Chapter 34

Sofia had taken a week off work and texted Mattias to let him know she would be unavailable. As she waited for Simon in the arrivals hall of the airport, she wondered if the trip would be too much for him – flying for the first time, so many people, all these cars, the language… but Simon didn’t look at all overwhelmed as he walked out with a tiny little bag over one shoulder. As they headed out to get a taxi, he went on and on about the plane, its horsepower, its wingspan – all the kind of things that Sofia certainly hadn’t registered on her first flight.

They’d promised each other not to talk about ViaTerra, that they would just have a real vacation, but Sofia began to grill Simon about Anna and Jacob while they were still in the taxi.

‘Let’s get it over with while we’re in this car,’ she said. ‘Then we’ll transform into tourists for a week and forget about ViaTerra. So, what will happen now that Anna is back home?’

‘I can take in the next defector.’

‘Are you serious?’

‘Why not? It’s fun to watch them vanish under Oswald’s very nose. I like messing with him, and besides, it feels good to help them. Anna’s feeling better these days. First she read everything online, and then she read some books, and at last she wrote everything down. She’s been posting her whole story on Facebook.’

‘That’s awesome! But Oswald’s going to find you out eventually, Simon.’

‘I’m not worried.’

‘So who’s next in line?’

‘We’ll see when I get back.’

‘You know what? Sometimes I miss the island. It probably sounds crazy, but it’s so beautiful there. It’s a magical place, somehow. The sea and the cliffs, the foghorn that sounds every time something horrible is about to happen – it does, I swear. When the windows rattled in storm winds, or when you could hardly see your hand in front of your face in the fog… all that stuff made me feel alive. If I had my way, I would bulldoze the manor house, but not the library, and build a shelter for defectors there. And you would take care of the fields, and Jacob would take care of the animals, and…’

‘And there would be framed pictures of Oswald all over, with devil horns and moustaches drawn on them, and everyone would boo when they saw them.’

They kept talking until they got to Sofia’s apartment.

‘We’re tourists, starting now,’ she said.

‘There’s just one more thing I want to say.’

‘Out with it.’

‘It was something Anna said. It might not mean anything, but apparently Oswald has hired private eyes and other outsiders to track you down. It seems like he hasn’t given up.’

‘No, I think he has. Anna probably just has old info. I haven’t heard a whisper since you told Benny I was in Italy. I think he’s lost interest in me.’

‘Okay then, that’s that.’

As they walked around Golden Gate Park the next day, Sofia noticed a few girls casting lingering gazes after Simon. A little while later, she saw another girl turn around to look at him. All at once, it struck her that Simon really fitted in there. His brawny frame, the jeans hanging just so on his hips, his plaid shirt, his messy blond mane of hair.

‘Girls are checking you out, Simon.’

‘Like I care.’

They leaned over the railing of the Golden Gate bridge. She asked him if it made him dizzy to look down, but he just laughed and shook his head. She herself got lightheaded and a little bit sick to her stomach when she looked over the edge. The buildings looked like toys and the people were smaller than ants. The ocean below pulled and sucked, almost demanding that you jump in.

‘I want you to be honest with me now,’ she said, and then she told him all about Mattias. ‘What am I doing?’

‘Has Benjamin been in touch at all since you so tactfully explained what was up?’

‘You don’t have to be sarcastic.’

A smile tugged at the corners of Simon’s lips.

‘No,’ she said. ‘I haven’t heard from him. I’ve called and texted and emailed a hundred times. He’s so freaking stubborn. I haven’t even done anything yet, have I?’

Simon placed a hand over hers. The gesture made her tremble, because he never touched her. But he left his hand where it was.

‘Here’s the thing, Sofia. It doesn’t matter what I say. You’re still going to do what you want, aren’t you? Do what feels right. It will all work out in the end.’

‘You know what? There’s this little devil inside me that has to get out. I’ve never exactly been sexually inhibited, so the forced chastity at ViaTerra almost did me in. All those rules: shirts buttoned to the top, skirts that covered your knees, the ban on perfume and red lipstick. And meanwhile, Oswald always touching me. By the end it felt like I was going to explode.’

‘All of that was deliberate, Sofia.’

‘I’m sure it was. Hey, I just remembered something – you were in Penance at the time – Mira, that girl who made out with some celebrity Oswald had dragged to the island…’

‘Alvin Johde?’

‘Right. Oswald flew off the handle because Alvin went on TV and talked about how hot ViaTerra girls were. Then it came out that Mira had snogged him. The guards forced her to confess, but Oswald was never satisfied with that, he said there had to be more. In the end she had to tell him about every fucking time she had masturbated and thought about Alvin. It all got written down. One day Oswald called all the staff together. Mira had to stand in a corner, like a kid in a dunce cap. “I’m going to tell all of you everything Mira’s been up to,” he said, and read her entire confession out loud. With emphasis on words like “vagina” and “horny”. He looked up at us now and then, with that insinuating look. The girls had to sit in front. It was awful. And still, I think all the girls sitting there got wet as he was reading. Shit, I bet that was the whole point!’

‘I’m sure it was.’

‘Psychologists call it Stockholm Syndrome. I don’t think it was a syndrome at all. Just a perverted nutjob who wanted to fuck with everyone.’

‘But then what’s the point?’

He looked interested rather than impatient.

‘The point? Well, I suppose it’s that guys like him have power over other people, and that they’re experts at abusing it. But that doesn’t mean everyone around them has to be diagnosed with something.’

‘Exactly.’

And with that, she started to cry. The tears just came. She leaned over the railing, so far it felt like she would fall.

‘Sofia, what’s wrong?’

‘I don’t know, there’s something about him I can’t get out of my system. Something that never made sense. He was nice sometimes, Simon. For real. He told me not to kill a wasp that was flying around the office, that it was an important part of nature. He put his jacket over my shoulders one night when I was cold. Stuff like that. And when he was being nice, he was such a hell of a gentleman that it melted you. I just don’t get it.’

‘That’s just part of the game, Sofia, that kindness. It’s confusing. That’s the point. People who are confused are also easily duped.’

‘You’re brilliant, Simon,’ she said, laughing through her tears. ‘Can’t we just say to hell with sex, and enjoy a lifelong platonic relationship, just you and me?’

‘I’m already celibate,’ he reminded her.

‘Yes, that’s right, so you are. Shit, it’s great to have you here. I really do believe he’s given up the hunt for me.’

‘I don’t.’

‘Why not?’

‘I had a little brother named Daniel. Our parents were part of a religious group, God’s Way. Daniel knew early on that he was gay, but when he told my parents, they refused to accept it. The devil had to be driven out of Daniel, and it broke him.’

‘You never told me that!’

‘No, but now I am. So Daniel decided to leave the farm. Move to Stockholm. I drove him to the station. A few hours later, he called my mobile phone and asked me not to judge him. I thought he was referring to being gay, but I had it all wrong. The police showed up later that night. Daniel had thrown himself in front of the train.’

‘Jesus Christ! Why didn’t you ever tell me this? It’s so sad.’

‘But that’s not why I’m telling you. Listen. Before I left him, at the station, I saw something in Daniel’s eyes. This look I’ll never forget. Like a cornered animal waiting to be put out of its misery. But I rationalized it, even though that feeling stuck with me, like an uncomfortable premonition that something bad is going to happen. Sometimes I get that same feeling when I think about you and Oswald. Fuck, Sofia, I don’t want to scare you! I just want you to be careful. It’s actually super unlike me to go on a gut feeling like this.’

Sofia didn’t say anything for a moment as she gazed at the turquoise water. San Francisco was like a mirage in the distance. A gentle breeze toyed with her hair. She tried to experience the sensation Simon was talking about, forcing herself to call up mental images of Oswald. Yet the thought of him didn’t seem very dangerous. It was as if this conversation with Simon had helped her cut the last tie.

‘You know, I think what you’re feeling is normal,’ she said. ‘If something like that has happened to you, I suppose you have to live with it for the rest of your life. But I really do think Oswald has given up. That’s my gut feeling.’

‘Then that’s that. Come on, let’s walk across this bridge, so I can say I’ve done it.’

They continued to walk across the Golden Gate bridge in silence. When they got to the other side, Simon cleared his throat discreetly.

‘Hey, I have a few visits booked for while I’m here.’

‘What?’

‘Well, there’s this place called Common Ground in Palo Alto. They have courses in organic farming, and I’d really like to visit. It seems like it’s pretty close to your place. And I’d like to go to Napa Valley and watch them prune the grapevines and prepare them for spring. And also – I know it’s a few hours’ drive – but I’d like to look at the citrus farms on the way to Los Angeles. There are thousands of trees there, and they’re fruiting right now. We can rent a car and I promise I’ll drive the whole way.’

‘Simon, I thought you came here to see me.’

‘I did. But that doesn’t mean we can’t squeeze in a few interesting field trips, does it?’

They had seven lovely days together. Even though they didn’t have time to visit all the usual tourist attractions, Simon looked like he’d just climbed Mount Everest when Sofia took a picture of him standing in the miles and miles of orange groves. On the last night she brought him along to dinner at Melissa’s place – she had become completely charmed by Simon. Melissa, too, was interested in organic farming, so they talked nonstop. Sofia watched him as he sat there gesturing and chatting eagerly with Melissa. Simon sure had changed. He had opened himself to the world. She wondered if he was aware of this and figured he must at least be able to feel the difference.

When she said goodbye to him at the airport the next day and boarded the train home, she felt hollow and heavy. It struck her that her visa would expire in three months.

For the first time, she felt like it was probably time to head home to Sweden again.