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When my mom called and said she and Caydence ran into Lucas in the lobby, my heart sank.
I thought I would have some time with him before I had to tell him the truth. I am still not sure what I am going to say to him.
How do I go about saying, oh by the way you have a daughter who is five years old?
When you left six years ago, I was pregnant and never told you. There is no way he missed the resemblance; she looks so much like him.
I make the way up to the top floor in the red bodycon dress, some silver Manalo pumps and my Gucci purse.
I may look amazing with my hair down in waves the way he likes it and some amazingly done make-up, but I know I am visibly shaking.
The doors open into this beautiful modern penthouse.
I am in awe of how gorgeous this is. And I thought I did well? HA! He is standing there looking quite dashing if I do say so myself. That polo hugs him in all the right places and his jeans fit like a glove.
“Maddie, you look breathtaking. I am glad you did not come casual and decided to wear that.” He says with a smile.
Maybe he didn’t make the connection between him and Caydence after all?
“Thank you, you look quite dashing yourself.” I smile.
“Pizza will be here any minute. Do you want to eat in the dining room or here in the living room like we used to?” He asks.
“Living room sounds great.” I say and know it came out shaky.
“Maddie, you have a daughter.” Welp, there it is, he is jumping right into it.
“Yes, I do.” I say looking at the floor.
“Hey, look at me” he says and now, he is right in front of me with his hands on my shoulders.
“That’s okay. I love kids. She is gorgeous just like you.” He says with a warm smile.
So, he did not make the connection.
“Thank you, she is my world.” I say honestly. Well, as honest as I am brave enough to be right now.
“What happened to her father?” Well, shit...
“He is not in her life. Well, honestly, he does not know about her.” I say with a half-truth. Why can I not just tell him?
“I am so sorry, Maddie. I am here for you alright?” He says so earnestly, my guilt begins to swallow me hole.
“Thank you,” I say in nothing more than a whisper.
I get a slight reprieve when the front desk calls to let us know the pizza delivery has arrived.
We sit down to eat, and he has provided wine, which I take a glass of white thankfully. I need some liquid courage right about now.
“Becky sent you over the story, do you have any questions we need to go over?” He asks since I have been sitting silently for a good ten minutes.
“No, she outlined things amazingly. Thank you so much for this exclusive. My boss is over the moon. I will draft up the article tomorrow in the office and send it over for you and Becky to review.” It feels really good to talk about work and not the elephant in the room.
“Great, I know you will do the story justice.” He says proudly.
We finish eating while watching Friends reruns and move to sit more closely together on the couch.
I need to tell him, I really do. And when I turn to do just that, his lips meet mine instead.
What starts out as a gentle caress quickly builds to more, but how can I do this when I have something so heavily on my mind.
“Lucas, stop. I need to tell you something.” I say while looking at my hands.
“I am sorry, I have just been dreaming about this moment with you over the last six years. There has been no one since you and I know that isn’t the case for you, which hurts, but I am okay with it. You are single now though, right?” he is speaking quickly.
It’s now or never...
“Lucas, I have not been with anyone since you either.” I say the words and wait for them to sink in for him.
His eyes go wide, and he looks dumbfounded.
“Maddie, we have never lied to one another. You have a daughter. Clearly, you have been with someone else.” He says defensively.
I know this is the moment where everything will change and I may lose him, but I know he is a good man, and even if he hates me, maybe he won’t take my daughter from me and will love her anyways.
“Lucas, Caydence is your daughter.” I say pensively.
I swear his face has just turned white as a ghost. He gets up and begins pacing the room and I have no idea where this is going to go, but I have never been so afraid in my life. He still has not said anything almost ten minutes later.
Should I leave and give him time to process the bomb I just dropped on him?
Should I stay and beg him to understand?
Will he ever understand?
I was eighteen years old, I thought he had gotten Kate pregnant, and he left for OU.
I was young, what else was I supposed to do besides raise her and keep moving forward with life?
Will he understand?
I should have told him. I should have called him.
What if he can never forgive me?
“Lucas, I am so sorry. I am going to go and give you time to process this information.” And with that he turns to look at me and it is the iciest expression I have ever seen.
In this moment, I know I have lost him forever, and the pain that sears through me is worse than when I saw him with Kate all those years ago.