REPÚBLICA PORTUGUESA
(If you are Portuguese and also very formal)
Portuguese inventions include peri-peri sauce and therefore also the invention of teenagers going on crap dates to chicken restaurants.
Population:
11 MILLION
The Algarve International Circuit at Portimão is famed for its challenging, technical design, which has been known to make Jeremy Clarkson’s house explode.
Capital:
LISBON
THE MOTTO OF PORTUGAL IS ‘MMM, CUSTARD TARTS’.
In 1373 Britain and Portugal signed the Anglo-Portuguese Alliance, which is still in force today. This agreement promises that each nation shall defend the other in the event of war, as long as they’re not too busy and it’s not a bank holiday or anything.
Currency:
EURO
Portuguese explorer Pedro Álvares Cabral was the first European to discover Brazil, although he also found it was too big to bring home with him.
Famous people:
CRISTIANO RONALDO (FOOTBALLER), LUÍS FIGO (FOOTBALLER), RUI COSTA (FOOTBALLER), JOSÉ MOURINHO (FOOTBALL MANAGER), VASCO DA GAMA (NOTHING TO DO WITH FOOTBALL)
From the sixth until the eighth century, the Iberian peninsula was under the control of the Visigoths, who really liked both The Cure and wearing reflective bands on their black clothes if cycling at night.
Before The Grand Tour had a name or indeed any other ideas, there was this. A trip to Portugal for the ultimate hypercar shoot-out. That’s why no one in this film mentions the name of the show. At that point, it didn’t have one. Although James suggested ‘Nigel’.
Setting up this shoot took many, many months, not least because McLaren and Ferrari were very particular about the location, the back-up provided and the tyres the cars used. Porsche, less so.
Richard experiences a moment of severe underpant damage at the wheel of the insane P1.
Something we might never see again: James May powersliding. Oh, also, three hypercars together.
The location for this test was the Algarve International Circuit in Portimao. It opened in 2008 and is sometimes used for Formula One testing.
PORTUGAL – LAND OF INADVISABLE BETS
‘IF THE MCLAREN P1 ISN’T FASTER THAN THOSE OTHER TWO CARS YOU CAN KNOCK MY HOUSE DOWN … OH BUGGER’
– JEREMY CLARKSON
‘IF THERE’S SUCH A THING AS MALARIA YOU CAN HAVE MY VICEROYSHIP OF PORTUGUESE INDIA … OH BUGGER’
– VASCO DA GAMA
‘IF WE DON’T BEAT THESE NORWEGIANS IN THIS CHAMPIONS LEAGUE MATCH I WILL STOP MANAGING CHELSEA (BUT THEN COME BACK AGAIN IN 2013) … OH BUGGER’
– JOSÉ MOURINHO
‘THERE’S NO WAY THIS SPICY CHICKEN RECIPE IS GOING TO WORK AND IF IT DOES YOU CAN LET A SOUTH AFRICAN MAN USE IT TO BUILD A SUCCESSFUL RESTAURANT CHAIN … OH BUGGER’
– EVERYONE IN PORTUGAL
‘I PROMISE YOU LAPU-LAPU WILL WANT TO CONVERT TO CHRISTIANITY AND IF I’M WRONG YOU CAN STAB ME WITH A BAMBOO SPEAR … OH BUGGER’
– FERDINAND MAGELLAN
GO AWAY MAY
When planning your next holiday, why not consider the advantages of GO AWAY MAY, the only holiday company owned and operated by that James May man who is sometimes on your television.
A holiday from GO AWAY MAY takes away all your normal stresses and replaces them with new stresses, such as the kind brought on by realising that your flight home leaves in 20 minutes and you are still on a coach driven by a shaggy-haired gentleman who believes this is the correct direction despite the exhortations of the other passengers and the local man we ran over a few miles back.
But that’s all to come. A GO AWAY MAY holiday starts from the moment you leave your house and have to stand outside it for 47 minutes because your taxi driver is James May and he’s had to go back to get your tickets, which he forgot when he left his office.
Once aboard your aeroplane you really can relax, knowing that up in the cockpit the controls are being smoothly operated by James May, who is a fully qualified pilot AND knows the names of two other airports, though neither is where you’re supposed to be going.
Finally, you reach your destination hotel, usually within two or three days of the stated arrival time. As you wait for news of the other people in your party, you can sit back in a brown corduroy chair, sip on a pint of bitter and reflect on how the relevant authorities will probably find them soon.
Then it’s time to check in to your room, personally organised by James May and containing everything he himself would look for in a hotel, by which we mean two bottles of warm ginger beer and a massive switch that turns all the lights off at once.
As evening falls it’s time to visit the restaurant, where you can peruse a high-quality menu knowing that James May has curated the selection personally and that, as a result, it’s just a single piece of cardboard with two kinds of pie written on it.
Your holiday starts here. Where it ends, no one knows. James has lost the bit of paper with your details on it.
SAMPLE ACTIVITIES ON YOUR GO AWAY MAY HOLIDAY
The Lazenby-Ruddock transmission overdrive system. A brief guide.
(Running time: 9 hours)
Stripping, inspecting, cleaning and rebuilding a Thrubson 8J-80 carburettor.
(Running time: 14 hours)
Radial-engined aircraft of the inter-war years. A brief history.
(Running time: 19 hours and 2 days)
THE GREATEST CAR-MAKING COUNTRIES ON EARTH
USA
Current annual production: 12 million
Epicentre: Detroit
Most famous cars: Ford Model T, Ford Mustang, Chevrolet Corvette, Ford Thunderbird, and lots of others
Best current model: Ford GT
The USA has two solid claims to being the greatest car-making nation in history, the first being that mass production of cars was perfected here. The second is that, from the Model T to the Mustang, it’s made so much memorable stuff. Detroit’s best days might be behind it, but the old town rose from the dead after the financial crash and isn’t done for yet, even if a lot of the assembly of stuff in the USA now happens under foreign ownership in un-car-y places like Tennessee and Alabama. Even so, the fact remains that America still builds and buys a lot of cars. And some of them are even quite good.
Current annual production: 1.8 million
Epicentre: Birmingham
Most famous cars: Mini, Jaguar E-Type, Range Rover, Morris Minor, Jaguar XJ6, and so on.
Best current model: Range Rover
Great Britain was once the world’s second-largest car-making nation after the USA and once boasted the world’s largest factory, the Austin plant at Longbridge in Birmingham. Britain came up with ground-breaking new models like the Mini, which showed that front-wheel-drive was the way to make a small car, and the Range Rover, which showed that 4x4s weren’t just for farmers. But that was all a long time ago. What does Britain have now? Well, it’s got over 30 factories, from the vast mass production of Nissan in Sunderland to the gentler pace of tiny companies like Ariel in Somerset, and they’re making more cars now than they have in two decades, from the Mini and Honda Civic to the Morgan Three-wheeler and McLaren 720S. When it comes to designing, developing and building cars, Britain is still officially ‘quite busy’. And ‘quite good’. Any more would lack British understatement.
ITALY
Current annual production: 1.1 million
Epicentre: Turin
Most famous cars: Ferrari 250 GTO, Lamborghini Miura, Alfa Romeo Spider, Fiat 500, Lancia Fulvia, and so on.
Best current model: Ferrari 488 GTB (or, if you ask Jeremy, the Alfa Giulia Quadrifoglio)
What can you say about a country that has given us Ferrari, Lamborghini, Maserati, Alfa Romeo and Lancia? You can say, ‘Wait, that sounds like you’re describing Italy. They’re really good at making sporty cars, aren’t they?’ Yes. Yes they are. In fact, Italy is historically so good at making fast, beautiful cars crammed with an indefinable and heady personality that there’s a whole book to be written just containing Italian car clichés. They’re also, you might note, very good at small cars too. Well, Fiat is. Funnily enough, Ferrari has never tried. You might think that Italy’s best days are behind it, but the sensational modern Ferrari range, the wonders of the Alfa Giulia, even the ongoing appeal of the Fiat 500 to anyone who lives in a city and is, or knows someone, called Emma, demonstrates that Italy has still got the skills to pay the bills. And Chrysler’s bills too.
FRANCE
Current annual production: 2 million
Epicentre: Paris
Most famous cars: Citroën Traction Avant, Citroën 2CV, Renault 4, Renault 5, Peugeot 205, Citroën DS, etc
Best current model: Alpine A110
You can’t leave the French off any list of great car-making nations. They invented the idea of incredibly relaxing cars with suspension so soft the ash wouldn’t fall off the end of your untipped cigarette. They invented the practical, swivel-seated people carrier (as long as you forget that the Renault Espace was actually designed in Coventry). They even invented the hot hatchback with the Simca 1100Ti, let VW nab the idea for the Golf GTI, then took it back and used it to smack the Germans in the chops with sensational tearaways like the Peugeot 205 GTi, the Renault 5 GT Turbo, the Citroën AX GT, the Peugeot 306 GTi, the Citroën Saxo VTS, the Renault Clio Williams, the… You get the idea. The French are good at this stuff, just as they’re also good at doing mad things like the Renault Avantime and that DS5 which pretends it’s not a Citroën and seems to have too many sunroofs. The French may have had a few wobbles in recent years, not least from Peugeot who appeared to lose the sporty yet comfortable plot for a while, but the spongy, bungy Citroën C4 Cactus and hilariously lively Peugeot 308 GTi show all is not lost.
Current annual production: 6 million
Epicentre: Stuttgart
Most famous cars: Mercedes 300SL, VW Golf, VW Beetle, BMW M3, BMW 507, Mercedes S-class, und many more.
Best current model: Take your pick
Germany has no trouble laying claim to being a great car-making nation on account of, oh you know, basically inventing the car. Germany’s real skill, however, seems to be taking basic ideas from elsewhere, making them work properly, and then selling them to a world that is in love with the reassuring thunk of sensible Germanic engineering. The Beetle didn’t invent carefully engineered rear-engined motoring for the masses. The Golf GTI didn’t invent the hot hatchback. BMW didn’t even invent the idea of small, sporty saloon cars for people with ‘executive’ in their job title. But in each case the Germans finished the job and made it a success. It’s a trick they’re still pulling off today, which is why, though someone else first had the idea of making a sensible, practical, medium-sized hatchback, whenever you need to recommend one to a friend you end up telling them to buy a Golf.
Current annual production: 200,000
Epicentre: Gothenburg
Most famous cars: SAAB 99 Turbo, Volvo 850R, Koenigsegg CCX
Best current model: Koenigsegg Regera
Sweden doesn’t make very many cars and frankly never has. But that’s not the point. It doesn’t have very many people either and yet it managed to turn out Björn Borg and ABBA. Quality, not quantity. And just look at the quality of cars Sweden has turned out over the years. Not the prettiest, not the fastest, not the sportiest, but certainly the nicest. If you’re a stickler for a logical dashboard, a tremendously comfortable seat and projecting a calm, quiet, thoughtful image, you want your car to be from Sweden. Not that the Swedes are boring, you understand. Every so often they come up with something fast like the SAAB 99 Turbo or the Koenigsegg CCX, cars that are only made more fun for coming from the land of extremely crisp instrument markings and griddle-spec heated seats. Sadly, SAAB is no longer with us, but Sweden still does what it’s always done. Quality, not quantity.
Current annual production: 28 million
Epicentre: Wuhan
Most famous cars: Citroën Fukang, Roewe 750, all those ones that look suspiciously like European cars but aren’t
Best current model: Lynk & Co 01
In car-making terms, China is one of the world’s new boys. Just 30 years ago they made about 5,000 cars a year. Now their annual car output is greater than that of the USA and Japan put together. No one builds more cars than the Chinese, which is quite an achievement. The Chinese are learning fast and their design work is getting more original just as their car names are getting more comprehensible. Let’s also not forget that the Chinese now own MG, Volvo, Lotus and the people who build the famous London black cabs. They’re also forgoing ahead with new tech, including electric cars, at a pace that would embarrass the old guard. Underestimate the Chinese at your peril.
INDIA
Current annual production: 4.5 million
Epicentre: Chennai
Most famous cars: Hindustan Ambassador, Premier Padmini
Best current model: Tata Nano
India has had a car industry for a long time, but for years it was represented by just a handful of companies making local versions of outdated Morrises and Fiats. Over time, they bought in some new designs but these too were other people’s leftovers, mostly the random cast-offs of the British car industry such as the Rover SD1, Austin Montego and Reliant Kitten. None did remotely as well as the famous Hindustan Ambassador, a 1950s Morris Oxford that seemed to make up 90 per cent of Indian urban traffic. But all that has changed, and the Indian car industry is coming up with its own stuff now, led by Tata, who not only create their own designs, including the ingenious low-cost Nano, but also own Britain’s Jaguar and Land Rover. India has also quietly become an R&D centre for the global car industry and, because it’s never forgotten good old-fashioned craftsmanship, is also where at least one well-known Euro car maker has had flashy motor show concepts made. Meanwhile, the Ambassador finally went out of production in 2014 and the name has now been bought by Peugeot. Austin didn’t want it back on account of being dead.
Current annual production: 4.2 million
Epicentre: Ulsan
Most famous cars: Hyundai Pony, Kia Pride, Hyundai Coupe, Kia Cee’d
Best current model: Kia Stinger
One of the world’s newcomers in car-making terms, before 1975 South Korea had little home-grown car industry to speak of. Then industrial conglomerate Hyundai decided to change that and hired a former British Leyland bigwig to make it so. The end result was basically a nicer-looking Morris Marina, engineered by Mitsubishi staff earning money on the side by flying to South Korea at weekends. It was called the Pony and it wasn’t very good. Nor was their next car, the Stellar, which was a re-hashed Ford Cortina. But Hyundai, and South Korea, learned fast. With a combination of low prices and long warranties, they got a foot in the door and then improved their styling and engineering beyond belief in order to kick that door down. Now Hyundai-Kia is the third-biggest vehicle maker in the world, Pretty impressive for a company that had yet to design its own car in the year Ford celebrated its 70th birthday. Of course, although Hyundai and Kia are the core of today’s South Korean car industry, you can’t forget SsangYong. Look, I know you’ve tried. God knows, we all have. But you can’t forget SsangYong. Sorry.
Current annual production: 9 million
Epicentre: Nagoya
Most famous cars: Toyota 2000GT, Honda NSX, Nissan 240Z, Lexus LFA, Toyota Corolla, and so on
Best current model: Honda NSX
Germany may lay claim to inventing the car and America may have got it into affordable mass production, but Japan is the place that made it work properly. Being so obsessed with doors that fitted and engines that ran without needing constant attention may have gained the Japanese a reputation for being a bit boring back when owners of American and European cars couldn’t take such things for granted, but the Japanese have always been able to pull a little something special out of their beautifully made back pockets just to show that they’re not dullards. Hence, full-house classics like the Nissan 240Z or the Toyota 2000GT. And the accusation that the Japanese are copycats isn’t entirely fair either because there’s nothing on earth that drives like the glorious Lexus LFA, nor indeed anything that looks like it. Of course, there’s nothing else that looks like the current Toyota Prius either, and for that we should be thankful. But even Japan’s most manky-looking cars are precisely engineered and impeccably made, both of which explain why half the world relies on Toyota Hiluxes and the other half is happily on to its third Corolla.
Having an amazing time here in California. Pitched the tent in a place called Apple Valley, which doesn’t seem to have any apples in it. Mostly just desert.
Got here the day before cameras rolled so we all went out to see the set. Presenters couldn’t believe all the brilliant cars we’d got lined up – spent a couple of hours just wandering about looking at them and taking pictures. We really liked the Vector. Next day we had to film the big opening sequence. Couldn’t believe a mad idea Jeremy had in the office was all coming true. Cars, planes, fire-breathing metal dragons and fighter planes. Hothouse Flowers played other songs in the breaks to amuse the audience. Top band. The following day we filmed the bit inside the tent. Killed a few celebrities but it all went well. When it was done and the audience had gone home, the presenters went out into the crowd-holding tent with some beers and sat on hay bales watching the sun go down and taking it in turns to pretend to be dead. Carol Vorderman came with us but she’d already been dead today so she pretended to be alive.
Happy times.
See you soon,
THE GRAND TOUR
There are lots of ways to cover big distances around the world, from cars to boats to aeroplanes. But most people overlook another excellent way to travel – the hot-air balloon. Just look at some of the advantages of making your next long-distance trip by hot-air balloon:
• Drift peacefully over land or sea
• Very quiet (apart from that noisy burner thing)
• Literally impossible to control
• Won’t go in the direction you want
• Vastly increased risk of drifting into power lines
When planning your next trip, don’t forget to travel by hot-air balloon. The only way to travel for anyone who wants to call the people they were supposed to be having a meeting with in order to explain that they’re late because they’ve drifted out to sea in a massive exclamation mark again.
