Abominatia and Neville plummeted towards the stage, screaming like a pair of banshees.
‘GET OFF!’ Neville hollered as he saw the ground rushing up to meet them.
‘OH, POOOOOOOOK!’ He scrunched his eyes and braced himself for a painful landing. But –
TWANG-ANG-ANG-ANG!
The rope that Abominatia had tripped on was now caught round her ankle, and the pair swung across the stage just before hitting the floor.
‘LET GO!’ Neville yelled as he managed to shove two fingers up Abominatia’s nostrils and wiggle them around.
‘Puhh! ’ she snorted. ‘Puhh! ’ She thrashed her arms about and suddenly let Neville shoot out of her grip as she scratched at the open air. ‘I’M GOIN’ TO SPLAT YOU!’
A large, round-shouldered troll in the audience jumped out of her seat, spat out a mouthful of rat patty and bellowed, ‘THAT’S MY NEV!’
It was Malaria. She hurdled over the seats in front of her and scrambled towards the stage at breakneck speed. ‘I’M COMIN’!’
Neville couldn’t focus on anything while spinning through the air. He felt like a rag doll in a washing machine as the lights and the audience and stage and the curtains all whizzed past him again and again.
‘I’VE GOT YOU, NEV!’ Malaria bounded on to the stage and caught Neville with a grunt. For a moment he thought Abominatia had got him again, until Malaria squeezed him in a big troll-hug and kissed him on the head.
‘MOOMA!’ Neville shouted. He’d never felt so relieved.
‘What’s goin’ on, Nev?’ Malaria asked, putting him down on the floor. ‘All this globbergruntin’ and all?’
Neville staggered over to where Abominatia was hanging upside down above the stage, growling and scrabbling.
‘This is Abominatia Bunt,’ Neville shouted to the audience.
‘Shut up, you little pile of slurch spit,’ she hissed, swiping her arms at Neville.
‘Oy!’ said Malaria. ‘You watch those nasty words or I’ll stuff your gobber up with that ivy of yours.’
‘Yeah,’ Rubella joined in. She suddenly clambered out of the trapdoor wearing Gruntilda’s ballgown. The audience cried in alarm. There were rips down the sides and her gut oozed out like a burst icing bag. ‘WHY DON’T YOU TRY PICKIN’ ON ME?’
‘GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU BULCH!’ Abominatia blurted.
‘She,’ Neville continued, ‘is a liar, a cheat and a bully! She hid the audition scorecards and took the part of the grumptious stepsister away from Rubella Bulch.’
The audience gasped.
‘BELLY?’ Malaria shouted. ‘MY BELLY, A PRINCESS?’
‘Gonker!’ Neville said and pointed at Abominatia.
The audience umm-ed and ooh-ed.
‘NO, I’M NOT … I’M AN ARTSY, SHOWBIZZLY BRAINY-BONK AND MY DAUGHTER IS WONDEROUS!’
‘You’re a fuzzbonk,’ came a voice from behind. Everyone turned to see Halitosis step through the curtain with her team of hinkapoots following in a line behind. ‘My hinkapoots told me everything … YOU’RE A BIG, UGGISH GONKER AND … AND … YOUR DAUGHTER SINGS LIKE A STRANGLED SLURCH!’
‘THAT’S IT!’ Abominatia shouted at Halitosis. ‘YOU AND YOUR DISGUSTEROUS DANCIN’ BOGEYS WILL NEVER WORK IN THIS THEATRE AGAIN … THE SAME GOES FOR THE REST OF YOU AS WELL!’
‘Who cares?’ Dunk growled, stepping on from the other side of the stage. He brandished a large spanner and frowned at Abominatia.
The upside-down troll-lady looked suddenly nervous.
‘You always made my life miserous,’ added Mucus as he leapt out from behind a curtain, spun, flipped and struck a pose.
Abominatia snarled at her assistant. ‘YOU MADE YOUR OWN LIFE MISEROUS, YOU –’
‘JUST SHUT UP!’ came a voice.
Everyone looked about.
‘Who said that?’ snapped Abominatia.
‘I did.’ Gruntilda clambered up through the trapdoor in her underwear and stood there with her hands on her scrawny hips.
‘WHAT DID YOU SAY?’ Abominatia looked stunned beyond belief.
‘I said Shut up, Moomsie!’
Gruntilda walked over to where Abominatia was hanging and poked the end of her nose. ‘I’m not a dungle, Moomsie! I know I can’t sing, but d’you know what? NEITHER CAN YOU! I’ve heard you in the kitchen … YOU SOUND LIKE A STRANGLED SLURCH TOO!’
‘YOU REVOLTIN’, TWIGGISH –’ Abominatia kicked her legs wildly and snapped free of the rope. She clattered to the floor, but was instantly back on her feet, drooling and snarling like a monster at the circle that had gathered round.
‘I’M GOIN’ TO FEED EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU TO MY HAIR!’ she bellowed as her flytraps gnashed viciously.
‘Oh, no you won’t,’ Halitosis shouted.
‘Oh, yes she will!’ the audience yelled back.
‘I don’t think so.’ A smile spread across Halitosis’s round face. ‘I THINK IT’S TIME FOR THE TREMUNDOUS HINKA-HURL!’ She tapped her stick three times on the ground and the hinkapoots sprang into action.
Neville sighed … Grimble wasn’t with the others.
‘Errghh! What are they doin’?’ Abominatia squirmed as they crawled up her legs and clambered round her dress. ‘Get them off me!’
‘HINKA-HURL!’ Halitosis shouted and did another strange hand gesture.
The hinkapoots quickly climbed into a tall tower formation, one on top of another, and grabbed Abominatia. Then, in one super-quick action, they spun her up and up, one hand then the next hand, faster and faster, twisting and turning, and then …
‘NO!’ Abominatia bawled. ‘YOU CAN’T DO THIS … I’M SO TALENTY!’
The hinkapoots hurled Abominatia at the ceiling as if she was as light as a dungle’s dandruff. She shot skywards and arched across the theatre, shrieking and howling until SMAAAAASSSSHHHH! – she rocketed straight through the roof.
‘Bye-bye, Moomsie,’ Gruntilda chuckled to herself.
There was a long silence. The audience sat there with wide eyes and shocked expressions.
Thicket, who had been watching from the side of the stage, shuffled towards Gruntilda and looked at her in her scrawny pantybloomers.
‘I just wanted to say …’ Thicket began, taking Gruntilda’s hands.
Neville felt his heart sink. Poor Rubella.
‘I just wanted to say – PAAAAA! HA-HA-HAA!’
Thicket pointed at Gruntilda and hopped from foot to foot. ‘I CAN SEE YOUR KNICKSIES!’ Then he turned to Rubella, winked and walked offstage.
Gruntilda screamed and dived back down through the trapdoor in floods of tears. ‘AAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEGGGHHHH!’
Neville looked at Rubella. She was starting to turn that same pink colour she had turned before.
‘Are you all right, Belly?’ asked Malaria. ‘You’re lookin’ a bit … erm … rosy.’
‘He … h-he …’ stammered Rubella, ‘… winked at me.’ Then she swooned in a heap on the floor. THUUUDDD!
‘WOOOOO!’
Clod leapt to his feet and started clapping and jumping riotously. ‘THAT WAS THE MOST INCREDIBUMP SHOW I’VE EVER SEEN … I … I … CAN’T BELIEVE IT.’
Other trolls began to join in and, before long, there was a huge standing ovation. Everyone onstage nervously hobbled forward and took a bow.
‘How squibbly,’ Malaria whispered to Neville. ‘I feel all famously.’
But Neville didn’t feel famously. He felt dreadful. Walking over to Halitosis, he put a hand on her arm and hung his head.
‘Grimble didn’t come back, did he?’ Neville asked, his bottom lip trembling.
‘No,’ Halitosis said.
‘I’m so sorry,’ blurted Neville. ‘I tried to catch him, I really did.’
Halitosis put her arm round Neville and hugged him.
‘Don’t worry about Grimble,’ she said. ‘He’s greedier than a gundiskump. He’ll show up when he gets hungry, I promise.’ Then she pulled Neville to the front of the stage with the rest of her Hinka-circus and took a bow.
After the clapping died down, the audience shuffled out through the rows of chairs and headed for the exits, mumbling in shock and disbelief.
All except Clod.
‘I’M FLABBERGUSTISH! I’M BUNGLED IN MY BONCE, I AM! THAT WAS THE BEST ACTIN’ IN THE WHOLE OF THE UNDERNEATH … WHOPPSY!’
He sat in the middle of a row with Pong on his knee and bounced him joyously up and down.
‘CAN WE COME AGAIN TOMORROW?’ Clod shouted to his family onstage.
Suddenly, Rubella jumped back on to her big sweaty feet.
‘NOT ON YOUR NELLY!’ she shouted.