Chapter Eleven
We usually think of bullies as children on a school playground who bully another child. From my perspective, as it relates to minor hockey and this great game that we love so much, when we really strip it down and go back through this book chapter by chapter, we return to the common thread that the real bullies inside the game of minor hockey are not the players, but the adults.
Think about it. Where is the bully problem? Where’s the moronic behaviour? Where are all of the issues coming out of the game of hockey? They are not with the children.
Sure, there’s a bad situation that occurs from time to time on the ice, where a child hits another child incorrectly, the referee sees it, and then the kid gets a penalty, where they have to sit in the penalty box or be suspended from the game. We watch out for that kind of thing. We also watch out for inappropriate behaviours and bullying in the dressing room, where kids might bully one of their teammates.
However, the regulations that are in place to deal with child bullies are quite strong, and they are also the ones who are the most easily disciplined in terms of the rules, regulations, guidelines, and hierarchy that is in place for hockey. You know, when we really strip down all of the real absolute key issues that we need to fix as a society, far beyond the game of hockey, it’s the behaviour of adults that is the problem.
From the Spider-Man father, climbing up the frickin’ glass, banging on it and screaming at the top of his lungs at the twelve-year-old official on the ice, or screaming at his child because he did not do a breakout play properly, to the coach standing up on top of the boards screaming at the top of his lungs at the official, or at his players for not behaving properly, shouting, “skate harder” or “hit him,” there are many moronic behaviours that we see in and out of the game. But, ultimately, this is a hockey game, and it’s all about the kids, and adults need to be more cognizant of the behaviours they are modeling.
We’re not talking about a NHL game. We’re not watching guys making millions of dollars playing a game. We are watching children in community rinks out there for the sole benefit of achieving some physical fitness, establishing camaraderie with friends, learning rules and regulations, and being in a respectful environment with coaches. That’s what we’re talking about here, and the people who are spoiling this – the real bullies – are the adults.
The truth is, even when bullying happens among kids, the responsibility for it usually lies in some part with the adults. Unfortunately, the most common form of bullying these days happens as a result of cellphones with cameras. In this age of social media and technology, pictures from the locker room are sometimes sent around.
The reality of the situation is, this should never have happened in the first place, if adults had been following the rules. Inside of the minor hockey rules, as they are laid out today, there must always be two adults in every dressing room in a minor hockey situation in Hockey Canada. That is the rule, but many adults don’t know the rule, and coaches aren’t enforcing the rule – many of them ignoring the occurrence of the problem.
If the bullying rules were properly enforced, as written, you would seldom have problems with a child being disrespectful, abusive, or bullying another human being, let along taking a photograph of another boy in the locker room. Second of all, the added protection of having two adults in every locker room situation helps guard against, God forbid, the situation where you end up with an adult who takes advantage of that child’s trust.
The other thing is the importance of an education component when it comes to kids. Hockey Canada has embraced a program called Respect in Sport, and they have just launched a new program. Their goal is to educate kids more and more, in terms of what bullying looks like. That will, and has, made all the difference. Only, not with adult bullies. That problem still exists.
Picture, for a moment, some person in your neighborhood saying to you, “You know what? I’m going to start using your sprinkler. I’m going to use your water to water my lawn, and that’s the way it’s going to be, because I’m the biggest guy on the street.”
That situation sounds ridiculous – it just wouldn’t happen. And yet, suddenly, in the game of minor hockey, when an adult sees his child being neglected by the coach, is sitting him on the bench and obviously that child knows what happening.
He’s not getting played because I guess he’s not as good as the other players on the team and I see it, and parents have come to me in the past and said, “It’s just horrible. I’m so upset about this,” and when I invariably ask them, “So what are you going to do about it?” Parents reply with, “Oh well, I can’t do anything about it because then Johnny will no longer be able to play on this elite level team next year.”
When we think about that, and anybody that would read those statements, read that story, I would challenge you to say, ‘Is that acceptable?’ Is that remotely, in any concept, is that an acceptable behaviour by an adult to not step up to defend their child, for fear of retribution from the coach?
What is even worse is what are we teaching the child at the center of this mess. What are we teaching your child as you jump in the car or truck that night, and as you drive home from the rink, Little Johnny says, “Boy, Dad, I don’t get to play very much; the coach doesn’t play me. He must not like me, or I’m not the strongest of players, so I guess I shouldn’t be playing hockey.” That’s just not the way things should operate.
The solution needs to come from the bottom up; from the majority of adults who are not the bullies; from the majority who are not morons.
The majority of adults inside this game are really, really good, decent people and that’s where the solution comes from. It comes from them showing a sincere and active interest in getting involved, speaking out, and not putting up with bullying behaviour when they witness it.
Instead of sitting back and waiting for the system to deal with the adult’s inappropriate bullying behaviour, or the inappropriate behaviour in a volunteer rank, or the inappropriate behaviour as a coach, parents need to speak up and not allow themselves to be bullied. The vast majority of parents are great people and they want nothing but greatness to occur inside this game. So the solution comes from not sitting back waiting for the hierarchy or the system to fix it. The system has all the right rules and regulations in place. It’s time to fix the problem of systemic adult bullying from the bottom up.
The problem is parents or adults are not prepared to step up for fear of retribution, for fear of isolation, for fear of legacy issues as a result of them stepping up and saying ‘look this is just unacceptable’. The more and more people that step up to that, against the bullies, against the adults that are misbehaving, the quicker we can fix the problem. But it will take action from good people to prevail over these bullies.