Sunday, December 10, 2006
12:26pm
Mother is HIV positive and I would like to know where she got it from. I don’t know if it’s Malik, my father, or Sam who transmitted it. Maybe they ALL have it, but who did it originate from? I’m not sure how her life will change. I’m not even sure if she will tell me. I don’t even know how I feel about all of this. The fact that she allowed her husband to have sex with her and another man at the same time is disgusting to me, but who am I to judge? If she tells me, I will be as positive as I always am. She’ll need my support more than anything. What I can’t do is criticize her the way she did me for my sexuality choice.’
I hope she gets the proper treatment so she can LIVE. That’s one thing about HIV that some people who are positive forget. They automatically think their life is over, when they have a choice on whether they live or die. And that choice is treatment. Although it may not take the disease away, it helps them understand, cope, and sustain it. It also prevents the disease from getting worse, so imagine what happens when an individual chooses not to get the treatment. I just pray my mother’s choice is the right one. If she doesn’t make the right choice, I don’t know what I’ll do. She can afford the treatment, so I hope she gets it. I wonder how she’ll react once she finds out. I wonder if she’ll say something to Sam. I hope she puts his ass out. Why must she be so gullible? I wonder why I’m not like that… or am I? Grandmother did the best she could to raise my mother properly. I’m not sure where she went wrong. My grandmother was a single mother with my mother being her only child. She had me at sixteen and immediately married my father. Could that be the reason we’re all so fucked up? Could that be the reason we don’t know how to love or be loved? Could it be because my mother never soared her royal oaths and only married because she was pregnant? I wonder if she ever loved my father, or if he ever loved her.
What is love? Is it just a four-letter word that people use without knowing and/or understanding the meaning of it? I feel Lucia loves me… I think. I wonder what it is she has to tell me. With everything that’s happened over the past two weeks, nothing will surprise me. I’m really becoming tired of it all; it seems to be draining me. I plan to get my place downtown and closer to my work as soon as possible. I want to prove to my mother that I’m independent, responsible, and I can hold my own grounds. Her disbelief in me is my motivation in life.
MM