AL-URDUNN OR THE HASHEMITE KINGDOM OF JORDEN
Jordan is home to a unique military facility dedicated to making television features that viewers don’t like.
Population:
10 MILLION
Jordan the country should not be confused with Jordan the pneumatic chest nuisance.
JORDAN IS HOME TO THE ANCIENT CITY OF PETRA, BETTER KNOWN AS ‘THAT PLACE FROM THAT INDIANA JONES FILM’.
Currency:
JORDANIAN DINAR
The 2015 Matt Damon film The Martian was not filmed on Mars but in Jordan. Unlike the 2000 documentary film Michael Jordan to the Max, which, ironically, was shot on Mars.
Capital:
AMMAN
The traditional dish of Jordan is mansaf, which is lamb cooked in fermented yoghurt and seasoned with paprika and cumin, served with flatbread and rice. Or, if you’re Richard Hammond, you could just have cheese on toast.
Jordan the country should not be confused with Jordan the Formula One team run by an unusually clothed speaking enthusiast.
Famous people:
KING HUSSEIN OF JORDAN, KING ABDULLAH II OF JORDAN, QUEEN RANIA OF JORDAN
In one of their most ambitious endeavours to date, Jeremy, Richard and James went to Jordan to try their hand at being super army soldiers. How many times did they die? Who knows? Did anyone care? Erm …
Double camera coverage as a middle-aged man in ill-fitting camo gear slowly peels a quail’s egg in the middle of a military training base. All perfectly normal.
Actual Jeremy dangles from an actual helicopter, moments before losing his actual trousers.
Weapons used in this film include SIG Sauer P226, G&P MK18 Mod 0, M4 carbine and FN Minimi. Total number of rounds used during filming: 6,900.
James May strafes the airliner. A phrase we all knew we’d hear one day.
Jeremy in unusually jaunty mood for someone who has just been hosed down with relentless gunfire.
Jeremy gets molested by unseen terrorists. Amazon were (unsurprisingly) quite perplexed by this scene on first viewing.
James hangs out with a pretend Queen Elizabeth II only by suppressing his pretend inner republican.
Hammond wallops Clarkson in the head with a shovel. Just like in all of his sweet, sweet dreams.
JORDAN KNIGHT
Singer, dancer, old kid on the block
JORDAN
Model, author, specifically bulbous person
JORDAN BELFORT
Stockbroker, author, wolf (of Wall St.)
JORDIN SPARKS
Singer, songwriter, fairly atrocious speller
JORDAN, MICHAEL
Basketballist and air-based training-shoe enthusiast
EDDIE JORDAN
Pundit, team owner, constant speaking noise
JORDAN CLARKSON
Basketball player. No, really, look it up
JORDAN
First Bishop of Poland. No, really, look it up
JORDANS
Apostrophe-phobic maker of breakfast cereal
FILMS WITH JEREMY CLARKSON
Travelling is boring. Fortunately, you can make it more unboring by watching a good film. But what is a good film? Well, don’t worry, I’ve come up with this handy film assessment system that will help to make up your mind. Simply answer the questions opposite and you’ll know for certain if the film you’re watching is any good.
HAS THERE BEEN A MINIMUM OF TWO CAR CHASES?
And did one of the car chases start with someone jumping in front of a random car and then commandeering it with the words, ‘I’m going to need your vehicle. The president is in danger’?
HAVE ANY OF THE CHARACTERS USED ONE OR MORE OF THE FOLLOWING PHRASES?
‘Secure the perimeter’, ‘The cordon has been compromised’, ‘Patch it to my PDA’, ‘Not on my watch’, ‘FREEZE! FBI!’
HAS A MAN FALLEN OUT OF A PLANE BUT AS HE’S FALLING HE’S STILL FIRING BACK AT THE PLANE?
DID THE LEAD CHARACTER SMASH A BADDY IN THE FACE WITH A SECURITY BARRIER…
…and then say ‘access denied’ (or similar)?
DOES SOMEONE FIRE TWO AUTOMATIC WEAPONS INTO A ROOM AT ONCE WITH THEIR ARMS CROSSED?
DO SOME BIRDS TAKE OFF IN SLOW MOTION FOR NO READILY APPARENT REASON?
If you can answer yes to at least three of these questions, it’s probably a good film.
Hello from North Yorkshire. Had a great drive here across the moors in a load of hot hatchbacks led by Jeremy, who is an evangelist for the A170 road. With good reason, because it’s brilliant. He also claimed to know the best fish and chip shop in Whitby so we went there only to find some of our crew had got in first and eaten all of the large cod. Jeremy compensated for this by ordering two small cods and wolfing them down, but then ruined the impressive effect by washing it all down with a small fizzy lager. Richard and James got it right by having proper brown Northern beer. Had fish and chips again for lunch next day. First studio recording went well. Had fish and chips for dinner. Still wasn’t bored of it. Next day, another studio recording. Doing two here because we like it so much. Also, it’s less expensive than going abroad again. Had fish and chips for lunch. Might be addicted to fish and chips. Another great audience for second show. Feels like being home. More fish and chips for dinner. Might have to take some back to the office. See you soon,
THE GRAND TOUR
Getting an Upgrade
A plane of dummies. And also some plastic life-sized models of people.
Getting an airline upgrade is the dream of any traveller, whether it’s getting bumped upwards from economy to business, from business to first, or from first to being allowed to fly the plane. But airlines don’t hand out such things willy-nilly. In fact, they generally don’t hand them out at all unless it is in exchange for something called ‘money’. But don’t despair. There are certain insiders’ tips and tricks that can help you to achieve that dream upgrade for free. Just follow as many as possible of the examples opposite and in no time you’ll be sitting slightly nearer the impact!
Use the power of suggestion by legally changing your name to ‘Mr Upgrade’ or, for more powerful effect, ‘Lord Upgrade-Now’.
Gain access to any part of the plane you want by becoming a member of the cabin crew.
Walk straight into first class while loudly shouting, ‘I AM THE KATE MOSS.’
Gain access to the first-class cabin by disguising yourself as a real metal knife or quilted eye mask.
Bring your own fully reclining bed seat, complimentary gin and tonics and fillet steak, and enjoy them in economy.
Become a pilot. No one sits nearer the front than pilots.
Claim to have a ‘medical condition’ that makes it vital that you can have a lie-down and a free glass of Scotch if you want to.
