CYMRU (IF YOU’RE WELSH)
The longest word in Welsh is ‘lllllanallllllllllallllllllly-llllllllllallllylllllllllylnnall-lllyngnth’, which means ‘small stain on a marble work surface’.
Population:
3 MILLION
THE NATURAL CLIMATE OF WALES IS OF A TYPE KNOWN TO SCIENTISTS AS ‘DAMP’.
Perhaps the most famous export from Wales is Tom Jones. He knew Elvis, you know, but he doesn’t like to mention it. Apart from all the time.
Currency:
BRITISH POUND
While, for example, an American accent is ideally suited to barking ‘The president is in danger, INITIATE THE PROTOCOLS,’ the Welsh accent is optimised to say, ‘Now, who’d like a slice of lovely cake?’
Capital:
CARDIFF
In the 19th century, while the English and Scottish, like the Irish, left their homelands to seek better lives overseas, the Welsh remembered that they had coal and gold and were perfectly fine at home, thanks. Also, they liked it there. That’s why you never go to another country and see a Welsh bar.
Famous people:
TOM JONES, ANTHONY HOPKINS, CATHERINE ZETA-JONES, SHIRLEY BASSEY, MICHAEL SHEEN, CHARLOTTE CHURCH, ROB BRYDON
The national symbol of Wales is the dragon, but a really nice dragon that remembers to call its mum every Sunday.
Everyone’s about natural, locally sourced ingredients these days. So why can’t the same logic be applied to cars? In what almost counts as consumer journalism, The Grand Tour went to find out. In Wales.
The genuine Clarksonian and Hammondic laughter that only comes from realising James has been a spectacular clot. Again.
The May mud car MkI. Note the attempt to make fake headlights out of mud. They fell off. Everything fell off.
A simple creature with hairy ears is lured towards meat. Also, a dog. His name was Pepper.
You can’t make a silk purse out of a cow’s ear. But you can make a rear view mirror out of a cow’s ear. If you must.
‘And this is called a flower.’ Country boy Hammond shares his in-depth knowledge.
The eco cars bring chaos and confusion to a Welsh village.
To a Welsh field. Note Hammond attempting to extinguish fire with a stick, the silly man.
A rare sighting of the Lesser Spotted May, lurking within the dirty straw of his own stupid car.
Maggots on a Land Rover Discovery oil-filler cap. Not a standard feature.
When the floods come, the only things to survive will be James May, a car seat and an on-board camera.
Deleted scene: Jeremy finds his small, furry ‘parts department’.
Welsh is a fantastic language for anyone who hates vowels and thinks there are too many of them in English. But did you know Welsh is also one of the most expressive languages for describing cars and motoring? Here are some unique Welsh words for which there are no direct English equivalents.
Small rectangle of felt stuck to the side of a seatbelt buckle to stop it rattling against the centre console.
LLYLLYLL
A tight turn taken more gently than normal because there is a takeaway curry on the passenger seat.
LLYLLWLLYN
A low-speed accident caused by a driver becoming distracted by an attractive pedestrian wearing fewer clothes than normal because it’s the first warm day of the year.
LLYLLYLLWYLLYN
The tiny, wedge-shaped block of rubber attached to the leading frontdoor pillar of many cars for reasons that aren’t entirely clear.
LLYLLYLLYLLYLLWYLL
The softest, shortest sounding of a car horn it is humanly possible to make, used exclusively when you want to tell someone the lights have turned green without seeming rude.
LLYLLYLLYLL YLLWYLLYNWYLLN
To ignore a sat-nav instruction because you are convinced that the sat-nav is wrong.
LLYLLWYLLYNW NYNLLYWNWLLGNTH
The tiny writing at the bottom of a personalised number plate that explains what the letters and numbers on the plate are supposed to say.
LLYLLYL LYLLYLLY LLYLLYLLYLL YLLYSNGNTH
To park on the far side of the car park in the hope that no one will park next to you and ding your paintwork again, even though it means an extra 10-minute walk to the shop.
LLYLLYLL YLLYLL YLLYLLYLL YLLYWNGHTHYLLY LLYN
To say thank you to the person who has just let you out of a side turning by flashing your hazard lights precisely twice.
LLYLLYLLYLLYLLYLLYLLYLLYLL YLLYLLYLLYLLYLLYLLYLLLLLLL
A badly adjusted windscreen-washer jet.
TAKE THE STRESS OUT OF YOUR LIFE AND PUT IT INTO SOMETHING MORE SPECIFIC, LIKE A VERY GENUINE CONCERN THAT YOU HAVEN’T GOT ENOUGH INSURANCE.
TO CHOOSE YOUR HIRE CAR FROM GRAND TOUR RENTALS, SIMPLY SELECT YOUR PREFERRED LOCATION.
WALES
ANIMAL-BASED ‘ECO CAR’
See the natural beauty of the place where Richard Hammond almost lives from behind the unhygienic wheel of a Land Rover-based eco car, made mostly from bones and skin and flies and smell.
£140 per day. Nose tampons not included.
DODGE CHALLENGER HELLCAT
What better way to enjoy the cultural and natural delights of Italy than from behind the wheel of an incredibly moronic car? Whether cruising through the Tuscan countryside or rolling into Florence, you’re sure to appreciate the thunderous exhaust and oafish appearance of a car described by GRAND TOUR RENTALS co-founder Richard Hammond as ‘brilliant’, and then he did a thumbs-up.
€180 per day. Stained vest optional.
MOROCCO
ALFA ROMEO 4C
Take in the majesty of the jewel of North Africa from behind the uncomfortable and idiotically expensive wheel of a machine described by most people as ‘flawed’ and by GRAND TOUR RENTALS co-founder Jeremy Clarkson as ‘literally the best car ever’. Wherever you stay, you’re sure to cut a dash as you pull up to your hotel in this Alfa Romeo. And then tumble out of it in an undignified way because the doors are too small and the sills are too wide.
6,000 dirhams per day.
BEACH BUGGY
A beach buggy is the ideal way to see the apparently endless coast of Namibia and a less-than-ideal way in which to drive the country’s incredibly bumpy roads. GRAND TOUR RENTALS is proud to offer a choice of three beach buggies from its Namibian fleet, so whether you enjoy fire damage, unreliability and petrol leaks, or simply like being suspended from a helicopter, there’s sure to be something for you here.
2,500 NADs per day.
ENGLAND
THE EXCELLENT
There is so much to see in England, and you’re sure to see some of it in a machine that combines all the worst parts of an off-roader with all the very terrible parts of a rusty 1980s soft-top. Created by un-renowned atelier Jeremy Clarkson, known in some circles as the idiotic Pininfarina of England, The Excellent is sure to provide you with little or no pleasure whatsoever.
£1m per day.
HOVERCRAFT
Dubai is the ideal destination for anyone looking to relax on a beach, dive in clear seas, jet ski into open waters or take part in any number of exciting outdoor pursuits. Why not make your all-action Dubai holiday complete by zooming wildly out of control over a shallow lake in front of a hotel, crashing into a tent and getting sucked horrifically into the intake mechanism of a small hovercraft. It’s a dream that only GRAND TOUR RENTALS can make true.
1,000 AED. Clean-up not included.
FRANCE (NORTH)
MASERATI BITURBO
The north of France is very much the thinking person’s south of France and is rightly famed for its climate, which is ideal for people who don’t like being too hot, and for its many things to see, although we can’t remember what they are. Why not make your visit to France (northern bit) complete by renting one of GRAND TOUR RENTALS’ three Maserati Biturbos. Whether you want power oversteer, a troublingly terminal engine fault or weirdly wet seats, we’re sure to have the car for you.
€200 per day. Breakdown cover costs extra.
HOVERCRAFT?
There are lots of ways to cover big distances around the world from cars to boats to aeroplanes. But most people overlook another excellent way to travel – the hovercraft. Just look at some of the advantages of making your next long-distance trip by hovercraft:
• Able to go on land or sea
• Incredibly noisy
• Extremely hard to control
• No brakes
• Idiotic
When planning your next trip, don’t forget to travel by hovercraft. The extremely noisy way to lose control and have a massive accident and/or get sucked into the mechanism!
