While screaming at the top of her lungs, my mother presses a picture into my chest. She stands five-feet-seven inches and her Bob hairstyle cuts right at her chin. Her physique has a perfect structure that looks good on her. For her to be in her beginning years of her prime, —forty— her yellow skin complexion is flawless and wrinkle free. Her perfect teeth, arranged within her smile, reveals a softer side of what and who she pretends to be.
“What is this?!” I lower my head with shame when I take the picture and see that it’s me and Carmen. “Answer me, dammit!”
“I don’t know what it is.” This is not how I wanted her to find out. I wanted to be the one to share this news with her.
“I know what it is. It’s you laid up on my fucking balcony with another woman. Are you a lesbian now? Or is this what you’ve always been?” I can feel her rage.
“I don’t know.”
“You don’t know? Well then, tell me what you know!”
“I don’t know,” are the only words I can think to say.
“You want to be lying around with some dyke, when school is your primary focus! You will NOT see her again! I mean, you WILL NOT! I will do everything in my might to change this. You should be with a man, not a woman. What can she possibly do for you that a man can’t do? Huh, Melody?! Tell me that! What can she do for you? What does she do for you? Not shit! A man can do so much more! Do you think I pay your tuition so you can sleep around with women? Huh? Do you think I bust my ass for you so can you do this? That money your father left ran out a long time ago. I’m the reason your tuition gets paid. I’m the reason you don’t have bills to pay. I’m the reason you have credit cards that you don’t have to pay. I’m the reason, Melody! I work hard to assure you live a grand lifestyle and this is the thanks I get. What is it you have to say for yourself? Who’s the man in this relationship? You are her?” She stands with her hands on her hips.
“There is no man in the relationship. We’re both women and we know we’re women. I appreciate everything you’ve done and continue to do for me, but she gives me love. Love in so many ways. No man has ever made me feel the way she makes me feel. I’m sorry, Mother, but I think I love her.” I look into her eyes when I speak, so she understands my feelings.
“Love her? Ha! You’re barely twenty-one. You don’t know how to spell love, let alone feel it! You haven’t even experienced life and you say love her. You’re a disgrace!” Although I don’t know if she’s being sarcastic or serious, because she’s yelling and laughing at me to my face, her words cut deep, and they hurt.
“Why, because you never showed me the meaning of love?” I surprise myself when I say the words. And as soon as I do, she smacks me, hard. I rub my face and look at her. “I hate you, Mother.” I shove her out of my way and stomp to the pool house.
She catches up with me and grabs me by the arm and swings me around, “You hate me? The person who’s taken care of you for your entire life. You hate me? The person who’s provided for you when your father left. You hate me, but you think you love her.”
“I would like to go now,” I say, ignoring her ignorance.
“Go where? Where are you going, Melody? To your dyke bitch?” She asks as she holds my arm tight.
I try to wiggle free and say, “Mother, you’re hurting me.”
“I’m hurting you? I’m hurting you? Do you not understand how much this hurts me? To find out my daughter is fucking another woman.” She asks.
“I’m sorry, Mother.” Tears fall.
She releases my arm and walks away. “This is far from over, young lady,” she informs me before approaching the French doors. She then turns and walks back towards me. When she reaches me, she sticks her hand out, “Your phone. Give it to me NOW!”
“What? Why do I have to give you my phone?” I ask, completely baffled. What is she planning to do, sabotage me?
“Give me the phone.” Her voice is stern and intimidating.
“But Mom.” I cry harder.
“But Mom nothing.”
I give her my phone; she snatches it and walks away. She turns again and tells me she’s going out, and to be ready for dinner by six. My body is unmoving. It feels as though my entire world has fallen apart. My knees hit the wood surface as the tears pour. I’m feeling empty. As I kneel sobbing, I think to myself that maybe this is best for me. Everything happens for a reason, right? At least that’s what the saying is. I’d already had intentions on not going back, so maybe this is the confirmation I need. But I love her. Love has caused me to run away. I’m not sure if it’s love or the fear of love. I slowly pick myself up and walk into the pool house. Lucia has brought my beer and placed them in the refrigerator. I get one, put a lemon in it, and take it to the bathroom with me.
Viewing myself in the mirror, red eyes with tears dropping, my thoughts take off. I’ll apologize to my mother and tell her about my failing grades, and about how I plan not to return to school. I know that’ll make her happy. I’ll tell her how she’s right, but in the meantime, what will I do with this empty feeling that’s inside me? What will I do about Carmen? How will I tell her? Maybe I won’t say anything to her. Maybe I’ll just give her the impression that I disappeared off the face of the earth. This isn’t right. I have to say something to her. I don’t want her to worry. No, I won’t say anything. Because of her, I’ve flunked out of college. Because of her, I’m completely confused about my sexuality. Maybe I should go to counseling and try to forget about her. But how? Maybe I’ll change my name so she won’t be able to locate me. She thinks I’m in St. Louis, so I know that’s where she’ll look. I lied to her about who I am and where I’m from. Maybe this is the reason. Should I tell my mother about these plans and ask for her help? In her eyes, I’m searching for love in all the wrong places; maybe she’s right. As much as I hate to say that, it could be true. I will contact no one in Chicago. Am I wrong for doing this? Does it matter? I don’t think it does. I have to do what I have to do for my own well-being. Although I don’t like school, or my major, flunking out is not a pleasant look and it’ll forever affect me. What’s more important, being loved or my education? If I could have the benefit of experiencing both and knew how to handle them, that would be picture perfect. Unfortunately, there’s no such thing as picture perfect.
Distracted by Lucia’s voice, I turn to discover her standing in the doorway with another beer for me and one for herself. “Okay, my sweet Melody?” Her tone is always soft and sensitive, and it comforts me during my times of need.
“I’ll be okay, Lucia. Thank you so much for always being here for me.” I take the beer from her hand. I’m knocking them back like a drunken old man. My thoughts took over so fast and so hard, that I didn’t realize I’d drunk the entire first beer while standing in the mirror. She takes my free hand and leads me to the bay window, and we both sit. This is where our talks have always taken place. I can never talk to my mother, but I can always to talk to Lucia when I’m home. She knows just about everything.
“You know how you mother is, my sweet darling. I try to calm her before her came outside, but her rushed past, fast. That damn Malik. Him always just wanted she money, but her fucking he makes worst only,” she says in her broken English. Then she continues in Spanish, “Sólo espero que él muere en su sueño (I just hope he dies in he sleep).”
Confused, I clarify, “Did you say Malik?”
“Yes, Malik. He come to follow you like her paid he to. He no real detective, him just private investigator. Her make it seem like it random. Her knew all the time, just wait for you come home. Her extra ass.” She looks at me and laughs because I taught her to call my mother “extra” years ago and told her what it means.
I let out a snicker but feel sick to my stomach at this disgusting news. “Does she know that he allows men to give him oral sex?”
“Her know. Him was round for years. Him used to do a threesome with you father and she. Him was kept away from you kids, so no suspicions.” My mouth waters. I jump up and dart to the bathroom, and all the beer and food I ate immediately comes up. Lucia comes with me and rubs my back as I continue releasing all that was in me. “Let out, baby, let all out,” she says to me. Once I’m done, she puts her arm around my waist to keep me stable, and walks me back to the window.
“How do you know all of this, Lucia?” I ask in between sobs.
“Honey, Lucia be round for long time. Me know everyting.” She goes to the kitchen and returns with a cold wet towel, and wipes my mouth and forehead.
I feel sick. I’m more confused now than I was earlier. “What will I do, Lucia?”
“Baby, you love she or you think you love she? You confused. Take time for Melly Baby. Figure out you. Then go from there. If her love you, her will be there. Tell she what is going on and why you leave and don’t go back.” She pauses and takes a long swig of her beer. I look at her and giggle at her jacked up English, while still crying. “What funny?” she asks seriously.
“No matter how much I’ve tried to teach you proper English over the years, it’s still fucked up.”
“You know what me mean though, right?.”
“Yes, Lucia, I know exactly what you mean and I always know what you’re trying to say.” I bury my head in her lap. As a child, whenever I would hurt myself or became sleepy, I would climb in Lucia’s lap and lie there until I fell asleep. As I got older and bigger, I would just lay my head there.
She rubs my hair like she always does and says, “Be all right, my child. Be alllll right.” She leans down and kisses me on my head.
“Thank you, Lucia,” I respond as the tears fall.
“Welcome, baby. Anyting for me sweet Melody.”
I lay with my mind full, allowing everything to sink in. “How dare she react the way she did, and she was having sex with a man who likes to get his dick sucked and sucks dick?” The sobbing continues.
“That’s prolly why, sweetie, cause her know how that lifestyle work. Can’t tell you why for sure, but you not worry bout that, try to get rest.” She wipes my tears with a Kleenex and I follow her instructions and cry myself to sleep.
When I wake up, Lucia has left me. She usually does once I pass out. My eyes blink a few times to adjust to the clock, only to notice that it’s almost five. My body feels like it’s been sleep for days. I slowly get up and go to the bathroom to shower. The mirror reflection reveals how I look and feel. My eyes are baggy and I could use a facial. With no tunes, I shower quickly and get dressed. My pink capris and blue T-shirt will suffice for the moment as I throw my hair in a ponytail and slide on my Sperry’s.
Not caring how I look, I walk to the house, hoping my mother doesn’t have a thousand and one questions for me. I will go in here and quickly apologize and tell her how right she is so she can leave it alone. Her boyfriend Sam’s Bentley sits in the driveway. Damn, why does he have to be here? I’ll beat around the bush with my apology, not revealing what I’m apologizing for. I’m sure he already knows since she can’t keep anything from him.
In the house, I walk in the dining room to see my mother, her boyfriend, and the same guy from the airport all sitting around the table. I can’t help but wonder if she has people watching me everywhere. I mean mug my mother as I take the seat closest to her.
“Darling, this is Victor White. He’s an AR for Lyrical Records. Victor, this is my daughter Serenity. Your stepfather invited him to dinner to discuss business.” She speaks as if nothing has happened between her and me, and who is this Serenity person she just called me. And Sam is not my damn stepfather!
“What a coincidence,” he says as he stands until I’m seated.
“You two know each other,” my mother asks.
“We crossed paths at the airport.” I don’t care about who he is or his purpose for being here, but I care about Serenity, whoever that is.
“Yes, I bought her a beer, and she threw my card away earlier today while I was waiting to get picked up.” He allows his beautiful smile to smite me.
My mother looks at me in disbelief, “You did no such thing, did you? How rude of you?” She returns her look to Victor. “Well, I guess it’s a small world.” She looks at me and suspiciously sips her wine.