Saturday, December 9, 2006
10:00am
The past week has been interesting. So much has happened and left me inquisitive and confused all at the same time. I still haven’t heard from Raven about my mother’s test results, but we’re hanging out today, so I hope she has information for me. The changing of my mother’s will, her health, and her overall actions have been all I can seem to think about. The way she treats people and her evilness makes me question who she is as a person. Is she bitter? What is it? I’m afraid she may do something crazy if I ask her. Or she’ll blow me off and not talk for some days. She’s done that before and replaced drinking with talking. Maybe after I find out what her test results are, I’ll say something to her. I know I must wait until Sam doesn’t have his nosey, lurking ass around. Since he’s moved in, she acts like she’s afraid to move if he isn’t in her presence. The other day at dinner, she disclosed timid actions. With her acting this way, it made Lucia and I question all the things she was saying while we were on our way to the restaurant. Maybe it was all a part of her plan… To make him think he’s in control and she’s under his spell. I’m not sure what her motive is, but I don’t like it. It makes her look weak, and less of the women she is. I don’t understand how a person can deal with something so much, that it drives them to drink the way she does. Drinking has become her all day, every day routine; come home for lunch and have a glass or two of wine, wine for dinner, wine before bed, and most days several glasses in between. She barely eats, and she’s beginning to look sick.
Being driven to the state of incapacity is not an option for me. Carmen tried to cast me under whatever spell she had because I felt weak for her and everything she did. Unable to think about anything or anyone else besides her, makes me wonder if it was genuine love. Regardless of what it was, I’m kind of glad I got away from her spell. But am I away from her since I still think about her…
True enough, I desire genuine love, but I’d rather wait for it. I went to see Dr. Young, and we talked about a lot of things; my childhood, my sister, my mother, my father, and Carmen. I felt drained when I left. She wants me to start back writing in my journal at least twice a week. Dr. Young says she doesn’t care if it’s two or three words about how I’m feeling. I said I would try. Not sure how much of a success it’ll be since I’m working an actual job now.
With all the events that have been taking place at my house, I’ve tried to consume myself and my thoughts in my work. I’ll admit that I miss the sex with Carmen. Masturbating isn’t getting it the way she used to get it… not like I thought it would. I sometimes wonder if that’s the only reason she attracted me to begin with, especially after my mother said all the things she did about me not knowing what love really is and so on. She even had me believing sex is all Carmen, and I had, until I remembered how gentle and kind she was with and to me, how attentive she was, how she showed her admiration, how she stared at me and told me she loved me and everything about me. I could go on and on about the way she ‘loved’ me, but I can’t because it’s causing me to want her. Want her sexually and not mentally or emotionally.
Dr. Young says a relationship is no good if sex is all you desire from a person. What good is a relationship without companionship? I do not understand what companionship is because I’ve never seen it. I don’t know if my mother and father even had companionship, especially considering how he was taking my little sister’s innocence. If they had companionship, then maybe he wouldn’t have had to look elsewhere for what he could get from his wife and vice versa. Speaking of his wife, I know I say all the time that I blame my mother for not knowing what love is, but the truth is the truth. She’s never shown me love. I can’t recall her ever telling me she loves me. A person can tell me something repeatedly, but until they show it, their words mean nothing. What’s the saying, “actions speak louder than words”? That’s the realest thing I can relate to. But wait; does that make me a hypocrite? Has Carmen shown me she loves me? I don’t know! How can I know what something is if I’ve never experienced it? I will ask Dr. Young if there’s a book or something that tells you what genuine love is. Or do I really want to know?
My mother says she thinks Sam truly loves her. He just doesn’t know how to show it. How in the hell can this fool possibly love her when he has an entire family somewhere else, and she knows he’s using her for her money? That’s all I thought about when I heard her tell Lucia that bullshit. Well, at least she was smart enough to change her will before it was too late. It’s been weird with him living here. He creeps around the house acting suspiciously like he’s looking for something. He makes everyone here uncomfortable except for my mother. We don’t know what he has up his sleeve. He may be off the hook with my mother, but not with Lucia and me. I’m not even sure if my mother really has a plan, besides changing the will. I question her strength to not allow that bastard to get in her head. She makes me resent her. She makes me look at her in a certain way, and it’s not positive. She and he both give me a query feeling. I don’t know what to think about her. I’m even at a point to where I don’t even know how to take her, her actions, or what she says. Thank God I have Lucia in my life.
Lucia loves me! I know she loves me. Is that what love feels like? Maybe it is! She’s the one person I trust more than anyone else. Actually, she’s the only person I trust. I didn’t have time to speak to Dr. Young about her, but I must remember to mention her in our next session.
My phone rings, disturbing my writing. It’s Raven. I look at the clock and it’s 11:12am. Damn! Where did the time go? “Hey, Rave, what’s up?”
“Hey, Mel! I was just calling to confirm our plans for today.” Her voice is gloomy, and she doesn’t sound like her normal hyper self.
“Yes, five o’clock right?” I confirm.
“Yes, ma’am, five is right.”
“Is everything all right, Raven? You sound like… like something’s bothering you.”
“Um, I really can’t talk about it right now because I’m at work, but I’ll talk to you about it when we meet up.”
“Okay. Is it that no-good boyfriend of yours?”
“Eh… something like that.” Her voice sounds sad, but I think she’s lying.
“Well, all right. I’ll see you later and don’t allow him to ruin your day. Especially since you’re hanging out with me. We can’t have you down, I need some of that positive energy.” I hear Dr. Ivanovsky in the background, so I end the call quickly.
“Okay, I’ll see you later,” I hear her say as I’m hanging up.
It’s five o’clock already and I’m dressed down in a green cotton maxi dress and yellow thong sandals, sitting at The Clevelander Bar on Ocean Drive. I have my Heineken on draft with lemons and water with no ice with lemons. From what I remember, Raven doesn’t drink beer, so I ordered her a frozen margarita. Just as the waiter returns with our drinks, I see Raven from a distance, striding through the sand. She’s dressed in a blue skirt, white tank-top, and it looks like white flip-flops. The closer she gets, the more I notice her looking like she lost her best friend. She and I aren’t as close as we once were, but she knows she can always call on me if she ever needs to talk, at least I hope she knows that. When she reaches me, she takes her seat and stares without saying a word. I say nothing either, giving her time to get herself together. Through her straw, she takes a long sip of her drink and then asks how my day is going.
“My day is magnificent! I think I should ask you about your day.” My response is bubbly, hoping my energy spreads to her like hers normally does to everyone else.
“I’m sorry. I’ve had a long day. You would think by today being Saturday, it would’ve been easy at the office, but I guess that’s what I get for thinking, huh? It just wasn’t my usual Saturday.” Her depressing mood is draining me.
“Well, Raven, you can’t allow things to get the best of you. Whatever you’re going through, just know that it gets better. Sometimes it takes something drastic to happen to us before we realize how strong we are. It can be something so simple that brings reality to the forefront.” Raven stares at me as I continue on with my words of encouragement.
She takes another sip of her margarita, sits it on the table, and cuts me off in mid-sentence. “Mel.”
“Yes, Raven? What’s up? Are you okay? You’re not in the mood to be here. This isn’t like you not to have anything to say. Usually, you’re the one rambling on about something, but today it’s me. I sure hope you get over this funk you’re in because honestly, you’re slowly draining my strength. It’s like I’m sitting here trying hard to uplift you and nothing is working.” I’ve become frustrated.
“Mel,” is all she says.
“What’s up? Why are you continuously saying my name like something is wrong? What’s up?”
“Your mother is HIV positive. We got the results back yesterday, and I was trying to figure out a way to tell you. Doc and I have both been trying to reach her, but she has returned none of our calls. We wanted her to know before I told you. I know I told you I would contact you as soon as the results were in, but I wanted to give her a chance to tell you first. There’s no way I would’ve been able to come here and not say something to you, and I didn’t want to cancel. I hope you’re not mad at me.” I sit speechless. I asked for the information. Now, I don’t know how to take it. The tables have turned and I’m the one sitting here staring in disbelief. Surprised and sadness are the feelings that confuse me, and the confusion overwhelms me.
“Melody, please say something. Promise me you won’t say anything to your mother. If you do, I’ll lose my job. Let doc be the one to tell her first. Are you going to keep your composure until she says something to you herself? Please say something to me.” She crosses her arms and plop back in her chair. “I knew I shouldn’t have told you.” Raven whispers under her breath in disappointment.
“I won’t say anything. I have to go.” I pick my things up, put my sunglasses on, stand, and walk to the waiting car without paying or saying another word.
After a car ride that seems like forever, I make it back home and walk through the foyer and into the kitchen feeling like a zombie. Lucia has dinner prepared and is sitting at the kitchenette eating with Bella. She sees me and asks, “Everyting all right, Dear?” There’s no response. Instead, I go to the refrigerator, get a beer, and take the seat next to Lucia. “Tome su comida a su habitación para terminar. Shoo! Shoo!” she tells Bella. I’m glad she’s sending her off because I’m not sure if I can hold these emotions together any longer.
Bella gets up from the table and leaves the kitchen. Once she’s out of our view, Lucia looks at me and asks again if everything is okay. She tells me I look flushed, which is exactly how I feel. Like someone has drained every ounce of blood out of me. I take a sip of my beer. Lucia knows me well, so she doesn’t pressure me to talk; instead, she gets up to get herself a beer and sits back down.
Finally, after a few gulps, my mind relaxes. I look at Lucia and say, “I have something very important to tell you, and you must say nothing to anyone. Agreed?”
“Si,” she says in Spanish.
“Mother is HIV positive.” My head hangs low as I utter the words.
After about a minute of silence, I look up to find Lucia staring at me as her eyes fill with tears. She looks pale with a stiffened body, similar to my current emotions. I use my napkin to wipe her tears. She closes her eyes and says, “Me should know. With everybody sexing everybody, me should know. Maybe father have it too. Maybe Sam have it too but don’t know yet. Just nasty. Nasty mess, I tell ya.”
“I agree, but we can’t say anything until she says something to us. I don’t know all the details, but I know she’s in the dark because she hasn’t answered or returned any of Dr. Ivanovsky or Raven’s calls.”
“They both call today a couple times. They leave messages over there.” Lucia points to the message board next to the phone. “Mrs. Moore not home since early. Her not answer me call either to see what her like for dinner. Phone just ring and ring.”
I retrieve the messages from the board because I don’t want Sam’s nosey ass to see them before my mother does. There are two messages from Dr. Ivanovsky and one from Raven. I take all three messages back to the table. I dial my mother, but there’s no answer. As I’m hanging up, someone comes in the door. Lucia and I both dart to the foyer. It’s just Sam. Without acknowledging him, we both turn and make our way back to the kitchen in disappointment.
I stop in mid-stride and face him, “Have you seen my mother today?”
“Yes, she’s in the car. She said she’ll be in soon.” Sam walks up the stairs without saying another word. He seems to be distraught about something.
Lucia is back at the table, sitting. I stand next to her and say, “He says mother is sitting outside in the car. Do you think I should go check on her or do you think I should wait until she comes in?”
“Wait.”
“Okay. Clean your face and take the messages and sit them next to the phone. When she comes in, tell her she has messages.”
“Got it,” Lucia gets up from the table and follows the instructions.
By the time my mother finally comes in, Lucia and I are both sitting at the table. Five minutes of waiting seemed like an eternity. She goes straight to the wine closet and gets a bottle of white wine. She can’t reach the wine glass, so Lucia gets up, gets the stepladder, and retrieve them for her. After she sits the glasses on the counter, Lucia informs my mother of her messages. She picks them up and tosses them in her purse without looking over them. It’s too late for her to return the call to the doctor, so she has to wait until Monday morning to find out she’s sick.
As my mother fills her glass with wine, she looks at us and I ask, “How was your day? Lucia and I have been trying to contact you all day, but couldn’t get through.”
“Sam kept my phone with him when he dropped me off at the mall. I wanted to do a little shopping to clear my mind from the long and stressful work week. I’ll check my messages when I get upstairs. He never told me you guys called. Maybe he didn’t look at the phone either. You know him.” Lucia and I both look at each other and then at her like the fool she’s being right now.
It seems like Sam has radar ears because no soon as she could speak his name; he appears. “What’s up, ladies? What are you up to?”
“On nothing, honey.” My mother opens the bottle of wine, pours them both a glass, takes a sip, and then kisses Sam. To me, it’s like she has to numb herself with alcohol to deal with him, anyone, or anything.
“That’s what’s up. I just came down to see what’s taking you so long to bring that bottle of wine back up. You know we have to celebrate and then—,” he leans in and whispers something in her ear, and she melts right into it. He then smacks my mother’s perfectly round butt and turns to walk away.
When he’s clear of my view, I look at her inquisitively, “Celebration? What’s that about? What are we celebrating, Mother?” There’s emphasis on every word.
“Yes, you heard him. We are celebrating. We made the down payment for the building to our business today.” Her eyes light up.
“Oh! What happened to the things you were saying when we were in the car on the way from your attorney’s office?” I ask her as I try to figure out if this was all a part of her plan.
“He had upset me when I said those things. I don’t remember what it was I said.” She picks up the opened bottle of wine and wine glasses, goes to the closet to take another bottle, and leaves the kitchen.
“Gone off meds,” Lucia says to me once she no longer sees my mother’s back.
“She is…” I pause. “Wait! What meds are you talking about?”
“Her got the bipolar. Thought you know. Been on meds since father left. One day her this way, the next, her that way.” She throws her hands in the air, then proceeds, “Her say her tell you.”
“Oh wow! So that explains it. I thought she was just a bitch with a capital B.”
“Her that too!” We both laugh.
“You sure know how to lighten the mood. I guess we now have to take this situation one day at a time. Allow her to enjoy her celebration with a man she knows is using her and wait to see how her behavior changes when she calls the doctor on Monday. I still can’t believe she got that place for him. How can she trust someone like him?” I whisper to Lucia.
“Me don’t know, but her fool,” Lucia replies.
“As much as I hate to admit that, I agree.”
We finish our beers, say our goodnights, and go our separate ways. Today has been an interminable day and we both have made plans to sleep in tomorrow.