Chapter 9

The first ten days were a breeze. John hadn’t had a single nightmare, they were talking a lot, and he was sharing the worst experiences he’d had while being with Margaret, so that she would keep on feeling sorry for him, and assuring him those days were over.

The thing that disturbed John a bit was finding his leather belt twice around the place. One morning he spotted it on the bed, after he had woken up, the other time was in the bathroom. It was exactly the same belt over which he had a fight with Cindy. He had no idea what to think about it, but, in order not to be disturbed by it anymore, John bought himself a new belt, a black one, and every night before going to sleep, he made sure he put it back in the wardrobe.

Cindy called him once to tell him she had found a new place to live and she was moving out, but the rent was already paid for the given month, so she demanded he give her half of the money back if he was still going to live there. He told her he would transfer the money to her bank account, but even though, the two-story apartment was free and he could come back to it, he didn’t really want to. Living with Molly was simply cheaper. First of all, it was her own place, so there was no rent to pay, just bills, and he hadn’t been living there long enough to make them his problems any time soon. Secondly, he didn’t have to buy food, he was even specifically told not to as Molly had her own shops and farms to purchase all natural, eco, bio-dynamic carrots and cabbages from. And at that point she was getting ready to spend another two weeks flying between continents, so John had the perspective of spending a fortnight on his on terms, going crazy with Paul, like a dog off a leash. What was not to like?

What surprised him was Molly asking if he was planning to move out before her coming back. She asked him that one evening when they were lying on the sofa drinking organic red wine and watching the evening news while John was giving her a foot massage.

“You want me gone?” he asked.

“Well, not gone gone, but you know, not living here,” she replied.

“I don’t understand,” John replied and gently put her leg on the floor.

Molly sighed, put her glass on the coffee table and looked at him seriously. “You know it’s fun this thing we’re doing,” she said waving her hand and pointing at them both, “but, um, let’s just say I really like my life and my independence too much to let them go.”

“What do you mean let’s say?” Molly’s declaration was something he had never taken into consideration. Yes, she did mention back then on the phone she didn’t feel like living together permanently, but he thought they were having a good time, and he was doing his best to yield to her lifestyle, and her rules considering order and tidiness. They had great sex, would often go out in the evening either to the theater, or a restaurant. What was more, John was absolutely sure Molly’s friends liked him. He was sure he was settled, so her announcing the whole independence need and, basically, asking him to look for a new place to stay, was absolutely unexpected.

“I don’t know,” she replied and shrugged her shoulders. “It’s just that I like living on my own, I like my well-ordered life.”

“Well-ordered? You’re gone for basically half a month. Every month. How is this well-ordered?”

“It is from my perspective.”

“Yeah, from yours, maybe,” John replied and drank some wine.

“Isn’t it the most important perspective from my point of view?” Molly asked and reached for her glass. John didn’t answer, he only emptied his portion of wine, swallowed the sip pretty loudly and sighed. He scratched his left cheek with his right thumb, put the glass away and looked at her.

“Are you serious?”

“Perfectly serious.”

“I mean, I’m sorry, but I just don’t understand one thing, okay?”

“What’s that?”

“What’s wrong? I thought we were really good together.”

“Oh, sweetheart, we are,” Molly said and put her palm on his shoulder, rubbing in an assuring gesture. “We’re really good,” she repeated softly.

“If we are, then why do you want me out?”

“Frankly?”

“Yes.”

“Because I want my life back. I mean, John, we’re having some fun from time to time when you’re having a rough patch with Margaret; it’s nice, it’s sexy, but, honestly…”

“The thing with Margaret is over.”

“Yeah, I understand. It’s just that it’s too permanent for me, all right?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean I like my life. I feel good with the way it looks, and I don’t need to have any changes, okay?” Molly sighed and got up from the sofa. She turned around and was now looking at him with her arms crossed.

“I thought you’d be happy once I left Margaret,” John said.

“Oh, of course, happy for you, sure! The woman was making your life miserable, and it was painful to see you hurting. And I am happy, but because you’re free, not because my life is now different. Molly put her palm on her chest to underline that she was the real issue of this conversation, not John, not Margaret.

“Look,” she continued and sat back on the sofa next to him, “it’s good the way it is. I don’t want any normal relationship with both of us losing what we like most, with both of us making compromises we don’t really feel like making. You coming here once in a while was a different story, but being together, like this, like full-time? I’m sorry, John, I’m just not interested.”

“So it’s kind of an Up In The Air situation,” he replied quietly.

“Yeah, a bit,” Molly admitted and took his hand in her palms.

What struck John was the fact he kind of felt sad. Leaving Margaret, then Cindy, was nothing like that. Then he was glad it was over. This situation was something he didn’t predict, something that surprised him. It felt strange, out of water. And Molly was so confident about all this—no drama, everything was well thought-through.

“John, so, what’s it gonna be?”

“Yeah, well,” he opened his eyes wide and sighed heavily, puffing out his cheeks, “um, you know, I mean – it’s all quite surprising, what can I say?”

“I know it is, and I have been thinking a lot about it, really. I mean, I was afraid, you’d think I’m being heartless, cruel, or whatever, but the truth is, I did give you shelter for ten days, and I will give it to you for two more weeks, so I don’t think I’m that bad, am I?” Molly asked, but it was rather a rhetoric question, not requiring any answer. From her perspective she was okay, she allowed John to stay with her a bit, but clearly she was hoping he would stand on his feet and move on. Or, actually, move out.

“It feels weird, I have to admit,” John said and cleared his voice.

“I know, baby, I’m sorry,” she replied and it seemed she actually did feel bad about the whole thing; however, there wasn’t really anything to debate.

“So, John, will you do your best to find yourself your own place to stay while I am gone for two weeks?” she asked. Her voice was firm, and there was no shadow of doubt that she meant it.

“Yes. Yes, I will,” he replied and licked his upper lip, “What choice do I have?”

“Fantastic, baby.” Molly smiled broadly and kissed his him.

“But where does that leave us?”

“Us?”

“Yes. I mean, are we still together?”

“Oh, sure, you can call and visit me from time to time, no problem,” Molly replied and smiled again. “We will have some fun, catch up a bit, you know, like we used to,” she added and got up from the sofa. “Well, I need to go for my evening Pilates session.” She stood up and kissed him. “I’m glad we’re on the same page.”

When Molly went to the bedroom to pack her gym things, John leaned on the sofa, put his hands behind his head and entwined his fingers. About an hour ago, he was sure he had a perfect place to stay, a perfect woman on his side, the one who he was able to say lived up to his standards, but who, as it turned out, required even more freedom than he did. That was something new.

“Oh, John,” Molly said and looked at him while standing in the bedroom doorway.

“Yes?”

“Please put it somewhere, it’s getting so annoying having this thing lying literally everywhere around the house,” she said and showed him the brown leather belt with a big buckle, which was reflecting the bedroom lamp light in such way it kind of looked as if it was glittering.

“Oh my God,” John whispered. “But I am not using this one anymore, I bought myself a new one,” he said louder and swallowed. The feeling of anxiety came back immediately.

“Well, that’s the one that has been lying around the place all the time. Well, I am putting it into the chest of drawers, make sure you remember where it is.”

“Yeah, yes, I’ll remember,” John said and felt a few drops of sweat appear on his forehead.