Chapter 32

There it was again, that gaze. Like a magnet from across the room. Sofia didn’t even have to glance up to know he was looking at her. For three days in a row, he had visited the library. He always sat in the reading corner with a periodical, hanging out for a few hours and pretending to read. But in fact, his eyes were following her.

Normally she would have walked over to him and told him to stop staring. But there was nothing threatening about his behaviour, and besides, he was cute. His hair was longish, and a little shaggy. She was sure his eyes were blue. Clean facial features, his nose a little long, his mouth soft and sensual. There was something attractive about his posture; he moved freely and languidly. He seemed at home in his body. And there was something more, too. A feeling that this was an opportunity she shouldn’t blow.

The California winter had exceeded her expectations. Her job was going well, she had made new friends, and the sun shone almost constantly from the clear blue sky. Only in the mornings was Palo Alto shrouded in fog, which soon dissolved into a mild heat haze. The rain didn’t come until January, and when it did arrive it was as a stubborn cloudburst that lasted for a few weeks.

Then the sun returned. She was happy; full of a joyful delirium she hadn’t experienced since before the cult. The days were long and warm; the nights short and mild. Her nightmares had stopped. Now all she needed was the cherry on top: she wanted to experience something special before returning to Sweden. Something exciting, and maybe a little naughty.

And then this super cute guy just walked through the door one day, sat down on a sofa, and checked her out.

She managed to tear her attention away from him and focus on her job. She registered a few new books on the computer. Then she heard an ‘ahem’ and there he was, standing right in front of her. His eyes were definitely blue. His bold smile brought a blush to her face. There was that little jump in her stomach.

‘You’re Swedish, aren’t you?’ he said. In Swedish.

She nodded, trying to be professional, as if he had just asked about a book.

‘How can I help you?’

‘Well, I’ve got a problem. I can’t stop looking at you.’

She laughed at the line. She felt embarrassed, the way you do when the cheesy banter in a Hollywood film makes you squirm.

‘You’ll have to go to an eye doctor about that. As you can see, I’m busy here.’

He put out his hand. She took it automatically.

‘Mattias Wilander, from Gothenburg.’

He held onto her hand when she tried to take it back. His forwardness was making her uncomfortable. She preferred to move slowly when flirting. Stolen glances, hands brushing, all that. He was too blunt.

But it was exciting that they’d run into each other. He was the first Swede she’d met so far.

She looked at him, her eyes urging him to leave, but he stayed put. She had the vague feeling he was dangerous. Just the type of guy she was drawn to. Like Oswald, and Ellis once upon a time. Men who left her life in a shambles.

‘I apologize for being so forward,’ he said. ‘I noticed you when I came here a few days ago. I felt drawn to you. As if we’ve met before. Have we? Met?’

‘I don’t think so.’

‘How long have you lived here?’

‘Almost eight months.’

‘I’m pretty new here. I arrived a few months ago. Still feeling a little lost, and I could use some pointers. Clubs where they play good music. That kind of thing. Could we grab coffee when you’re done with work?’

You promised yourself, you promised Benjamin, no relationships, no getting laid while you’re here!

But coffee couldn’t hurt. There was nothing wrong with meeting new people.

He hung around until she was done for the day. They went to a café nearby. He was easy to talk to; he’d recently finished a degree in psychology and was taking a year off. He would be spending a few months in Palo Alto but had no concrete plans – he said he just wanted to stand on his own two legs for a while.

‘Although to be honest, I’m pretty boring. A total bookworm. I just got so tired of all the drinking and fucking, pardon my French.’

A thrill ran through her body.

‘It’s like I’m either on or off,’ he continued. ‘Either I’m totally chilled, or else I take things to the very limit. That’s how I want my life to be.’

She gave him a few tips, good spots to visit in Palo Alto and San Francisco. But he just wanted to talk about her. She couldn’t remember ever having met a guy who was so interested in her life. Not even Benjamin.

When it was time to part ways, he just said thanks and bye. He didn’t ask for her number and he didn’t ask to see her again, which made her feel duped and disappointed.

She couldn’t fall asleep that night and didn’t want to call Benjamin, so she decided to Skype with Ellis, since she hadn’t talked to him for a while. Ellis was happy to hear from her and talked nonstop. He had created a new dating site called FeelYou, or FYou for short. The basic premise was to get to know someone without a lot of chatting and pictures. You created an account and gave your gender and age, then selected a single word to describe your character. Whoever took the bait sent a single word back, and then you tossed words back and forth until good – or bad – vibes appeared. Incredibly enough, many successful relationships had emerged thanks to the service, and Ellis had made a small fortune. He tipped Sofia off about a Wired article that mentioned him.

This sounded so fantastic that Sofia felt like she had to tell him something in return, to compensate, so she spilled what had just happened with Mattias at the library.

‘Oh, that’s nothing,’ Ellis said. ‘Shit, you’re only twenty-four, Sofia. Have some fun. You’re hot as hell. Surely you aren’t planning to remain faithful to Benjamin forever? It’s just that cult, they made you think like a goddamn nun.’

Even though this advice was coming from someone with a dubious sexual past, it was still comforting. What was the point of going abroad if you didn’t allow yourself one tiny little slip-up?

Mattias didn’t return to the library the next day. She was extremely disappointed and kept staring in the direction of the reading corner. She found herself furious when an overweight man settled into the chair where Mattias liked to sit. But when she walked out the door at the end of the day, he was there waiting for her. He was leaning against a tree, giving her a crooked smile, and she walked toward him. His eyes were so blue she wondered if he used tinted contacts. He was wearing distressed jeans and a leather jacket, and he came over to her and took her hands. Christ, he had such a great smile!

This is the moment when I have to say no, she thought. If I don’t it will all go to hell. But what she really wanted, in that moment, was to live two parallel lives: one where she was with Benjamin, and another where she followed this stranger and lived out all her secret sexual fantasies. But you could only live one life at a time. And suddenly Benjamin seemed so far away.

‘I rented a car,’ Mattias said. ‘Come with me to Half Moon Bay and we’ll take a walk by the ocean.’

‘I have to work tomorrow.’

‘Just for a few hours. Dinner’s on me.’

She had never been to Half Moon Bay but had heard it was beautiful.

‘Sorry I was so forward yesterday,’ he said as she got in the car. ‘We’ll take it slow, okay? Until further notice.’

Why have I not mentioned Benjamin? She wondered. Why can’t I just spit it out? I never get tongue-tied – it’s not like me.

‘How did you know I was Swedish?’ she asked instead.

‘It’s the accent, I heard you talking. I can even hear the Swedish accent in my own voice. I suppose it will never go away.’

The road to the coast made sharp curves between enormous redwoods that spread their spicy scent through the half-open car window.

Half Moon Bay was covered in a gentle haze that lent a soft, lovely sheen to the scenery. They walked along the shore for a while, then sat down on a bench and gazed out at the ocean, which glittered with sunlight. A pair of pelicans glided down like sailplanes and landed on the water. The waves were crested with white and a couple of surfers were tossed off their boards again and again.

‘I surf,’ he said. ‘That’s why I’ve been here a few times before. Have you heard of mavericks? They’re huge waves that form about three kilometres out, in the wintertime. The place is called Pillar Point Harbor – it’s a little north of here. The waves can get up to seven metres high. Every year, all the top surfers have a competition there. You have to be invited to participate. I’ve always dreamed of being part of that. I can teach you to surf, if you want.’

‘I’d love to. That would be fun.’

She wondered what on earth she had just said – she’d never been interested in surfing. But his presence basically made it impossible to think clearly. She felt strange when she was with him. A little dizzy, bordering on giggly. As if there were no limits. Surfing? Sure, why not go skydiving too, while we’re at it?

‘So why did you come here?’ he asked. ‘Just for work, or… ?’

She thought for a moment, wondering why she felt like she could trust him. Maybe it was because he seemed so uncomplicated. Not judgemental in the least. Yet she felt her cheeks burning before she even managed to finish her first sentence.

‘It’s kind of complicated. I mean, you can’t post this on Facebook or Twitter or anything, but I was trying to get away from a cult.’

He laughed.

‘Shit, that’s nothing to be ashamed of. Isn’t everyone part of some cult these days? Listen, the two of us can start our own cult, you and me.’

They chatted on the bench for a long time. The breeze died down; the waves settled into faint ripples on the water. The sun bled through the airy clouds on the horizon, splashing gold on the surface of the ocean. When the sun sank into the water, she heard him take a deep breath and let it out fast. He moved closer. She felt his warmth against her arm and was going to place her hand over his, but right then he stood up and asked if she wanted to grab a bite to eat.

They had dinner at a restaurant in town. Only once did he touch her – a passing stroke of his hand on her thigh under the table. It was so gentle and quick that she thought she might have imagined it. That she had merely brushed against the tablecloth.

On the way home they were quiet – it was a companionable silence. When he dropped her off at her apartment, they exchanged numbers. He ran a finger down her nose and kissed her lips. It was a quick kiss, fluttering and soft; his lips were cool, and yet it set off fireworks in her body.

There was a weight on her chest when she walked into her apartment; it was so heavy that she had to call Benjamin, even though she knew he was at work.

He sounded annoyed when he picked up.

‘I’m in the car, Sofia, I can’t talk.’

‘It won’t take long. Just one fucking minute.’

‘Fine, what is it?’

‘Look, do you think we could have an open relationship while I’m here?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Like, see other people a little bit. Take a short break.’

‘What the hell? Did you meet someone?’

‘No, nothing has happened! I mean… nothing serious.’

‘I can’t believe you’re just calling me out of the blue.’

‘Sorry. But do you think it would work?’

‘No way! Go to hell.’

He hung up on her. She started crying right away – she felt so rotten and ashamed at how desperate she was. Maybe she needed some space. Why was she acting so crazy? She sank onto the sofa and sent up a silent prayer to God, asking him to help her make the right decision. And she got an answer right away: the phone rang, and it was Simon.

‘We won!’

‘Huh?’

‘The competition, I mean.’

‘Congratulations, Simon, that’s awesome!’

‘Yeah, except now I have so much dough it just feels wrong. So I’m coming to visit you in San Francisco.’