Al is one of the school’s biggest drinkers, but he’s sitting at the kitchen table tonight with a two-liter bottle of Pepsi in front of him. The other guys at the table are mostly football players, and they’re sucking down beers like we would do if it wasn’t wrestling season.
Parties like this one are tense if you’re not drinking. I can’t talk to girls much unless I get my tongue loosened first. Kim is here, the one from geometry, but she’s in a corner with some other girls, laughing and drinking wine coolers.
We got here twenty minutes ago, and Al has said something about his not drinking at least four times. Then he confides in whoever’s closest that there’s a pint of vodka mixed in with the Pepsi, and we’re all just so stunned we can hardly stand it.
Digit’s got a new pair of pants on and he’s wearing shoes, which is unusual for him (leather shoes, I mean, like for church or something—he almost always wears sneakers). He’s decided to be mature all of a sudden; got his hair cut short and acts polite. He’s sitting next to me on a kitchen counter, chewing gum.
There’s not a whole lot of room in this house (this is where one of the cheerleaders lives; her parents are out of town at a funeral), and anybody who’s cool, borderline cool, or knows somebody that’s cool is here. That’s just about every senior and junior and some sophomores. A couple of extremely hot-looking freshman girls are along. That’s about the whole guestlist.
If the party follows the usual script, then a handful of last year’s seniors will show up later on, very drunk and still wearing their lettermen’s jackets, and there’ll be one or two arguments and a couple of punches. I could be involved, but usually I’m not.
Kim comes into the kitchen, squeezing through the crowd, and I look sideways at Digit. He’s sitting with his hands on his knees, looking around. Since he got his hair cut, it’s lighter, almost red, and his ears stick out. He doesn’t say much, but he’s deep. Every once in a while he shows evidence of that. Not lately, though.
Kim has on a dark sweater and black jeans. She’s got a healthy tone to her skin, which looks good with dark hair. Five three; weighs about a hundred; no excess. She’s looking for another wine cooler, which could be in my favor. She hasn’t seen me yet. She’s got a thin silver chain around her neck, which I like, and she shows an athleticism that could be useful. She runs cross-country and track, which is good for the legs.
Digit nudges me and stares at Al over at the table. I can only catch part of what Al is saying because the music’s sort of loud, but he’s talking to Richie Foster, who’s a junior and looks like he’ll be our man at 189, and pointing to the Pepsi bottle. Richie heads into the living room and Al turns to right tackle Ernie Corso and tells him again that the Pepsi isn’t just Pepsi. Everybody laughs real hard.
“Hi, Ben.” Kim’s standing in front of me, very friendly looking. “Hi, Digit,” she says, too.
She hands me a bottle and asks me to open it, and that seems like an excuse to come over, but I’m not complaining. It doesn’t open as easy as it ought to, but I get the cap off.
“How’s it going?” she says.
“Great,” I answer. I nod my head to reinforce what I said.
“You like this song?” she says, pointing to the CD player.
I hadn’t really thought about it. But I figure she must like it, since she asked. “Yeah,” I say. “I like it.”
“I listen to these guys a lot,” she says. “They get me psyched before I run.” She looks out into the living room, where a few people are dancing. She looks back at me and just rotates her shoulders slightly. “I have most of their tapes.”
I can think of absolutely nothing to say, so I just nod with my mouth hanging open. She looks back into the living room, then takes the bottle from me. “Well … thanks,” she says with a smile. She punches Digit playfully in the knee, then heads back for the corner where her friends are.
I look at my hand, which has a little ring of cuts on it in the shape of the wine cooler cap.
Digit smirks and grins at me. “Smooth” is all he says. Like I said, he’s deep. He can say an awful lot in a word or two, like “Nice going, jerk, she’s standing there looking great and giving you an obvious opening with that lame ‘Open this bottle, please, you big strong man’ thing, and you just nod your head like a goof and let her get away.” He said all that and more with just a look and a single word from the fifties: smooth. I often wish I could be that eloquent.
We drink sometimes, me and Digit, but not to lose ourselves. It’s great in the early fall on a really crisp evening to get a bottle or some beers and sit in the woods, up past my house or in the cemetery. When the four of us get drunk together, we might act like jerks, but if Hatcher isn’t around—when it’s just me and Al and Digit—we can get down to some serious stuff.
One night, maybe two weeks ago, we sat under the stars till really late, talking about getting out of here next summer, maybe going out West. Al said he’d like to work in the rodeo. He’s never been on a horse, I don’t think. But you say things like that when you’re really relaxed, when you know you can get away with it. If Hatcher had heard that, he’d never let Al forget it; he’d be calling him Tex or something. But I get it, and so does Digit, even if it’s not really about the rodeo or working on a fishing boat or going to Wyoming. It’s about getting out. Breaking the pattern.
You can’t talk about things like that at a kitchen table with everybody in school here, trying to be cool.
I hop off the counter and squeeze through the crowd to the refrigerator. I get a can of 7-Up for me and one for Digit (he doesn’t really want one, but I have this thing about balance, and if he drinks one too it will be even). I come back over to the counter and sit down again. That took about two minutes, maybe less.
“Seen Hatcher?” I ask.
Digit says he thinks Hatcher’s upstairs already with Marcie, a cheerleader who just broke up with Andy Larson, the quarterback. Hatcher and Andy are pretty good friends, though, so that shouldn’t cause much trouble. Plus Hatcher could kick the shit out of Andy if it came to that.
I can see through the doorway into the living room, where Kim is. And I notice that Marcie is there, too. “Marcie’s out in the living room,” I say to Digit. He says, “Oh.” Andy’s at the table with Al. Al’s already getting kind of loud. Me or Digit’ll have to drive his car home, which is something we do a lot.
About an hour later I finally get around to talking to Kim out on the back porch. I saw her slip out there, probably for some air because a lot of people are smoking in here, so I get down from the counter and tell Digit I’ll be right back.
“How’s it going?” I ask. I think I asked her that before, but it’s been an hour and things might have changed.
“Great,” she says, which is pretty much how it was last time. “Want a sip of this?” she asks, holding up a bottle.
“Nah,” I say. “We don’t drink in season.”
“Oh,” she says and smiles. She chugs down the rest of the bottle (maybe two ounces) and shows me the label. It’s non-alcoholic cranberry sparkler. There’s a tiny pink drop of it on her lip. She sets the bottle on the railing and flicks back her hair, which is medium long and sometimes gets in her eyes. There’s no light on the porch, but there’s quite a bit of light from the kitchen, so we’re not standing in the dark. It’s stopped raining.
“How’s wrestling going?” she asks.
“Well, this was the first day,” I say. For once I don’t want to talk about wrestling. “So it’s hard to say. Things look good. How’s things with you? You been running?”
“Five a day,” she says. “I’m going easy right now, getting my head back together. I’ll step up my mileage soon.”
I don’t know a whole lot about cross-country. I know she won the league meet but bombed in the states.
“You ready for that test?” she asks.
“Not yet.” I definitely don’t want to talk about geometry. What do I want to talk about? Al saves me from worrying about that for long.
He comes out and puts his arms around Kim from behind. He barely knows her, but I guess he figures that anything of mine is also his by association. She turns and gives him a kind of puzzled look, but she’s not annoyed or anything. “Hi, Al,” she says.
He keeps an arm around her shoulder and says to her that I’m the key man in his life right now. “You gotta push me,” he says to me. “If I’m gonna win the states, I gotta work my ass off every day.”
Kim slowly twists out of his grasp, and Al puts his hands on my shoulders. He’s drunk, and there’s this sudden surge coming over him. “Nobody’s gonna touch me this season,” he says with his teeth clenched, smiling at me. “You gotta make me work, Benny, you gotta make me work.”
Then he’s got a hand on my thigh and he’s taking me down, right there in the muddy backyard. And before I know it I’m on my back, and he’s got me cradled and I can’t do anything about it.
“Guys, stop,” Kim says. “Come on.” But Al’s got me pinned down and there’s mud all over my back. He backs off and I get up on my knees, then he’s on me again, shouting “Two, two.” (That’s how many points you get for a takedown.)
“Al, cut the shit,” I say, with my cheek pressed into the dirt and my arm twisted behind my back. “That’s my bad shoulder, asshole.”
He gets up and pulls me to my feet and I shove him away.
“You gotta work my butt off, Benny,” he says. “You gotta get me that championship.”
He goes back into the house. There’s about six guys on the porch watching. Kim is shaking her head. “What’s wrong with him?” she says when I come over.
“He’s … got problems, I guess.” I wipe the back of my head with my hand, then wipe the mud from my hand onto my jacket. “I gotta go home and change.”
“Are you going to come back?” I think I hear some hope in her voice.
“I don’t know. Maybe not.”
But I go home and take a shower and change and do another hundred sit-ups, and since it’s still pretty early, my father says I can use the car if I’m not drinking. “Get some gas while you’re at it,” he says from his chair, handing me a ten. So I pull out of the driveway and debate whether to go back to the party or just drive around by myself. There’s about a quarter tank of gas in the wagon, so I can get away with thirty or forty miles, I figure.
It’s downhill from my house to the party, which is on the other end of town. You can walk from one side of Sturbridge to the other in ten minutes, and drive it in two. There’s two traffic lights, one on either end of Main Street: up where it crosses the Pocono River and down at our end, up Monroe Street from the plant. We live two blocks up the other side of Monroe, which puts us just about out of town.
Sturbridge is very compact—tightly spaced houses with narrow driveways, small yards with thick trees overhead—then the land spreads out quickly when the houses end. There’s a dairy farm about two hundred yards up the road from our house, and the road turns to dirt another quarter mile along. When I hunt, I just go out the back door, cross my neighbor’s yard, and walk a couple hundred yards to the woods.
I pull up to the party, and Kim and Digit and surprisingly Marcie are sitting on the front steps, waiting for me, I think. They come over and get in, and Marcie’s wearing Digit’s Red Barons cap. They get in the back and Kim gets in next to me.
“Get the mud out of your hair?” Digit says.
I smirk back at him and show him that my hair’s still wet from the shower, and I say “What a jerk,” meaning Al, but I say it in a way that doesn’t have any bitterness, I think.
“He was wasted,” Digit says. “When he came back in, he stood on the kitchen table and told everybody he just won the Olympic gold medal. He started singing ‘The Star-Spangled Banner.’ ”
I put the radio on; we only have AM in this car and the only station that comes in clear is country-western. I’m surprised that Digit’s sitting so close to Marcie, who only cheers during football season because she plays forward on the basketball team. She’s good-looking and athletic, and she’s on that plane a little above me and Digit, in the most popular fringe. Hatcher and Al have started crossing into that fringe at times, but me and Digit have always been a notch below.
Kim’s not sitting close to me at all, which is okay since I haven’t earned it yet. “I miss anything?” I ask.
“Darla broke up with Eddie,” Kim says with not much enthusiasm. “Ernie won a chugging contest.” She looks at me and kind of rolls her eyes. “I can only take so much of that nonsense.”
We’ve already covered the whole length of Main Street, and I stop at the light where it dead-ends into Route 6 above the plant. The usual routine here is to make a left and loop back around the block, heading up Main Street in the opposite direction. You follow the same general pattern when you reach the other end of Main, and in this fashion you can be sure to keep up with all the major developments outside the Turkey Hill Market and the Rite Aid drugstore, which are the only places in town open past dinnertime. (The McDonald’s, Kmart, and a few other places are out on 6, about a half mile away from the business district. Those establishments are not so essential that they need to be included in every loop; every fifth or sixth time is sufficient.) Rite Aid closes at ten, Turkey Hill at one.
The Sturbridge National Bank keeps its digital clock on all night. Right now it’s 10:51 and 42 degrees. Although we rarely talk about it, just about every kid in town has a pretty good awareness of time and temperature because of that clock. You could argue that those awarenesses contribute in some way to our wrestling success. But you’d probably lose the argument.
Kim is twisting her hair around her finger and looking out the window, and I think Digit is actually trying to make out with Marcie.
I don’t regularly talk much, but it seems I ought to be forcing along a conversation with Kim. I want to ask her to run six miles a day instead of five, or six one day and four the next. And I want to ask her what’s going on with Digit and Marcie, because I sure as hell never saw that coming, but that’ll have to wait.
So we don’t say a whole lot as I slowly drive four regular loops and two extended ones. I read the signs out on Route 6 for the thousandth time: Just listed—3 bedrooms on lake, $69,900; Sturbridge Greenhouse; Live Bait-Nightcrawlers-Always Fresh; Friday-Satday Special ROAST CHICKEN MASH POTATO 5.99; Dodge Trucks; AGWAY; Mike’s Video—BUY AMERICAN, SAVE JOBS.
The radio’s going and there are a lot of younger kids downtown—freshmen and sophomores mostly, hanging out in front of stores, wishing they had something to do. The biggest group is in front of the movie theater, which shut down about six years ago and has been vacant ever since. The cops will chase them away any minute now. There’s a place called The Fun Zone out at the strip mall next to Kmart, with pinball and video games, but it’s not cool to hang out there if you’re over twelve. They do have a couple of pool tables, though.
Nobody wants anything at McDonald’s. We go past the party house again, and Digit says, “You better let us out. I’ll get Al and drive him home.”
Digit and Marcie get out and I’m left with Kim. After a minute she asks, “Why is Al so important to you guys?”
“I don’t know.” I shrug. “We watch out for each other.”
I really don’t know why. “Maybe it’s because he’s got potential the rest of us don’t quite have, and we can’t bear to see it wasted,” I say. I start chewing on my lip, not really sure about this. Why should I care about Al? If he wastes his chance, it just opens the door for me.
Kim looks confused, too. “If he can’t control himself, why should you guys even try?”
“I don’t know. It’s sort of … nobody else is looking out for him. It’s just Al and his father at home, and his father is kind of lost. I think Al spends time looking out for him, instead of the other way around. And he’s not so out of control, really. He’s as dedicated as the rest of us.”
“Didn’t look that way tonight,” she says, but she seems amused rather than critical.
“We’ve been wrestling together since sixth grade, so we know where we stand with each other,” I say. “We all work hard, we all want to be the best we can, but Al’s got talents the rest of us can only think about. Great balance, unbelievable flexibility, and this ability to anticipate what the other guy’s going to do.”
Kim thinks about this a second, then gives me a half smile. “I’ve seen you wrestle, Ben,” she says. “Don’t sell yourself short.”
It’s 11:38 when we get back to Main Street (I had figured 11:36) and it’s dropped a degree to 41. Kim waves to a guy who’s standing under the clock with a bunch of his friends, guys who graduated two years ago. “My neighbor,” she says to me. “Jess. You know him?”
“A little,” I answer. “Not much.”
“He’s smart,” she says. “I don’t know why he’s still hanging around Sturbridge.”
“This is where he lives,” I say. “He lives here.”
“He’s twenty.”
“I guess.” I’m not sure what she’s getting at. He shouldn’t live here because he’s twenty? I mean, I want to get out too, but it’s not so easy. “So where do you expect to be?” I say. “When you’re twenty.”
“Villanova, I hope. Or Stanford.”
“Oh.” I think she really means it. It makes sense. More sense than the rodeo. We don’t say anything for a few more blocks. Then Kim yawns and says she’d better get home, and I do still have to get gasoline. She lives over past the hospital, I’m not sure exactly where, but I turn toward the river in that direction.
“It’s the third one on the right,” she says when we get to Ridge Street, and I pull up there and she does a surprising thing. She slides up close to me and kisses me on the cheek, and I can’t see how I deserve that. “That’s for being such a nice guy,” she says. She looks at me like she wants to say something else, then finally she does. “Loosen up, okay?”
She says goodnight and gets out of the car, and I’m not sure if she means I should loosen up with her, or with Al, or what. I’ll have to think about it.
I watch her walk away, and I kind of shudder. She seems to have me pretty well figured out, even if I haven’t got a clue myself.
There’s a Texaco at the corner by the light, but I think I can get it cheaper out on 6. So I head down Main Street one last time and drive out beyond the plant and the Kmart and McDonald’s.
She’s there, wearing a heavy gray sweatshirt with the hood pulled up, and there’s only one other car at the pumps. But she’s at that car, and it’ll look pretty odd if I pull up behind her and wait. There’s a fuzzy older guy standing on the open side, and I know he’ll be filling my car if I pull over there. I consider driving up the road a mile or so and coming back when she’s free, but I’ve already turned into the station so I just say the hell with it and go to the other side.
I roll down the window and tell the guy to give me ten regular, and at least I have a good look at the girl. The other car is already pulling away, and if I’d been thirty seconds later I could be over there now, talking to her. She doesn’t look my way, standing there counting bills.
She steps over to the back of my car to talk to the older guy, who runs the place, and I can see her from mid-thigh up to neck level in my side-view mirror. Miraculously, the phone starts ringing inside the station, and the guy rushes over to get it. “He’s getting ten,” he yells to the girl, which means she’ll be completing the transaction. I get a surge of adrenaline, like when they call you onto the mat for a match.
She takes the pump out and hangs it up and screws the gas cap back in place. “Okay,” she says with a really sweet smile, and I hand her the ten. I can smell gasoline on her hands. She takes the bills out of her pocket and folds the ten around the wad.
“How’s business tonight?” I say, surprising even myself.
She tilts her head and brushes some stray hair back into her hood. “Regular,” she says.
“Cold,” I say.
“Not too bad,” she says. “We’re outta here in ten minutes.”
“Yeah,” I say. I start the engine.
“ ’Night,” she says and turns to a guy in a pickup truck who’s pulled up on the other side. I wave to her.
I turn back onto 6 and turn up the volume on the radio, but I keep the window open and lean my elbow out. “Wooooo,” I say, pretty loud, feeling really good all of a sudden. Feeling pumped up. Thinking about Al.
Flexibility is one thing, balance is another, and strength and instinct are essential. But desire is something you can’t place a value on. Desire can overcome all those other things, can turn a sheep into a tiger. Loosen up, I tell myself. Want it. Want it more than he does.
I’m gonna kick his butt on Monday. And I’m gonna come back and talk to this girl again.
won final of East Pocono JV Tournament by pin
freshman year, pinned guy from Wharton in 18 seconds
last year, lost wrestle-off to Al, 9–4
My worst:
got pinned in first period vs. Laurelton last year
puked on mat after winning a match two years ago
lost first-ever varsity match, 13–3
Not sure:
church league soccer game last month—hit that pompous, hypocritical jerk with a couple of good ones before they dragged us apart, thought I’d be going to jail