The Grand Tour Guide to the World

a.k.a.

REPUBLIC OF NAMIBIA

Population:

2 MILLION

Namibia is the second-least-densely populated country on earth. Hence the local word for ‘neighbour’ literally translates as ‘people 70 miles away’.

The Namib is thought to be the oldest desert in the world. It’s also the oldest dessert in the world, being the local name for lemon meringue pie.

Famous people:

RYAN NYAMBE (FOOTBALLER), FRANKIE FREDERICKS (OLYMPIC RUNNER), HAGE GEINGOB (PRESIDENT), SHILOH NOUVEL JOLIE-PITT (ADOPTED DAUGHTER OF BRAD AND ANGELINA)

Other Namibian attractions include Fire Mountain, the Skeleton Coast and Dragon’s Breath Cave. It’s almost as if someone doesn’t want people to go there.

Capital:

WINDHOEK

Namibia used to be run by Germans. Mind you, so did Rover and look what happened to that.

Currency:

NAMIBIAN DOLLAR

A windsock in Windhoek would make a reasonable rhyme for an Oasis song.

BEHIND THE SCENES

Beach buggies; are they rubbish, as The Grand Tour producer believes? Or are they great, as The Grand Tour presenters claim? There was only one way to sort this out. With a trip to Namibia. Obviously.

A child of the sixties in a design from the sixties wearing sunglasses from the sixties. Richard Hammond, right, gives a lovely rendition of his award-winning ‘unamused’ face.

A look inside James May’s beach buggy. Note that he was so annoyed about dust in his car that he actually bought a small vacuum cleaner. What a funny man.

A temporary campsite for the crew. Note James May lurking by the lavatories.

Richard Hammond casually trying to disguise his ‘cheating’ space-frame chassis.

‘Hey James, how many times has Noel Edmonds asked for that shirt back?’

Quiet, please. Filming in progress.

Jeremy Clarkson, shortly after almost being cleaved in two by some straps.

Mmm. Engine fish.

James May, drinking-vessel connoisseur.

Namibia has a huge range of languages and dialects, including Oshi wambo, Nama/Damara, Afrikaans, Kavango and Otjiherero, as well as English and German. This leads to an incredible range of unique words you will only find in this country, such as the examples below:

Taaltwatka	A badly designed beach buggy with an engine that is far too big.
Tynititka	A well-designed beach buggy that has cheated because it has a space-frame chassis.
Dullmaanka	A slow-moving beach buggy that appears to have been on fire.
Yuuwaankas	Sound made when waking up to discover your colleagues have suspended you beneath a helicopter.
Jaymsyubelund	Exclamation of surprise upon discovering that a colleague has led you in the wrong direction.
Getgeeovanee	To summon help when you literally can’t be bothered to open another bottle of wine yourself.
Owmyhansfolenoff	State reached by driving all day on extremely rough roads in a beach buggy.
Hoosydeeawaziss	Frustration at realising you are stuck on a very long journey in a very inappropriate car.
Geeovaneeisbrocken	My butler seems to have had a horrible parasailing accident.
Ohhfukifuk	Sound made when you appear to be stuck over a crocodile-infested river.

POSTCARD FROM THE TENT

Made it to Dubai for the last recording of Series 1. Lost Jeremy and James in the airport on the way here, then found them again, happy as anything sitting in what appeared to be someone’s living room.

Staying in a hotel that must be very fashionable because it’s quite dark inside. Also, it has fashionably complicated showers that lure you into the cubicle and then make freezing water pour out of what you thought was the light fitting. At least, that’s what happened to Jeremy. Recording went really well, apart from a slight hovercraft mishap that we won’t bore you with here. Afterwards, the whole team assembled to watch the massive Burj Khalifa building light up with a huge Grand Tour light show featuring moving cars and the presenters’ faces and all sorts. Except the place where we assembled was on a balcony at the bottom of the building which turned out to be literally the worst place possible to see the actual display. We’re a very organised show. Looking forward to coming home soon,

THE GRAND TOUR

THE PERFECT HOLIDAY

WITH RICHARD HAMMOND

The star of Richard Hammond’s Wild Weather, Richard Hammond’s Eye Surgery Mishaps and Richard Hammond’s When Animals Fall Over invites us into his luxurious broken Land Rover storage barn to talk us through his perfect holiday, and reveals how you can have the same experience.

The hallowed turf of the camping-supplies shop. Happy times.

‘The thing about going abroad is that it’s quite far away,’ observes TV’s Richard Hammond, relaxing in a tatty car seat on the floor of his palatial draughty barn, almost in Wales. ‘That’s why my ideal holiday is going to the English Lake District and sleeping in a tent.’

‘I don’t know what it is about two weeks’ camping in the Lake District that appeals to me so much,’ the star continues, idly fiddling with a rusted alternator mounting. ‘I suppose it’s a combination of many things, such as damp and cold and more damp. Lovely.’

Richard clearly recognises that not everyone is in the lucky position of being able to pop to the Lake District whenever they feel like it, so he kindly agreed to share some tips on getting that camping-in-the-Lakes feeling, even if you live elsewhere in the world…

ACCOMMODATION

‘It has to be a tent,’ says Richard. ‘And ideally one that’s quite small. I love the cosiness of a tiny tent and the luxurious feeling of attempting to put on or remove your trousers while lying down. You don’t have to do that in a five-star hotel, do you? I suppose you could anyway, but it’d be a bit weird.’

LOCATION

‘It’s vital to pitch your tent in the right place,’ Richard explains. ‘If you live somewhere dry, remember to soak the ground with gallons of water and sheep wee before you set up, and do take account of the prevailing wind, of which there should be lots. You won’t be getting the full experience if you’re not tucked up inside a sleeping bag at night, listening to a howling gale attempting to rip the roof from over your head and dash it into a slurry pit in the valley below.’

ACTIVITIES

‘Walking. That’s what you do in the Lakes,’ Richard says carefully. ‘Strolling the tree-lined streets of a fashionable European city before returning to a boutique hotel is all well and good, but you can’t beat the feeling of trudging for 20 miles up and down mountains and then returning all cold and wet to the place where your tent used to be. Also, if the weather is too nice to go walking, in the Lakes you can always visit the Pencil Museum in Keswick, so if you can’t make it to this area, stay wherever you are but have a look at some pencils.’

Almost perfect, if only there were more drizzle. And owls.

DINING

‘I never understand why people get so excited about Michelin-starred restaurants,’ Richard muses. ‘What’s wrong with a tin of beans cooked over a tiny camping stove that keeps going out because it’s so windy? You can sing the praises of fancy food like salad or chicken kiev but for my money you can’t beat a tin plate of lukewarm beans’.

CLOTHING

‘I hear people saying, “Oooh, I must get my holiday wardrobe ready,” and I think, what’s the point?’ Richard observes. ‘If you want the full Lakes experience, just ask yourself this: Is it thick and is it waterproof? Also, does every single thing I’m wearing make a rustling sound? Perfect.’

PEOPLE WE HAVE LOST

The world is a wonderful and exciting place, but it can also be a dangerous one, as tragically illustrated by the number of high-quality celebrities who passed away during the first series of globe-straddling kind-of-a-car-programme The Grand Tour. Here we remember those who were lost: