‘THE PRINCE RODE ALL AROUND THE TOWN,
LEFT AND UP AND RIGHT AND DOWN,
AND WOULD NOT LET A GIRLY PASS
UNTIL SHE TRIED THE SHOE OF GRASS.’
Bowel sang at the top of his voice as Thicket galloped round the stage on a pretend dungle, stopping at various troll-ballerinas and kneeling in front of them with the grumptious stepsister’s grass shoe.
‘Where can that grumptious honker be?’ Thicket exclaimed to the audience. ‘I wish she’d come and marry me.’
All of a sudden, Gruntilda appeared through a door in the scenery and ran towards the prince, fluttering her arms.
‘Princey-poo, my dunklin’ dear,’ she shouted in her scratchy voice. ‘’Tis I, my honk, ’tis I, I’m here!’
‘Grumptious!’ Thicket cheered. ‘Marry me?’
Gruntilda started flapping towards her honksome prince, when a sandbag suddenly plunged down from above and smashed straight through the stage between them.
CRRAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSHHHHHHH!!!
‘ARGH!’ screeched Gruntilda. She looked at Bowel, who shrugged, and then at Thicket. ‘What’s goin’ on?’
The audience started to laugh.
‘Shut up, Gruntilda,’ Thicket whispered, turning away from the cheering crowd. ‘Just say your lines.’
‘OH, MY PRINCE,’ Gruntilda swooned, giving Thicket a poke in the ribs. ‘I’M SO CHUFFLY!’
CRRAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSHHHHHHH!!!
Another sandbag came soaring down from the rafters.
‘I say …’ Gruntilda chuckled nervously. ‘Funny weather, Princey.’
‘What are you doin’?’ Thicket murmured through gritted teeth. ‘Stop makin’ up lines.’
Gruntilda pulled a face at Thicket and turned to the audience. ‘What a squibbly day,’ she said and pouted.
Bowel walked to the centre of the stage and spread his arms wide.
‘THE PRINCE AND HIS GRUMPTIOUS
WERE MARRIED THAT DAY;
THEY JUMPED ON HIS DUNGLE
AND RODE FAR AWAY.’
The mop-Whingerella rose back through the trapdoor and wobbled there next to Bowel.
‘BUT DON’T FORGET WHINGEY,
THAT ROTTISH OLD LIZARD.
THE PRINCE KILLED HER DEAD
WITH A JAB TO THE GIZZARD.’
Thicket and Gruntilda galloped past on their pretend dungle and kicked the mop over as they went. The audience cheered and clapped and stamped their feet.
Gruntilda walked to the front to take a bow when –
CRRAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSHHHHHHH!!!
CRRAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSHHHHHHH!!!
CRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSHHHHHH!!!
Up above, Rubella was crying with laughter as she lobbed more and more sandbags over the edge of the walkway.
‘Did you see that?’ she shouted to Neville. ‘HA!’
Neville suddenly felt incredibly naughty – and liked the feeling a lot.
‘Watch this,’ he said, and pulled on a rope near the wall. All at once, the cloth painted like Whingerella’s kitchen was released and came tumbling down on Gruntilda’s head, covering her completely.
‘Grotsome, Nev!’ Rubella laughed.
Neville beamed to himself. No one had ever called him ‘grotsome’ before.
‘WHAT THE …?’ Gruntilda screamed from under the scenery cloth. She started running about the stage like an oversized, saggy ghost. ‘GET ME OUT!’
‘What d’ya think, Nev?’ Rubella smirked. ‘Shall we let her out?’ She pulled on a heavy chain – and another trapdoor opened in the floor. Gruntilda and the scenery cloth flopped into it like laundry down a chute.
‘BYE-BYE, BUNTY!’ Neville called. He was having so much fun he’d almost forgotten about Abominatia.
‘WHAT NOW?’ Rubella asked.
‘You’ve got a prince to catch,’ Neville said.
‘Oh yeah!’ Rubella replied with a grin. ‘But not before I deal with ole skinny ribs.’ Then she dived off the platform, straight down through the trapdoor after Gruntilda.
Neville watched his troll-sister go, then turned to climb down the ladder. But something stopped him in his tracks and he instantly felt a cold sweat break out across the back of his neck.
‘UUUUUURRRRGGGHHHHHH!’
Abominatia screeched as she tore along the platform towards him with her twiggy claws outstretched.
‘AAAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEGGGHHHHH!’
Neville tried to duck out of the way, but Abominatia was too fast and she grabbed hold of him. ‘I’LL PULL YOUR UGLY LITTLE HEAD OFF!’ she screamed. ‘I’LL SNAP YOUR – EEEEEEK!’
Abominatia tripped on the coil of Gristle’s furry bog-mother rope and wobbled towards the edge. Before she could steady herself, she tumbled over the railing and dragged Neville with her.