I woke up before the alarm went off, but remained in bed for a long time, thinking. My head was a bit clearer than it had been the day before, even if my emotions were still incredibly tangled and my heart was still aching.

Two men had told me they loved me: Jake and Chase. Two men as different as night and day.

And I loved them both...or at least I thought that I did.

What’s that old song, Abby? Love the one you’re with? That’s me. But when I’m away from them, they both tear at my heart. Selfishly, I wish I could love both of them, not have to choose. But that won’t work because neither man is interested in sharing me with the other. And besides, I can’t continue to carry the guilt that I feel when I am with one, and away from the other. It’s like my heart is split into two pieces, unable to be fully given to just one man.

Jake is dominant to my submissive and it’s a perfect relationship, at least on the surface. No strings attached, no romantic involvement, but the freedom to explore all that comes with a dominant submissive arrangement. Pain versus pleasure. My surrender...his control. Complicated in its own way, but nothing compared to what happens when someone steps out of the boundaries of such a relationship. Like Jake.

Jake; gorgeous, sexy Jake. Tightly wound and under control Jake. Jake, who has secrets...so many secrets that I feel I can’t really be sure of exactly who he is.

Jake... kind, gentle yet mysteriously dangerous Jake. The first man to tell me that he loved me.

And then there is Chase.

Chase owns a BDSM club and I’ll never forget the first night that I met him, and just how much pleasure he gave to me. The scene was indescribable. Chase tied me up with rope, intricate knots that took a long time to construct. I was immobile on a table, arms out to the side, legs spread wide. And completely naked, the kind of vulnerable naked that would normally throw me into a whirlwind of panic and anxiety yet with Chase I felt as though I would be okay, and that my body, regardless of its many curves, was beautiful...from head to toe.

Chase had said not all rope play ends in a sexual encounter, but it was clear from the moment we started just how the night would end. The sexual chemistry between us lit up the room, washing away all concern for anything and anyone else. Including Jake.

Jake said he’d learned something from our time at the club, from seeing me with Chase. He learned he didn’t want to—couldn’t—share me with anyone because his feelings were deeper than he realized. He loved me, and when a man loves a woman the last thing he wants to do is share that love with someone else.

I learned something that night as well. I learned the power of temptation, the power Chase Thomas had over me.

I don’t remember all of what happened at the club; toward the end it’s a faded blur of sensations and memories, contorted and confusing, and then it all goes black. But I remembered what mattered most.

Because when Chase called the next day, asking to see me—no, not asking, exactly...Chase doesn’t ask as much as expect compliance—I went willingly, anxious to see him again.

 So now I’m caught between two men, each with a stranglehold on my heart, each charming and charismatic...and damaged in their own way. And neither is willing to share me with anyone, especially not with the other.

And now I need to make a choice. Both Jake and Chase were finally honest with me about their pasts. Each told me things that were hard for them to talk about, much less describe in such detail so that I completely understood.  I know it was terribly hard for them to reveal these secrets that they had kept hidden for so many years, but they trusted me...they both knew their secrets were safe with me. And they are. I will forever guard them with my heart for the pain behind their eyes is something I never want to see again.

But I still have questions, of both men...and of myself. And I need to find the answers. This limbo we’re all in is killing me, hurting them and I’m the only one who can get us out of it.  I just don’t know where to begin.

––––––––

Leslie found me mid-afternoon the following Wednesday. I’d gotten to work early; sifted through the rubble on my desk that I’d left behind the day before and managed to make a dent in my overflowing inboxes, paper and email, respectively.

“Hey, you. Feeling better than yesterday?” She set a large Styrofoam cup of coffee in front of me. She carried a much smaller one in her other hand, obviously meant for herself. Apparently I looked like I needed the industrial-sized coffee cup.

I glanced up quickly, motioning her to sit down. “Just give me a minute, let me finish this.” I typed a sentence, hit send and pushed the keyboard away.

The coffee smelled wonderful, hazelnut mocha if I had to guess.

“What’s this for? Do I still look like hell? Or whatever you said it was I looked like yesterday?” I’d left work early, almost no sleep the night before. The last night I spent with Chase.

“ ‘Fifty shades of hell’ was what you looked like the last time you pulled an all-nighter with Jake,” she replied teasingly. “Yesterday you looked horrible after your all-nighter with Chase.” She pushed the cup across the desk toward me.

“It’s an apology and a gift, all rolled into one. I wasn’t really fair to you yesterday. This must be hard...this...situation.” She waved her fingers in the air.

“Yeah, it is.” I took a swallow of coffee, hot, caffeinated. Just what I needed.

“So, what’s next? You have a plan? Something you can share? I know how big you are on secrets these days.” She grinned at me over the edge of her coffee cup.

I set the cup down, watching the steam drift from the coffee. More secretive than you know, Leslie.

“I don’t know, Leslie. It’s really complicated.” I suddenly felt awkward discussing my relationships with Leslie even though she was my closest friend. It felt like I was trading secrets. Secrets both Jake and Chase had trusted with me.

Leslie nodded sympathetically, settling down in her chair. “I can imagine.”

I took another fortifying swallow of coffee. The chime of an incoming email distracted me for a moment. Leslie was still watching me.

“Do you think if you talked about it, it would be easier? I’m always here, Abby. You know that.”

I fidgeted in my chair. Did I really want to go into all the details with Leslie? I felt a pang of guilt; for Jake and Chase and their secrets. And a pang of guilt for my best friend, because right now, I really needed her, needed to not feel so alone with this situation.

“Leslie, this is hard. These guys trusted me with their secrets, some pretty serious stuff. I don’t know...” I played with my pen, drawing aimless circles on my notepad.

I looked up at her. And realized I needed to talk about this, even if it was hard. To save my own sanity, maybe.

“There’s someone I think I need to find. Jake had a sub before me. Her name is Jane.” I took a deep breath.

“She apparently had some kind of breakdown while they were having a session, something triggered a memory of abuse by her step-father.”

“What would happen in a session that would do that? I thought you said these were safe sessions?”

I could see the concern on Leslie’s face.

“They are safe; they should be safe. But Jane was being disciplined by Jake; he was spanking her for disobeying while in submissive role.”

Leslie scowled. “Wait. He was spanking her? And she let him? I don’t get this.”

“I’ve been spanked. By both of them.” My voice was low. “Once as discipline, by Jake. And once...” I hesitated, my voice almost a whisper.

“And once by Chase...at the club. The first time I saw him.”

Leslie’s scowl deepened. “Oh, Abby, you’ve been holding out on me. You never told me that. Was it hard? I mean, after Jake?”

I nodded.  “But I want to talk about Jane now, not what happened with Chase or Jake.” I took another swallow of coffee. At this rate, I’d be up all night again.

“Anyway, the spanking for discipline was apparently just like what her step-father did before he, well, did whatever he did. Jake didn’t go into details. He said she’d never gotten help for whatever happened. So she ran out and he never saw her again. She just vanished.”

Leslie let out a breath. “Wow. Heavy stuff. So what’s your reason for wanting to find Jane? Doesn’t what Jake told you sound like the whole story?”

“No. Or yes...or maybe it’s Jake’s version. I was so happy he’d finally let down his guard, let me in on why he’s so controlled all the time. He’s convinced he’d hurt Jane, that if somehow he’d have been less...aggressive...she’d have been okay.”

I was circling a phone number on my scratch pad. “Apparently their sessions were quite intense, on all levels. Jake wasn’t the restrained dominant I know.”

“So you think he’s a ticking time bomb? Like tie you to the bed and then go all wild on you?”

I shook my head. “No, not so much. Or if he did, I’d probably like it.” I felt myself blush.

“Chase is a lot like that. Not the tie-me-to-the-bed part...um, but the wild part. He’s quite...aggressive in his own way.” But he did tie you to a table. In public. Don’t forget that.

“Yeah, but why do you want to find Jane? Do you think she has answers you’re not getting from Jake?”

“I’m getting there. Chase knew Jane...or knows of Jane.” I waited. That was too big of a bombshell for Leslie to pass up. I was right. I cringed again. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.

“You’re kidding? Really? Like, from the club?” Smart girl.

“Actually it’s Chase’s office manager, or assistant manager, or assistant something, Stacy, who knew her. They worked at the same dance club. Stacy told Chase that Jane told her that Jake abused her, beat her and treated her badly. Something like that. Not quite what Jake told me.”

“Oh, man. So you’ve got two sides but you want it direct from the submissive’s mouth?” She leaned forward, a little too intense, a little too interested. This was what I wanted to avoid.

“I guess that’s it.” And it was, pretty cut and dried.

“So call Stacy. She must have Jane’s number, right?” Leslie sat back, sipping her coffee. I heard the chime of another incoming message. I tapped my mouse, bringing up an email from my boss, Burke.

“Well...I don’t know. I mean, Jake said Jane disappeared. Cell phone disconnected, family hadn’t heard from her. I don’t know that Stacy would know anything else, but she’s the only connection left I can think of.”

“So what are you waiting for? Call Stacy.” Leslie is pretty much straight to the point on things.

“I am...I will. But I don’t want to call the club if Chase is there. I feel like I’m checking his story or something.”

“You are! And you’re checking on Jake’s. You have a right to know the truth, don’t you? If you’re in doubt, you need to know, Abby.” Leslie reached across the desk, her hand resting on mine, squeezing it briefly.

“This has gone past just who you’re going to be fucking in the future. It kind of involves your safety in either relationship, doesn’t it?”

––––––––

The number I’d been circling on my notepad was the number to Chase’s club. I’d written it down in what seemed like an eternity ago, on the day Jake had said we’d gotten an invitation to the club. To Chase’s club. To a club he’d been to before, with Jane.

My mind went back to the conversations we’d had about visiting the club. How he’d heard that we’d need an invitation from the club’s owner in the first place.

How he’d had things in storage he needed to put in the tower room.

And his first message to me, on the dating site that brought us together.

I clicked open the dating website, risking bringing the Human Resources department down to my office for accessing a personal site...and a personal bondage dating site at that...on a company computer. But I didn’t care.

I clicked through to the first message Jake had sent me:

To: Venus247

From: Dom Meyers

‘Hello Venus247,

I saw your profile tonight and it interested me a great deal. If you’d like to chat, please reply. I’m new to this site, and new to the BDSM world as well. I get the sense you are too.

Dom Meyers’

There it was, in black and white. New to the BDSM world as well.

It wasn’t until now that I’d put all these pieces together. They didn’t fit. And it bothered me.

––––––––

Impulsively I dialed the number for Chase’s club. It’s Wednesday; the club is closed.

But the phone was answered on the first ring. By a female voice, a voice I recognized as Stacy’s.

The conversation was brief. I explained that I wanted to meet her. There was the briefest hesitation on Stacy’s end. I wasn’t sure if she was going to agree to see me.

“I finish up here at midnight. There’s an all-night diner on I-45 South. You can’t miss it. Big red sign on the right, just before the exchange. I’ll meet you there.”

––––––––

Stacy was at the diner before me, waiting in a booth at the very back. She had a breakfast platter in front of her: eggs, pancakes, sausage, hash browns, along with juice and coffee. I slid into the booth across from her.

“Hope you don’t mind that I ordered. I’m famished.” She tucked a forkful of pancake into her mouth.

“No, not at all. It’s fine.”

The waitress appeared and I ordered a decaf coffee and pie. I’d be up late anyway, no use compounding it with a caffeine jag. Stacy was watching me, her blue eyes intent.

“You want to talk about Chase?” She started working through the hash browns, waiting for my reply.

“Actually, no. I’d like to talk about someone else. Her name is Jane.” I waited for her reaction, not surprised that she had none. She wiped her mouth, took a drink of coffee.

“Jane? What do you want to know?” Her tone was neutral but I sensed tension behind the suddenly serious blue gaze.

“I was wondering if you could tell me about her and Jake...Jake Meyers. Chase told me that you knew her from working at the same dance club. I know she disappeared, had some trouble sometime back. I wondered if you could tell me a bit more about that.”

Stacy looked at me over the edge of her coffee cup. “Jane had a lot of problems. I think she tried to work them out by being a submissive or something. Can’t say that’s the best route to take when you have that kind of history, but we all do what we think is right, you know?”

I nodded, unsure as to what she meant exactly, but desperate for her to continue.

“But between you and I, I really think she chose the wrong guy to be her Dom. Jake was completely out of his league with her. Almost anyone would have been, really. She was a handful. A real lost soul with the kind of pain that you just don’t mess around with.” Stacy set down her cup, motioning to the waitress for a refill. She waited until the waitress had left our table before speaking again.

“Did Chase tell you that she had been abused?” Her question caught me off guard.

It occurred to me she didn’t know Jake was my Dom. I nodded. Close enough to the truth.

“He did something that sent her over the edge. She’d told me some of the things he’d done to her so I wasn’t all that surprised.” Stacy was studying me, watching my face closely.

“Abby, are you okay? You got real pale all of a sudden.”

I shook my head. “Yeah, I’m fine.” My voice sounded totally unconvincing, even to myself. I shrugged, fidgeted for a minute and then gave up trying to bluff my way through this.

“Jake is my Dom.” I met Stacy’s gaze, expecting some kind of negative reaction. She reached across the table, her hand on top of mine.

“Oh, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know that but you really need to rethink that decision.”

Stacy spent the next twenty minutes recalling every conversation she had with Jane about Jake. The more she talked, the harder it became to listen to all that she had to say. Nothing she said sounded anything like the Jake I knew. I finally held up my hands in protest, unable to stomach any more.

“Please...this isn’t...it can’t be true. Maybe it’s Jane’s version of the truth, but it can’t be right.” My head hurt. Stacy had described some very dark and intense things, things that made my heart thud uncomfortably in my chest, made me incredibly uncomfortable. Jake had said their sessions were intense, but what Stacy had just described seemed almost surreal.

I looked down at my pie, pushing the half-eaten bits around on my plate, my appetite suddenly gone.

“Well, you can always ask her yourself, if you want her side of the story.” I looked up, startled.

“I thought she’d disappeared, that no one knew where she was?”

“Yeah, she did, for a time. But she came back to the club not long ago. You’ve already seen her.”

“I have?” I was more confused now than ever.

“She was at the club the night Chase brought you there.”

I shook my head. I hadn’t met anyone named Jane. And I certainly didn’t think Chase would have introduced me to her.

“You watched her in a session.” Stacy tipped her head, her eyes bright.

“She was the woman on the St. Andrew’s cross.”

––––––––

The woman on the St. Andrews’ cross. The black-haired woman that was being whipped by a man named Martin. I’d watched her, watched the ecstasy blossom on her face as the whip bit into her skin, as the man cracked it higher and higher. I’d been so turned on by watching the scene that I’d practically begged for Chase to take me in the hall outside the session room. He’d given me exactly what I wanted, taken me upstairs, to a different room. We’d come together with such force, such incredible passion, it still took my breath away to think about it.

Stacy was still watching me. “You really got it bad for Chase, don’t you?”

I blinked, trying to keep from showing any emotion. But I’ve been told, repeatedly, that my thoughts and feelings are always clearly written across my face. I simply nodded.

“It’s complicated.”

Stacy laughed. “Most good things in life are.” She regarded me for a moment, as if weighing her next words carefully.

“He’s changed, you know...Chase has. Since he met you, I mean.”

Her statement confused me, caught me completely off guard. “How so?”

Stacy leaned forward, resting her arms on the table. “The weekend he went away, left me in charge of the club...he was with you?” I nodded. So did Stacy.

“Before that weekend, Chase brought a different woman with him nearly every night the club was open. But since then, he’s brought no one else until you. It really surprised me to see him change so much...so quickly. I’d been dying to meet the woman who finally tamed Chase Thomas.”

The smile on Stacy’s face was genuine, her voice earnest. “I’ve known Chase a long time. I know a bit about his past; he’s told me some. I guessed the rest. He’s not as good at keeping secrets as he thinks he is. At least not with me”

“I see.”  I replied nodding although I wasn’t sure exactly what I was agreeing to. Stacy’s words caught me off guard. The idea of Chase being such a womanizer stung my heart like a swarm of angry hornets. I suppose I was naive to think that someone as beautifully broken as Chase wouldn’t catch the attention of other women or that he wouldn’t perhaps take advantage of the fact that people are naturally drawn to him. Still, the idea that right up until he met me he had been with so many women was hard to swallow and I struggled to force the idea down my throat so that I could once again breathe.

“For as long as I’ve worked with Chase at the club... hell, even before that, he’s always had a revolving door on his bedroom. He’d bring women to his club, show them off, take them back to wherever he takes them and...before you know it, they’d be gone. Next night, a new girl, same routine. I felt sorry for some of them...they were pretty taken by him. Some knew the game though and played along and those that didn’t learned all too quickly that Chase wasn’t the kind of man that would let women fall in love with him.”

Stacy cocked her head again, considering me in the bright fluorescent light of the diner.

“But you...he was different with you from the minute I saw you two together. He treats you like you really mean something to him, not like just another girl that he’s hooking up with for the night. For one thing, he introduced me to you.”

Stacy pushed her empty plate away. “I like seeing him like this. You’re really good for him.”

I didn’t know what to say. There was a voice in the back of my mind telling me something wasn’t adding up here, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. Stacy interrupted my thoughts.

“How did you meet Chase?”

Hadn’t she seen me with Jake?

I thought back to that night we first met, when Jake had brought me to the club. I didn’t remember seeing Stacy. But I’d been so focused and incredibly nervous on being in a submissive role with Jake, then meeting Chase for the first time and the prospect of a public session with a stranger, I could have missed seeing almost anyone.

“I first came to the club with Jake, as his submissive. Chase...did some rope work with me in a session.” I wasn’t sure how far to go into detail with Stacy. I figured she would get the general idea without me having to spell it out.

It was her turn for her eyes to go wide. “You’re that woman?”

I scowled. “What ‘woman’?”

Stacy burst into sudden laughter. “You have a reputation. I only heard about the session after it was done. I didn’t get to actually see it.  Chase had asked me to keep an eye on the club that night, that he had guests that he wanted to spend time with.  So, I was back in the private rooms with our regular clients. I had heard later that Chase had a wild session and that it was just amazing.”

My frown must have deepened. I wasn’t sure where this was going.

“It’s okay. Don’t look so shocked. It’s just that every once in a while a session gains a kind of mythic status...yours is one of them. And especially if Chase is involved. He doesn’t do many sessions anymore. I’d heard he’d done some fantastic knot work and your reaction; well...it was pretty intense by all accounts. You went off somewhere we all wish we could go. I’m sorry I missed it.”

I felt a flush creeping up my cheeks. I knew darned well the session was public, but I’d been so focused on Chase and his knots I’d almost forgotten I had an audience.

Stacy gave me a sympathetic smile. “Don’t worry...it’s okay. It’s what we want to have happen in the club...it’s good for business.”

The waitress arrived with the checks. “Sorry if that sounded a little cold...I get into business mode sometimes without thinking of how it comes across. But the energy from a session like that just buzzes through the whole place. You know; I was there when you saw Jane and you had quite a reaction.”

I blushed again.

She winked. “It’s okay, it’s all so intense. Not exactly something you experience every day, you know?” With one quick gesture, she grabbed both checks.

––––––––

Stacy had given me a number where I could try to reach Jane. I gave it a day, thinking about what I wanted to say to her so that I didn’t sound like a maniac or scare her off. It was after dinner when I finally punched the number into the phone, my heart beating in an erratic little dance in my chest.

The phone rang for a long time and I realized there probably wasn’t going to be any voice mail system that would allow me to leave a message. I sighed. This wasn’t going to be easy.

Just as I was about to hang up the ringing stopped. I wasn’t sure if a machine picked up, the phone had disconnected or if someone had answered.

“Hello?” There was a groggy female voice on the other end.

“I’m sorry to bother you. I’m looking for Jane?” You don’t even know her last name, Abby.

“Who the hell is this? If you’re a telemarketer, I’ve got a police whistle here and I’m not afraid to use it.” The voice had lost its groggy tone; it sounded more like an angry bear someone woke up early from hibernation.

“My name is Abby Phillips. You don’t know me...”

“You’re damned right I don’t know you. And I’m not buying anything you’re selling.”

I knew she was going to hang up any moment and in desperation I shouted, “I’m Jake Meyers’ submissive, so please don’t hang up!”

There was silence on the other end of the line. I thought I’d lost her but I finally heard a muttered sigh...or a quiet curse.

“What do you want?” I heard the sound of a match, then a long exhale.

“I wanted...I was hoping I could meet you, talk to you about...well, Jake.” Smooth. Well planned, Abby.

There was a snort of laughter on the other end, followed by another long whoosh of breath. I could almost smell the cigarette smoke through the receiver.

“Is he being a bad Dom?” There was another laugh, just as unpleasant. “Yeah, okay. I’ll meet you. Only because I’m curious to see who Jake’s with now.”

Jane gave me an address, a small bar in a rundown neighborhood a long way from my apartment. She said she’d be there at some time around ten o’clock, when her shift started.

“If I remember, I’ll try to be there a little early. But don’t count on it.” The line went dead.

Why do all these people stay up all night?  I tried to take a nap, but I was too restless to actually sleep. I finally gave up, changed into jeans and a simple t-shirt and drove to the address Jane had given me.

The bar was on a long block lined with other sleazy bars, a dance club and, incongruously, a church. Well, maybe they need some place to go on Sunday that’s still in the neighborhood.

I pushed open the heavy wooden door. Even though there’s no smoking in bars anymore, I still felt the accumulated nicotine from decades of cigarette smoke immediately coat my skin.

The bar was dim, barely lit by the neon lights of the back bar and a faded, flickering beer sign near the door with one ‘e’ missing. There was no pool table, just a long bar and a few small tables scattered in the remaining open space.

A few heads turned my way, giving me a once over as I made my way into the bar. I knew Jane had black hair, but I wasn’t sure I’d recognize her face. I peered down the length of the bar, finally seeing a dark-haired woman seated on the last barstool, elbow on the bar, nursing a drink.

She barely looked up at me as I sat down but she did straighten up on the stool.

“So, you’re Jake’s new sub. Not what I would have pictured, but then again, who knows what his latest kink is.”

I watched as she drummed her fingers on the bar, fiddling with a book of matches. I was nervous meeting her but I suspected her nerves stemmed from a strong desire for a cigarette.

“You want to know about Jake? What my time with him was like?” She motioned to the bartender, who ambled down, refilling Jane’s drink. He cocked an eyebrow at me and I pointed to Jane’s glass. He nodded and wandered down the bar, eventually returning with a glass of what I hoped was soda. I took an experimental sip; it was.

“I guess I’m trying to understand what went wrong...” Jane’s snort of laughter cut me off.

“What went wrong? Start with when I my mother married that son of a bitch, Jim. That’s where it all went wrong.” Jane swiveled on the bar stool, meeting my eyes for the first time. I saw how red-rimmed they were, dark smudges on the pale skin beneath dark blue eyes.

She waved a finger at me. “But you’re here about Jake, not me. I get the picture.” She turned back to the bar, almost inhaling her drink.

“I have my own set of problems. I’m sure enough people have told you about them so I won’t bore you with the details. Let’s just say, I’m messed up in more ways than one and it’s not something that anyone can fix.”

She ran a hand through her hair, pushing it back from her face. “I had another Dom once. His name is Nick. Really nice guy. Understood me like no one else ever did, before or since. Knew exactly what I needed, how to give it to me, when to stop.” Her voice had gone soft, almost dreamy.

“We were so good together. But then, his wife got a job in a different city and he had to move. I understood, although it tore my heart out.” She spun the matchbook on the bar, watching with disinterest as it skidded off the edge, onto the floor.

“I found Jake...gentle, kind Jake. Or so I thought. You know, he looks like Nick. Maybe that’s what I liked, same dark hair, pretty boy type.” She looked at me, her eyes suddenly alive with a flame of inner fire.

“But you know, you’re his sub. You know exactly what he’s like. He flashes you a quick, dirty smile, turns on the charm and you do exactly as you’re told. And you love every minute of it, right?”

She was right, more or less, but I wasn’t sure answering her would be a good idea so I took a sip of my watered-down tepid soda.

“So we start, you know, slow. Real slow. I have a bit of experience. He has none. So I lead the way. Jake’s wants to learn everything he can, and he does. It was good, in the beginning. But I think he lost control one time too many and it frightened him. Frightened men are desperate men. And I think he viewed me as a project, something to salvage...reclamation. Told me he loved me.” That snort of laughter again.

“Like I needed to hear that. I’m not meant to be loved. I’m meant to be used. But Jake’s such a romantic, or a fool. Anyway, I wanted him to be my dominant, nothing more...I couldn’t handle more.” She played with her empty soda glass. I feared it would follow the matchbook to the floor.

“I bullied him, I guess, made him do things he probably wouldn’t have done. Say things he never would have said. Told him I’d leave if he didn’t. I tried to make things better in here...” she tapped her head “...by making it hard for Jake.”

She turned, her eyes searching mine. “You understand? I used him. Like I wanted to be used...needed to be used. But Jake’s not a ‘user’. And I’m not salvageable.”

She stared off down the bar, watching the bartender as he leaned on the bar, talking with a customer.

“He’s got such a nice ass. But he’s gay...too bad.” She sighed.

“Anyway, one night with Jake, I showed up high on something, or drunk. I don’t remember. I’d been that way before and he either didn’t know or didn’t care. He had me on the bed and I said something...something stupid.” There was a pause.

“I broke the house rules.”

I saw a tiny shiver run through her body. Her voice dropped to a whisper.

“He took me down to the other end of the room, said I needed to be punished. That he was going to spank me. At the first touch of his hand on my skin, it wasn’t Jake anymore; it was my step-dad, Jim. It was that bastard, with his greasy hands on me.”

She went silent. I waited, not sure where this was going, not sure I wanted to know.

“Something broke inside me then, something fragile; maybe the last piece of my sanity. Jake broke it, but I let him, didn’t stop him.”

She straightened up so suddenly she made me flinch, the glass wobbling on the bar. I reached out and steadied it.

“So I left, grabbed my clothes out of the bathroom, got in my car and drove away, wearing just my t-shirt. I had to stop a couple blocks away, get out of the car and finish getting dressed. I never went back. And the prick never came looking for me, so I figured it was what he wanted too.”

Jane turned to me again, riveting me with those red-rimmed eyes. “And you know the worst thing?  The bastard never came looking for me. I figured it was what he wanted, too.” She leaned on her elbows as if the details of the story had exhausted her.

“So, does that satisfy your curiosity? Got the information you needed?”

“I only wanted the truth.” My voice was low, like I was speaking to a frightened animal, or a frightened child.

“The truth? I used Jake. He either didn’t care or cared too much. Either way it didn’t work out. What I wanted...needed...he couldn’t give me. Some things just can’t be fixed, no matter how badly you want them to be. I’m one of those things.”

The bartender suddenly called Jane’s name. She waved him off, sliding off the barstool.

“Look, I have to go to work. Whatever you’re looking for, I hope you find it. Because I’m never going to see you again, okay? This was a one-time deal.”

She disappeared behind the bar, pulling a dirty apron from behind the counter, tying it around her hips. She turned back, looking at me as if seeing me for the first time.

“You were there, the other night. I saw you. And I saw you when Chase bound you. You were that screaming bitch that got everyone all excited.” She made an unpleasant sound, somewhere between a cough and a laugh.

“I didn’t realize. Huh...Jake with you.” She turned away, then looked back over her shoulder.

“Better you than me.” She walked away without looking back, leaving me struggling to breathe.

––––––––

The next couple of days all blended together in one long blur. I was sleep-deprived, restless, a disastrous combination. I wanted resolution but didn’t know what that resolution should be. I still had questions, still wanted answers...from both men. But my body and mind were exhausted. I wanted to put everything into perspective before I sought out either Chase or Jake.

Jane wasn’t what I expected. Not by a long shot. She was rough and brash and a deeply troubled young woman. In my mind, there was no way I could reconcile the woman I met with the Jake I knew. But then I hadn’t known Jake all that long.

I’d made up my mind that when I got home from work on Friday, I’d call Jake, to see him. There were inconsistencies in what he’d told me, things that didn’t make sense...things that upset me to think about.

More than anything, I wanted Jake to tell me I misunderstood him...or Jane...or have a simple explanation that made everything make sense. That would clear up this infernal confusion I felt.

When Jake answered the phone, when I heard his husky voice, my mouth went dry. It took me two tries to say hello.

“It’s good to hear from you, Abby. You don’t know how much I’ve missed you.” I could hear the longing in his voice.

“I miss you too, Jake. I’d like to see you, just to talk.”

“Just talk? This sounds serious.” He was trying hard to keep his voice light but I could hear the tension behind the words.

“There are some things I want to ask about, that I’m confused about...things that don’t make sense.” I hesitated, not wanting to mention Jane, helpless not to.

“It’s about Jane...about your time with her.”

There was silence on the other end of the line. Then I heard Jake sigh.

“We’ve been through this, haven’t we, Abby? I don’t know what else I can tell you. But I’ll be home in an hour.”

––––––––

Jake was waiting beneath the portico, in white shirt and dress slacks, his tie gone. I was used to seeing him like this, home after work, but the relaxed sexiness I had come to expect was gone, replaced with a tense wariness. He brushed his lips across my cheek, the warmth of his hand briefly on my back.

I was curious which door he’d lead me through; up to the tower room, where we’d had our session, or into the main house. My guess was on the tower, but he surprised me, taking me to the small room where he’d given me the massage, the room where we first made love, on a big rug in front of the fire.

The rug was still there but there was no fire burning tonight. There were no candles or scented oil.

“Can I get you something to drink? Soda, wine?”

Jake had picked up a glass from the coffee table, bourbon by the color and smell.

I nodded. “Wine would be nice.”

I stood by the windows, looking out over the broad expanse of well-manicured lawn, the trees casting long shadows in the twilight. I felt Jake brush against me and I turned, taking the glass of wine he held.

“How have you been, Abby? I’ve missed you...missed our sessions.”

“I’ve missed our sessions too, Jake. And I miss you.”

“Then why aren’t we together?” He was watching me closely.

“You’re still seeing Chase, aren’t you?”

I shook my head. “I didn’t come here to talk about Chase.”

Jake looked at me for a long time, finally taking a swallow of his drink. “Right. You wanted to talk about Jane. I guess Chase is a forbidden subject between us.”

I turned from the window, walking past Jake, sitting down on the sofa. “Talking about Chase with you...doesn’t help me. That’s not why I’m here.”

Jake stood by the windows a moment longer before sitting down on the other end of the sofa.

“Okay. You said you had questions. What do you want to know? What more can I tell you? Being with Jane...having her leave...was one of the hardest things I’ve gone through. But I’ll go through it all again, if it helps you, Abby. If it gets us out of this limbo and gets Chase Mitchell out of your life.”

“Jake, all I’m asking for is the truth. Honesty.”

“I gave you that. I told you everything.” He tossed back the rest of his drink, emptying the glass.

I took a deep breath; it was now or never. “Jake, I talked to Jane.”

There was a long moment of silence. I watched Jake’s face, watched the emotions play across is beautiful features: shock, confusion...finally resolving into anger.

In one startling movement, he flung his empty glass into the fireplace. It exploded in a shower of crystal shards. I tensed on the couch, holding my breath, afraid to move.

He finally turned to me, his blue eyes like ice. I felt goose bumps rise on my arms.

“You talked to Jane?” His voice was cold.

“How did you find her?”

My voice was shaking. I swallowed, struggling for control. “Someone at Chase’s club knew who she was...how to find her. She’s never left Houston. She’s been here the entire time, working at a bar on 12^th Street.” I went on before I lost confidence.

“She said you never tried to find her.”

He stood, walking to the windows, resting one hand on the glass, not looking at me. “And you believe her? You believe Jane?”

“Jake, did you look for her? Or did you just tell me that because it’s what you thought I’d want to hear?”

His fingers tapped sharply against the glass. I looked at the shards of crystal on the carpet, winking in the dim light. There was a long pause before he spoke, his voice hollow.

“I didn’t look for her.” He turned away from the darkening window, looking at me, pain in his eyes. “I didn’t want to find her.

“I didn’t care.”

I realized I’d been holding my breath. “You could have told me that, Jake. It would have been the truth. Don’t you think, after all we’ve gone through, that you could have told me the truth? Nothing else matters but the truth.” I didn’t recognize my own voice; it had gone high and thin.

“Abby, when I told you about Jane, all I could think about was losing you, the way I’d lost her. If I had told you everything...that I hadn’t bothered to look for her...admit that I didn’t care enough about her to go look for her...it would have driven you away. I’d hurt you with what that revelation.”

He sank into in the leather chair by the fireplace, the anger draining out of him, elbows on his knees, running his hands through his hair.

“I’m losing you anyway, now that you know the truth.” His voice was muffled, his head down.

I left the couch, kneeling next to his chair, resting my hands on his knee. I felt the tension in his body. “No, you can’t lose me with the truth.

“But you can lose me if you’re not honest.”

He lifted his head, meeting my gaze, reaching out to touch my face. I flinched and he pulled his hand back.

“And now I’ve scared you.” He shook his head. “This is why I try so hard to control my emotions, my anger. I lose control and things get destroyed...people get hurt.”

“Jake, this is hard, for both of us. It’s been a long time since you’ve thought about Jane, and everything that happened with her. And then I make you bring all that back to the surface...it has to be hard to deal with. I can’t blame you for how you feel, your emotional reaction to things. They’re part of who you are.” I reached out slowly, touching the back of his hand.

“But you have to know why I’ve done this, don’t you? It’s not just on a whim. I think you know ... I hope you do...how important this is to our relationship.”

Jake nodded, his fingers softly tracing patterns across the back of my hand.

“I know. I understand. That doesn’t mean it’s easy.” His voice was soft, eyes downcast.

“This isn’t how I expected our relationship to turn out.” I laughed, a faint sound in the quiet room. Jake looked up, gave me a puzzled look.

“I thought being a submissive was going to be the complicated part. That was the relationship I was having a hard time wrapping my head around. Compared to what’s happening with me...with us now...that was the easy part.”

Jake returned my smile, taking my hand. I let him hold my fingers to his lips, let him kiss each one.

“What can I say? You can’t help who you fall in love with. I think I fell in love with you the first time I saw you.”

His smiled deepened, reaching his eyes, the sadness and pain retreating for a moment. “At the bar, the night we first met. The minute you walked in, I was awestruck, frozen where I stood, just looking at you. You took my breath away. And you almost got away before I managed to get control of myself.

“It took me seeing you with Chase to know the depth of that feeling, how much you meant to me. How much I loved you. And how much I stood to lose. But it’s too late now, isn’t it? To get back to that place?”

I shook my head. “Jake, I don’t know. Truly. Everything inside of me is so confused, nothing makes any sense some days. I love you, but...” I didn’t need to finish the thought; he knew I meant Chase. Knew that Chase loved me and I’d fallen in love with Chase as well.

“I do love you, Jake. We wouldn’t be here if I didn’t. Everything just got out of control.”

My fear had receded. The Jake I knew, warm, gentle Jake, was in front of me, his eyes searching my face. He leaned down, kissing me softly.

The touch of his lips sent a thrill through me. I wanted the comfort of his arms, the security I felt with him. Even for a moment, even if it might be the last time.

I made a tiny noise, somewhere between a whimper and a moan. Jake broke our kiss, standing, pulling me gently up from the floor. He wrapped his arms around me, holding me against his chest.

“Stay with me tonight, Abby. Please. I want you so badly, even if I’m...if this isn’t the relationship you want. Let me have one more night with you...please.”

The need was evident in Jake’s voice and in his eyes. And it was in me as well.

I pulled him to me, holding his face in my hands.

“Yes. I’ll stay. For tonight.”

Jake took me upstairs to his bedroom, where he’d first told me he loved me, where he’d first broken the rules he’d established for our dominant submissive relationship.

He turned on a small lamp, casting the room in a soft glow. He turned to me, pulling me against him again, his kiss tentative, his lips seeking answers to questions I couldn’t provide.

My fingers found the buttons on his shirt, undoing them slowly, my hands sliding beneath the soft material, fingers on his skin. The warmth of his body, his scent...that deeply masculine scent that belonged to him and him alone, washed over me. I closed my eyes, breathing deeply, the familiar sense of security washing over me.

Jake held my face briefly, looking down at me. “You’re so beautiful,” he murmured. “You take my breath away...still. Always. I love you, Abby.”

His kiss was passionate, urgent, no longer questioning but claiming my mouth. I opened up to him, our tongues meeting, dancing, exciting me, starting a fire deep within me.

Jake’s hands moved down my shoulders, sliding slowly down to undo the buttons on my blouse. I broke our kiss, watching as he slid the fabric away from my body, his hands moving over my breasts. I moaned softly, an answering sound coming from Jake.

I met his eyes, the depths of his passion reflecting mine. I wanted him then, desperately, wanted his strength, his solidness like an anchor in this storm I’d put us all in.

“Jake...I love you, too.” It was that simple. And in that moment, very clear.

Our hands worked feverishly then, pulling at buttons and zippers, clothes dropping to the floor. I looked down, watching Jake’s hands as they squeezed my breasts, sending waves of heat that coalesced deep inside me, a resounding thump of arousal making me gasp with pleasure.

“Oh, Jake...I’ve missed this.”

“I’ve missed this, too...and you, Abby. It’s been so hard without you.” His mouth came down on mine again, all of our pent up longing expressed in that kiss.

His body was pressed against mine, his erection against my stomach, hard and insistent. I wrapped my fingers around him, stroking him slowly as he thrust his hips forward against my hand. I felt him moan against my mouth, the sound full of the longing I felt as well.

We moved together to the bed, not letting go of each other. I felt the mattress against the backs of my legs, Jake wrapping an arm around my back as he lowered me gently to the bed.

There was no hesitation between us then. We moved together as one, our bodies melding, swirling together, exploring each other as if for the first time, reveling in what seemed like uncharted territory.

Finally Jake entered me, filling me completely, sliding himself gently into my body. I accepted him the same way, letting our bodies learn again what this coming together felt like.

He held himself still inside me, both of us savoring the pleasure of just being together, of being connected again. I watched his face, felt the emotion flowing between us, his eyes mirrors of mine.

Jake began moving, slowly, the delicious friction of him sliding against of me building to a rapid crescendo. We were locked together, riding out the waves of passion and pleasure that coursed through our bodies, coming together, sharing the experience until the very end.

He held me then, wrapped in his arms, against his chest. I fell deeply asleep listening to Jake breathing, to the sound of his heartbeat, secure and safe.

I woke sometime during the night. Jake was turned away from me, clutching a pillow to his chest. I watched him sleep, the light from the moon casting silver shadows over his face.

Curled against his back, I felt the gentle movement of his body in sleep. I slipped my arm around his chest, sliding it beneath the pillow. In his sleep, he pushed the pillow away, holding my hand, murmuring something that sounded like my name.

I drifted back to sleep, wondering what I’d just done. I loved Jake. But was that enough.

––––––––

I’d come back from a long-overdue trip to the store late Saturday afternoon, laden with cat food and treats for the Big Guy to try to quell the guilt I felt for ignoring the cat, to find a message from Chase on my answering machine. He wanted to know how I was...and, as usual, where I was...and would I call him.

I thought about it for a long time. My skin still tingled from being with Jake, the memory of his body against mine. My body’s response.

But there were things I needed to know from Chase, questions I wanted answered. I felt like I was going into battle. And I didn’t like that feeling.

The phone rang several times before a breathless Chase answered.

“Did I catch you at a bad time?”

“Hell no, you could never catch me at a bad time. Just got out of the shower. I’m naked, dripping water all over the bedroom floor.”

In spite of myself, I pictured Chase sans clothes, his skin glistening, hair damp. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and tried unsuccessfully to banish the image from my mind.

“I got your message.”  My voice sounded breathy.

“I want to see you, but I wasn’t sure if you wanted to see me. I’m trying to give you space here.” His voice was low, that honeyed voice that did things to me.

“But I miss you, Abby. I miss you very much.”

“I know.”

There was a pause and when Chase spoke his voice had a different tone. There was an edge to it...the one that I’d come to realize meant that he was angry.

“Stacy said you and she had a little meeting. She wouldn’t tell me what you talked about, said she wasn’t playing middle man in my affairs.” He made a sound that could have been a laugh or sound of disgust.

“I’d like to know what you talked about, if it concerns you and me.” His voice was tense.

“I want to see you, Chase. When?” My voice was choked with emotion. I missed Chase, his warm smile, his arms around me. I closed my eyes again, overcome with longing, and the confusion that seemed a perpetual part of my life now.

 “You can come to the condo right now. Stacy can handle the club tonight. You’re more important to me at this point. You know that.”

––––––––

On the drive to Chase’s condo I tried to get my emotions under control. I knew, if he touched me, all I’d want to do would be to fall into that abyss with him, to try to forget the confusion in my head and the pain in my heart by the sheer physical intensity of sex with Chase.

Spending the night with Jake may have been a mistake. I lost all objectivity, again, my emotions tangled...cloudy...when sex got involved. It was so easy to forget one when I was with the other. Each of them drew me, each in such vastly different ways, both with a force I found hard to resist.

But I’m not cut out for this kind of emotional tug of war. And neither man was willing to share me. Something had to change; I had to make a decision.

Because deep down I knew neither would wait forever for me to make my choice.

But I needed to see Chase, if for no other reason than to see him one last time. I owed him that much.

Chase met me at the door, dressed in jeans and a black t-shirt, his hair still damp. I longed to run my fingers through his hair, feel his arms around me. He reached for me, but I moved away.

“No, Chase. Not yet.”

“Why? Can’t I even kiss you?” He frowned at me.

“What the hell, Abby? Am I suddenly a pariah?” He turned away, running his hands through his hair. He strode across the living room, pacing in front of the windows, the lights of the city spread out behind him.

I followed him hesitantly, aching for his touch. Instead, I sat on one of the big cream sofas.

“Chase, please. Sit with me. I want to talk.”

He stood for a moment, facing the windows before sitting down next to me. He blew out a breath, turning to face me.

“So it’s like this now? We’re going to have a civilized conversation, you’re going to tell me we’re through but we can still be friends?”

“Yes...I mean, no. Yes, we’re going to have a civilized conversation; no, I didn’t come here to tell you we’re through.” I shook my head. Did I come here to tell him that?

“Please don’t make this harder than it needs to be. I want to ask you a question and I want an honest answer.”

Chase raised an eyebrow. “I’ve been honest with you. Ask anything you want; I’ve got nothing left to hide.”

I took a deep breath. “Have you been seeing other women while you were with me? I mean, after the first time at the club?”

Chase’s mouth was a thin, tight line. I knew he was angry but there was no stopping me now.

“Stacy said you’d have a different woman at the club every night.”

“It’s interesting what Stacy decides to say these days.” He passed a hand over his eyes.

“Yes, Abby. There have been other women. There were others after you came to the club with Jake, after you came back by yourself...there have been a lot of women.”

His eyes were intense, focused on mine. “But not since the weekend we went to Paradise Ranch...not since the night I told you I wanted you with me.”

He spread his hands on his thighs. “You think I’ve been cheating on you? Is that where this is headed?”

“I don’t know, Chase. I’m trying to find answers. I’m so confused. And it’s hard.”

I took a deep breath. “You didn’t think I should know? Or you just didn’t want to tell me?”

His sudden laughter caught me off guard. “Abby, I’m trying real hard to be patient here. But considering the situation, you’re going to cross a line with me.”

Chase stood, pacing again. “You were seeing Jake while you were seeing me, remember? I don’t think there’s really any difference in our situations, do you?”

I frowned up at him, a tiny flame of anger blossoming in my chest. “Yes, I do. I wasn’t in a relationship with Jake, he is...was...my Dom. You knew that. And that’s different. But you called me ...just like you’d have called any other woman who caught your eye at the club. Isn’t that how it happens?”

He shook his head. “Don’t attribute thoughts to me that I didn’t have. Don’t think for me, Abby, ever.

“I called you for one reason. I was...fascinated...obsessed, I guess, with you, from the moment I saw you. And what happened between us during that session at the club, well, if it was intense for you, think what it was like for me.”

I frowned. Chase had told me in great detail how intense it had been for him, binding me in the soft white ropes, tying the intricate knots, how much he had enjoyed that part of our session. But he’d never told me anything beyond that, about how the session ended, about having sex. And that night, I had been so focused on Jake after the session, and so exhausted, I hadn’t registered anything else.

He stopped pacing, standing in front of me. I looked up at him, saw he was breathing hard.

“Abby, do you know what it was like, being there with you, knowing that I was the one who made it possible for you to experience all that? I don’t say that to brag, but I do say it as the humble guy who seemed to get it all right for you, to send you someplace I wished I could have followed. As a Dom, it was the most intense session I’d ever had. It’s what that type of relationship is all about...giving someone so much in return for what they give me.”

Chase crouched down in from of me, taking my hands.

“As a man, experiencing that with a beautiful woman...with you, Abby, it was beyond description. From that moment, I knew I wanted you.”

He looked down at his big hands holding mine. There was a moment of hesitation and then he let go, standing,  his long legs striding across the room again. Pacing like a caged animal.

“And it only got worse...or better...or more intense, I guess, the more I saw you. And truth be told, it scared the hell out of me. Still does.” He took a deep breath, letting it out slowly.

“It’s like Mandy, all over again. Only ten times worse.”

Chase finally stopped in front of the window, looking down on the city below him. There was a long pause; his voice was low when he spoke.

“My first reaction, when things scare me...things I can’t control, like my feelings...is to either drink myself stupid, or find a woman. I’m past the drinking, for the most part. But the women...well, they’re harder to give up.”

He turned back, watching me a moment before coming to sit next to me on the couch.

“There have been women, Abby. I slept with them. Do I regret it? Yeah, I do. I’m not proud of how I acted. And I regret not telling you.”

We sat for a moment, before Chase turned to me. There was a look on his face, something I’d never seen before. Doubt, maybe? In himself, or me, I couldn’t tell.

“I’m being honest, Abby, as honest as I know how to be. No one has asked that of me, for a long time. But I need to know from you, if you’re going question me, question us...this...what does that say? About the trust between us? About your trust in me?”

“Do you trust me, Abby?”

In the moment I hesitated before answering, I saw something flash in Chase’s eyes. Resignation, loss...sadness. I dropped my eyes.

“I don’t know, Chase.” My voice was barely a whisper. “I don’t know how to think about this. And it scares me too.”

Chase reached over, taking my hand, rubbing my knuckles with his thumb. I could feel the calluses on his hands, the rough parts from being on the ranch, the soft parts that spoke of something else.

“For what it’s worth, however this ends, I think I’m a better man for having known you.” He leaned over, kissing my cheek.

I smiled. “Stacy said the same thing. You’d changed. She likes the new you.”

We sat for a minute, holding hands. I felt a welling sadness in my chest, like I was losing something valuable, that it was slipping away as I watched it go.

“Chase, you have to know how hard this is for me.”

He squeezed my hand. “I do. But you have to know it’s hard for me too. And to not have you trust me cuts like a knife. I’d lay my life on the line for you. You have to know that. I made mistakes. Hell, I’ll probably be making mistakes for the rest of my life.”

Chase stood, pacing again, unable to stand still. “I’m only human, Abby. You can’t expect me to be perfect.”

“I’m not expecting you to be perfect. I wanted honesty, not perfection. That’s all.”

Chase threw up his hands. “I’ve been trying to be honest with you, as best I can. I’ll fight for you, Abby. But I won’t do battle with you over this relationship.”

The anger I’d felt earlier came back, blooming hot and heavy in my chest.

“Do you think I’m doing all this on purpose to make it hard for you? That I enjoy this?” I stood, my face flushed.

“Because I don’t. I don’t want this...I didn’t ask for this.” I spread my hands, breathing hard.

The edge was back in Chase’s voice when he spoke, flinging the words at me. “Don’t want this...or don’t want me?”

He took two quick steps toward me, grabbing my arms, pushing me against the wall. Something close by fell to the floor. I felt his fingers tense against my skin.

“Because I want you, Abby, more than I’ve wanted any woman, ever. I want a relationship with you, not just for an occasional fuck in my bed or a roll in the hay. And I’m willing to work at that, to earn your trust, whatever I need to do. You have to know that. But you can’t hold my past against me going into the future. That’s not fair.”

Chase was breathing as hard as I was, his face close to mine. I could feel the heat of from his body, feel the tension, his fingers digging into my arms.

“Chase...please. You’re...”

“I’m hurting you? Yeah. I know. I want to get it through your head how important this is, that I think you’re about to throw something away that you really don’t want to...that I really don’t want you to.

“I love you, Abby. I want you. But I can’t force you to make a choice. I can’t...as much as I want to. But I can show you what’s good between us, what does work.”

His mouth was consuming me, his lips crushing mine against my teeth. I struggled in his grasp, desire and anger fighting for control. For the moment, anger won. I twisted my head, tearing my lips from Chase’s.

“Please...this isn’t...I don’t want...” But I did want, badly. And Chase knew that.

I was breathless, looking up at Chase, the intensity of his gaze startling me...and stoking that fire that burned deep inside me.

“Abby...” Chase’s voice was rough with anger or longing, I couldn’t tell. He buried his face in my neck, his fingers loosening their grip on my arms but his body still pinning me against the wall.

I wrapped my arms around him, my face against his neck. His pulse beat against my lips, hard and fast, matching my own.

His arms slid roughly down my body, cupping my ass, holding me while he pressed himself against my body, his arousal impossible to ignore.

As was mine; there was nothing I could do but give in. I pulled away from him, seeking his mouth with mine, my kiss as blistering as his had been.

He spun me away from the wall, walking me backward until I hit the edge of the couch. I sat down hard and we came apart briefly as I twisted beneath him, until he was lying on top of me, the length of his body touching mine, pressing his hips into me, mine rising up to meet him.

I ran my hands through his hair, holding him hard against my mouth. His tongue skated along my lower lip and I opened my mouth to him, pulling and sucking his lips and then, biting down on his lower lip. I tasted blood but it only fueled my desire.

Chase pulled away from me, running a finger along his lip. He looked at the blood and then down at me, his eyes dark.

“And who’s hurting who now, Abby?”

I had no chance to answer and I suspect Chase wasn’t interested in one anyway. Our hands were frantically pulling at clothes, Chase undoing enough buttons on my blouse to expose the tops of my breasts, pulling my bra down roughly so he could pull one nipple to his mouth. I stopped tugging at his t-shirt, gasping as his lips tugged at me.

There was a rush of heat through my body as he sucked hard. Then there was a flash of pain as I felt his teeth nip my tender skin. I cried out and Chase lifted his head, his lips curved into a dark smile that held little warmth.

“Had enough?” His eyes were lit with an intensity that matched my own.

“No...have you?” I grabbed the front of his t-shirt with both hands, ripping it down the front, my hands sliding over his chest, around his back, raking my nails over his skin. I saw him wince and it sent a bolt of something dark through me, rocking me to the core.

“Now, Chase...now!” My voice was low, no longer breathless, but demanding.

“This isn’t going to be pretty, Abby. I hope you know that.”

Chase abruptly sat back on his knees, yanking down the zipper on my jeans, while I undid the buttons on his with trembling fingers. I lifted my hips as Chase grabbed two handfuls of denim, stripping my pants down my legs, tossing them on the floor. With little ceremony, he shoved his jeans down his hips far enough to free his cock, before pinning me to the couch again with his body.

It wasn’t pretty; Chase was right. It was brutal and hard and fast. We were both breathing heavily, Chase grunting, me making noises I’d never heard myself make. There was nothing about this coming together that seemed like it was anything but us taking from each other, the collision of two people intent on the satisfaction of animal needs.

But it was so consuming, in its aggressive way...so overwhelmingly right at that moment. As brutal and primal and out of control as we were, it united us on some level I didn’t understand, connected me with Chase, somewhere deep and dark. And that scared me...it scared the hell out of me.

When we were done, when I’d come so hard I thought I’d shatter, after Chase had almost pushed me off the couch as he sought his release, we lay in a sweaty tangled heap, trying to catch our breath.

I finally pushed myself away from Chase, sitting up to button my shirt, searching the floor for my jeans. He sat on the other end of the couch, his face flushed, hair damp from our encounter.

“What are we doing to each other, Abby? Why do we keep doing this?” He watched me struggle into my jeans, my hands shaking as I fastened the snap.

I sat on the edge of the coffee table, pushing my hair out of my eyes, looking down at my hands, clutching them together to try to stop them from trembling.

“I don’t know. I really don’t.” I took a ragged breath. “I’m not sure I can keep doing it, Chase.” There was a moment of quiet in the room.

“Do you love me, Abby?” Chase’s voice was low, questioning.

I looked up, meeting his eyes. “Yes. I love you, Chase. I do...probably more than is good for me...for you.” My voice broke.

“Come here.” His voice was soft and he held out his hand, an open invitation. I hesitated and then I saw the hurt in his eyes, hurt that mirrored mine. And that undid the tears. I crawled up on the couch and Chase wrapped his arms around me, holding me while I cried against his torn shirt.

“What we do to each other, Abby, what we do. Love shouldn’t be this hard, should it?”

––––––––

I left Chase feeling betrayed...by myself. I hadn’t wanted to give in to myself, to the overwhelming attraction I have for Chase. But it’s so damned hard. He’d told me once he was irresistible and he’s right.

But as confused as I still was, each man had a claim on my heart. And each claim was tearing me to pieces.

 I spent Sunday in bed, trying to sleep, convincing myself I needed to recharge instead of admitting what I really was doing... burying my head under the covers, trying to escape the swirling emotions inside of me. Trying to avoid the whole situation. Denial can be the perfect dominant, if you give yourself over to it completely. I couldn’t.

The following week began badly and went downhill quickly. Burke called me into a meeting Monday morning, asking for updates on all my clients, something he’d never done before. Afterward, in my office, I had the nagging sense I was in trouble, although he’d never said there was anything wrong. I’d spent the rest of that day working on proposals and dealing with emails.

Later in the week Burke called another meeting, this time telling me one of my clients had requested a new account manager within the company. I was stunned. I’d never lost a client like this. Burke laid it on the line for me.

“Abby, there’s been a real decline in your quality of work lately. I don’t know if it’s because of personal reasons, something medical, or if you’re not happy here, with the company. But something’s got to change. I’m here if you need to talk, if it’s something work related I can help you with. But if you’re not happy here, it may be time for you to consider a change.”

Burke looked at me over the top of his glasses. “I really enjoy working with you Abby, truly. You’re a fantastic employee. I’d like to help you if I can. But I also need to let you know your performance has come to my attention, and not in a good way.”

I left Burke’s office in shock. Burke was right; something did need to change. But he had no idea what that was. And I certainly wasn’t going to unload my personal problems on my boss. But I did need to do something.

Sometime after the meeting with Burke, Leslie called to see if I was free for lunch. When I declined, she came to my office, bringing the requisite salad and large iced tea.

“I won’t tell you how you look today, Abby. I’ve run out of colorful terms.” She sat down, pushing the salad and iced tea in my direction. I pushed them back, and her eyebrows immediately shot up in surprise and concern.

“What’s wrong, honey?”

“I had a meeting with Burke today and, well, things on the job are a little unsettled. I think I’m just going to work though lunch.”

As much as I love Leslie, as dear as she is as a friend, she wasn’t the person I wanted to see right now. My last conversation with her, while it had helped me put things in some kind of perspective, made me feel guilty, as if I’d betrayed both Jake and Chase’s confidences. After the weekend I’d just been through, I really didn’t feel up to the mental challenge of editing my words to avoid a repeat guilt-fest later.

“Oh. Well, yeah. I heard about that.” She took a sip of coffee, not meeting my eyes.

“What? You heard about what?” I pushed my keyboard away, looking at her closely. Leslie, unlike me, can play poker. I’ve seen her. She can hide her emotions if she wants. And now, she was hiding something. But she was also itching to tell me. I could see the conflict flicking in her eyes.

“Oh, you know. Burke was up in HR earlier, looking through your personnel file.” Her eyes flickered up to meet mine. They were blank and unreadable, the confidentiality aspect of her job apparently kicking in, the desire to gossip momentarily quelled.

“Okay. So you know something I don’t know and you can’t tell me, because it’s confidential.” That familiar sensation of anger, which seemed to always be there recently, that tight knot in my chest, rose up again. My nerves were frayed, my mind exhausted and my patience at its end. I snapped.

“You know, Leslie, that’s fine. Don’t tell me. I won’t pry it out of you. But for all this time that I’ve been seeing Jake, when I told you there were things I couldn’t discuss, you managed to make me feel guilty for not telling you, because you were my friend. And because I felt guilty, I told you things I really wish now I hadn’t said.” I stopped for a breath. My voice had risen, taking on that tone I hate, the tone I get when I’m on a roll, apparently enraptured with the sound of my own righteous voice.

 “Abby, it’s not the same...” Leslie looked back at me with wide eyes.

“How is it not the same? Confidentiality is confidentiality, whether it’s you in HR or me with a request from Jake. It’s exactly the same. But you have some deep need to get all the juicy details out of me, now that I actually have some. And I’m finally fed up with it.”

I watched as Leslie stood, silently gathering her lunch, her coffee, moving to the door. She stopped, speaking to me without turning around.

“I know you’re under a lot of stress right now, Abby. I’m hoping that outburst was a result of that and not something else. Let’s just pretend we didn’t have this conversation.”

She was gone before I could say anything, the only thing left behind the smell of her coffee. I massaged my temples, willing myself to push the encounter out of my mind, for now. I had enough things to drive me crazy and this, at this moment, wasn’t something I could dwell on. I was being a lousy friend, but I had to trust that my friendship with Leslie could withstand the other issues complicating my life.

––––––––

Late that afternoon, as I was diligently working through my emails, the phone rang. I prickled at the interruption, contemplated letting it go to voice mail but decided to answer it, thinking it might be Leslie. In hindsight, I’m not sure it was such a good idea.

It was Stacy.

“Abby, I know I told Chase I wasn’t going to get in the middle of his personal business, and I’m not. But I am getting into the middle of yours.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean I’ve talked to Jane.” There was a moment of silence.

My heart was thumping uncomfortably in my chest. I closed my eyes, not wanting to hear what Stacy had to say, but powerless to stop her.

“Abby, I think we should talk. Come to the club.”

––––––––

“Chase is never here on Thursdays.” Stacy met me at the street door, sensing my hesitation.

She led me into Chase’s office, pointing to one of the chairs in front of his desk. I sat down, remembering the first time I’d come here, to Chase’s club. I’d sat in this same chair, immediately drawn to him, knowing then on some level I was playing with fire, just not realizing how all-consuming that fire would be.

“When did you talk to Jane?”

Stacy was sitting in Chase’s chair, looking even more petite behind his big desk.

“She came to the club on Sunday night. We talked a little bit, nothing unusual, nothing out of the ordinary. I was busy...Chase had taken the weekend off last minute, said he was exhausted. So I was riding herd on the masses.” She made a dismissive gesture with her hand.

“No big deal, but I didn’t have a whole lot of time to talk with her. But then, out of the blue, she called me at home this morning. Said she had something to tell me...almost like she couldn’t wait to spit it out.”

Stacy hesitated a beat, holding my gaze. “She told me she was seeing Jake again.”

I’m pretty sure the shock was evident on my face; it usually is.

“You’re kidding? Or she’s lying? Please tell me it’s a joke or something...anything.”

I thought back to the last time I saw Jake, leaving him on Saturday morning...after spending the night. I thought we’d come so far, he’d finally been honest with me, completely honest when he said he hadn’t wanted to find Jane, wasn’t interested in seeing her again. How had that changed?

“Did she say when he saw her?” My voice was shaky, my palms suddenly clammy.

“Saturday night. At that dive where she works. She said he was waiting for her when she got there to start her shift. Stayed there until she got off work.”

A frown creased Stacy’s forehead. “Abby, that’s not all. She said he slept with her...that night. And a couple times since.”

A couple of times? My face felt numb, my lips struggling to form words. “It’s only Thursday.”

Stacy nodded. “Yeah, I know. I did the math. As near as I could tell, from what she’s said, he’s been seeing her almost every day since Saturday night.”

She leaned forward. “But you have to know that this is Jane; sometimes what she says and reality aren’t quite the same.”

“Do you think she’s lying?” Maybe there was a glimmer of hope.

Stacy shook her head. “No, not this time, not about seeing Jake, I mean. But she may be exaggerating a bit, blowing it up to more than it is, or have her days mixed up. I think she’s still using, which is why Chase keeps an eye on her, or has me do that, when she’s here. It’s why I knew about Jake in the first place, when she was his sub. And why I do tell Chase about her, what she said about Jake. He calls her a loose cannon and he’s not far off the mark.”

I shook my head. None of this made sense. Then something else, something very ugly reared its head.

“Stacy, did she say he was sleeping with her or she’d gone back to being his submissive?”

Stacy grew serious. “Oh. Abby, she said she was sleeping with him. As in, just sex, not as a sub.”

My heart was pounding so hard I could hear it in my head. I must have looked devastated. Stacy came around the corner of the desk, wrapping an arm around my shoulder.

“Oh, Abby. Honey, I’m sorry.” She hugged me, her tough as nails exterior slipping away briefly.

“If any man did that to me, he’d be out of my life for good.”

––––––––

I called Jane’s number when I got home from work on Friday, not really knowing what I wanted to say, other than I wanted to see her again. Why I wanted to torture myself, I didn’t know. Maybe I wanted her to tell me Stacy was full of shit. But I didn’t think that was the case.

She didn’t sound surprised to hear from me. “I knew you’d call, knew you’d want to check up on Jake. You’re that kind of girl. Yeah, if you want, you can come talk to me.” She gave me an address in a dismal part of town. When I found the building, it was just as dismal as its neighbors.

I climbed the narrow stairs to the third floor. It smelled of stale grease and the seemingly ever-present miasma of cigarette smoke. I couldn’t imagine Jake here, but then again, the Jake I thought I knew and the Jake I was uncovering seemed to be two vastly different people.

Jane answered my knock, wearing only a short robe belted around her waist. The scarlet color set off her pale skin and raven black hair. Despite myself I instantly compared myself to her: slender legs, tiny waist, waves of black hair...high cheekbones. Of course he likes her; she’s got the perfect body.

She pointed me toward the kitchen table, pushing aside a stack of magazines and newspapers from one end, begrudgingly clearing a space for me on the sticky Formica.

“You want coffee? I have some made, but no creamer. Only some of that artificial sweetener crap.”

I shook my head. “No, nothing. Thanks.”

“Suit yourself.” Jane sank into the chair opposite me, fishing a cigarette out of a crumpled pack. She lit a match, the smell of sulphur filling my nose, followed by the smoke from her cigarette.

Jane squinted at me through the blue haze. “So, you know about Jake. Stacy told you, didn’t she?”

She laughed, a rough bark of sound. “I knew she would.” She tapped the ash from her cigarette into an overflowing ashtray.

“I don’t go in for deep analysis of why I do things. Too much shit in there to dig through. But in this case, as the shrinks would say, my motive was transparent.”

She waved the cigarette at me, holding it between her slender fingers. “I wanted to know if you two still have some kind of relationship...have some kind of connection. Figured if I told Stacy and you called, you were still involved. And by the looks of it, I was right.”

 Her eyes narrowed as she regarded me through the smoke. “I suppose I should thank you. If you hadn’t been in the picture, he never would have bothered to come looking for me. Lucky me.”

There was a long pause while she took another drag from her cigarette, the end glowing bright red. She blew out a trail of smoke, leaning forward, watching my face.

“You’re real quiet today, aren’t you? No questions for Jane, no pitying looks for the poor damaged girl Jake screwed over. Because now I’m not the girl he screwed over...I’m the girl he’s screwing.

“And I bet he’s not screwing you right now, is he?” She sat back, crushing out her cigarette.

“I didn’t come here...”

“Yeah, you didn’t come here to talk about Abby or Jane. You’re here to talk about Jake. I get it.”

She shook out another cigarette, holding it unlit between her fingers as she went on.

“So let’s talk about Jake. What do you want to know this time about Mr. Meyers?”

The match flared again, smoke rising to join the cloud hovering just below the ceiling. It was hard to breath; I felt like I was suffocating, from the smoke and from the crushing weight in my chest.

“When? When did he come find you?” My voice was steadier than I felt.

“Last Saturday. Found me at the bar. Either you gave him the name or he remembered I worked there. Either way, he was waiting when I started my shift. Can’t say I was real surprised he was there. It’s like that movie...what’s it called? Something Separate Degrees...Six Degrees of Separation, that’s it.” She exhaled another cloud of smoke toward the ceiling.

“Except it’s just you and me, and Jake. Only a few degrees apart.”

Her blue eyes were far sharper today than they had been at the bar, not red-rimmed, no dark smudges beneath them, despite the choking cigarette smoke. Jane’s body was almost humming, vibrating at some high frequency, some frantic energy running through her. I remembered Stacy had said she had done drugs...still did drugs.

Those blue eyes were locked on mine now. “And that really pisses you off, doesn’t it?”

“I’d be lying if I said I was happy about it.” I wasn’t sure where this conversation was going. All I wanted now was to be away from Jane, from this dingy apartment, from the stinging sense that I’d been made a fool of by Jake. But I needed one more answer.

Jane gave me a catty smile. “Looks like the nice girl finishes last here, all dressed in her pretty little skirt and blouse.”

“That depends.” I took a deep breath, disregarding the potential for immediately contracting lung cancer.

“Are you his sub, or just a friend with benefits?” I held her gaze, saw her eyes widen just a fraction. I willed myself not to blink and for once, bluffed my way through.

Jane sat back, her intensity lessening slightly. But something else filled the gap.

“I don’t think it would be good for my mental health if I went back to being Jake’s sub, do you?” She took a deep drag from the cigarette, crushing the latest on top of the still-smoldering butt of the previous cigarette.

 “Let’s call us fuck buddies then. That’s good enough for me and apparently it’s good enough for Jake.”

She blew a stream of smoke in my face.

I fled the apartment.

––––––––

I called Chase as soon as I got home, for no other reason than to hear his voice. It was early, for him; he was still at the condo.

“Are you okay? Abby, what’s happened?”

“I saw Jane...” My voice cracked, tears spilling down my face.

“Abby. Listen to me. You do not go see her anymore, regardless what Stacy tells you. Jane’s not stable and you’re not safe. And don’t go seeing Jake either, in some attempt to make this right, or make sense of it, or whatever you think you should do. Call him, if you need to talk to him. But don’t go see him. I’d forbid it if I thought it would do any good, but I know it won’t.” There was a pause.

“I hate to think of you with him, for any reason. You know that. It drives a knife right through my heart.”

I was crying too hard to reply.

“Abby? Do you hear me?” Chase’s voice was insistent.

“Yes, Chase. I do.” My voice was barely a whisper.

“Come here, Abby. Come over to the condo. I’ll stay home tonight, let Stacy handle the club again. Serves her right for getting in the middle of this. I have half a mind...”

“Don’t, Chase. Don’t be mad at Stacy. She’s only trying to help.” I sniffed a little, my tears slowing.

“Fine. But come see me, please. I don’t care if you’ve decided to never see me again...you’re upset and I don’t want you to be alone tonight.”

I hesitated briefly.

I did want to see Chase.

This was the end.

There would be no Jake and I. It was over.

“I’ll be there in a little bit. There’s something I need to do first.”

“Fine. I’ll call Stacy. Take care of whatever you need to, do it quick. I’ll be here waiting.”

––––––––

When I pulled up to Jake’s house, there was a car parked beneath the portico, not one of Jake’s, but a battered and rusty car of indeterminate make. I parked behind it, running through the wind-driven rain to the door to the house, ringing the bell.

I peered through the glass of the door, watching for Jake to appear, ringing the bell again. The wind was blowing in erratic gusts, fine waves of rain drifting over me, making me shiver.

“Abby, what are you doing here?”

I whirled around, almost colliding with Jake. He was behind me, the door to the tower room open, light spilling onto the driveway, casting his face in shadow. He was shirtless and barefoot, wearing the cotton sweat pants that were so familiar to me. I blinked in confusion.

“Jake. You scared me. I...” I stopped. There was movement behind Jake.

Over his shoulder, in the doorway to the tower room, I saw a flash of scarlet. Jane was leaning against doorframe, with her ever-present cigarette, thin wisps of smoke caught in the wind. Wearing nothing but the short silk robe she’d worn when I saw her in her apartment, not more than a couples hours earlier.

My eyes flew back to Jake’s face. “You have her here? Now? I just left her apartment!” I felt tears welling in my eyes.

“Abby, it’s not what it looks like...” Jake took a step closer, the light from the house catching his features.

I looked up at him, at the man I thought I loved, the man I had been willing to give up everything to be with. Even the love of another good man...even willing to give up Chase.

Jake’s beautiful face was a kaleidoscope of emotions. I watched as he fought down fear and shock...shock, I suppose at seeing me, at being caught with Jane. Fear...of being caught in a lie? I wasn’t sure. Things were happening too fast.

Then something else took over inside Jake. His face softened and he moved toward me, reaching out to touch my arm.

“Abby, honey. You’re here, that’s all that matters. I love you. Whatever else you think, it’s not important. I love you, and you love me. There’s nothing else that matters.”

He took another step closer. I backed up, my shoulders hitting the door behind me.

“Stop, Jake. No...don’t...” I put my hands up, no idea what his intentions were, wanting to ward him off, push him away. But I ended up with my hands on his chest, the warmth of his bare skin beneath my fingers. Instinctively I clenched my hands, trying to pull my fingers away.

But Jake grabbed my wrists, holding me fast, his grip like steel.

“Abby, you have to understand. I love you. She’s...” he looked over his shoulder at Jane “...she’s nothing.”

He pulled my hands up to his lips, kissing my knuckles. “I was scared, scared that you were gone. I was desperate, needed someone...she was the only one I could think of to use...” His voice trailed off.

“You’re lying. I’ve had enough. Let me go, Jake. You have what you want. You have Jane.” I felt anger, pain...fear...welling up inside of me. But mostly anger. Something snapped.

“You’ve been with her for the past week, Jake. Or didn’t your little fuck buddy tell you that I knew that?” I craned my neck, looking past Jake’s shoulder.

Jane was still standing in the doorway watching, smoking her cigarette, or her second or third cigarette. There was a smile on her full lips, something terrible that didn’t quite reach her eyes. I shuddered with the realization she’d set this whole thing up, knowing exactly what I’d do after I left her. Knowing I’d confront Jake. She’d played me for a fool.

I looked back to Jake. His face had changed, something dark behind his eyes. His fingers dug into my wrists.

“I talked to Jane...today. I left you here, last Saturday morning. And the next thing you do is go find her and sleep with her. And now...” I stopped for a breath.

“You’ve been sleeping with her for the past week.”

Something changed in Jake’s expression. A calculating look passed over his eyes.

“I love you, Abby. You know that.” His voice was low, that husky sexy voice that did...had...done things to me. But now it scared me.

“I’ve loved you since the first time I saw you.” He pulled me close to him, his body against mine. I felt the heat of his skin against me and then the pressure of his erection, pressing against my stomach. I pulled hard, wrenching my wrists from his hands, pulling away. I was disgusted now, angry and scared. I stumbled from beneath the portico roof toward my car, cold rain hitting my face, mixing with the tears that were running down my cheeks.

Jake was right behind me, his bare feet slapping on the wet pavement.

“I love you. We can fix this...whatever is wrong. I just made a mistake...I love you. You love me. We can fix this...”

I spun around, my anger flaring, pushing back the fear. I pointed back to the tower room door. I could see Jane, silhouetted against the light from the portico, watching us.

“She said it...Jane said something to me the first time I met her...that some things just can’t be fixed with love. That’s us, Jake...this. Nothing can fix us, not all the love in the world. It’s over. It’s ended. You ended it, Jake, when you brought her back here. If you can’t see that...”

The rain was coming down harder now, sharp drops stinging my face. I reached for the car door, had it open, when Jake reached past me, slamming it shut.

“No! This isn’t how it ends. Not like this.” The rain was running down his face, flattening his hair. He pulled me against him, hard. He forced his mouth against mine in a brutal kiss. I pulled away in revulsion. I wanted to gag.

“I’ll make her leave. I’ll send Jane away.” His breath was harsh against my face.

“Jake, stop!” I took a deep breath, to bring myself under control. The fear was back, a panicky feeling bubbling up inside. Everything was spinning out of control.

I twisted out of his grip, wrenching the car door open. I scrambled inside, slamming the door, hitting the locks, fumbling with the key in the ignition.

The shower of broken glass, followed by a gust of cold wind-blown rain made me scream. Jake’s hand jutting through the broken driver’s side window, blood dripping from cut knuckles. He made a grab for me, my hair or arm, I wasn’t sure. The car roared to life and I threw it into gear, jamming my foot on the gas, careening down the circular driveway.

I glanced in the rearview mirror. Jake was still standing in the rain, silhouetted against the light from the portico.

––––––––

I rang the bell, and then knocked on Chase’s door. He opened it, took one look at me and folded me into his arms. My knees gave out, the last of my energy draining away, and I crumpled against him.

He scooped me up, taking me down the hall to his bedroom. With infinite care, he set me on the bed, fingers swiftly working to pull off my sodden clothes.

“Just a minute.” He went to the bathroom, quickly back with a towel. He wiped my face, pushed the dripping hair off my forehead.

“Can you tell me what happened?” The calm sound of his voice, his sure and gentle touch brought me back from where ever I’d been during the drive over.

“It was Jake...” That was all I managed to get out. All the fear and anger washed away, leaving me shaking uncontrollably.

Chase had my blouse and skirt off in seconds, pulling back the covers, helping me lie down, the blankets tucked around me. He lay down next to me, fully clothed. Even though I was cold and shaking, I pushed the blankets aside, reaching for Chase, wanting his warmth, not the warmth of the blankets.

“Hold me, Chase, please.” He pulled me against him, his fingers smoothing the damp tangles of my hair away from my face.

He held me for a long time, saying nothing, just cradling me against his body. Slowly the shaking stopped. I struggled to sit up and he shifted next to me, pushing himself up against the head of the bed.

He sat up suddenly, leaning over the side of the bed. He turned back to me, just as suddenly, pulling the blankets away from my body.

“There’s blood on your clothes, Abby. Did he hurt you?” His voice was low, but urgent. He held me away from him, searching my face, my body, and a look of alarm on his face.

I shook my head, stilling his hands. “No, Chase. It’s Jake’s. He broke the window on my car, cut his hand I guess. He grabbed at me, but I drove away.”

Anger flashed in Chase’s eyes, deep and intense. I remembered the anger I’d seen in Jake’s eyes earlier tonight, anger directed at me, and I tensed in Chase’s arms. But when he spoke his voice was still calm.

“I’m not angry with you, Abby.” His arms tightened around me, pulling me back against him. I rested my head on his shoulder, taking a deep ragged breath.

“Can you tell me what happened?” He repeated the question he’d asked before.

“I went to see Jake, went to his house.” I heard him draw a sharp breath.

“You said I shouldn’t, that it wasn’t safe. But I couldn’t just talk to him over the phone.”

“I know, Abby. I know.” His hand rubbed my arm.

“Chase, he was...he really scared me.” I shivered, closing my eyes.

He drew me even closer. I thought if he could, Chase would somehow pull me inside of him, if it would make me stop shivering.

“I parked the car and got out, went to the house door. But he came out of the tower room, dressed in...well, dressed for a session. Wearing what he wore for our sessions.”

Images of Jake, the first time we had a session, wearing nothing but those thin gray sweatpants, riding low on his narrow hips, his lean body moving gracefully around the tower room...his arousal so very obvious. Before he blindfolded me, leaving me with only my imagination.

Seeing him tonight, in the same sweats he wore when he was with in session with me, coming from the tower...where Jane was. The betrayal was complete; he’d taken her back as his sub, and as his lover.

I sighed. “And then, well, it got ugly. Jane was there. He tried to tell me he loved me, told me that he’d send her away.

“He grabbed me, held me, pushed me against the door.” Chase was still rubbing my arm. He kissed the top of my head softly.

“And all the while, she was watching, standing in the doorway. Smoking a cigarette, watching us fight.” My voice had gotten loud, the anger I’d pushed down finally coming to the surface.

I turned to look up at Chase. “How could anyone do that? How could he betray us...me. Just like that? I don’t understand.”

“I can’t answer that, Abby. And honestly, I don’t suppose he can either.”

––––––––

Chase sat with me until I started to fall asleep. I felt him pull the covers over me, his hands brushing the hair away from my face. He left the room, leaving the door open, the dim light from the hall spilling across the floor. I thought I heard voices, but I was too tired to care. I drifted into an uneasy sleep.

It was a long time later when I felt the bed move, Chase’s scent, leather and hay, and him, washing over me as he crawled beneath the sheets. His hands went around my waist, pulling me against him, my back against his chest. The hall light was out, the room dark.

He held me a long time but I knew he wasn’t sleeping. Finally I squirmed around, facing him.

“What is it, Chase?” I reached out, touching his face in the dark.

“Just thinking.” He shifted, rolling on his back, pulling me to him, my head finding that same safe comfortable place on his chest. I rested my hand on him, his skin warm beneath my fingers.

“It’s been hard, hasn’t it? I’m sorry, Chase. I’ve put you through a lot. I never meant for any of this to happen.” I felt him sigh, his chest rising and falling beneath my hand.

“Abby, it is what it is. Can’t change that, just like I can’t change my past.” He shifted, reaching to turn on the lamp by the bed. He looked down, tipping my face up to his.

“Where does this leave us, Abby? I don’t want to be the default choice here. I’ve never liked being second in anything.”

I met his gaze, the uncertainty in his eyes making my heart hurt.

“Chase, you’re not. I went to Jake to tell him it was over, that his lying wasn’t something I could handle.” I sat up, reaching out to touch his face.

“I love you, Chase Thomas.” I leaned over, kissing him hard.

He pulled away, his eyes serious. “I love you too, Abby Phillips. But where are we with trust? Do we have enough here to keep this going?” There was hesitation in his voice.

“I told you before, Abby, my past is my past. It’s not pretty. It’s who I was...not who I plan on being...not with you.”

“I know, Chase.” I put my head back on his chest, idly running my hands over his skin.

“I loved Jake. Or...I thought I did.”

I felt him take a deep breath.

“And your past is your past. It’s not your past I fell in love with; it’s the man I know now. The man who’s here with me.” I placed my palm flat on his chest, over his heart.

“The man who loves me, even though I put him through hell.”

His laugh was there, that familiar rumble that I felt more than heard. I smiled.

“You know, the better the horse, the harder they are to break.”

I swatted at his chest. “I’m not a horse!”

Chase laughed, rolling me onto my back.

“It was meant as a compliment. Some of my best friends are horses.”

He leaned down, kissing me hard before pulling away. A smile played around the corners of his mouth.

“You know, someone’s going to have to tell Celeste that she’s not first in my heart anymore.”

I returned his smile. “Well, she’s your horse. I suspect if I tried, she’d bite me.”

His smile deepened. “I suppose she would at that.”

I ran my fingers over his lips.

“It’s good to see you smile, Chase. It’s been a long time.”

“And it’s been a while since I’ve seen a smile on your pretty face.”

He buried his face in my neck, still smiling, his lips warm on my skin, kissing me softly, nibbling my earlobe, tracing a gentle trail down my neck.

Lifting his head, he looked at me in the soft light.

“And if I have anything to say about it, I plan to put a smile on your face and make sure it stays there. Starting now.”

He moved over me, his body pressed against mine. I ran my hands over his chest, looking up into his eyes. I let out a long breath, relaxing for what seemed like the first time in weeks, letting go of all the confusion and doubt that had consumed me.

“I like that idea. I like it a lot.”

He held my gaze for a moment longer. “So this is it then? This is us...together?”

I nodded my head. “This is us, Chase. Just us.”

Just us together was so incredibly beautiful. Chase was gentle and slow, his lips and fingers tracing slow lines over my skin, trails of fire that joined and blended, lighting a blaze deep inside me. There seemed to be no moment where he wasn’t attentive to what I wanted...needed...without saying a word.

When he entered me, it was every coming together we’d ever had, magnified. He held himself above me, his body warm, his scent filling my nostrils.

I ran my hands down his strong back, over the smooth skin, over the strong curve of his ass, leaving my hands on the sides of his hips, in that place where I could feel his muscles moving as he flexed his hips forward, slowly driving himself into my accepting body.

He held my face between his hands, his eyes never leaving mine, as he rocked himself back and forth. I was lost in the depths of his brown eyes, not really aware of anything but the heat of his body and the feel of his cock filling me.

I saw him smile, and I smiled back. “What?”

He kissed my forehead. “You. You’re humming. I’ve never heard you do that before.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever been this relaxed before.”

He cocked an eyebrow. “You’re not supposed to be “relaxed”. I must be doing something wrong.”

I shook my head. “No, Chase, what you’re doing is exactly right.”

And he did do everything exactly right, for a very long time. I soon gave up humming for short cries, exchanged those for screams and moans, as Chase took me on this journey with him.

When I came, the first time of many, I clung to him, my body far from relaxed, every muscle taut, pulling me toward my release. He held himself above me, his own climax held back, letting me toss and thrash beneath him. I felt like my body wanted to rise off the bed, the only thing keeping me from flying away Chase’s weight.

I finally opened my eyes, looking up at him. There was a smile on his face. I traced the corner of his lips with my fingers.

“Hey...thank you.” My voice was soft, a bit hoarse from screaming.

He kissed my fingertips. “You’re welcome.” He hesitated, still watching me.

I cocked my head. “What?”

“You. And this...” He shook his head. His voice was rough when he spoke. I had the impression he was holding back tears.

“This...where you go, where I send you. That I can give you this, just by being with you, by making love to you.” He shook his head.

“What you do to me, Abby.” His eyes were soft. “What you do to me is the most wonderful thing a man could ask for.”

And he buried his face against me then, his body tense, moving quickly inside me. And he took his release then, his body trembling, crying out as he filled me with his heat, his tears warm on my neck.

It was a long time before we fell asleep, both of us unable to get enough of the other, both of us finally sensing there was nothing between us, nothing to keep us from loving one another.

––––––––

The sunlight through the windows woke me. Chase must have pulled the drapes open after he got up.

I stretched, the cat grumbling as my feet unearthed him from the covers.

“Get up, lazy cat. There are things to do...mice to catch, bugs to chase...all that nifty stuff you get to do here.”

He looked at me, yawned and curled up on Chase’s side of the bed.

“Who are you talking to?”

Chase was leaning against the doorframe, jeans and shirt already slightly dusty, smelling vaguely of hay and horse.

“The cat. Why are you up so early? And why didn’t you wake me?”

I sat up in bed, holding my arms out to Chase. “Come wake me up...” I smiled, but Chase stood in the doorway.

“Nope, not today. I have other plans...for you.” He crossed the room, pulling the blankets off the bed.

“Come on, get dressed. I’ve got something to show you.”

––––––––

The barns were cool and shady in contrast to the blazing sun outside. I’d brought an apple for Celeste and she accepted it without hesitation. It had taken her a couple weeks to get used to me, but she seems to have forgiven me for replacing her in Chase’s heart.

Chase led me down the row of box stalls to the other end from Celeste’s stall. There was an unfamiliar whiny and stomping coming from one of the stalls.

“Did you get another filly for breeding?” Chase had bred Abby’s Smile recently so it seemed odd he’d have bought another so soon.

“Not quite...” Chase being mysterious drove me nuts.

“What is it? Or who is it? Another stallion?”

He smiled, taking me by the hand. “Come on.”

He opened the top half of the door to the last stall. There was a beautiful horse, a chestnut mare, looking around at her surroundings, obviously new to the ranch.

“Well, what do you think?” Chase leaned on the door, looking at me, not the horse.

“I think she’s a nice horse. You know I don’t know anything about horses though.” I turned to him.

“Why ask me?”

“Because she’s yours, Abby. I bought her for you, to ride, to pet, to feed apples to.” He pulled a shiny red apple out of his pocket, handing it to me.

“Here. See how she likes you.”

I was staring open-mouthed. “You bought me a horse?”

Chase laughed. “Yes, Abby. It’s what I do. I buy horses. And I buy things for you. So, I bought you a horse.”

The apple was cool in my hand. I held it out tentatively toward the horse. She ambled over, sniffed the apple and then bit it in half. She chewed contently for a moment before taking the rest from me. I reached out to pat her nose and she snorted against my hand, looking for another apple.

“Well, I guess that’s a positive sign.” I laughed, the horse nosing my hand.

Chase put his arm around my shoulder. “I want you to learn to ride so you’re comfortable around these things. Plus, you need something besides that mangy cat to keep you occupied.”

He turned me to him. “I know it’s been a big adjustment, being out on the ranch so much. I wanted to give you something that made you feel you were part of the place, not just a guest. If you don’t like her, well, no harm done.”

I hugged him hard. “I do like her. It’s just a big surprise, in more ways than one.”

“You’ll teach me to ride?” I looked up at him.

“You bet. Nothing will give me greater pleasure.” He kissed me, his lips on mine sending that familiar but delicious thrill through me.

He broke away, looking down at me, his eyes dark. “I have an ulterior motive though. There are a whole bunch of places on this ranch we haven’t, well...“broken in”, which you can only get to on horseback.”

I laughed. “Are you getting tired of having me in your bed already, Chase?”

He smiled down. “Never.” He nodded at the horse.

“You can name her if you like. She’s got a long pedigree name, but you can pick out something you like, something shorter.”

The horse and I regarded each other for a moment.

“Nawashi.”

Chase’s eyebrows went up in surprise. “Really? And you know what that word means?”

I nodded. “You bet. The Internet is my friend. I looked up what all that fancy knot tying you did to me is called. And the person who ties them. ‘Rope master’...”

Chase laughed. “Okay. She’s your horse. It’s a rather unusual name though.”

“I’m an unusual girl, I guess. That first night was a very important one for me though, because it’s the first night that we met and I want to always remember it.

He pulled me against him. “I’d happily tie you up anytime you need to remember.” His eyes held his smile, but his voice grew serious.

“I love you, Abby. For many, many reasons, but right now because you’d name a horse an obscure Japanese term that reminds you of being bound and tied.”

His lips brushed mine, a lingering kiss following.

“And I wouldn’t want it any other way.”

––––––––

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