After their marriage, for the first three nights a couple should sleep on the floor and observe celibacy. Pungent and salty food is abjured. For a week they have ceremonial baths accompanied by music, dress up and eat together, attend shows and visit relatives. This is done by all the classes.
(1)
During this period, when they are alone at night, the man should make gentle advances to the girl. For, as pointed out by the followers of Babhravya, if she sees him act a silent statue for three nights, she may think he is of the third nature and despise him. So he should make advances and assure her, according to Vatsyayana. But he should not transgress the bounds of celibacy, nor should he do anything to coerce her.
(3–5)
Girls are like flowers and need to be approached with a certain delicacy. If the approach is violent before gaining their trust, they could be turned off sex altogether. So it must be gentle, even if contrived, and the man should feel his way along.
(6–7)
So he should embrace her in a way that pleases her, but not for too long, and only with the upper half of his body which she can endure. A mature young woman he already knows well can be embraced with the lamp light still on, but if she is a girl he does not know at all, he should approach her in the dark.
(8–10)
Once she accepts his embraces, he offers her a betel leaf with his mouth. Should she be reluctant, he persuades her with words of assurance, oaths, counter-proposals or even by falling at her feet. The last a girl will generally not ignore even if she is embarrassed or very angry. And then, while putting the betel leaf in her mouth, he kisses her softly, without a sound.
(11–12)
This achieved, he gets her to talk. Pretending he does not know something, he asks whatever can be answered in a few words, just to listen to her voice. If she does not reply, he asks again, always reassuringly and never by agitating her. If she still does not speak, he should persist, for, as Ghotakamukha states, all girls comprehend what men say though they may not utter a word, even as small talk.
(13–17)
Unlike what happens in a quarrel, when the man persists she will answer by nodding or shaking her head. Thus, pressed for long with ‘Do you want me?’ or ‘Don’t you want me?’, ‘Do you like me?’ or ‘You don’t like me?’, she replies with a shake or a nod. If tricked into doing so, she may argue about it.
(18–19)
If they already know each other, the man can begin their conversation with the intermediary of a woman friend trusted by both and well inclined towards him. Then the girl lowers her gaze and smiles. If the friend talks too much she chides and argues with her. ‘She said this,’ the friend may joke, even when the girl has said nothing. And when the man follows up and asks for an answer, she remains silent. ‘I am not saying any such thing,’ she replies at last in indistinct and unclear words when the man persists, and smiles as she casts a sidelong glance at him. This is how he gets her to talk.
(20–21)
When she has thus got to know him, and they are alone, she puts near him without a word the betel leaf, the pomade and the garland he asked for. Or she ties them to his upper garment. While she is thus occupied he brushes her on the nipples with the ‘mixed’ touch. If she protests, he says: ‘You embrace me too. Then I will not do this,’ and then embraces her. Stretching his hand down to her navel, he first withdraws it and, by degrees getting her on his lap, goes further and further. If she resists he makes a mock threat. ‘I will definitely make bite marks on your lower lip and scratch marks on your breast. Then, doing the same to myself, I will tell your girl friends that you made them. What will you say then?’ Thus does he beguile her, bit by bit, like children are cajoled with threats and assurances.
(22–24)
On the second and the third nights, when she is a little more assured, he works on her with his hands, and kisses her all over. Placing his hand on her thighs, he caresses them, moving gradually even to where they join her body. If she restrains him, he confuses her by saying ‘What’s wrong in this?’ and goes slow till he succeeds and touches her secret place. Then he loosens her girdle, unties the skirt-knot, turns up the garment and resumes caressing her groins, all under various pretexts. Finally he penetrates and pleasures her. But the vow of celibacy for the first three nights should not be broken before its time.
(25–28)
Thereafter he teaches her in the ways of love, demonstrates his own love for her and tells her about his ambitions in the past. Promising to live in the way she wants, he also dispels her anxiety about co-wives. And, though she is no longer a virgin, he continues to make advances gradually over the course of time without agitating her. This concludes the winning of a girl’s trust.
(29)
Here are some verses on this:
The man who follows a maiden’s mind
can win it over in this way
by stratagems which make her love
and begin to trust him.
Winning a girl cannot be done
just by falling in line with her,
nor by going against her wishes:
one should steer a middle course.
The man who can inspire
love for himself in a girl,
by increasing her self-respect
and winning her confidence
will be very dear to her.
But one who will neglect a girl,
considering her to be too shy –
who cannot comprehend her.
Or, unmindful of her feelings,
one who forces himself on a girl,
will plunge her forthwith in a state
of fear, alarm, regret and hate.
Thus denied the pleasure of love,
and by regrets overcome,
she becomes a man-hater, or,
vengeful, turns to other men.
(30–35)
A man with no money even though meritorious, one of average merit but with a bad reputation, a next-door neighbour though rich, one dependent on his parents and brothers or one admitted into the house only because of his childlike disposition: such a man will not be able to marry a girl in the ways described earlier. He can, however, try to win one by cultivating her from her childhood.
(1–2)
Such a man in the south, a poor orphan living with the family of his mother’s brother, can win over that uncle’s daughter though she may be rich and unattainable or already betrothed to someone else. He can also try for another girl outside the family. Such courting for the sake of Dharma is praiseworthy, according to Ghotakamukha, even with a young girl.
(3–5)
In keeping with their familiarity and ages, he can go picking flowers with the girl, stringing them into garlands, playing house with dolls or preparing meals. He can also play with her and her trusted servants and maids at dice and board, betting with fists and shells, catching the middle finger, six pebbles and other local games she likes. With her girl friends they can play livelier games like hide and seek, starters, line of salt, hitting the wind, heaps of wheat, finger strikes and others of the region.
(6–8)
He thus gets to know and constantly pleases the girl friend whom she trusts. In particular he is attentive to the daughter of the girl’s nurse.
If she likes him, she will not come in his way, even if she knows his intentions, but will bring him together with the girl and also advise him unasked. And, even if unaware, she can publicize his merits out of love for him so as to attract the girl he wants to woo.
(9–11)
He finds out what interests the girl and arranges to provide it. Playthings she has never had before, which girls seldom know of, he gets her right away. He shows her balls with many stripes of variegated quickly changing colours, dolls of string and wood, horn and ivory, wax, dough or clay, and demonstrates utensils for cooking rice. He gives her presents, secretly where he can and openly those which are for public display: little coupling sheep made of wood; a pair of wooden figures, man and woman, joined together; small temples of clay, split bamboo and wood for the families of gods; cages for parrots and cuckoos, mynahs and quails, cocks and partridges; water pots of various shapes; clockwork toys and lutes; cosmetics like lac, red and yellow arsenic, vermilion and collyrium, sandalwood and saffron; areca nuts and leaves in season. He tries to convince her that he is someone who can meet all her desires.
(12–16)
Making up a story, he asks to see her in private, and explains that his fear of elders was the reason for his secret gift, also that others may have wanted it. As her love grows and she evinces interest in more stories, he entertains her with suitable tales which will steal her heart away. If she delights in marvels, he performs magic tricks to astonish her; if she is curious about the fine arts, he demonstrates his skills in them; if fond of music, he amuses her with captivating songs. During her visits to the moonlight celebration for the eighth moon of autumn, other festivals, eclipses or homecomings, he presents her with different kinds of chaplets, ear decorations, indigo dyed cloth, rings and other ornaments, but not if he thinks this will cause any misunderstanding.
(17–20)
He explains to the daughter of the girl’s nurse the sixty-four techniques of love used by a man, so that she knows that he is different from other men, and also becomes aware of his expertise in sexual enjoyment. He dresses well, makes sure that the girl notices him and gauges her feelings from her gestures and expressions. Young women first come to like a man whom they know and who is always around but, even so, generally do not take the initiative. So much for approaching girls.
(21–24)
Here we speak about the girl’s gestures and expressions. She does not look at the man directly. Being noticed by him, she acts embarrassed. Under some pretext she exposes the attractive parts of her body. And she glances at him furtively, when he is distracted or at a distance.
(25–26)
Asked about something, she smiles and replies very softly in indistinct words with unclear meanings, her gaze downcast. She is pleased to be near him for a long time. If at a distance, she speaks with her attendants in a raised voice, hoping he will notice her, and does not leave that place. And she laughs at whatever she sees, talking about it to stay on there. She may kiss and hug a child in her arms, make a beauty spot on her maid and, with her attendants as the backdrop, put on all kinds of acts.
(27–28)
She confides in his friends, and respects and follows their advice. With his attendants she talks pleasantly and plays dice and other games. She also puts them to work like a superior and listens carefully to what they say to others about the man. Encouraged by her nurse’s daughter, she goes to his house to play dice or have a chat with the daughter as a go-between. But she avoids coming before him unless she is all dressed up. If he asks for her ear ornament, ring or flower garland as a memento, she gravely takes it off and puts it in her girl friend’s hand. What he gives her, she always wears. And if there is talk of other suitors, she becomes dejected and will have nothing to do with their supporters.
(29–30)
Having seen her gestures and
expressions imbued with feeling,
the man should think of various ways
for getting together with that girl.
(31)
A girl is won with children’s games,
a young woman with the arts,
and one affectionate and mature
by winning over those she trusts.
(32)
It is after seeing the girl’s gestures and expressions that a man considers ways to make his advances. He can hold her hand with a meaningful look while contesting a point in the course of dice and other games. He can resort to the ‘touch’ and the other embraces already described. While cutting figures out of leaves he can hint at his own intentions by showing her, once in a while, a coupled pair among other images. While playing in the water he can dive down at a distance and come out near her after touching her. He can also express his special feelings with fresh tender leaves and suchlike, talk about his own unhappiness, but without self-pity, and tell her among other things of some emotional dream he has had.
(1–9)
He sits near her at shows and family gatherings, and touches her under some pretext. He presses her foot with his own placed upon it, touching each of her toes, one after the other, rubbing her toenails with his big toe. This achieved, he goes further, step by step, carrying on till she begins to tolerate it. While she is washing his feet he presses her fingers, using his toes as a pincer. After the ceremonial sipping of water, he sprinkles some on her, and, while giving her something or taking it from her, he makes a special mark upon it.
(10–18)
When they are sitting together alone in the dark, or reclining in the same area, he makes her feel comfortable and expresses his feelings without agitating her. ‘I had something to tell you in private,’ he says, alluding to some unexpressed emotion as described in the section on other men’s wives. And once he knows her feelings for him, he gets her to visit his home on the pretext of obtaining his news as he is unwell. After her arrival he develops a headache and, taking her hand emotionally, places it upon his forehead and eyes. ‘This act is therapeutic,’ he says. ‘It has to be performed by you. It can’t be done by anyone except a virgin girl.’ And when she is leaving he lets her go with many requests that she come again.
(19–25)
The foregoing method can be used for three evenings and nights. When she comes again he must talk with her at even greater length to ensure more frequent visits. Even if she comes with other women, he should continue to try winning her trust though he may not say anything in particular. For, as Ghotakamukha observes, even when his feelings for a girl are far advanced, a man cannot succeed without expressing them. But his advances should be made only when he is sure that the girl is well prepared to receive them. It is generally said that young women are less timid in the evening, at night and in the dark. They then become passionate, inclined to sex and will not refuse a man. Therefore that is the time to have them.
(26–31)
Sometimes it is not possible for a man to make advances on his own. He should then induce her girlfriend or her nurse’s daughter, who sympathize with him and know his intent, but will be discreet, virtually to lead the girl into his arms so that he may proceed as earlier described. Or he can have his own housemaid installed as the girl’s companion. Then he can make his advances whenever other people are busy with sacrifices or weddings, travelling or festivals, shows and other preoccupations, and the girl is alone. But he should first have judged her feelings for him from her gestures and expressions. According to Vatsyayana, once a woman has revealed her feelings she will never turn away if approached at the right time and place. This concludes the man’s advances.
(32–35)
A girl of quality but from a modest background, well bred but with no money, true to her family and class but an orphan, may never be sought after by her peers for marriage. So, on coming of age she should herself take the initiative in getting married.
(36)
She looks for a man of merit, able, handsome and known from childhood. Or one she thinks will want to marry of his own accord without consulting his parents because his flesh is weak. She should attract them with endearing ways and frequent meetings. Her mother, together with her girl friends and nurse’s daughters, should also encourage her in this.
(37–39)
She meets the man in lonely places at odd hours, with flowers, perfumes or a betel leaf in hand. She displays her proficiency in the arts and skill in massaging and pressing the head. She talks to him about what he likes and conducts herself as described in the section on approaching a maiden. But she should not make overt advances to the man, even if she is so inclined. For a young woman doing this ruins her own future prospects, according to the teachers.
(40–41)
However, she goes along with the man’s advances, not showing any excitement when embraced and accepting his gentler moves as if unaware of them. She lets herself be kissed only by force, and permits his touching her private parts with great difficulty when he begs her for this because of his erotic arousal. But she does not open herself up too much, even though entreated by him. For the time for that is still far off and uncertain.
(42–45)
It is only when she is sure that ‘He loves me and will not leave me’ that she lets the aroused man do away with her maidenhood. And when she has lost her virginity, she should make this known to those she trusts. Such are the woman’s advances.
(46–47)
There are some verses here:
A girl sought after
should marry the man
she thinks will give her
a comfortable home,
be someone compatible
and in her control.
(48)
But, ignoring merit,
appearance, propriety,
out of greed for money
when she looks for a husband,
even one with other wives,
she will not attract a man
of quality, ability,
wanting her strongly,
seeking to get her,
and one she could control.
(49–50)
Better a man controllable
though he may be poor,
able to support one
though lacking other merits,
than one endowed with them
but a husband of many wives.
For such wives of rich men
go out for enjoyments
and have external comforts,
but no self-assurance.
(51–52)
A base man or a greybeard,
or one inclined to go abroad,
is not worth marrying
though he may make advances.
Nor one who propositions
just when it pleases him,
is an arrogant gambler
or has a wife and children.
(53–54)
If there are several suitors,
all with similar merits,
she should then select the one
with the most loving nature.
(55)