Monday, March 31, 2012
10:02am
Cuba. Who would have known I would live a wonderful life in Cuba with the people I love the most. I’m finally learning what love is with the help of Lucia, Bella, Savannah, and my beautiful Carmen. Skylar and Casey have the relationship I one day wish to have, which comprises a beautiful home, a baby on the way, and unconditional love. The way they admire each other softens my heart and puts a smile on my face. Carmen looks at me the same way, but I know that it’s something that’s not reciprocated by me. I’m working on that. With all the things I’ve experienced in my life, I never really understood what true, unconditional love was. Now that I’m surrounded by it, adjustments are being made. It takes time, though. Going back to Victor or Miami is not an option for me as of right now. Looking back and evaluating my past relationships, I question the love. Even the relationship with my mother and father. There are times I wish I had stayed in Chicago with Carmen, but if I’d done that, I wouldn’t have learned the things I’ve learned over the years, nor would I have met Savannah. She’s more than just my assistant. We’ve grown to be sisters.
I once heard my grandmother tell someone that God makes no mistakes. Never regret the things you do in life because God brought you to it for a reason. Never question your trials and tribulations because God allows them to happen so they can strengthen you for something else. Look at them as preparation, or a setup for a comeback. I fell so hard for Carmen before I left, that it caused me to flunk out of school. Had I not met her and fell for her so hard, I would still be in Chicago forcing myself not only to go to school, but to make good grades and major in something I couldn’t care less about. I’ve found out that when you force yourself to do something, it makes you unhappy and you’ll always get a negative outcome from it. Is this happiness? It feels like happiness, and it feels good.
MM
I hug my journal close to my chest and smile at the decision I’ve made.
It’s been almost four weeks and I haven’t been able to shake this nasty virus, so Carmen made me a doctor’s appointment to see what’s going on. I pick up the written directions that she left on the dresser on my way out the door. Lucia has made breakfast, but I’m unable to eat. Instead, I get a bottle of water from the refrigerator and tell her I’ll return shortly.
“Savannah not drive you?”
“No. Not today. She’s handling some other business for me. I’ll be all right.” I kiss her cheek and go out the door. When I approach the car and reach for the handle, I notice my reflection in the window. I look horrible.
Dizziness and sickness come over me the more I drive. My mouth waters, so I let the window down and spit. My vision is getting blurred, so I take the next exit. I feel faint.
“Mrs. White is very blessed to be alive. She has a fractured ankle, and the inflation of the airbag left her with two black eyes. She should be out of here in no time. We just need to run a few tests and make sure the baby is okay.” The voice stops.
“How far along is she, doctor?” It’s Carmen.
“She’s six weeks.”
I open my eyes to lie in a hospital bed with a cast from my toes to my knee. Carmen rushes to my side. I look at her in confusion. “What’s going on?” It hurts to talk.
“You were in a car accident and you’re in the hospital.” She kisses my forehead.
The doctor stands on the other side. “Mrs. White, I’m Dr. Shaw. You fell asleep behind the wheel and were in a car accident. Someone must really watch over you. You have a few minor cuts and bruises and a fractured ankle. And so far, the baby is fine. We just want to run a few more tests. You won’t have to stay here long,” the doctor relays the same message to me as he did with Carmen.
“Baby? What baby?”
“Well, according to your test results, you’re with child. Were you not aware?”
I cry as pain takes over my body. The doctor continues speaking, but I hear nothing he’s saying. Carmen is holding my hand as tiredness falls upon me. “Why do I feel so drowsy?” I close my eyes to go back to sleep, hoping to wake up on the other side of what I want so badly to be a dream.
“That’s just a side effect of the medicine we gave you to ease the pain. Now, as I was saying…” My eyes close while he continues and before I know it, I’m in dream land.
When I wake up, Carmen and the doctor are both gone. Still in this hospital bed with both of my legs hanging on slings, it then dawns on me I was not dreaming. I am pregnant and I have been in an accident. I look around the room and push the button beside me for the nurse. A second later, someone comes through the door. That was fast.
I can’t believe my eyes, so I blink twice. It’s not the nurse, it’s not the doctor, and it’s not Carmen. It’s my husband, Victor White.
“You’re pregnant. Is that why you left without a trace?” He comes closer to the foot of the bed. I don’t know if I should lie or tell the truth right now.
“Yes Sir. I’ll make sure she gets plenty of rest for the next few months.” The doctor and Carmen walk in side-by-side. She is astounded when she sees Victor, and he is just when he sees her. “Mr. White.” Carmen comes to my bedside.
“Hazel?” He clarifies shockingly.
“It’s Carmen.” She corrects and extends her hand.
“What are you doing here?”
Carmen and I both look at each other and I become sick at the thought of telling him the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but. “There are some things I need to tell you, Victor.”
“Why did you leave me? What did I do so wrong that you had to leave the way you did? I thought something happened to you. That hurt me. Was I that bad of a husband?” I see the pain in his eyes.
What have I done? Why did I run from him? What am I supposed to say? What do I answer first? Was I forcing myself to be with him? “Please forgive me, Victor. We need to talk. I didn’t know what else to do.” I look at Carmen, knowing she understands what I’m going through right now. “Would you mind leaving us alone for a few minutes?” I whisper to her.
“You sure now is the time to do this? Considering what you’ve just gone through. You need not cause any more stress on your body.” she whispers back.
“It’s now or never. He’s here. I can’t run now.” Carmen leaves quietly as I watch her exit, then turn my attention towards Victor. “How did you find me?” He’s now standing by the window, looking into the sky as the sun sets.
“When you love someone with all your soul, you go through any measures to find them. It’s like losing the key to your heart.” He turns and pulls the only chair in the room up next to me and grabs my hand. “Look, I know I wasn’t the best husband, and that I neglected you in so many ways. I apologize for that. I didn’t realize how selfish I had been all along until I lost you. When I lost you, I lost me. I lost my desire to live, but I knew in my gut that you were still alive. I hoped you were still alive. And sometimes, that’s all you need.” Victory kisses the back of my hand. “I can do better. I can be better. I promise. Tell me what it is I need to do. Whatever it is, I’m willing.” I never thought I would see the day Victor White begs. “I don’t care about your past. All I care about is you. And our baby. What about the baby? How will you raise a baby alone? I can’t let you do that. That would make me feel less of a man.”
“I’m not who you think I am.” I close my eyes to catch the tears, but it’s too late. “There are a lot of things you think you know that are not true.” I reopen my eyes to see him looking sad and lost. He’s still holding my hand. Here it goes, Melody. You can do it. I convince myself before I speak. “My name is not Serenity. I am in love with a woman. That woman is Carmen, but you know her as Hazel.” He releases my hand. “She was my love in college, but when I came home for Thanksgiving break, my mother found out about her and changed my identity. She threatened me to never see her again, or else she would disown me.”
Victor stands and walks back to the window. He sits on the window seal and lowers his head. “So what was it we had. Was I just something to do for all these years? Do you love me? Did you ever love me?” He looks at me, alerting me to respond.
“What we have is a marriage. Love. I’m not sure if there was love in the beginning, or if it was lust. But what I know is that I love you now. I can’t say if it’s true love, or if I’m in love with you, because I don’t even know if I truly love myself.”
“But you love her enough to leave me cold sitting in our favorite restaurant. You love her enough to leave with no intentions on contacting me ever again.” Victor paces from the foot of the bed, back to the window. Carmen enters the room. He looks at her in disgust. “So all of this was a plan? All of this was a setup just to get back to her?” He points at me. “You never wanted to sign with my company, did you?” He waits for an answer, but Carmen doesn’t respond. He redirects his attention to me. “How could you? Why did you? And for these years. Why did you marry me?”
“I married you because I thought I loved you. I love you.” Carmen shoots me a look of disapproval. “I love you too. I love you both, but in distinct ways. What I view to be love, anyway.” My tears are streaming effortlessly. Carmen comes to my side and grabs my hand. I look at Victor. He looks away. Are those tears in his eyes? I shake my thought and look at Carmen. Tears fill her eyes.
She speaks, “Do what makes you happy. What makes you happy? Who makes you happy?”
Her questions linger as I ponder on them. I don’t even know what happiness is. What is happiness? What makes me happy? “I’m not sure what makes me happy.” I finally admit in confusion.
“Is this what pain feels like? I’m hurt.” Victor speaks up. Now I feel guilty. I look at Carmen. I feel even more guilty.
“What will we do?” Carmen says. Did she say we?
“I need time.” I say to her, not knowing how true it is.
“I will support you in every and anything you do Melody. I’ve always loved you and always will. Even though you were physically absent in my life for all those years, your spirit has always remained right here.” She pats her heart.
Who do I love? Who makes me happy? Is it sex that makes me happy? Who loves me more? Is it love that I will choose, or will it be lust? Who represents what? “I need time.”
“I need answers.” Victor says.
Saved by the doctor. “Mrs. White, we will keep you under observation for two days before we discharge you,” he informs me.