Maya was so stunned that for a moment all she could do was stare at him. “Sawyer, I—I don’t know what to say,” she finally stammered.
“Yes would be good.” When she continued to hesitate, he stood up and drew her to her feet. “I love you. I want us to be together, you and Joey and me.”
A rush of pure happiness surged through Maya, all the sweeter because part of her believed she’d never hear those words from him. And only now did she realize how much she’d longed for him to say them.
“We’re good together, you know we are,” Sawyer said. Framing her face in his hands, he kissed her slowly, deeply. “I love you. I need you. The only time things feel right anymore is with you,” he murmured against her lips. “I want both of you with me, not just part-time but permanently, as a family. Say yes.”
He kissed her again and she clung to him, trying to think when all she wanted to do was push closer and let him take her to that place where her doubts and fears didn’t matter.
When he finally pulled back, he smiled, looking as if he was already sure of her answer. “Was that a yes?”
One small word and they could be a family. Maya started to speak with her heart and tell him yes, but her demons of doubt and fear stopped her. She couldn’t meet his eyes and stepped out of his arms and took several steps away from him.
Sawyer’s smile faded, replaced by a frown of concern and confusion. “What’s wrong?”
“Sawyer, I love you,” she said in a rush. “More than you can imagine, more than I thought possible.” He started toward her but Maya held up her hands to stop him. “I just don’t know if that’s enough.”
“I don’t think I’m hearing this right. Why can’t it be?”
Maya swallowed hard against the tightness in her throat. “Because all this time you’ve been telling me you can’t trust yourself to be what Joey and I need. Why is it different now? What’s changed?”
“Nothing’s changed,” Sawyer said. He shook his head, turning away from her and then back, holding out a hand to her in appeal. “I don’t want to lose you. I need you. And Joey needs a father. Why are you making this more complicated than it is?”
“Because I need to know you’re ready. I didn’t know…you’ve never told me how you felt about us. Up until today you acted as if you weren’t even sure there should be an us. And now all of a sudden you ask me to marry you. Is it truly what you want?”
Sawyer cursed under his breath. “This is about Garrett, isn’t it? Apparently Cort has won you over to his side.”
“No, it’s not about Garrett or choosing sides,” Maya cried. “It’s about you! I don’t care if you never see Garrett again. As long as you can live with that.”
“Why couldn’t I?” he shot back. “I don’t need to confront Garrett to know I love you and Joey. Doesn’t that count for anything?”
“Of course it does. But unless you can move forward, we can’t move forward.”
“And you don’t think I can,” he said flatly.
“I don’t think you have,” Maya told him. She looked at him, desperate to make him understand. “Don’t you see? Unless you do, we’ll just end up hurting each other—and Joey, too. I won’t let that happen.”
Sawyer stiffened, a muscle in his jaw working. “You don’t believe I’m capable of committing to you and Joey, so it’s a given I’m going to end up hurting you. Have I got it right?”
“That’s not what I’m saying at all! Sawyer, please. I’m not your grandparents or your father. I know what kind of man you are and I know you’re already committed to us and that if we made it permanent you’d give your all to us.” She paused. “But if things weren’t perfect, if raising Joey got complicated or things went wrong for whatever reason, would you blame yourself? And then could you live with that, could you stay after you were convinced it was all your fault even though the mistakes we made were together?”
Looking at her, Sawyer didn’t say anything for several long moments. “You know my history. Yeah, of course I’d blame myself,” he said at last, his voice cracking with tension. “But I can make this work. I need to make it work.”
He hadn’t answered her question about leaving, and Maya feared it was because he couldn’t.
“Don’t think you’ve moved on either,” he said before she could put her fears into words. “You’re still afraid of trusting yourself to make the right decisions because you made a mistake with Joey’s father. You tell me I’m still living with the past, but you’re still living with Evan’s ghost. And when you look at me and think about making a commitment, it’s him you see.”
“I’ve never compared you to him,” Maya said in a voice barely above a whisper. How could he think she would?
“No? Then look at me and tell me you’re not afraid.”
The intensity in his eyes demanded the truth. “You’re right, I am afraid,” she said. “I’m afraid I’m going to screw up Joey’s life. I’m afraid of getting hurt again. And I’m scared to death I’m going to lose you.”
“Maya,” Sawyer said and made a movement toward her, then stopped. “What do you want? How can I make this right for you?”
“It’s not about making it right for me. I love you. I don’t expect you to be the perfect hero. I don’t need to be rescued. I need you. But how can we say forever when we’re both afraid it isn’t going to work?”
Sawyer swung away from her, his hands fisted so tightly, the knuckles were white. Tears ran down her face unchecked and she hated herself then because she knew she’d hurt him. To Sawyer, her hesitation in accepting his proposal was just another rejection. Another abandonment.
“Sawyer, I’m not giving up on you,” she said softly.
“Yeah? That’s funny, that’s sure what it sounds like to me.”
“I meant it when I said I love you. It just—”
“Isn’t enough. I got the message.” He cut her off with a frustrated gesture, then started for the door. “I need some air.”
“Sawyer—” Maya followed after him.
Jerking open the door, he didn’t give her time to stop him. “Don’t make this any harder,” he said and left her standing by the door helpless to do anything except watch him get into his truck, gun the engine and whip out of her driveway.
Maya stayed there a long time, tears streaming down her face. She’d had her chance to hold him and she’d thrown it away. Fear had decided for her and now she didn’t know if there ever would be a second chance to make it right.
Sawyer drove without thinking about any destination, suddenly finding himself miles out of Luna Hermosa and not knowing how he got there. Seeing a narrow side road, he made a quick turn onto it and killed the engine.
He leaned his head back, closing his eyes, and tried to figure out how everything had gone from good to completely screwed-up so quickly.
Part of it was he hadn’t bothered to think anything through before asking Maya to marry him. His proposal had been an impulse, spurred by an urgent need to hold on to the best thing in his life, the feeling he had being with Maya and Joey.
It seemed so simple, a way to keep her and Joey in his life. He loved her, he loved the kid. And she said she loved him. That had to be enough to make it work.
Except deep down he knew he’d only told himself he believed it while crossing his fingers and hoping it was true.
Maya was right. He needed to move forward. She was afraid of making the wrong choice because she couldn’t trust him. And she couldn’t trust him until he trusted himself.
Starting the engine again, Sawyer pulled out in the direction of town and Cort’s apartment. His brother answered the door almost immediately.
Cort took one look at him and said, “What’s wrong?”
“I need your help,” Sawyer said, coming inside.
“Name it.”
Sawyer faced him squarely, determined now to go through with what he’d started. “I’m ready to meet with Garrett.”
Jed Garrett leaned back in his chair and surveyed the four men in front of him with satisfaction. Cort and Rafe had taken chairs, Cort looking deceptively at ease and Rafe like a dark, wild animal being forced to sit in some kind of torture device. Josh, his Stetson pulled low, tilted his chair back and propped his boots on the edge of the couch with an air of being totally disinterested. Sawyer stayed standing, his back ramrod straight, shoulders tense, too edgy to sit.
Jed’s eyes settled on him and he laughed. “I can tell you’d like to take a swing at me, boy. Well, maybe I deserve that.”
“No maybe about it,” Sawyer said, staring straight back. Beside him Cort tensed, but Sawyer shook his head. “It’s okay. I want to hear this.”
“It won’t take long. I’ve got cancer,” Jed said without any preamble. “The doctors say maybe they can fix it and maybe they can’t. Either way, I ain’t gettin’ any younger and before I die I intend to square things with my sons.
“I don’t much care what you or anyone else thinks of me,” he said, looking them all over in turn. “I’ve always been a son of a bitch and I reckon I’ll die that way. But I came from nothing, and since the day me and your daddy—” he nodded at Rafe “—started this ranch, it’s mattered the most to me. I did what I had to do to make sure I never went back to scraping in the dirt.”
Sawyer remembered his mother telling him the only thing Garrett ever loved was his ranch. It made him ask, “Then why bother with a family in the first place?”
“The first time, I needed the money,” Jed answered without apology. “Teresa had it and she was a good businesswoman. And she loved me, although I think most of that was because her parents didn’t. It went bad fast, but she stuck it out until she found out about Maria and the kid.”
Sawyer and Cort exchanged glances, and Sawyer knew Cort was as in the dark as he was. Rafe was frowning, and even Josh showed a spark of interest, thumbing his hat back to look at Jed for the first time.
For the first time Jed didn’t look directly at them. “Teresa found out I’d walked out on Maria and the boy to marry her. Walked out and never looked back. She made me a deal. She let me keep the money she’d invested in the ranch as long as I gave up her sons.” He nodded to Rafe. “I told her you weren’t part of the bargain. She’d never wanted the adoption in the first place, so she left you with me.”
Rafe’s dark glare settled on Sawyer, then Cort. “Why doesn’t that surprise me?”
Jed gestured to Sawyer and Cort. “I know she told you I kicked the three of you off the ranch, but that ain’t exactly the way things happened. If I hadn’t let you two go, I would have lost everything. And you two were probably better off. We never did each other any good.”
“You’re wrong about that,” Sawyer said and everyone in the room looked at him in surprise. “You made me realize I’m nothing like you and that I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure I never am.”
Jed sized him then Cort up in a look. Then he nodded. “You won’t thank me, but I did give you one thing. Because of me you grew up strong and you learned how to watch each other’s back.”
Sawyer didn’t bother to deny him. Maybe in a twisted way it was true. But it was a helluva legacy.
“It’s too late to fix what’s past,” Jed went on. “But I’m gonna do this. You’re all gettin’ a share of my ranch. You two—” he pointed at Cort and Sawyer “—because it was your mama’s money that helped build it. Rafe because his daddy was my partner. And Josh is my son.”
“I don’t want anything from you,” Sawyer said.
Cort got to his feet. “I’ve heard your story and that’s all I wanted.”
“I didn’t even want that much,” Josh muttered. “As far as I’m concerned, you should give it all to Rafe. He’s the only one besides you who gives a damn about this place.”
Rafe had stood up, too, hands fisted at his sides, but before he could say anything, Jed broke in. “I’m not asking your permission, any of you. And I’ll tell you this, I also want my first son to have a share. His name is Cruz Déclan and I aim to find him.”
“So how do you feel about having another brother?”
Cort, leaning against the patio wall at Sawyer’s house, threw the question out, closely watching Sawyer as he did. Garrett had abruptly ended the meeting after his unexpected announcement by walking out, and Sawyer and Cort had come back here.
“I always figured you were enough of a pain in the ass,” Sawyer joked lightly. Then he sobered, thinking it over before saying, “We need to find him. Preferably before Garrett does.”
Cort stared, then shook his head. “Man, you can still surprise me.”
“What, that it took me this long to get my head on straight?”
A light breeze carried the scent of summer sage and wildflowers to him, stirring memories of Maya. All the time he’d been struggling to figure out how to be father, partner and lover, she had been giving him the answers through her example and those of friends and even her crazy parents. It never mattered to Maya if he got everything right. To her, it was more important he have faith that everything would be right if they loved each other, no matter how many mistakes they made along the way.
“You think you got it straight now, with Garrett?” Cort broke into his thoughts.
“I don’t think I’ll ever be able to make peace with Garrett,” Sawyer answered honestly. “I don’t need to. Listening to him today and thinking about all he did to us, I realized we might share the same blood, but that’s where the connection ends.” He looked pointedly at Cort. “I also realized that it’s time I face up to the fact that you and I have brothers we need to know.”
“Does that include Rafe?”
Sawyer grimaced. “He got stuck with Garrett because our mother let it happen. I can’t imagine ever feeling brotherly toward Rafe, but I think it’s time I tried to settle things between us.” He stopped, finding it hard to say what he wanted to Cort. They’d always been tight, but neither of them had ever put it into words. “Thanks for not giving up on me. And for pushing me to face Garrett. All these years I’ve been running from it.”
“Yeah, right, Danger Boy,” Cort scoffed. “You’ve never run from anything.”
“I have this.” Sawyer focused on the trees behind his house. “I was afraid I’d find out I was like him. I made him into some kind of monster. Turns out he was just the son of a bitch he said he was.” He turned back to Cort. “Thanks for watching my back, little brother.”
“It’s one for all the times you watched mine.”
Sawyer pulled his brother into a hug, and when they broke apart he said with a grin, “I wish I’d taken that swing at him, though.”
Cort clapped a hand to his shoulder. “I was kind of wishing you had, too. Although I’d have had a tough time explaining that one to my boss. So what now?”
“Now?” Sawyer smiled. “Now I move forward.”
Maya wondered if she could be any more miserable.
It had been over two weeks since that horrible night she’d turned down Sawyer’s proposal, and she hadn’t seen him or talked to him since. She’d tried calling him a few times but only gotten his voice mail telling her to leave a message. Twice she did, keeping it brief, asking him to call so they could talk. He never did.
Obviously it was over between them.
She wished with everything in her she could go back and tell him yes, she’d marry him. She’d let her own fears decide then. And Sawyer was right—she’d let her past come between them, too.
She’d hurt him by making him feel she was another person giving up on him, as if she had no faith in him, and now she’d lost her chance to tell him how sorry she was, how much she loved him and wanted to be with him.
In the last weeks of sleepless nights, Maya seriously thought about moving away from Luna Hermosa. Her commitment to Dr. Gonzales and to her parents stopped her from packing up and taking Joey someplace far away from this town and all the memories. That and the fact that she couldn’t run away. She’d done that with Evan—she’d run back home to escape everything that had gone wrong, telling herself it was better for her and Joey. She wouldn’t do it again.
But she didn’t know if her heart could survive living here, in the same town as Sawyer, with the possibility of seeing him again, maybe with someone else, and knowing she could never be with him.
The phone rang and she stared at it a moment before reluctantly answering.
“You and Joey come over to dinner tonight,” Val said when Maya admitted to having no plans.
“Oh, I don’t know, Val.”
“Don’t even think about saying no. You need to get out of that house. And besides, we haven’t seen either of you for weeks. See you at five,” Val said and hung up before Maya could tell her no.
Maya was still muttering over the whole thing later that afternoon as she finished packing up Joey to leave. She was not in the mood to pretend everything was fine and she knew both Val and Paul would probably be bombarding her with questions about what had gone wrong between her and Sawyer, questions she didn’t feel like answering even for her two friends.
As she stood at their front door, Maya seriously considered turning tail, driving home and calling to tell them she’d suddenly gotten sick. Instead she forced a smile when Val opened the door and ushered her in—and then froze in complete stunned surprise.
Sawyer stood there, waiting.
“Give me that baby before you drop him,” Val said, taking Joey in his seat off Maya’s arm and then shouldering his diaper bag. She nudged Maya in Sawyer’s direction. “Go on. We’ll be in the backyard.”
Maya felt paralyzed. There were so many things she wanted to say, but her brain seemed to have stopped functioning.
Sawyer gave her a lopsided smile that brought tears to her eyes. It seemed like forever since she’d seen that smile. “I’m sorry for not calling you,” he said. “I got your messages, but I had some things I needed to do before I saw you again.”
Maya nodded and brushed hurriedly at her eyes. She wanted to throw herself into his arms and forget the last two weeks had ever happened. Instead she took an unsteady breath and said, “You look good.” He did, she thought, and it wasn’t just the way his jeans fit. There was a difference about him, as if he’d made peace over something that had been haunting him for a long time. “How have you been?”
He shrugged. “Better.”
“Really?”
“I’d say fine but you’d probably throw something at me. I went to see Garrett.”
“Did you? How did that go?” she asked cautiously.
“Not great. But it feels like he’s in the past for good now. And I don’t want to go there again.” Sawyer paused. “I sold my house.”
Maya stared at him in surprise. “Why would you do that? I mean, it was your mother’s and I thought…”
“It was time to move on. I sent most of the stuff back to the grandparents. Except for my chair—I figured they wouldn’t want that,” he said with a grin.
Bewildered by his mood and decisions that didn’t make any sense to her, Maya didn’t know what to say. “What are you going to do now?”
“Now? Now I’m going for a drive. Will you come with me?”
“I—” She glanced in the direction where Val had taken Joey.
“Val and Paul will look after him,” Sawyer said. And as if on cue, Val called from the other room, “Go, already. Joey will be fine.”
Maya looked at Sawyer. “You planned this.”
“Guilty,” he said, holding up his hands. “I asked for their help. I left my truck down the block in case you saw it and decided to bolt before I had the chance to talk to you. Val’s right, Joey will be fine. So will you come with me?”
He held out his hand to her, and after a brief hesitation Maya took it.
“Where are we going?” she asked a few minutes later when she realized Sawyer was heading out of town.
“A place I like,” was all he would say, leaving Maya to wonder just what he had in mind.
They drove about fifteen minutes, not saying much other than small talk—Sawyer asking about Joey and her work at the clinic, Maya asking about his job and growing more and more frustrated because she wanted to talk to him about what mattered and he seemed determined to talk about everything but.
Sawyer finally pulled off onto a small side road that eventually led to what looked to Maya like little more than a dirt path leading up into the edge of the mountains. When he stopped the truck, Maya looked around at the dense pines and craggy earth and felt as if they’d come to some secret place, isolated from the rest of the world.
“It’s just through here,” Sawyer said. Taking her hand again, he led her up through the trees to a clearing that overlooked a small stream and a vista of mountains and turquoise sky.
“It’s beautiful,” Maya said, not really seeing. Having him so close that she could stretch out a hand and touch the face and body she knew by heart was torture.
“Yes, it is.”
She turned and found him watching her with the same longing she felt, so intense, she ached inside.
“I wanted to do things right this time,” he said. His smile was rueful. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. Some of it’s been painful. There have been days I really missed your massages. All those days, actually.”
Trying to smile back, Maya said, “I’ve missed giving them to you.”
Sawyer made a move toward her, then stopped himself. “I missed you. These last few weeks, I felt like part of me was missing—the best part.” He looked into her eyes as if searching her soul for answers he needed. “I can’t guarantee I won’t make mistakes or that I’ll be able to be everything to you. And I know you’re afraid. No, not yet,” he interrupted her when she would have spoken. “I’m still not sure what I’m doing but I know I can figure it out if we’re together. I believe that because of you. And I promise you, no matter what, I’ll always be there for you and Joey. I promise I’ll always love you.”
Taking her hand, Sawyer got down on one knee and looked into her eyes, making Maya a believer in that one moment when she saw all the love and promise he offered her. “Will you marry me?”
“I promise I’ll always love you and I’ll always be there for you, too,” she said, and this time the tears were from happiness, washing away the pain and doubt. “The only thing I’m afraid of now is being without you.”
“So is that a yes?”
Maya laughed and pulled him closer as Sawyer stood up with her in his arms. “Yes,” she said against his mouth a heartbeat before he kissed her until they were both breathless.
“I almost forgot…” Sawyer smiled at her little moan of protest when he put enough space between them for him to reach into his jeans pocket. “This is for you.” He took her left hand and slipped a ring on her third finger, an emerald set in a twist of silver. “It’s not typical, but neither are you. I wanted something special for you.”
“It’s beautiful. But you’ve already given me something special,” she said. “You. You’re the man I always wanted. I think I’ve known it from the moment you delivered our son and everything felt so right.”
“Our son?”
“Hasn’t he been from the beginning?” In his eyes she could see he believed it, too.
“And here I thought you bought all that element-of-surprise stuff.” Sawyer laughed and drew her against him again. “Does that mean you’ll make room for me and my chair for a while until we can find a place of our own?”
“You and your chair will always have a home with Joey and me. But I still can’t believe you gave up that house.”
“It wasn’t us,” Sawyer said simply. “I wanted to go forward. With you. That’s why I brought you here. Does this look like a spot you’d want to build our house on? I put a down payment on the land today.”
Maya leaned back to look him in the eye. “Pretty sure of yourself, aren’t you? What would you have done if I’d said no?”
“Sold the land and slept on Cort’s couch.” He started nibbling kisses along her ear, sliding lower to her throat. “But I knew you wouldn’t.”
“Why’s that?” Maya said, no longer caring about the answer.
“It’s like your mom said,” Sawyer told her just before he abandoned words to let his kiss and touch speak for him. “We belong.”