RÉPUBLIQUE FRANÇAISE
France legalised same-sex marriage in 2013. At the same time they also legalised same-sex affairs.
Population:
67 MILLION
The Louvre is one of the most visited museums in the world and is full of visitors from many different nations, all saying ‘Ooh, isn’t it smaller than it looks in pictures?’
Capital:
PARIS
Under French law, 40 per cent of all music played on radio stations must be of French origin. As a consequence, everyone in France is sick of ‘Joe le taxi’.
The French and the British have co-operated on many major transport projects including Concorde, the Channel Tunnel and of course the Talbot Samba.
Currency:
EURO
Although the French work hard to preserve the integrity and traditions of the French language, many modern words are the same as English, such as ‘l’internet’, ‘un blog’, ‘un email’ and ‘le wifi’ or, as British people trying to use a French keyboard would have it, ‘le zifi … arrrgh, why is the Z up there?’
Famous people:
GÉRARD DEPARDIEU, BRIGITTE BARDOT, ZINEDINE ZIDANE, ERIC CANTONA, THIERRY HENRY, NAPOLEON BONAPARTE
France produces almost 1 billion tons of cheese a year. And then makes a little more for export.
The presenters decided to prove that old Maseratis are brilliant, with a bloody-minded trip to France. This was only the second thing ever filmed for The Grand Tour. And the night before shooting, James broke his arm like a big clot.
James attends to the engine of his Maserati with the help of an unruly ape.
Richard Hammond.
The man who did an homage to a 1980s Volkswagen advert, just as the smart money moved out.
Literally the most sporty thing Jeremy has ever done in his life.
Two kinds of knob.
James broke his arm by falling in the street after a night in the pub. He swore that these were completely unrelated facts.
Count the cameras. There are usually three on a ‘Big Three’ presenter shoot like this.
A beached buffoon in an old Italian car.
Bang on cue, the official Grand Tour boot licker shows up.
A Grand Tour favourite: the ‘describe-a-fish’ game.
FRENCH PHRASES FOR FRENCH CAR ENTHUSIASTS
If you’re a French car enthusiast in Britain you’ll probably want to take your car for a driving holiday in its homeland of France. Here are some phrases to help you on your way.
I’m sorry, I seem to have suffered lift-off oversteer into your field.
Je suis désolé, il me semble avoir souffert lift-off survirage dans votre champ.
Excuse me if the appearance of my Peugeot 3008 is what caused your wife’s nausea.
Excusez-moi si I’apparition de ma Peugeot 3008 est causé co la nausée de votre femme.
This part seems to have come off in my hand.
Cette partie semble avoir comme dans ma main.
I could not hear my sat-nav over all the rattling and that is why I drove into your river.
Je ne pouvais pas entendre sur toute la crécelle mon sat-nav et voilà pourquoi je suis entré dans votre rivière.
This other part seems to have come off in my hand.
Semble avoir cette autre partie que dans ma main.
I did not realise the name Renault Fuego was so literal.
Je ne savais pas le nom Renault Fuego était si littérale.
Please do not touch that, it is made of extremely thin plastic.
S’il vous plaît ne touchez pas que, il est fait de plastique extrêmement mince.
The damage was caused by a mouse that accessed the interior through one of the panel gaps.
Les dégâts ont été causés par une souris qui accéde à I’intérieur par I’un des panneau lacunes.
Another part has come off in my hand and unfortunately it is the steering wheel.
Une autre partie est venu dans ma main et, malheureusement, il est le volant.
Do you have another Saxo, mine seems to have gone soggy?
Avez-vous une autre Saxo, le mien semble avoir été détrempée?
Here we are beside beautiful Loch Ness, which is in Scotland. We’re staying in a massive old building which might have been a boarding school or an asylum, We’re not sure. With the Grand Tour team in residence it feels like both. Place is so big James went wandering around the central quad the other night and then couldn’t remember how to get back to his room. Fortunately, we could all remember the way to the local pub so we went there. That’s the best thing to do in this part of the world. Admire beautiful view, then go to local pub. And repeat. Except when we have to make a show. Which we did. And it went very well. So the next day we did another one. Two reasons for this; first, Richard and James are genuinely obsessed with seeing the Loch Ness monster and Jeremy is genuinely obsessed with proving that it doesn’t exist. Second, we like it here and it saves moving the tent and finding somewhere else to put it. So we’ve filmed two episodes. And now we’re off to the local pub again. Bye,
THE GRAND TOUR
The Celebrity Brain Crash machine was one of the highlights of the first series of The Grand Tour, especially among people who didn’t actually watch the first series of The Grand Tour. However, due to a series of technical problems out of our control – e.g. celebrities dying – we didn’t actually get to see the machine in action, and this left some people wondering, what is it all about? Well, the Celebrity Brain Crash machine was created by some of the world’s top scientists and James May’s friend Ken, and it’s inspired by the actual tests used by the Royal Air Force to ruthlessly weed out weaker candidates during the selection process to work in their canteen. But how, you might be wondering, does the machine actually work? Well, to give you a flavour of its highly complex inner workings, here is the official start-up procedure that must be used to enter the world of Celebrity Brain Crash. Cue the absolutely terrible introductory graphics …
1. Open the construm valves (front and rear).
2. Using the Bellingham gauge on the front, wait until the forstal pressure has reached at least 2.2 (Gna).
3. Once the correct pressure is achieved, degas the glorring facet by depressing the obviation nozzle cap and turning it ambi-clockwise.
4. Wait until the high-pitched noise has ceased and then press the ignition spockler NO MORE than 18 times.
5. A red light will illuminate to confirm that both Kestrel hammers have engaged and the antion rachet is now active. At this point carefully apply pressure to the tweest cap.
6. Check that both Hampson valves are in the upward position and fully de-knuckled.
7. You may now depress the capital hat to start the master processor.
8. Upon start-up, the main screen should show the Swannage prompt for approximately 37 minutes after which it will ask, ‘Do you want to initiate contra mass protocol (Y/N)?’ DO NOT press Y or N.
9. Press the hat symbol button for 3–19 seconds (depending on temperature) until you see a red dot on the screen. Do not look directly at the dot for longer than necessary.
10. A loud beep indicates that the master RIM head is now in place and you must proceed with the anterior start-up procedure within 2 seconds or the transfer caps will become friberated.
11. The Anson capsule will now issue a secondary code prompt (aural, visual and the other one). When received, immediately enter your PIN into the lower handset.
12. The initiation tone will sound and the main lightbar should cycle through the standardised emergency protocols. Do not be alarmed, this is not the sign that there is a fire, unless you smell burning, in which case it is.
13. When all seven of the green LEDs have fallen off, you may hold down the RETURN key, the SPACE bar and the LOOKS A BIT LIKE A CAT button to authorise the Jepson scripts to initialise (two per sealed Lang unit).
14. Since the previous step can take up to nine (minutes or hours, latitude dependent), use this opportunity to inspect the mole heads for tears and other signs of damage. Rinse out as necessary.
WARNING, the next few steps are not for the faint-hearted.
15. When the omnivium clasp opens, the main switch bank is ready to be depressurised. Doing so will tell the key batch hangers to power across. This will happen sequentially and may be accompanied by a low smell. Do not be alarmed more than is normal.
16. Open the vents on the Anders-Gnilling unit as required.
17. Initiate a primary load bank processor cache test by scrolling through the on-screen menu until you find the option marked ‘Optimal confragration routine’.
18. Once the multi core B90-4 chips have reached full interfaciality (as indicated by the masterboard control panel turning green or something similar), you may enter the kerl prompt (A or B) to trigger an internal clock sequence to initiate the game software.
19. When the Janet flash becomes white, the on-screen prompt will ask if you wish to load full protocols (Ooh, yes please / No thank you, but thanks for asking). Select the first option using the direction-control helm. Be warned, it may be quite hot and also sticky.
20. When you see the full welcome screen, take a note of the numbers displayed on the ulterior display bulb and do not show them to anyone else, even if they ask.
21. Activate the test cycle for the playing interface control league by flicking the far left Massingham switch to the often position.
22. When the blue light goes out, you can twist the Greasby slot to the … actually, forget it, the celebrity has just died. Again.
23. Please now turn the machine OFF and allow it to cool down.
MATCH THE STAR TO THE CAR
Certain top celebrity faces are forever associated with a certain car, but can you match the stars below to the machine that everyone always mentions in relation to their name?
RICHARD HAMMOND’S FIENDISHLY DIFFICULT INTERNATIONAL QUIZ
1. The Austrian city of Vienna is the capital of which country?
2. Which country does Air India come from?
3. In which country would you find the German region of Bavaria?
4. The Arc de Triomphe is a French monument located in which country?
5. Which country’s national anthem is called ‘O Canada’?
6. Name the country at the very South of Africa.
7. Australian racing driver Mark Webber is from which country?
8. Which country is someone from if they tell you they are ‘Japanese’?
9. Ferraris come from which Italian country?
10. Which country does Chinese food come from?
