I haven’t been in the house for five minutes when Lucia and Savannah attack me with hugs and almost makes me fall out of the wheelchair.
“Me worry sick bout you.” Lucia tells me while still holding on tight. “Gone few days only, but seem like forever.”
“Victor found me. He’s here in Cuba,” I inform them both.
“Me know already.”
“Yes, we are aware,” Savannah says.
“But how?” I ask.
“Me know everyting,” Lucia reminds me.
“What will you do?” It’s Savannah.
“I will decide soon. I told them both that I need time. I need time to figure this out.”
“Shouldn’t you be going to lie down? Is it not what the doctor ordered?” Carmen comes in with my things.
“Follow doctor’s orders. Me come take you tea shortly.”
Carmen places my things on the floor and pushes me to the bedroom. I ask her to push me to the balcony. She does and then says, “I’ll come back to check on you later.”
“Thank you.” She bends down and gently kiss me on the lips.
“No, thank you,” she softly responds.
She leaves and I turn to face the ocean. The beautiful breeze blows my hair in my face as my mind escapes reality. I have to make a choice. Victor said he wouldn’t leave until he got answers from me. Is this his way of finally showing his love? Why did it take me leaving for him to realize how much he loves me? Carmen came looking for me. She never gave up on me, while Victor had me and neglected me mostly in every way except for sexually. Is it possible to have them both? I can love one, and lust the other. But how, when after all these years, I still don’t know what love is. Is love staring me in the face, but I’m too blind to see it?
“Melly Baby always tinking.” Lucia interrupts my thoughts.
She sits on the bench next to me. “I’ve really gotten myself in some mess now, Lucia.”
“Where the Mister now?”
“He got a hotel not too far from here.”
“Oh. Me see. Me see.” She pauses and takes my hands. “Melly, tis not no mess. Tis life, baby. You have choice. You chose wise. Do what make Melly Baby happy. Not else nobody. You be happy in here.” She places her hand over my heart. “Him must really love you. Him came find you. Both they love you. I always say take time for Melly Baby when not know. Now, you not know. Me be here for you always. You said always that you not know what love is. Now be time to figure out it. Has start from within.” Lucia embraces me with a hug. “Me go made dinner now.”
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
3:32 am
These past couple of days have been the most challenging of my life. I have always questioned love and its meaning. Carmen and Victor both have confessed their dying love for me, but I find it harder than I initially let on to walk away from my marriage. I think I love Victor. I think I love Carmen. I know I lust after them both, though. I really wish I knew what love really is. Maybe I need to visit my father and address some underlying issues that have played a role in the development of my well-being. Lucia said I need to take time for myself. Maybe she’s right. Maybe I need to find myself. Maybe that’ll give me some direction then. How will they take that? Will they be willing to wait?
“Are you ready to lie down yet.” Carmen asks as she stands in the patio doorway with her arms folded and as if she’s been standing there watching me for a while.
I close my journal. “Yes. I am.”
Carmen comes to me, unlocks the breaks on the wheelchair and says, “We will have to get you on those crutches here soon. So you can get the hang of it.” When she gets me to the bed, she picks me up, sits me on the edge of the bed, and undresses me from head to toe, being careful with my leg that has the cast on it. “Lie down,” she requests, and I do so. Her attentive gentleness is turning me on. Turning me on in ways and places I didn’t know a person could get turned on in. My toes are tingling. My fingers are numb. My nipples are solid as a rock, and my heart is skipping beats like I’m having a heart attack.
“Lay with me.” I beg.
“Lay with you? I can’t do that. You have a decision to make, and me laying with you will lead to other things. Those other things will only fulfill your emotions for the time being, and I don’t want you to base your ultimate answer off temporary emotions.” She kisses my forehead. “You’re vulnerable right now. Take some time to figure out what is happening around you. Allow it to process. Take more time. Love is a powerful thing, and I don’t want you to miss out on something so precious because you don’t know what it is. You have a beautiful baby inside of you. Understand love because you don’t want this to be a repeated cycle with your child. You don’t want your child to be like your mother, or your father. You don’t want to be like either of them yourself. Take the time you need. I plan to be right here until you figure it out. I love you enough to let you go because I know that if you come back to me, then it is meant to be. In order for you to grow, I have to give you the time you need.” She kisses my forehead again, and her soft, full lips send chills right to my cookie. My hormones take over.
“Please make love to me. I choose you. You make me happy. You give me a sense of freedom. I’ll tell Victor tomorrow that he can leave because I choose you, and that we can raise the baby together.” I pull her closer to me causing her upper body to fall on mines.
Instead of her saying anything, she kisses me passionately, and it’s on. She sits me up, raises my shirt over my head, lays me back down, climbs on top, and plants soft kisses on my neck. She moves down to my collarbone and then to my right nipple. She licks in soft circular motions. This feeling brings back so many memories. She then moves to my left nipple and does the same thing while caressing my clit. My body hasn’t reacted to sex like this since the last time she and I had sex. She weakens my body by the second. She is capturing me with her spell. That same spell I fell under and caused me to flunk out of college.
She brings me back to reality when her finger enters my mouth; the same finger she had on my button. I’m frozen. She lets out a slight giggle. She places her finger back on my button and massages it as if she’s a professional masseuse. My eyes are closed, and I’m lost in the feeling of being high. I don’t smoke, but it feels like I’ve smoked a pound of weed; however that feels. I’m so lost; I don’t realize she’s moved her finger and stopped licking and sucking my nipples. Now she’s making soft circular motions on my clit with her tongue and my hips move to her motion.
“Yes, baby. Please don’t stop,” I softly moan. “Oh Victor. I love you so much. Please don’t stop.” My body is two seconds away from erupting like a volcano when she stops.
Carmen looks at me with so much pain in her eyes, I immediately break down. “I will give you time to decide. You calling out his name, only confirms that your mind, body, and heart are all still with him. I got this place for you, so I will find me somewhere else to go. I’m always here if you need me, but I cannot allow myself to get hurt, when I have the option to choose what route to take.” Carmen kisses my forehead and leaves.
I don’t go after her. Instead, I make my last decision while laying alone. I reach for my cell phone and send both Carmen and Victor the same text message: I choose ME. If either of you love me how you say you do, you would not only understand my decision, but accept it. In order for me to love either of you wholeheartedly and unconditionally, I have to love myself wholeheartedly and unconditionally. I do not want to bring a child in this world and not know how to love it. I have to take time for myself before the child enters this earth and learn to love me. Mel.