If I had said less, Carmel might have opened up and admitted that Gill had been in touch with her. I could have persuaded her to talk to Sadie, or I could have helped her make a Child Protection report to a social worker, and the mandatory investigation would have started; I could have seen to it that Gill was arrested and charged. And now I could do none of that. Forewarned, probably in touch with Gill again already, Carmel would deny everything.
I left the cafe and headed in the direction of the university, taking the long way home, facing into the rain, the drops like whips on my cheeks, and night falling as fast as a stone in a lake. Back at the house, I tore off my clothes in the hallway, wrapped myself in a towel and sat on the stairs. How had I let it happen? How had I thrown away the chance to catch Gill in the act of committing a crime that would have got him locked up and unable to hurt anyone else?
But, after a time, the hot rage I felt at myself and at my own stupidity turned cold. Carmel was going to be Gill’s next victim. There was nothing surer. The only way of preventing it was to put him away for Rhona’s murder. I needed to get back to the investigation.
And yet, I didn’t trust myself as much as before. I had been wrong about Joey. I had completely mishandled my meeting with Carmel. What if I made another mistake, a bigger one this time? Exhaustion coursed through me, spread out from my belly, up my neck to my head, and down my legs, and all the way to my fingertips.
I leant my head against the bannister, and closed my eyes.
The doorbell woke me.
‘Thank God you’re here,’ I said.
I took Davy’s hand and led him upstairs.
‘Come on,’ I said, and threw the towel over the bannister.
He laughed.
‘Shit,’ I said, at my bedroom door. ‘No sheets.’
‘No matter,’ Davy said, and pushed me on to the bed.
‘So I’ve a little surprise for you,’ Davy said.
‘I don’t like surprises. I hate them, in fact.’
‘You’ll like this one. I’ve booked Paradiso for dinner.’
‘Tonight? It’s Monday.’
‘Exactly. Which is why I could get a reservation at such short notice. Get dressed or we’ll be late. The table is booked for 7.30.’
‘Davy, I can’t,’ I said.
‘Why?’
‘I just can’t. I’m not in the form. I’m distracted, I spent a lot of the day on the sofa listening to country music and the rest of it …’
‘You love country music,’ Davy said.
‘I know,’ I said.
‘So where’s the problem except that your day got even better because your wonderful friend – your “just good friend”, nothing more – booked your favourite restaurant?’
‘Davy, I appreciate the gesture …’
‘Whoa,’ Davy said, and sat up in bed. ‘Gesture? Is that what this is to you?’
‘I don’t mean it as an insult. I’m just not up to it. I want to do a bit of work, if I can, I haven’t been able to all day, but now I think I could, I have to, there’s so little time …’
‘Great,’ Davy said. ‘Glad to have been of service.’
‘That’s not what I meant. But you know how important this case is to me.’
‘I do,’ Davy said. ‘But I thought we were important too. Or is this how it’s going to be? You working, and fitting me into your schedule when you feel like a quick shag?’
Then would have been the time to tell him about Gill’s visit, and about Carmel.
‘I’m not going to be controlled by you, Davy,’ I said instead. ‘Or emotionally blackmailed. I’ve said I’m not going out, and I’m not.’
‘So I’m blackmailing you now, is it, just because I’ve booked a fucking restaurant for dinner? Where we could actually talk, for a change, or would that be so wrong? Jesus Christ.’
Davy got out of bed and looked down at me.
‘I’ve news for you, Finn. Label it what you like, be it “friends with benefits” or “just good friends”. But whatever this is, it’s not going to cut it with me. We’re either fucking each other and having a relationship, or we’re not. And when you decide what you want, let me know and I’ll see if I’m still available.’
He got dressed in silence.
‘Don’t go,’ I whispered. ‘Not like this.’
‘Oh I’m going all right,’ Davy said.
He left the bedroom without saying goodbye and I heard the front door shut behind him with a soft click. He was gone, he couldn’t be, but he was. In my mind’s eye, I saw him walking away and never coming back. I jumped out of bed and ran down the stairs, pulling on my robe as I went. By the time I reached the gate, he was most of the way down the lane.
‘Davy, stop,’ I shouted. ‘I can explain.’
He turned.
‘Explain what?’
‘Explain why I can’t go out tonight,’ I said. ‘Come back.’
He thought about it, then walked halfway back.
‘I’m listening.’
‘I had a bad day,’ I said. ‘Starting with my visitor this morning.’
‘Who?’
‘Who do you think?’
‘Haven’t a notion.’
‘Him.’
‘Gill?’
I nodded.
‘I’ll kill him.’
‘Don’t kill him,’ I said. ‘Just don’t leave me. Not tonight.’