How to make your time together count and make lasting connections.
I remember when the movie Mission: Impossible first launched, with women of all ages cooing over star Tom Cruise. Little did the younger generation coeds know that Mission: Impossible was a TV series that was around in the 1960s and early ’70s, wowing a wide audience with an elite covert unit carrying out highly sensitive missions that seemed impossible. Yet somehow those missions were pulled off with a detailed plan that worked. Because the team members trusted the dedicated, skilled leader, when he called the shots, they fell into line.
My wife now has me watching the Food Network and a program called Restaurant: Impossible. The host of the show, Robert Irvine, arrives at a restaurant that’s failing. He not only redecorates it but also majorly changes the way the staff does business—everything from the way they prepare food to the way they interact. It’s amazing how, in a short period of time, he can turn around a restaurant that’s very dysfunctional (often it’s a family business and the family members aren’t getting along) and make it a success.
You have a great mission to undertake, and it might feel like Mission: Impossible or Restaurant: Impossible right now. But let me assure you, it’s Mission: Possible. Your mission? To train up your kids in the way they should go so they become accountable, responsible, and able to function well long after you’ve left this earth. If they trust you as their leader, and you set positive expectations for them that are reasonable and within reach, you’re going to laugh together, learn about life together, and enjoy the journey. Your role is to be that steadying force in moving your family toward the goal of becoming a happier family by Friday.
Your mission members are learning about life from you. They’re taking their cues from you—what you say and how you act. What are you teaching them?
Is Your Idiot Light Flashing?
Cars are smart these days. Every 3,000 to 5,000 miles they’ll flash a light telling you that you need to change your oil. It’s called an “idiot light.” You can’t miss the flashing (unless you’re really an idiot).
I’m speaking for myself here. I’m an idiot. Sometimes I need to be reminded of what’s important in life. How about you?
When I was teaching at the University of Arizona, I used to drive by a cash-and-carry flower place, and my idiot light would flash. Sande and I didn’t have many nickels to rub together at that point, but the floral shop offered a great deal—$9.99 for sweetheart roses. It appealed to my economical nature, and I knew how important the gesture would be to my wife. Did I wait for a special Hallmark occasion? No, I’d drive by the place and smile, and the idiot light would jog my memory. I’d park, walk in, and buy pretty pink sweetheart roses. To this day, I still love them because they’re a reminder of how thankful I am for my bride.
The other day I was in the supermarket and saw a lovely bouquet. I bought the flowers, chopped the bottoms off, and had them in a vase for her when she returned from her shopping.
What about you? Is your idiot light flashing right now on behalf of your family? Then it’s time to stop the family car and do a checkup to see what’s working and what’s not.
When was the last time you had dinner alone with your spouse? When was the last time you said, “Honey, could I give you a foot rub?” When was the last time you brought home a flower for your bride?
When was the last time you took each of your kids out for some alone time with you and focused on an activity your child liked? When was the last time you caught your child doing something positive and encouraged him? When was the last time you thanked your mom or dad for spending time with your children?
It’s the simple things that enrich a relationship and convey to another person, I care about you. I value your companionship. You as a person are special and unique. You are a valued member of this family.
I have always told my kids that if they ever wondered what to do in a situation, they should remember, You’re a Leman. What was I telling them? Hey, you belong to this family. You know who you are. You know our values. So stand up for yourself and don’t let anybody mess with you. Knowing that they belong to our family and that we share values has kept my kids out of trouble more times than I probably want to know.
We also worked really hard to incorporate some very special people into our immediate family’s fun and activities—our kids’ grandparents. Three of our kids—Holly, Krissy, and Kevin II—were able to have close relationships with all four grandparents before they passed on to heaven.
When our first three kids were young, I’d come home from work and take a whiff, and I could immediately tell what kind of day it had been for my wife. If there was an aroma coming from the oven, I’d know it was a pretty good day. If not, I knew we’d go to a little cafeteria nearby for dinner. When we went to the cafeteria, we’d call up my mom and dad, who lived a few miles away, and ask if they wanted to come with us. My folks were the kind of people who never had two nickels to rub together. In fact, when my dad said he thought he’d never see the ocean, we took them to Laguna Beach. They were simple people, but there was a richness in their relationship with their grandkids. My parents always said that they felt like their grandkids were their kids all over again.
Grandma Leman was the only surviving grandparent when our fourth child, Hannah, was born. Hannah was 8 and Lauren was 3 when my mother died, and oh, how they loved their grandma, who passed on her legacy of unconditional love and support to each of our kids.
A Legacy You Won’t Want to Miss
Grandparents can be a treasure trove of information. If your kids have good, active communication with their grandparents, whether they live near or far, you’re blessed. And if their grandparents live close and see their grandkids often, you’re doubly blessed. You and your parents or in-laws can be each other’s greatest advocates, providing relief, time-out perspective, and an enhanced family experience. All it takes is some strategizing about how to successfully incorporate them into your immediate family unit so it’s a win-win situation for all.
Grandparents who are balanced, healthy adults are a very important part of that family unit for grandkids. You and your children can greatly benefit through their presence, their wisdom, and their love. And for grandparents like me? There’s nothing more wonderful than a hug from my grandkids and time with them to make me smile.
How can you encourage interaction and incorporate grandparents more fully into your daily life?
Remember That You Are in the Driver’s Seat
You’re the one who sets up your kids’ schedules and your own schedule. If the grandparents are retired or winding down their careers, they likely have more time on their hands than you do but may hesitate to “bother” you in the midst of your busy life. So take a good look at your schedule. Where might you incorporate a regular chunk of time each week that belongs to you, your kids, and their grandparents?
The Mitchell family has five children and is lucky to have four grandparents living within 20 miles of them. The entire family gathers every Sunday for a potluck at one of the houses—including grandparents from both sides. The families each contribute a couple of dishes, and everyone gathers around a mishmash of tables set in a big round wherever space allows. During lunch, the grandparents switch off telling stories about their childhood. After lunch, individual grandparents take turns doing a special activity with one of the grandkids. After three years of this special Sunday tradition, even the now-teenagers say no to activities with friends to spend time with Grandma and Grandpa.
Brainstorm Creative Ways for Grandparents to Share in What the Kids Are Passionate About
If the grandparents are local, invite them to concerts, games, and other events where they are plunged into your children’s world. Invite them to Grandparents’ Day at school. Find ways to connect the interests of your parents or in-laws and your children.
For example, Caitlyn, 9, loved music and played the flute beautifully, but she struggled with note reading. Her grandpa, who was also very musical, played the piano beautifully. Whenever Caitlyn needed help with a new song, her mom drove her the half hour to her grandpa’s for a couple of hours. While he and Caitlyn worked on the music, her mom made dinner for all three of them. Not only did Caitlyn nail the new piece, but some of Grandpa’s lonely hours since the passing of his wife were filled with joy, music, and companionship.
The Waite family moved last year from New Hampshire to Montana, and the grandma and grandpa live back in New Hampshire. Grandma Agnes and her granddaughter, Ellen, used to watch the Food Channel together all the time and would try out the recipes on Saturday mornings. Now, nearly a continent apart, they still do the same thing; it just looks a little different. They text each other whenever they’re watching a food program, and the other flips it on to watch. Then, on Saturday morning, Ellen sets up her laptop in the kitchen and Skypes her grandma as she tries out a new recipe. Grandma Agnes provides plenty of encouraging input along the way.
When Grandma and Grandpa visited a month ago, they brought Ellen a special gift—a recipe box made by Grandpa Brach, filled with Grandma’s favorite recipes. For their next visit, Ellen and Grandma are going to do a 30-day cooking challenge, where they’ll make 30 days’ worth of meals to stock in the freezer in a single day.
While the girls bake together on Saturday mornings, Grandpa Brach and 13-year-old Aaron play Words with Friends—a Scrabble game—on their smartphones. Last week, when Grandpa laid a q on a triple-letter square and had a word worth 76 points, Aaron was so impressed he texted his junior high buddies with the news. Saturday morning with Grandpa is Aaron’s favorite time of the week.
Make Your Time Together Count
Whether the grandparents live far or near, make the time that you do have together count. Plan ahead. Suggest activities you know that your parents and your kids might like to do together. Don’t make the grandparents guess, and don’t fall into the boring standard of simply watching television or movies with them. If you do watch a movie, make it a family-friendly one that will provoke discussion and laughter and become a shared memory or tradition—like the Gruder family, who has tacos every Christmas Eve and watches the 1983 comedy A Christmas Story. When it gets to the part where Santa Claus tells the young boy that he shouldn’t have a gun because “you’ll shoot your eye out,” the entire family yells the line.
Always Express Appreciation for Time Spent and Help Given
You can’t do everything, and it’s important for parents to have a relief squad who can provide time-outs and a little sanity.
Miriam was the kind of woman who was used to doing everything for herself. But when she was six months pregnant with twins and exhausted, she asked her mother-in-law, Theresa, who was a fabulous cook, “Would you be willing to make a couple of meals for us that I could put in the freezer and pull out when I’m too tired to make dinner? You know that Rob loves your cooking.” Theresa was thrilled to be asked and more than happy to oblige. In fact, more than two meals made their way into Miriam’s freezer. It also opened the door for Theresa to feel comfortable making other meals for Miriam and Rob when the twins were little, without feeling like she was stepping on Miriam’s toes.
When the twins were two months old, Theresa received a bouquet of daisies with a note:
You are a breath of fresh air to a tired young mom. Thanks from the depths of my heart for ALL you’ve done for us. I will never forget it.
Love, Miriam
You see, it’s the little things that count—the things that make people feel appreciated and remembered. So call on grandparents for help when you need them, but never take them for granted. Don’t forget to insert the thank-yous—the little daisy bouquets of life. After all, grandparents are people too. They have their own lives, interests, and responsibilities. You don’t want to wear them out. You need their presence for a long time.
Let’s face it. You get to be my age, and you’re reminded daily that time rushes on at lightning speed. In fact, there are days I even feel a bit like Tom Cruise, who seems to free-fall or run down skyscrapers in his Mission: Impossible movies. Life can be a blur. But the most important thing of all is to focus on the mission—to have a happy family by Friday.
What does that mean, and how can you accomplish the mission?
It means taking time to be with each other, even if it’s only one family night a week when cell phones are stuck in a drawer so no one else can intrude.
It means family dinners where every person’s opinion matters, is heard, and is encouraged, whether all family members agree or not. It means truly communicating thoughts, feelings, and desires in a safe environment of unconditional acceptance.
It means creating opportunities to provide teachable moments. It means listening to your child’s music—even if it’s music you’d never choose to listen to. It means watching and discussing movies together. It means keeping an ear on the comments your kids make and saying, “I noticed that. Tell me more about it.” It means engaging in their world so you can become their safe place to return to. It means getting behind another’s eyes to see how they view life.
It means having fun together. Hilarious, rollicking fun. The kind of fun you’ll talk about in 20 years with your kids and grandkids. Because the family that plays together is the family that stays together and enjoys the ride along the way.
That’s why, in the Leman family, we focus on being together and having fun. We just finished a blissful week at our summer cottage in western New York. I’m humbled by the fact that all five of our adult kids want to be together. In fact, they go to great lengths to organize their schedules and also to set aside the money to fly from Arizona or California to New York so we can enjoy family time.
In the past week, we laughed so much we nearly fell out of the boat and into the water.
We sang our hearts out in the local pizza joint as we waited for the waitress. When she came over and asked what we’d like to drink, all 11 of us blurted out what we wanted at the same time. “Okay, gang, give it to her again,” I said, and we did the same thing. The waitress couldn’t help laughing her tail off too. I even noticed a little more spring in her step when she left us and served other customers.
We marched in a loud parade around the entire inside of our house—down the stairs and up the landing—singing Disney’s “Main Street Electrical Parade” music. We wore crazy hats or pans on our heads or banged a spoon on a pan to celebrate one of our birthdays. To the outside world we might look completely crazy. But we Lemans know it’s the traditions, the little things that count, that make our time together special and memorable.
Is life tough sometimes? Yes, it is. But life doesn’t have to be so serious that you fail to have fun as a family. So if you’re not having fun, it’s time to manufacture some.
You’ve only got a small window to make a difference in your family’s life. Now is the time.
Have a happy family by Friday?
It’s Mission: Possible.
Family Check-In
- Reflect on your favorite family memories. Why were those times in particular so important and memorable to you?
- What simple things could you do this week to make family members feel appreciated and remembered?
- How might you build a stronger connection between your kids and their grandparents? Brainstorm some ideas. Why not try one out this week?
- In what specific ways do you make your time together as a family count?
- If you could incorporate one family tradition into your lives, what would it be, and why?