ITALIA
At its height, the Roman Empire stretched from Portugal to Syria and from North Africa to the top of England. But the Scottish told them to sod off.
The Italians are responsible for Fiat, Ferrari, Lancia, Alfa Romeo, De Tomaso, Lamborghini, Maserati and Pagani. It wouldn’t seem so unfair if they weren’t also really good at food, art and fashion. Selfish. That’s what it is, it’s selfish.
Population:
60 MILLION
An Italian politician automatically receives a long-service medal if they have not been killed or bought off after their first day in office.
Capital:
ROME
The Italian word for ‘lunch’ is the same as the Italian word for ‘very civilised two-hour break in the middle of the day’.
Currency:
EURO
According to Richard Hammond, the Italian word for ‘pizza’ is, amazingly, ‘pizza’.
Fans of the Ferrari Formula One team are known as the ‘tifosi’. This word literally means ‘covered in branded clothing’.
Famous people:
SILVIO BERLUSCONI,
Valentino Rossi, Enzo Ferrari, Ferruccio Lamborghini, Carla Bruni, Leonardo da Vinci, a lot of artists and footballers.
When Jeremy and James decided to go on a gentlemanly grand tour of Italy in two cars that are refined and civilised, they didn’t bank on the company of Richard Hammond, who isn’t, and a Dodge Charger Hellcat, which isn’t either.
The international symbol for ‘loser’. Unless you accidentally use your left hand, then it’s the international symbol for ‘juice box’.
The Aston Martin DB11, resplendent in brown or orange, depending on how colour blind and belligerent you are.
The Rolls-Royce Dawn doesn’t come with a DSLR camera in the back seat. We put that there for filming.
James May preparing to set off, a process that can take up to four days.
Richard Hammond poses with his work. He went to art college, you know. James May poses with his cunning disguise. He didn’t go to disguise college, you know.
Jeremy and James are pulled from the waters of Venice and into the welcome arms of our crew. James later admitted that he really thought he was going to drown.
James does some painting. Of a thing that’s to his right. Logical easel placement not a strong point.
Clarkson very subtly expresses his feelings about Hammond arriving.
CLICHÉ-O-METER
Whenever anyone tests an Italian car it is an unofficial requirement for them to trot out the same clichés everyone has been using for 50 years. Here is your guide to the strength of cliché you may encounter when reading any road test of an Italian car.
RICHARD HAMMOND
A rapid-fire Q&A with the local radio DJ turned Grand Tour presenter
HELLO, RICHARD.
Hello!
So, first question: Jeremy Clarkson – can you sum him up in three words?
Will children read this book?
They might.
Oh. Oh dear. That’s going to be tricky then. Can we come back to this one?
Of course. What about James May? Can you sum him up in three words?
Are children still reading?
They might be.
Riiiiight. Might have to come back to this one too. Sorry.
That’s okay. Here’s an easier one. Sum up The Grand Tour in three words.
Erm, okay, right. Tele … vision … show.
That’s two words.
Oh, okay. Tele … vision … show … about … cars.
That’s four words.
No, I’m using ‘television show’ as one word.
But ‘television show’ isn’t one word.
It is to some people.
Which people?
Me. Ah-ha, didn’t think of that did you?
No. But, with respect, that’s not really a cogent argument. Just because one person thinks or does something doesn’t make it correct.
Alright, James May. I didn’t realise this interview was called ‘three minutes in which someone comes into Richard’s office and is really pedantic about stuff’.
Speaking of which, time is short and we should move on. I have to ask, when I was interviewing Jeremy there was a noise outside and he claimed it was you falling down the stairs. Is that correct?
Oh for God’s sake, you have one little accident or two and they want to make out like you’re some kind of bungling Inspector Clouseau character who can’t do a single thing without turning it into a massive farce. It’s simply not true.
In fairness, and I wasn’t going to mention this, you seem to have a stapler stuck to your sleeve.
Yes, I know. I put it there. Deliberately.
So you didn’t fall down the stairs earlier?
Well I might have, a little bit. But that’s not the point. Everyone falls down the stairs once or twice a day.
Do they?
Yes. Yes they do. I know I do. It doesn’t make me accident prone. Likewise, the stapler. Did you know that stapling mishaps kill more people in Britain every year than other common accidents such as trying to drink from a tap and accidentally turning the tap on too much and then loads of water comes out of your nose and then you almost drown to death.
I’ve never heard of that happening to anyone.
It happens all the time. It’s happened to me twice this week alone. Taps are lethal.
And stairs.
I don’t want to dwell on the stairs. And I mean that quite literally. But yes, they’re lethal. Look, my point is that I’m not some kind of flailing buffoon, some sort of Norman Wisdom character. I mean, look, this window here has been open the whole time I’ve been talking to you and have I fallen out of it?
No, I suppose not.
Exactly. You listen to the other two and they’re always saying, ‘Oh, don’t let Hammond near open windows. Let’s move Hammond’s office off the first floor. Let’s put child locks on all the taps and stop storing anvils on that shelf’ and it’s nonsense.
Yes, I see. So, to get back to the original question. Can you describe Jeremy Clarkson in three words?
I think I’m going to go with ‘That bloody Jeremy Clarkson’.
That’s four words.
No, I’m using Jeremy Clarkson as one word.
But it … actually, I think we’re out of time.
Oh, okay. Well, nice to talk to you. Let me show you out … arrrgh!
Richard falls out of the window.
‘I’ve been travelling the world for ages and most of it is extremely dull. But don’t worry, we’ll skirt past all that, have a quick look at some interesting rocks and be in the bar before sun down.’ Jeremy Clarksotours is Britain’s number one holiday tour company.* But don’t just take our word for it; ask our founder, Jeremy Clarkson.
THE LOUVRE
‘It’s just pictures, they’re all the same.’
THE PYRAMIDS
‘I’ve no idea what these are, but they’re not interesting. Come on, come on, keep moving.’
DOLPHINS
‘Look, if they were that clever they would have ears by now.’
* According to a poll conducted in Jeremy Clarkson’s mind.
Planes and boats are all well and good but for some reason the people who run them never let you have a go at the controls. That’s why cars are better, as emeritus professor of travel Dr J.C.R. Clarkson explains …
If you’re travelling around the world it’s generally accepted that the best way is to fly. But hold on a second. Flying means having to get to an airport and airports are never near your house. Flying means having to remove your jacket and your belt and take all the things out of your pockets and generally dismantle your life to a molecular level. Flying means hanging around a sort of narrow shopping centre for two hours waiting to get onto a thin tube full of other people’s germs. Flying means delays and turbulence and boredom and the lingering fear in the back of your mind that this might be the time you should have said a proper goodbye to your loved ones and got your affairs in order and admitted to those around you that you’ve never seen The Usual Suspects. In short, flying is a pain in the bottom. But there is an answer: next time you’re going away, just drive. The advantages of driving are many. You can leave when you want. You don’t have to sit next to a stranger. You can listen to all sorts of loud music without headphones and look at things out of the window that aren’t just clouds. Driving is a sensible alternative to flying, despite what James says. So let’s see how the driving option stacks up on a trip from London to LA.
LONDON TO LOS ANGELES
FLYING
Take taxi to Heathrow airport. Check in. Pass through security. Wait for ages in airport. Trudge around wasting money on magazines and complicated coffees. Get on plane. Discover you are sitting next to what appears to be a walrus in a Metallica T-shirt. Sit for ages on tarmac. Take off. Fly for 10 or 11 long, boring hours next to the snoring walrus. Land at Los Angeles airport. Sit on plane as it taxis for what feels like about an hour. Get off plane. Queue for what feels like 100 hours at immigration. Wait for another 120 hours in baggage reclaim. Wait another 290 hours in the queue to hand in that inexplicable customs slip. Get out of airport. Wait for 400 hours for bus to car-hire depot. Get to car-hire depot. Spend the rest of your natural life filling in forms for car hire. Die.
DRIVING
Get up when you want. Set off when you want. Head to Channel Tunnel. Get on car train, pop out in France. Set sat-nav for Los Angeles. Drive across Europe and Russia (warning: Russia is quite big, so remember to bring some snacks). Get ferry across Bering Strait to Alaska (warning: there is no ferry service at the moment, so remember to bring your own). Drive to Los Angeles.
Added bonus: People always say, ‘Oooh, you can’t get around LA without a car.’ Well, you’ve just turned up with your own. Take that, car-hire companies.
Arrived yesterday in Rotterdam. Still unsettled by the sight of the presenters in a corner of the hotel bar gleefully showing off a suitcase full of ‘adult’ items bought from an ‘adult’ shop of the kind that people sometimes associate with the Netherlands.
The tent is pitched in a container yard on the docks. Place is massive and it’s full of cranes that work automatically and autonomous container lorries that drive around with no one in them. Like a spooky but very organised version of the future. Started rehearsing in the studio and then discovered that all the huge automated cranes outside beep when they move. And they move a lot. One of our producers went to ask if they could be stopped while we were filming the show because it was going to ruin our sound recording. The container yard people said that might take a while because all of these Dutch cranes are controlled from a nerve centre. Which is in Hong Kong. The future is mad. Show went well. Team went back to hotel bar for several adult beverages. But no more ‘adult’ toys. Don’t know what happened to them. Hmm. See you soon,
THE GRAND TOUR
The Grand Tour couldn’t function without its production team, the names of whom you’ll see in the closing credits to the show. But there are also several uncredited people who work tirelessly behind the scenes on some of the less well-known jobs. These are those people.
It’s a little-known fact that TV’s James May insists on having access to cats wherever he goes. This requirement has become ever-more important recently, to the extent that May has it written into his contract that at any given time there will be at least seven cats for him to scritch in that weird soft fluffy bit at the side of their heads. This can be problematic since TV’s Jeremy Clarkson is allergic to cats, but the issue is solved by Eriel Munn, who follows James around with a specially designed ‘cat capsule’ full of cats, into which he can disappear at a moment’s notice. Hence, once the director calls cut on a take, May will often roar, ‘Get me pussy,’ and Munn will appear with the furiously mewing orb of animals. This is not to be mistaken for anything else. He’s not Donald Trump.
It was said that in periods of inactivity, Keith Moon of The Who would forget how to play the drums and had to ‘re-learn’ for every new tour or album recording. Well, the same is true of TV’s Richard Hammond, but it’s not drumming that he forgets; it’s the letter ‘W’. That’s where Cressida Teasby comes in. As a new recording starts, Richard will often turn to camera and say, ‘Elcome to this eek’s show, and just look ott ee’ve got for you to otch.’ In times past, the crew would panic, recording would be cancelled and all the expensive cameras thrown into a canal. But not any more, because whenever Richard suffers from what doctors call ‘W forgetting syndrome’, Teasby quickly sneaks onto the set and whispers the correct sentence into his ear. The production team know all will be fine, and she can stand down until the next time they’re on location and hear Richard call Jeremy an ‘anchor’.
Wherever The Grand Tour goes in the world it is sure to attract a crowd of fans and possibly the attention of the police. But there’s something else the show attracts, and it’s something much more dangerous and unwanted. We’re talking of course about horses. Wherever Jeremy, Richard and James are in the world, an unwanted flock of horses is sure to be close behind. Unfortunately, this causes great problems when filming, and indeed off-camera. They whinny during crucial pieces to camera. Their clip-clopping feet compromise sound quality. And they often insist on trying to follow the team into restaurants, even if there is a sign on the door clearly saying ‘NO HORSES’. That’s where Kendal Whums comes in, permanently on duty to shoo away the horses, which he’s able to do in over 13 languages. Whums is also engaged in an ongoing project to find out why The Grand Tour is so plagued by the horse menace. His latest theory is that they like the smell of the special marker pens used to label memory cards.
Keen-eyed viewers will have noticed a large number of old signs, maps, books, globes and other ornaments that pepper the interior of The Grand Tour tent, making it look nice and homely. What the audience at home don’t know is that after a recording each and every single piece of set dressing has to be smashed, crushed and then burned for various reasons, mostly relating to hygiene. That poses a big problem for the show’s Head of Ornaments, Leston Vestibule, who then has to go out and find a whole pile of identical pieces with which to dress the set at the next recording. ‘It’s a bloody nightmare,’ he admits, ‘but I suppose you could say I’m instrumental in the making of the show. No, wait, sorry, I meant to say “ornamental in the making of the show”. Damn. I’ve been planning that one for ages. Sorry.’
If you’ve watched the beginning of any episode of The Grand Tour you’ll have noticed that the presenters enter the tent through a large entrance way. But look closer and you’ll notice something amazing about that entrance way: the door that covers it doesn’t open sideways like a normal door; it retracts upwards like the door from a space ship or something. How does this magic work? Well, it’s an extremely complicated system based around a massive flap of canvas and some string. But this alone would not permit the presentational team access to their place of work just as everyone starts clapping. Such an unusual and sophisticated mechanism needs a specialist to operate it, and that’s where Johan Kreee comes in. He’s the only member of the crew with the skill and the training to pull on the piece of string at exactly the right time to make the magical door work. ‘It’s a very technical job,’ he quips. ‘And if anyone else tried to do it, they would be killed instantly.’
Journalist, author, broadcaster. Jeremy Clarkson has many strings to his bow. Yet few realise that despite his many talents, Clarkson is harbouring a dark secret – he doesn’t know how trousers work. For many years he kept this hidden, even from his co-hosts, and if required to change trousers backstage would sneak off to a hidden room and ask a member of the production team to help him with ‘these long flappy bits’ or to insert himself into ‘the, you know, leg pipe things’. These days Jeremy’s affliction is better known and understood among the crew, and with that understanding comes a dedicated person who can help him put on and take off trousers. The trouser wrangler will even attempt to coach Jeremy into a better understanding of trousers with gentle encouragement, such as ‘There’s no need to put your head in there’ and ‘Strictly speaking there’s no such thing as “the arse hammock”,’ though it’s probably too late for all that.
TAKING A CAMERA
If you’re travelling the world you’ll probably want to capture your experiences on video but picking the right camera and format can be a real head-scratcher.
Fortunately, The Grand Tour is here to help. For filming outdoors we would use Arri Amiras and Panasonic GH4S shooting in super high definition 4K HDR for a pin-sharp image. The HDR part is very important here since it means every single frame of footage is actually three frames taken at the same time but with different levels of exposure to give even higher definition. It’s a system that’ll really make your footage ‘pop’. You’ll also want to run your cameras at a movie-standard frame rate of 23.98 frames per second rather than the traditional 25p to give everything a really filmic quality.
For indoor filming we would try a suite of Sony HDC-4300S running the same tech specs, feeding into custom-made servers that can fit into flight cases for ease of transport wherever you are in the world.
If you’re out in the field, obviously you’ll be merrily shooting away so it’s worth travelling with a team of three data wranglers who can ingest the footage from your memory cards into high-powered laptops and then back it up to a series of extra-tough portable hard drives, remembering that each terabyte of data takes about 20 hours to transfer. That’s important to remember because if you’re away for two weeks in, say, Namibia, you’ll probably generate about 40 terabytes of raw data or enough to fill around 80 normal laptops. It’s also worth remembering that when you get home and you want to edit your footage, you should probably book a high-end edit facility in London’s Soho district and remember that, when moving the footage into their computers, just one series of travels could result in over 6,000 hours of ingest time!
On the plus side, your holiday films will look amazing! Even if they have Jeremy Clarkson in them!
Two examples of the kind of compact and inexpensive camera you should take on holiday.
