AN HOUR AND TWO Scotches later, the doorbell rang. The girls were downstairs in their brand new clothes dancing to the Bravo Boys, having declared themselves too full of popcorn for dinner. That was fine with Seth. His stomach rejected the idea of food. The Scotch tasted like drain cleaner, but he figured he needed it.
As the persistent bell interrupted his reverie, he felt his eyes narrow in fury. He marched to the door ready to tell that damn Melissa she’d done enough for one day.
It wasn’t Melissa standing on his doorstep, tears of sympathy in her eyes, a steaming lasagna in her hands. It was Janice.
He wasn’t too pleased to see her, either, but for some reason, he wasn’t as angry with his sister as he was with the babysitter cum psychiatrist who’d suddenly taken over his life.
“Can I come in?” Janice asked.
“I guess.” He knew he sounded as sulky as a schoolboy.
“I thought you might be hungry.” She hurried past him into the kitchen where he heard the oven door creak open and bang shut. He didn’t move from the front door, hoping that was a strong enough hint that he wasn’t interested in a social visit.
Her heavy tread came down the hallway toward him. He refused to turn around.
“I’m sorry, Seth. It wasn’t easy for me, either.” Her voice was raspy with tears. “I kept remembering…” She sniffed and he heard the stifled sob.
Turning, he grabbed her to him. Her hefty body shook with grief. “It’s okay, Janice. It’s okay.”
“I knew it had to be done. In three years, I haven’t had the courage even to bring up the subject. Melissa did most of it. I stood around crying all day.” She sniffed louder. “Melissa warned me you might be angry, but I can’t stand it if you are. Please don’t be mad at us. Please.”
“Melissa warned you?” His voice was sharp. How could she have known? Of course. She had training. He was probably as predictable as a textbook. “Why did she do it if she knew I’d get mad?”
“She cares about you, little brother. She warned me that you wouldn’t like either of us for a while. She said I should let you alone, give you time. But I couldn’t.” She trembled again in his arms, and the lump in his throat eased.
“I’m glad you came, Jan.” He squeezed and let her go.
She dried her eyes and gave him a big smile. “I’m glad, too.” She touched his shoulder lightly. “This is probably the worst time for me to tell you this, but you know me, I’ve never been the tactful type.”
“Tell me what?”
She sent him a sweet, sassy grin. “I like this one. You can’t spend an entire day crying in front of someone and not get pretty close to them, you know?”
He nodded. He’d been so obsessed with his own pain he hadn’t thought about Janice’s. “That must have been hard on you.”
“Well, it was. But I love you. I don’t want to see you hurting.”
“I know.”
“Melissa’s a very determined woman, so organized she scares me, and pretty damned bossy, but I like her a lot.” She glanced up at him. “It wasn’t that easy for her, either.” His sister took a shaky breath. “Don’t scare her away.”
“Did she tell you about last night?” He didn’t think he could feel more humiliated about last night, but the thought of Melissa and Janice chatting about him choking made him squirm.
They walked into the kitchen together. “She didn’t have to tell me anything. I’ve got eyes. I haven’t seen you look at a woman that way since…”
“Claire. I know. Janice, I screwed up royally last night.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I—well, things got pretty hot—” God, this was hard to talk about with his sister.
“Yeah, okay, I get it.”
“And I took her into the guest room. I couldn’t take her into my bedroom.”
His sister was staring at him, obviously torn between pity and horror. “You mean you couldn’t take her into Claire’s room.”
He nodded. “She figured out pretty fast that we weren’t in my bedroom and then she made me take her there.”
“Oh, hon.”
“And when we got to my room, and all Claire’s things still around… I couldn’t. We didn’t…” He swallowed. “Do you think she’ll ever give me another chance?”
“I don’t know. She seemed fairly professional about what she had to do today.” She looked doubtful as she opened drawers and started setting the table.
“Listen, can you stick around for a while? Feed the girls? I’d…uh…well, I need to see her.”
“Are you sure that’s a good idea?”
“I’m not sure of any damn thing anymore.”
Janice sent him one of the wide smiles she’d inherited from their mother. “Stay as long as you like.”
Rejecting the car in favor of a brisk walk, Seth let the rhythm of his footsteps soothe him. But it was tough. All the awkwardness and humiliation of the night before rose in his mind. He’d made a fool of himself. And Melissa had acted like a dentist’s drill, breaking through his protective barrier to get at the soft, hurting part. He didn’t like being without his protection. He felt exposed and, if he was honest with himself, frightened.
She’d uncovered his secret pain. Gone through his wife’s things. How could he make love to her when she knew him for the coward he was? How could he still want her?
The lights of her home welcomed him, even though he dreaded seeing her. He picked up the pace a little and was breathless by the time he banged the lion’s head.
“Seth.” Her surprise was evident in the lilting way she said his name. “Are you all right? I-I didn’t expect to see you.” She looked so concerned and so vulnerable standing there with eyes wide and uncertain, that the last of his anger died.
“No. I’m not all right. Not really.” He shoved his hands in his pockets as though searching for a tip. “I guess it’s going to take a while. But that was a brave thing you did. I wanted to thank you.”
A smile both sad and sweet crossed her face. “Would you like to come in?”
“Yes. I would.”
She pushed her hair behind her ears in a nervous gesture. “I was putting the kids to bed.”
“Can I help?”
“Well, you could read Matthew a story.” She sounded kind of doubtful.
“Yeah. That’d be great. I need something to do, something away from my own house.” So, he was running from his ghosts. He knew they’d find him again, but a temporary reprieve would be good. Maybe by the time he’d read Matthew a story, he’d have a clue why he was here. Oh, hell. He knew why he was here. But what was he going to do about it?
Matthew was both shy and eager when Melissa explained Seth would be reading him his story. His hair was damp from a bath and he sported flannel pajamas with baseball players all over them. Seth experienced a flash of yearning. He loved his girls, but, before Claire had found out she was sick, they’d planned to have another child. Secretly, he’d hoped for a son.
“Which story do you want?” Seth asked.
“Dunno. You pick.”
Seth scanned the shelves in Matthew’s bedroom. Science, nature, space, everything educational. He felt a little intimidated. A Hardy Boys would have been nice.
He eyed the slugger jammies. “Don’t you have any books about baseball?”
“No. I don’t know how to play baseball.”
“You don’t know how to play baseball?” Knowing how to play baseball ranked right up there with knowing how to fly a kite or soap windows on Halloween—quintessential boy stuff. The poor kid might as well have not had a father.
Wide, assessing blue eyes, so much like his mother’s, gazed longingly at him. Too scared to ask, but so hopeful Seth didn’t have the heart to refuse the unspoken request. “Tell ya what. If it’s nice out tomorrow, how about we play some baseball? Just us guys.”
Matthew nodded, pure bliss evident on his face.
“We have to check first with your mom.”
“Check what with me?” The way her voice sounded was as sexy as a caress. It did things to Seth he didn’t want to think about.
Seth opened his mouth, but Matthew beat him to it. “Seth said he’d teach me how to play baseball tomorrow. Please, can I?”
“Baseball? I thought you didn’t like team sports. You never let me sign you up for the teams at school.” She sounded puzzled, troubled even. It couldn’t be any easier for her being a single mom of a boy than it was for him to understand the whole girl thing.
Matthew was getting an anxious expression, which the little boy Seth remembered being could totally relate to. He didn’t want to make a fool of himself trying to play a game he didn’t understand. Quickly, before his well-meaning mom could ruin everything, Seth spoke up. “We’re only going to horse around for fun.”
Matthew’s stress visibly drained from him as he nodded, the damp cowlick bobbing.
Besides, teaching a kid to play baseball might take his mind off his own troubles for a few hours.
Maybe she read his mind. Melissa glanced from one to the other and nodded. “That’d be great. Why don’t you drop the twins here, and we girls will have our own fun.”
He rolled his eyes in Matthew’s direction, got a goggle-eyed gagging look in return, and the male bonding had begun.
“Boys,” Melissa muttered as she headed back down the hallway, her hips swaying in a way that made Seth very glad there were differences between the sexes.
He dragged a book about telescopes from the bookshelf, but they ended up talking about baseball anyway. “We’ll have to catch a Mariners’ game one day,” he said, thinking how much fun it would be to take this boy to Seattle and watch him enjoy his first pro baseball game. Then a pang of guilt struck him. What was he doing? His actions encouraged Brady Bunch thinking. The last thing the eager little boy beside him needed was another adult male letting him down.
He sat there, his legs looking ridiculously long atop the bug quilt, reading doggedly on about telescopes until the boy dropped to sleep. Then he sat there some more, the soft, regular breathing soothing him as he stared at the open book. What was he doing here tonight? He had no business leading them on, Melissa and her kids.
He was a broken man, as he’d so spectacularly proved last night. He wanted Melissa in the way a man who hasn’t had sex in over three years might be expected to want a woman. But how far beyond that he wanted to go, he had no idea.
The lights were dim all through the orderly, polished house as he searched out Melissa. He found her sitting at the kitchen table, drawing, a heap of what looked like textbooks surrounding her, some stacked in wobbling piles, some open; it was the most disorderly thing he’d ever seen her do.
He approached softly, admiring the line of her jaw, the way it elongated into her neck and disappeared behind her open shirt collar. Her expression was rapt as she stared at the page in front of her, frowned, erased something and reached for one of the books.
“Working on one of your garden designs?” he asked.
She glanced up with a quick smile. “I’m supposed to call it landscape design. Sounds more important, I guess.” She found the book she was looking for and scribbled something on her page before addressing him again.
“This one’s for my neighbor, Pam.”
“That’s great.”
“If you like what I do, I’ll do your garden next. It’s good practice for me. Besides, I owe you for all you’ve done for us.”
“You’ve done a lot for me, too.”
He slumped against the door frame and addressed the huge thing that was sharing airspace with him and Melissa. “I knew it had to be done. I couldn’t bring myself to get rid of her things. I knew she was gone, of course, and that she was never coming back. But—” he blew out an awkward breath “—I didn’t want anyone else touching her things, either. Janice offered a couple of times, then gave up. It was tough, knowing what you were doing today, and I hated like hell coming home to find everything gone. But…well…thanks.”
She seemed mesmerized by the pencil she was rolling between her fingers. “I wasn’t sure how you’d react.”
“You want the honest truth?”
She looked up and met his gaze. “Always.”
“I was so mad I wanted to howl. Now, I don’t. Janice dropped by.”
Surprise showed in Melissa’s eyes. “She did?”
“Yeah. She said you told her not to, but she couldn’t stay away. In a weird way, seeing her all broken up about things made it easier for me.”
“I’m glad.” She looked at him as though checking for fever symptoms. “How do you feel now?”
“Like somebody worked me over with a baseball bat.”
She nodded. Not even surprised.
What he had to say next had his stomach on fire. “I also want to apologize for last night.” He sighed heavily. “For my…it was nothing to do with you…I felt…” How the hell could he explain what he’d felt when he didn’t understand it himself? He wanted Melissa so badly his teeth ached. And he felt guilty. And scared. God, there it was. He was scared. Scared of feeling again, loving again and getting hurt.
“It was too soon,” she said to the pencil.
“No. Damn it, Melissa, it’s not too soon. It’s been three years.”
“Chronological time doesn’t mean so much. You’re not ready.”
“Yes, I am.” And he knew he was. He was eager, in fact, to take Melissa in his arms and prove to her exactly how ready. He crossed to her in two strides and dropped to his heels in front of her, so he could look up into her downturned face. He raised just his index finger and traced the shape of her cheekbone.
Her lips opened slightly on an intake of breath, and just like that, lust slammed into him like a speeding locomotive. “Oh, baby, I am ready,” he said, pulling her shoulders until, with a startled exclamation, she tumbled into his lap.
She started to gasp his name, but he stopped her mouth with his lips, kissing her for all he was worth. She sat there in his lap, letting him kiss her, but barely responding. Dimly, he realized he’d hurt her last night. Made her feel he didn’t really want her. Words wouldn’t express what he needed her to know. He took her hand and placed it firmly on the one part of his body that would tell her, in no uncertain terms, exactly how much he wanted her.
He felt the little huffing gasp against his lips when her hand closed over him. Then her arms came round him and she kissed him back. Oh, the sweetness of that trim body alive with passion. Kissing him back, her tongue slipping boldly into his mouth.
His need mounting, he cupped her cheek, let his hand follow the line of her jaw and neck, the way his eyes had followed it earlier, and dipped into the jean shirt she wore to cup her breast.
“Mmm,” she sighed as he rubbed and kneaded the firm round globe. Wanting to see what he was touching, wanting to put his mouth there, he slipped his hand back out and started undoing her shirt buttons.
As soon as she realized what he was doing, she pulled away, glancing at the kitchen light overhead. “Not here.”
He didn’t care. The kitchen floor was fine. The front lawn was fine with him. “Let’s go upstairs.” He tried to kiss her again, but once more she retreated, and, grasping the kitchen table, pulled herself to standing
She pressed her hands to her cheeks. “No, I can’t. What if one of the children needs me?”
“Doesn’t your door have a lock?” He gave her back the same line she’d used on him last night.
“No. After Stephen left I took it off. Alice went through a stage where she liked playing with the locks. I didn’t want her to get locked in by accident. None of the bathroom doors lock, either. I’m sorry.”
Even as frustration raged through his blood, a glimmer of humor peeped through. “We’re as bad as a couple of horny teenagers worrying about their parents coming home. I’d invite you to make out in my car, but I walked.”
She made a production of rebuttoning her shirt and patting her hair back into place. “It’s probably for the best, anyway.” She was doing that nurse voice that ticked him off every time she used it on him.
“I’m telling you, I’m ready. I’m so ready, I’ll have to have a cold shower and read all the stock market listings before I can sleep.”
“Your body’s ready, which, if you don’t mind me saying so, isn’t a real breakthrough in a man. But, I don’t think the rest of you is ready yet.” She glanced at him, her blue eyes so clear and yet troubled. “You’ve been pretty honest with me, and I appreciate it. Seth, you need to know,” she dropped her gaze to her hands. He noticed they were clasped tight. “I’ve never been with anyone but Stephen. I—you’re not the only one who’s got some demons here.” She looked up again and he felt she’d forced herself to meet his gaze. “Let’s be careful, okay?”
He was shocked at her admission. Then flattered at the implication. But she was right. He had no business messing with this woman until he knew exactly what he was after.
“Whatever is going on here, I don’t think it’s casual.”
She chuckled softly, the sound surprising him. “No,” she said. “Sometimes I wish it were.”
“Well—”
She picked up his left hand and tapped the gold wedding ring he still wore. “Good night, Seth.”