Chapter 39

The sky was beginning to darken as she boarded the train home from the airport. The clouds were heavy with rain, but the sun peeked out now and then, its rays flickering over her face. She already missed Simon. She wanted him to be back on Fog Island so she could call and chat. Suddenly she felt homesick for Sweden. The seasons flew by so quickly here in California, like eternal spring and summer. She missed the rugged autumns and winters of home, and she missed her parents and friends so much her chest ached.

She hadn’t spoken to Benjamin yet. He’d sent an email to say she should do what she wanted, that they’d unsnarl their relationship when she got home. Unsnarl – as if they were talking about tangled hair. As if it was something you could fix like a cup of coffee, and everything would be just fine. There had been a slightly surly undertone to that email.

Her thoughts turned to Mattias, and they must have had a little mind-meld because her phone rang and his name popped up on the screen.

‘Did your friend go home?’

‘Yes, I’m on the train home from the airport, why?’

‘I’m standing outside your apartment.’

‘What are you doing there?’

‘I’ve been longing to see you for a week.’

‘I can’t let you into my apartment.’

‘Why not?’

‘I don’t know you yet. I don’t know if I can trust you.’

‘Or maybe you don’t trust yourself. To be alone with me, that is.’

She hung up. Mostly to hide how hot she got when he talked like that. Surely he would be able to hear it in her voice. She wondered if Mattias would try to go all the way if she let him in, or if he had some other agenda and would invite her out someplace exciting. Either option seemed tempting and thrilling, all at once.

She called him again.

‘I think the call dropped. We went through a tunnel.’

‘There aren’t any tunnels between the airport and Palo Alto.’

‘Fuck it. You can come in. But only for a little while. Then I need to go to bed – I have to work tomorrow.’

He was sitting outside the front door to her building. There was a bench there, beside a flowerbed and a small fountain. The very sight of him made her feel guilty about all this two-timing. About her dishonestly towards both him and Benjamin. She had to tell him, get the truth out there.

‘I have a boyfriend in Sweden. It’s serious.’

He rose slowly and walked over to her.

‘He must be a fucking loser.’

‘What? You don’t know shit about him.’

‘He was an idiot to let you come here alone. Whoever he is.’

‘I’m not interested in starting a new relationship.’

‘Hey, chill out. I’m not looking for anything serious. I like to take things as they come.’

‘You can come in for half an hour, max. Then I have to go to bed. I’m beat.’

‘Okay.’

She hoped there would be someone in the elevator, but it was empty. There was a sharp odour of garbage – someone had just taken out the trash. He leaned against the elevator wall and looked at her but said nothing. It took ages for the elevator to reach the fourth floor, but he held her gaze the whole time. She tried to spot something in his face, a reason to distrust him. But it was like there was a veil over his eyes and she couldn’t quite see through it. Maybe it was lust. Her belly fluttered.

She walked ahead of him to the apartment door, but the lock gave her trouble until he took the key from her hand and opened it. She didn’t want to admit to herself that the trouble had been her own hand, shaking, so she snapped at him that she could open it herself.

The apartment air in the apartment was stale and too warm, so she opened the balcony door. The stuffy room seemed to sigh in relief as cool air streamed in. She went back to the entryway to take off her shoes and jacket. He was standing motionless just inside the door. When he handed her the key, she hung it on its usual hook. Her hand was no longer shaking. There – she had gotten a grip on herself. Now she wouldn’t do anything rash. Just a cup of coffee, and then she would send him on his way. She had to work through this, concentrate on thinking logically. What did she even know about him? He might have an STI, or he could be a serial killer. Then again, she had googled him. Everything he said seemed to be true. Education, where he came from. He didn’t seem sketchy at all on his Facebook page.

Then came Ellis’s voice, as it had sounded on the phone. Surely you aren’t planning to remain faithful to Benjamin forever? It’s just that cult, they made you think like a goddamn nun.

Just one tiny slip-up, she thought. And then I’ll reconcile with Benjamin. If he wants me back, that is.

She took a few steps forward and Mattias followed. He was practically on top of her now. The silence of the apartment was like a vacuum pressing them together. He stood so close, smelling like soap and leather. She took a few more steps, trying to buy time, but he was behind her immediately. His breath on her ear. The warmth of his body was all down her back, even though he was barely brushing against her.

She gave in and leaned back against him, sinking into his body. He bent down and kissed her neck, and she felt the muscles around her spine relax. Clearing her throat, she knew she had to say something, because he was about to take over completely.

But no words came out.

His hands started at her shoulders, slid down to her waist, and were suddenly all over her. Her ass and thighs, up across her belly. She’d wanted this to happen, and yet she stiffened. He let his fingers find their way through the gap in her blouse to stroke her stomach; he undid the buttons, pushed the cups of her bra aside, and touched her breasts. He loosened her skirt, letting it puddle around her feet, and pulled down her panties. A finger ran up her inner thigh – all the way up, until it slipped inside her. When she moaned, he covered her mouth with his other hand. She tried to turn around, but he pressed back, pushing his body against hers from behind, his leather jacket on her back, the hard bulge in his jeans against her ass.

‘Stand still,’ he whispered. ‘Perfectly still, and quiet.’

The sun found a break in the clouds and shone through the living room window. It blinded her at first, shining on her naked body. His hands were everywhere again. The trembling was back; she couldn’t hold still, she needed to turn around. It felt like she would implode if she didn’t move. But he stopped her before she could swing about, as if they were doing a dance with predetermined steps.

‘Calm down. Close your eyes. I don’t want you to see – only feel.’

She heard him undressing, quickly, impatiently.

His jacket falling to the floor, the thuds as he kicked off his shoes, the sound of his belt being undone, the zipper of his jeans.

She closed her eyes. A faint gust of wind swept through the open balcony door, raising gooseflesh all over her body. It made her impossibly excited to stand there naked before him, a person she hardly knew.

He grasped her shoulders and turned her toward the sofa, pushing her ahead of him. She was about to lie down, but suddenly there was an arm around her waist, holding her up, and his other hand fumbled for the thin runner that hung off the coffee table. Right away she understood, before he had time to blindfold her. How bold, she thought, for him to do this the first time. He swung her around, laid her on her back on the sofa, and stretched out her legs – because she was completely dependent on his eyes now. Through the thin fabric she could only make out vague contours and his form falling over her like a blanket.

Just then the sky went dark and rain began to strike the window. Wild, out of control. The tension between them and the sudden storm took her breath away. She raised her arms to touch him, make contact, but he gently moved them away.

‘I just want you to feel what I do to you. No looking, no touching.’

He ran two fingers up her inner thigh again, and she gave a little cry as they slipped inside her. His hands were all over, showing up on various parts of her body when she least expected it. His tongue on her belly, on her thighs, within her. Only when he pressed into her did he tear away the blindfold.

‘Look at me!’ His eyes were wild. The sinewy muscles of his arms were tense; there were beads of sweat on his chest. He swore and called out her name and it sounded so strangely beautiful.

And when all the deliciousness was over, her body, which had been tense as a bowstring just a moment ago, collapsed into a mound of jelly. She tried to open her mouth to say something, but she couldn’t produce a sound. She was so thoroughly worn out that she fell asleep immediately.

She must have slept for a long time, because the room was pitch black when she woke up. The rain was still drumming the windowpanes. The runner that had served as her blindfold was back on the coffee table, wrinkled, but neatly arranged. There was a blanket over her and the balcony door was closed. Right away she knew he had taken off – he’d left an emptiness behind. Not even his scent lingered.

She got up off the sofa and realized she was terribly thirsty. At the fridge, she drank juice straight from the carton, sweating even though it was cold in the room. There was a strange sensation in her stomach, a mixture of guilt and profound sexual excitement. It seemed strange that he’d left her like that, without a word. Just then, her phone rang.

‘I didn’t want to wake you. You conked right out, and you looked so cute asleep.’

‘I just woke up.’

‘Then you were asleep for more than three hours.’

‘Damn! I guess I really was out.’

‘Two months.’

‘Two months what?’

‘In two months I’m going home to Sweden.’

‘Oh.’

‘So I thought we could make the most of it. Then we’ll see. I’m already thinking about everything I want to do to you.’

A thrill ran through her body and warning bells went off. His dominance. Her submission, so unlike her – she’d thought. But now she shuddered with pleasure when she thought of his hands. The ambivalence she felt was exciting in and of itself. It was like being pulled between two static poles so that sparks flew in between them.

Mattias is dangerous, she thought. Deliciously dangerous, when it comes to sex. Probably not dangerous at all in other ways.

‘Are you still there, Sofia?’

‘I have to work tomorrow.’

‘What about this weekend?’

She left him hanging for a moment.

‘I’m free,’ she said. ‘We can see each other then.’