I sit at the middle aisle of the front pew with Lucia, Bella, and Victor all to my left. My mother lies peacefully in her purple casket with white roses surrounding it. It’s sad to say, but she looks better in there than she did at my wedding. The doctor stated that the cause of death stemmed from her weakened immune system and combination of legal and illegal drugs. He told us that her immune system was as weak as an unformed fetus. Her heart stopped, and there was nothing they could do when she arrived at the hospital. I reach up and clench the diamond pendant around my neck as the doctor’s words replay in my head. Victor grabs my other hand and squeezes it. He kisses me on the cheek. His kiss produces a smirk. We didn’t take our honeymoon, but he promised to make it up to me whenever I’m ready. Lord only knows when that’ll be. What I know is that we deeply love my mother. They pack the church with her co-workers, Dr. Ivanovsky, Raven and her parents, my boss Felicia, some of my co-workers, customers, and hundreds of people from all over.
The service is over quick, and now it’s time to view the body. I’m not sure if I can do this. My body feels paralyzed from the waist down when I attempt to stand. The bags under my eyes hide behind my shades. I make another attempt to stand. No response. Victor grabs one arm and motions for Lucia to grab the other. My body moves, but not for long before the pew catches me. I just want this all to be over so I can crawl in my bed. Victor and Lucia sit with me—one on each side—as if they understand I don’t want to do this. Lucia puts her arm around me and lays her head on my shoulder. I place my head on her head and we sit until everyone has viewed my mother’s sleeping body.
The preacher says a closing prayer as they all stand to exit. Lucia and Victor, still one on each side, both take an arm to guide me out. We walk slowing down the aisle and I see my father in an orange prison jumpsuit with shackles on his hands and feet, standing between two officers and Malik on the other side of one officer. When I make it to his pew, I suddenly stop, causing a traffic jam behind me. He attempts to approach me, but the officers don’t allow.
We come face to face. “I’m so sorry, baby girl.”
I attack him with every ounce of energy that I have and spit at him. “You did this to her!” I raise my hand to hit him again, but Victor sweeps me off my feet and carries me out of the church. That doesn’t stop me from kicking, yelling, and screaming at my father. His voice follows me, apologizing over and over.
Agony overcomes me as I’m placed in the back seat. Lucia gets in and holds me. “Let all out, Serenity, let all out.”
“Why did they let him in there,” I cry harder.
“Me don’t know, baby. Him was still she husband.”
“I hate him! I hate him! It’s his fault she had that stupid disease, anyway.”
“Me know, baby, me know. Let all out.”
“Mom, is Aunt Serenity going to be okay?” I hear Bella ask.
With a straight face, I look at her and say, “I will be all right, sweetie. Come sit next to Auntie.” I wipe my tears. Bella comes to sit next to me as Lucia scoots over and gives her room. I put my arm around her and begin talking, “Allow no one to cause you to forget who you are on the inside. I know Sam tried to hurt you a while back, but don’t allow that to hinder you from living your life. He was… I mean is a dead beat that has no one and nothing. He’s a miserable, hurt person who tried to take his pain out on you. As long as you’re here with me, you’ll never have to worry about that again. You’re a beautiful person and you always remember that.”
“I know, Aunt Serenity. I don’t allow what that bastard did to me hinder me.” I look at her. “I forgave him that night because I know he’ll get his karma one day. Mama told me to use all the strength I have to move forward from that, and I did. Teaching other kids English language while in Cuba is what keeps me, what’s the word… occupied? Yes, occupied is what is has kept me.” She throws her arms around me, and then says, “I love you, Auntie. You’ll make it through this. I’m a teenager now and I can love you the same way you loved me when we lived in the house. I learned so much from you, I bet you didn’t even know it.” She lets go of her long embrace and lays her head in my lap, just as I used to do with her mother.
“You’re so smart,” I tell her as I stroke her hair.
“Don’t that look familiar?” Lucia asks with a grin.
“I learned from the best.”
The door opens and Victor climbs in. Lucia and Bella move to the other side of the limo as Victor scoots close to me and begins holding me. “You okay, Baby? I didn’t know he would be here.”
“It’s okay, Love. I’m a little better now. Maybe I just needed to let all of that out.” I wink at Bella and she smiles and tries to wink back.
It’s always obvious when Lucia is around, because the smell of food awakes me if I’m sleeping. I ease out of bed, put my robe on and go to the kitchen. She’s made my favorite and Bella is sitting at the table with her phone in hand, earbuds in, and an untouched plate of food in front of her.
“Afternoon, Serenity.” Lucia hugs me.
“What time is it?”
“Almost one.”
“How long have I been asleep?”
“Since after burial yesterday. You was tired, me knew.”
“Obviously. Either that or… never mind.”
“Hungry?”
“Not really, but I know I should eat something.”
“Victor says going to office. Call when you wake.”
“I will in just a second. How long has he been gone?”
“This morning.” Lucia giggles.
“What’s funny, Lucia?”
“Him love he some Serenity. Him hold you all night long. You not move.”
“How do you know?” I smirk.
“Me check on you overnight.”
I grin as she places a plate of fresh fruit, bacon, eggs, smothered potatoes, and a bagel in front of me. She thinks I’m smiling at the food when I’m really smiling at the thought of her checking on me throughout the night.
“You know we have to go to the lawyer’s office tomorrow morning?”
“Me know. Insurance company too.”
Truth sets in at that very moment. My mother is gone. As bad as I need to eat, my appetite hasn’t been right, but I force myself to eat something for the first time since my mother’s death.
“It’s okay, Aunt Serenity. You can cry some more if you need to.” Bella has finally taken her headphones off.
“You were so into your phone and had those headphones on, that I didn’t think you even noticed I was in the room.” I chew slowly and then force myself to swallow.
Bella reaches over and takes a strawberry from my plate and mocks my actions. “I always notice your presence, Aunt Serenity.”
“Your English is so good. You should try teaching your mother some.” I laugh and so does she. Lucia peers at the both of us with a raised brow.
“Mom will never understand the English rules. As long as we understand her Spanglish, she’ll be fine. Right, Mom?” Bella looks at Lucia for confirmation.
I eat a little more of my food and excuse myself from the table. In bed is where I end up with my robe and slippers still on. I remove my journal from the nightstand drawer, and I blow the dust from the lack of writing off. I pick up the nearby pen and begin expressing all the emotions and feelings that consume my body.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
1:39pm
Three years is a long time to go without writing my thoughts and feelings down. That’s probably because Victor has been sexing them out of me. I have had little time to even think about me and my fucked up emotions because work and my recent husband has taken up the majority. Yes, MY husband. He told me three years ago that I would be Mrs. White, and I took it as a joke. Let’s just say he didn’t win me over easily. After my mother and Lucia left, I felt alone. That’s what drew us closer. He seemed to be a great friend, or sex partner, and the more we had sex, the more I loved him. He’s an only child raised by a single mother and was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. Victor explained to me it’s the reason he works so hard for everything he has; his mother taught him to. She was a trust-fund baby and didn’t have to do much working, but she did. Said she wanted to teach him the value of a dollar and not give him everything he wanted hand and foot, but wanted him to know how to earn it. It all makes sense to me now.
I enjoy having my time while he’s at work, but I’ll be the one to admit, being alone is old. This is when I miss Lucia the most. It’s too bad I can’t say or feel the same way about my mother, and now that she’s gone, I miss her more now than ever before. Unable to take back all the negative things I said or felt about my mother, no matter how much I wish I could, hurts me deep. If only I’d appreciated her a little more and understood her a little more, my grieving wouldn’t be so bad. She had her fucked up issues and situations, but it’s clear that she desired unconditional love. She sought and found them in all the wrong places. Kind of like I do. I sometimes wonder if I had known about her drug use and the severity of her illness, if I would’ve done things differently. Like, treated her differently or reached out to her when Malik told me where she was. Could it have been me who saved her? Our relationship was financial and materialistic, and as much as I tried to love her, she wouldn’t allow me in. That didn’t stop me from trying, though. Could I have tried harder? It all makes me wonder about the foundation of love. How can I love someone, especially her, when I know nothing about love BECAUSE of HER? Losing her is bittersweet. Bitter because she’s my mother and I miss her, as crazy as she was. Sweet because she’ll no longer be able to harm her body the way she did…
“Baby?” Victor creeps in the door.
“Yes, dear.” I close my journal and place it back in the drawer.
“I have something for you.” He comes and sits on my side of the bed.
“I’m not in the mood for sex, sweetheart.”
“As bad as I want to make love to you, that’s not what it is.” He pulls a box from his inside blazer pocket. “My original plan was to give you this on our honeymoon.” He gives me the square Tiffany & Co. box. I untie the ribbon and open it slowly. The diamond bangle bracelet is beautiful. “Look inside,” he points. It’s engraved “4-9-07 Three Years Later… Mrs. White.” My mind flashes back to the day he told me he would remind me of that day, and I smile at his thoughtfulness, and his ego.
The bracelet looks good on my wrist as he slides it on and kisses my lips. A gift like this makes me want to give him a little cookie; maybe that’ll numb the emotions I’m going through right now. “Is this your way of telling me you told me so?”
“And you know it.” He smiles.
“This may earn you a little.” I straddle his lap and kiss his lips again.
“Who are you trying to convince? Me or you?” He laughs at his own sarcasm.
“You.”
“You don’t have to convince me, baby.”
“Well then myself.” One thing leads to another. When he enters me, all of my emotions become insensate for the moment.