in the same way they should communicate with other parents. If coaches aren’t keeping things in perspective, they might need a little tug on their pants just like Spider-Man did. Look at that coach, and realize that he has a Moron Helmet on. Remind him that this isn’t what we are all here for – it’s about the kids, and the love of sport. Tell him that he is not modeling the be­haviour he should be in front of impressionable children.

Let’s not forget Spider-Man. I know I won’t. Im­agine the number of people who were affected by his behaviour that day. There were 19 kids on each team – that makes 38 total. The stands had more than 200 people in them. That’s 238 people total. And two twelve-year-old officials on the ice, who were being yelled at for a missed offside call. All of this during an eleven- and twelve-year-old Peewee hockey game.

I would hazard to guess that, if I could find Spi­der-Man today, I'm quite sure that he would look back and say, “You know what? I really did have Moron Helmet on that day. I really did behave like a moron.”

Spider-Man probably would be a little embar­rassed, and might even have changed his behav­iour since then. But the damage that is done by that type of behaviour inside of a rink filled with so many impressionable kids is irreparable. Such reckless disregard for Respect in Sport has to be stopped. I challenge you to help me get started.

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³ Respect Group (www.respectgroupinc.com) was started in 2004, and has as its mission to “recognize and prevent abuse, bullying, and harassment through interactive, online certifi­cation.” They work in collaboration with the Canadian Red Cross, and their e-learning platform has the goal of “inspir­ing a global culture of respect.”