A CHASTE MAID IN CHEAPSIDE

Enter both the TOUCHWOODS

TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
I had been taken brother by eight sergeants,
But for the honest watermen; I am bound to them,
They are the most requiteful’st people living,
For as they get their means by gentlemen,
They are still the forwardest to help gentlemen.	5
You heard how one ’scaped out of the Blackfriars,
But a while since from two or three varlets
Came into the house with all their rapiers drawn,
As if they’d dance the sword dance on the stage,
With candles in their hands like chandlers’ ghosts,	10
Whilst the poor gentleman so pursued and bandied
Was by an honest pair of oars safely landed.
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
I love them with my heart for’t.

1 WATERMAN
Your first man sir.
2 WATERMAN
Shall I carry you gentlemen with a pair or oars?	15
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
These be the honest fellows;
Take one pair, and leave the rest for her.
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
Barn Elms.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
No more brother. [Exit]
1 WATERMAN
Your first man.	20
2 WATERMAN
Shall I carry your worship?
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
Go, and you honest watermen that stay,
Here’s a French crown for you;
There comes a maid with all speed to take water,
Row her lustily to Barn Elms after me.	25
2 WATERMAN
To Barn Elms, good sir: make ready the boat Sam,
We’ll wait below.
Ex[eunt WATERMEN]

Enter MOLL

TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
What made you stay so long?
MOLL
I found the way more dangerous than I looked for.
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
Away quick, there’s a boat waits for you,	30
And I’ll take water at Paul’s wharf, and overtake you.
MOLL
Good sir do, we cannot be too safe.
[Exeunt]

SIR WALTER
Life, call you this close keeping?
YELLOWHAMMER
She was kept under a double lock.
SIR WALTER
A double devil.	35
TIM
That’s a buff sergeant, tutor, he’ll ne’er wear out.
YELLOWHAMMER
How would you have women locked?
TIM
With padlocks father, the Venetian uses it,
My tutor reads it.
SIR WALTER
Heart, if she were so locked up, how got she out?	40
YELLOWHAMMER
There was a little hole looked into the gutter,
But who would have dreamt of that?
SIR WALTER
A wiser man would.
TIM
He says true, father, a wise man for love will seek every
hole: my tutor knows it.	45
TUTOR
Verum poeta dicit.
TIM
Dicit Virgilius, father.
YELLOWHAMMER
Prithee talk of thy gills somewhere else, she’s played the gill
with me: where’s your wise mother now?
TIM
Run mad I think, I thought she would have drowned herself;	50
she would not stay for oars, but took a smelt boat: sure
I think she be gone a-fishing for her.
YELLOWHAMMER
She’ll catch a goodly dish of gudgeons now,
Will serve us all to supper.

Enter MAUDLINE drawing MOLL by the hair, and WATERMEN

Ex[eunt WATERMEN]

MOLL
O my heart dies!
MAUDLINE
I’ll make thee an example for all the neighbours’ daughters.	60
MOLL
Farewell life.
MAUDLINE
You that have tricks can counterfeit.
YELLOWHAMMER
Hold, hold Maudline!
MAUDLINE
I have brought your jewel by the hair.
YELLOWHAMMER
She’s here knight.	65
SIR WALTER
Forbear or I’ll grow worse.
TIM
Look on her, tutor, she hath brought her from the water
like a mermaid; she’s but half my sister now, as far as the
flesh goes, the rest may be sold to fishwives.
MAUDLINE
Dissembling cunning baggage!	70
YELLOWHAMMER
Impudent strumpet!
SIR WALTER
Either give over both, or I’ll give over:
Why have you used me thus unkind mistress?
Wherein have I deserved?
YELLOWHAMMER
You talk too fondly sir. We’ll take another course and prevent	75
all; we might have done’t long since; we’ll lose no time
now, nor trust to’t any longer: tomorrow morn as early as
sunrise we’ll have you joined.
MOLL
O bring me death tonight, love pitying fates,
Let me not see tomorrow up upon the world.	80
YELLOWHAMMER
Are you content sir, till then she shall be watched?
MAUDLINE
Baggage you shall.

Exit [with MOLL and YELLOWHAMMER]

TIM
Why father, my tutor and I will both watch in armour.
TUTOR
How shall we do for weapons?
TIM
Take you no care for that, if need be I can send for conquering	85
metal tutor, ne’er lost day yet; ’tis but at
Westminster – I am acquainted with him that keeps the
monuments; I can borrow Harry the Fifth’s sword, ’twill
serve us both to watch with.
Exit [with TUTOR]
SIR WALTER
I never was so near my wish, as this chance	90
Makes me; ere tomorrow noon,
I shall receive two thousand pound in gold,
And a sweet maidenhead
Worth forty.

Enter TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR with a WATERMAN

TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
O thy news splits me.	95
WATERMAN
Half drowned, she cruelly tugged her by the hair,
Forced her disgracefully, not like a mother.
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
Enough, leave me like my joys.
Exit WATERMAN
Sir, saw you not a wretched maid pass this way?
Heart villain, is it thou?
Both draw and fight
SIR WALTER Yes slave, ’tis I.	100
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
I must break through thee then, there is no stop
That checks my tongue and all my hopeful fortunes,
That breast excepted, and I must have way.
SIR WALTER
Sir, I believe ’twill hold your life in play.
[Wounds TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR]
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
Sir, you’ll gain the heart in my breast at first?	105
SIR WALTER
There is no dealing then? Think on the dowry for two
thousand pounds.
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR [Wounds SIR WALTER]
O now ’tis quit sir.
SIR WALTER
Being of even hand, I’ll play no longer.
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
No longer, slave?	110
SIR WALTER
I have certain things to think on,
Before I dare go further.
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
But one bout?
I’ll follow thee to death, but ha’t out.
Ex[eunt]