I made it to Friday! It’s late in the evening when I exit the elevator and toss my backpack on the all-white expensive sofa. I walk to the balcony that faces the lake and observe the many families out on the beach. It’s a beautiful day in downtown Chicago as the breeze from Lake Michigan blows my hair. My phone alerts from inside. It’s a text message from Carmen: I hope you made it safe. Text me when you get settled. I invited her to hang out with me since she’s been so kind and saved me from that creep Malik. I have had no more problems
out of him since that night.
I’m still having a hard time processing his actions from the situation, though. He fits the definition of a crooked detective who uses his badge and title to get away with shit the average person wouldn’t get away with.
I reply with a simple okay. I go through the fridge and find one of my favorite meals cooked by the housekeeper: steamed shrimp, roasted asparagus, and creamed corn. While my food is warming, I open all the windows so the breeze from the lake can flow in. I get myself a beer and bottled water to go with my dinner.
Sitting down to enjoy my meal, images of Carmen cloud my thoughts. She’s been the sweetest person to me and I’ve become fond of her, even with my trust issues. The feelings she gives me allows me to feel free. In some ways, she puts me in the mind of my sister, so caring and gentle. She’s thoughtful, and her charm is overwhelming. My mom would have a fit if she knew I thought of a woman in this way.
I finish my dinner and gather my things for a warm bath. I text Carmen afterwards to let her know she can be on her way. She has the information already because I gave it to her before leaving campus.
Vaseline beads and bubbles add a soothing feeling to the scalding water in the enormous garden tub. They filled the linen closet with freshly washed towels. So I take a few and place one on the toilet to dry off with, one on the floor to step on, and throw one in the tub to wash with. Some pleasant tunes will be perfect to help me relax, but my mother interrupts my mission to turn them on.
“Hello, Mother.” I exhale.
“Hello, did you make it to the condo?”
“Yes, I did. I was preparing for a bath,” I respond, hoping she gets the hit and ends the conversation.
“You must’ve had a long week.” She ignores my efforts.
“No, I just want to take a bath since there’s only a shower in the dorms.” I emphasize my urgency to bathe.
“That’s understandable. I received another letter from your father today, have you thought about going to visit him?”
She couldn’t be serious right now. Is she trying to have a conversation about my father with me right now? “Yes, I have. I will go before I come home for Thanksgiving.”
“Have you called or go see Jarmaine?”
“No, not yet, mother. I’ll go see him one day next week,” I tell her as I go in the bathroom to turn the water from hot to cold so it’ll be nice and warm.
“I’m not interrupting your bath, am I?” It’s obvious she doesn’t care.
“Goodnight, Mother,” I say, answering her question with my overt actions of ridding her with a farewell.
“Goodnight.”
After I end the call, I select my “Wind-down Music” playlist. The first song that plays as I undress is “Officially Missing You” by Tamia. My body sinks in the water and embraces the softness that the Vaseline beads provide. The tub pillow catches my head and my eyes close as Tamia’s lyrics take me directly into thinking mode. I am officially missing her, and I can’t figure out why. Is Carmen my definition of genuine love? She’s clarified that sex is not what she wants from me. Well, it’s not all she wants from me. She told me she wants to love me, and I love her, unconditionally. What is unconditional love? There are so many thoughts that swarm my brain since she has come into my life. I fear hurt. I fear being used. I fear… fear. Having true love would be nice, but I sometimes wonder if I deserve it? I’m just now learning how to love myself unconditionally and I fear sharing it, but I find myself open with sharing it with her. Will I be able to handle a relationship with another woman? I don’t know. The music and my thoughts take me away like Calgon for God knows how long. I open my eyes to run more hot water and Carmen stands in the doorway watching me. My throat sits in my stomach, preventing me to speak. Instead, I freeze in mid reach, staring at her with my jaw dropped.
“Did I frighten you?” She slowly walks closer and kneels down on the side of the tub. She closes my mouth and kisses my neck gently. “I wanted to surprise you. You don’t think I’m a creep, do you?” she questions, mocking what I said about Malik.
Finally able to speak, I clear my throat and reply, “How can I think you’re that when I gave you all the information you needed to get in?” I was so absorbed in my thoughts, I didn’t hear her come in.
Was that a question or were you being disrespectful? She asks as she undresses and joins me in the tub. She then straddles me in an awkward position; knees levered up, hips joined to mine, and feet flat at the bottom of the tub.
“You never cease to amaze me.” I unwittingly wrap my arms around her neck. Why is it so easy for me to attach to her?
“Is that good?” She moves her lips closer to mine.
“It’s all bad,” I say, not knowing if I’m joking or not. She gently kisses me with so much passion, I immediately melt into her. There goes that electric shock. I mirror her kisses. Her lips are soft against mine. It causes me to let out an adoring moan in her mouth. She doesn’t stop. Her kisses grow even more sensual as her body gets closer. She pulls me up some so we are breast to breast. She’s still straddling me, and I can feel her vagina on mine. Our buttons connect when she reaches down and spread my lips apart. My body weakens. A moan transfers from my mouth to hers. She moves in the water, taking my body with her like the waves in the ocean. I let out another moan and this time she returns one. Our bodies speed up. My body explodes, and she throws her head back and lets out a loud moan as if hers exploded with mine. We slow down. She kisses me again.
Carmen cups my breast with each hand, while circling my nipples with her forefinger each time our buttons unite. The moaning begins again. She stops kissing me and whispers my name slowly in my ear. My body fills with desire. She says my name again. My body fills up more. She says my name again, this time breathing gently in my ear after every syllable. I explode as she squeezes my breast and says my name louder. I mutter the words, “I… am… cum… ing.”
Our tongues wrestle for a minute or two. Carmen then stands and reaches down for my hand, helping me up. She knows I’m weak. She steps out and supports me as I try to keep my balance. We walk into the bedroom, and there are purple rose petals all over the bed and on the floor. I smile deeply. When did she do all of this, I wonder? I must’ve really been in my thoughts and lost track of time. Is she trying to make me fall in love with her? Why can’t men treat me this way? Why do they try to take what is so sacred, when all they have to do is treat me like a beautiful woman, and I would gladly share my temple with them? She lightly picks me up and lays me down on the bed, lies beside me, and turns facing me while resting her head on her propped up hand. She looks me in the eyes and stares at me for I don’t know how long, because I get lost in her eyes. Even in the dark, the beauty beyond them shines through.
I eventually break the stare and ask, “Why are you staring at me?” It’s the only thing I can think to say without sounding stupid.
“I’m not staring at you; I’m admiring your beauty.” She runs her fingers gently across my lips.
“The beauty of my eyes?” My question is tender.
“No, the beauty of your soul.” Carmen leans down and plants delicate kisses on my lips.
“What… are… you… try… ing… to… do… to… me…?” I ask, pronouncing every word slowly and softly between each kiss she plants.
“Love you.”
I put my hand up to stop her. “But why me?” I question her before going any further.
“I’ve been saving myself; saving myself for someone like you. I’ve been a lesbian for as far back as I can remember. I’ve had no type of abuse from a man; not mentally, physically, sexually, or emotionally. I just never had a desire to be with one. I told myself I wanted to learn the concept of love before I jumped in a relationship with a woman. I didn’t want to jump in the game pussy first. I wanted to love me. Truly, wholeheartedly, and unconditionally before trying to love someone else. I seek companionship, and not a relationship. After I fulfilled these aspects, I saw you and I said to me, ‘self, that woman will be my wife for she is my soul mate.’ I felt your spirit when I first saw you; which was two years ago walking across campus.”
“Why didn’t you say anything? I could’ve used a friend,” I whisper.
“I wasn’t ready to say anything to you then. I had two classes with you last year and made it a priority to stay out of your view. This year, when I saw you in class and later found out you were Skylar’s roommate, I wanted to save you. Everyone needs saving, and I felt it was my duty to save you from pain and hurt, and then capture you by love; unconditional love. Now that I know you’re not gay, I find it unbelievable that I’ve fallen so hard for a straight woman. Who would’ve known that being around a person, or seeing them for the first time, would affect me how it has? I never believed in love at first sight until I saw you. You have a sensitivity about yourself that’s hidden behind a tough shell. I want to be the one to bring that out of you. I want to be the one to make you smile for absolutely no reason at all. Your smile brightens the sun on the dreariest days. I always have marvellous days, but seeing you make them even better. I hate to say it, but I see why everyone finds it hard to let you go. If it’s too much for you, tell me, and I’ll understand.” After saying all of that, her gaze remains absorbed into mine.
“I barely know how to love me, let alone someone else. I don’t know you.” I pause and lower my head in shame, and then sigh, “But here I am making out with you in ways I’ve never done with anyone else.”
She lifts my chin until her eyes hook and reel mines in. “I can show you how to love.” She kisses me softly.
“I don’t know.” I’m not sure if I’m lying or telling the truth.
Carmen says nothing else, but reaches on the nightstand, picks up the Aveeno lavender lotion, and smooths it all over my naked body, from head to toe and front and back. As I lay on my stomach, she sets the lotion down and picks up peppermint and lemon scented oil. It immediately opens all my senses and pores. I can hear her rubbing her hands together and then feel her message over my shoulders, moving down to my mid-back. The oil is warm, and the scent is relaxing.
She slowly massages me everywhere, including my feet. Squatted down at the foot of the bed, she asks me to reposition myself to my back. Once done, she tickles me… literally, when she slowly sucks my toes. It tickles, but it feels so damn good too. Surprised, I arch my spine and grip the sheet with both fists as her fingers caress my body and her tongue follows. I’m mind blown and caught in her rapture. I try to speak, but whines ooze from my lips instead. Her name then follows. She spreads my legs as she reaches for my cookie. Opening my jar, she licks slowly below my button while allowing her nose to tickle it. I wince in pleasure as she repeats the steps. Her tongue moves in and out of my jar gradually. I lock my fingers in her hair until she takes one hand and intertwine her fingers with mine.
Carmen stops with her episode of teasing my button and places my other hand where her nose once tickled. She moves my forefinger to my opening to retrieve more juices and then sucks the same finger seductively. She uses her finger as a guide to navigate rounded motions on my button. Each time I attempt to move, she pulls my hand that’s intertwined with hers tighter. After a few tries, she eventually lets go. With my free hand, I reach for her face and pull her up to kiss her lips. She’s surprised when I don’t move my other hand from my button, not even when she moves hers. “You like how you make yourself feel?” Her whispers in my ear turn me on more.
“Yes,” I mumble softly as I turn my hips to match my circular motions. My dough rises as I speed up. She then whirls my hand.
“No,” she rejects, “don’t cum yet. I want to cum with you and then hold you in my arms while you fall asleep.” She lies down to the right of me, takes my right hand, and places it on her button as she places her left hand on my now stimulated clit. She is wetter than Raging River and turned on is an understatement for what I am right now. With my right hand on her and her left hand on me, she takes her free hand and once again, guides me to move it the way she likes, which is the same way I enjoy pleasure; slow and gentle until I reach my climax. She turns her head towards me and kisses my shoulder. Moans proceed as I change my hips to the rhythm of her finger’s rotation. She does the same, and we are both moaning and moving to the same beat. We elevate the more our bodies move with ecstasy. I speed up. She speeds up. I speed up more. She speeds up more. I breathe harder. She breathes harder. We both then clinch our legs together at the same time as we orgasm, calling out each other’s names. I’m left disoriented as she turns on her side, pulls me as close as close can be, lifts my head so it lies on one of her arms while she wraps the other arm around me, and holds tight.
The smell of food wakes me the following morning. Carmen isn’t in bed when I reach for her. My body immediately sits up, afraid she’s left. She sees me from the kitchen and comes in with a plate of bacon, eggs, rice, smothered potatoes, orange juice, and yogurt on a tray. A smile from me to her is my way of thanking her.
“You enjoy this, and I will go for my morning run.” She kisses me on the forehead and gets dressed. Not the ultimate forehead kiss.
“How long will you be?”
“Maybe an hour. I have to keep this sexy body of mine in shape,” she says, lifting her shirt and rubbing her abs.
My food was so good, it was all gone before I could taste it. I guess that’s what a night full of sexcapades do; make you hungry. I take my plate to the kitchen and place it in the sink as the shower calls my name. The bath tub remains filled with water and memories of the night before swarm my head. My entire body tingles, especially between my legs. I let the old water out, shower, lotion, and slip into a pair of Victoria Secret yoga pants and T-shirt. A glow on my face radiates through the mirror as I pull my hair up into a bun. Is this what wonderful sex does? Or is it, love? I ignore my thoughts as I brush my teeth. Once I’m done, I slide into my thong sandals, and search the refrigerator for a bottle of water. On my way to the balcony, I pick up my journal and pen. From where I’m sitting, I can see Carmen stretching. “What am I doing?,” I ask myself out loud as I open my journal to the next empty page.
Saturday, August 30, 2006
9:48am
I had the time of my life last night with Carmen. It’s not just the sex that I enjoyed. I also enjoyed the pillow talk. She opened up to me and revealed things that I would never have guessed, like her not dating anyone. I just knew she was a player that crushed a lot, like Skylar’s ass. No, Skylar is a flat out whore. There’s something different about Carmen. Something different about the way she treats me, touches me, and talks to me. She listens to every word I say and is exceptionally observant. She knows what to say, what to do, when to say it, and when to do it. She makes me smile from my soul. Am I in love? Is this what love is? It sure feels like love. How do I even know what love feels like since I’ve never experienced it? This is that textbook love; the kind you only read about. Can I love her the same way she loves me? I don’t know if I’ll be able to answer these questions soon, but I know I have to figure this entire situation out before I go home for Thanksgiving. Depending on where Carmen and my relationship go, I want to tell my mother. It’s only been a week of school and so much has happened, but it’s only been two days for she and I. Can you love someone that fast? She says she’s loved me since she laid eyes on me two years ago. Is there such a thing as love at first sight? I think we view love in two distinct ways. I see love through her eyes, but I don’t see them through my own eyes. Maybe I’ll eventually fall in love with her as she has with me. Wait, that makes me wonder… am I a lesbian?
Has she turned me out? Is this what I want? Is this what I need? There are so many questions I have to ask myself, and I must answer them before I’ll know if I love her. She’s everything I could ask for, but she’s a woman providing all the things I would expect a man to provide. How does that work? That’s so not fair. Not only do I have to figure this lesbian thing out but also if my heart is ready for something so deep.
MM