About 3 a.m., you can expect to be either semi-conscious or delirious from sleep deprivation. I’d say we are the latter, as a few officers and I discuss the new recruit, Jayden, already designated the officer-most-likely-to-be-raped. He’s a very pretty boy, a boy to whom some of the detainees have taken a particular shine. He’s also expressed an interest in joining the centre’s Emergency Response Team.
“That guy doesn’t need shields and batons and all that shit, he needs a Kevlar chastity belt,” says Gabriel.
“If you were out there and it turned to shit, I reckon the best thing to do would be just throw Jayden to ’em and run. They’ll be too busy raping to come after you,” says Bailey.
“Nah man, what you do is when you’re all lined up with your shields and marching forward, you put Jayden out the front, pants down, arse facing the rioters. They’ll be queuing up for that shit. They’ll be taking tickets. ‘Oh, me next, me next,’ ” says Scott.
Then, without care for any sort of segue, Rash says, “Do you know what the scientifically proven best way of taking a shit is?”
“Huh?”
“I will tell you. The best way for the body to take a shit is if you are standing on your head.”
“That’s scientifically proven? Dude, come on,” I say.
“No, it is. I read it.”
“How do you take a shit standing on your head? You’d have to practise, like, projectile shitting, or it’d run down your back.”
“What do you shit into? Where do you aim?” says Scott.
“I don’t know, but it’s the best for you.”
“So you’re going to take all your shits standing on your head?” I say.
“Maybe. Gabriel, can I have your keys?”
“What for?”
“I need to go take a shit.”
“Ah-huh. But what do we always tell the clients?” says Gabriel.
“What?”
“What — do — we — tell — the — clients?”
“Umm …”
“Please.”
“Please …?”
“Why can’t you say please?”
“I just want your keys.”
“And I’ll give you my keys when you learn to say please.”
“Why don’t you just give me the keys?”
“What is your problem? It’s polite. It’s simply being polite.”
“And I politely asked for your keys.”
“Well I’m not giving them to you, then. Not if you can’t say please.”
“All right, can I please have your keys?”
Gabriel unclips the keys from his lanyard and hands them to Rash. Rash leaves the donga.
“What a cocksucker,” says Gabriel.