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I did not know what to expect when meeting Caydence, but it is like my whole life now has meaning.
My heart grew inside my chest, and she is now my everything. I feel warm and almost complete, the only thing that would make it better is to convince Maddie to be mine.
Caydence asked me to put her to bed tonight and I have no idea what I am doing.
The fact that I have missed so much already, and she is walking me through a bedtime routine I should already know is heartbreaking. I am trying to be forgiving and understanding as to why Maddie kept this from me, but I cannot deny that I am hurt. I can’t help but just watch on like some lunatic as Caydence brushes her teeth and asks me to help brush her hair out.
“Mommy normally puts my hair in a braid at night, otherwise I cry in the morning when she has to brush it. Can you do a braid?” She asks so sweetly and innocently, and I feel like shit right away, because no, I do not know how to braid.
“Why don’t I go get Mommy and let her do the braid?” I ask knowing I sound sad. If I had been here this whole time, maybe I would have learned.
“Mommy!!!!” Caydence yells out. “Daddy doesn’t know how to braid hair, can you come help him do it?” I hate that I don’t know how, but this is a chance to learn something new and hearing her call me Daddy made me forget why I was upset a second ago.
Maddie makes her way into the bathroom and shows me slowly how to braid. This is like rocket science. I am going to need a lot of practice.
“See easy!” Maddie says with a playful smile. She knows me well enough to know I am totally lost.
Now that she is all ready for bed, Maddie kisses her cheek and tweaks her nose and says she loves her before heading back out of the room.
I have her tucked in tightly like a burrito as she called it and have read her a book.
“Now is when Mommy kisses me goodnight and turns on my night light over there and leaves, but she leaves the door cracked open, so I don’t get scared.” She tells me in her sweet little voice.
So, I turn on the night light and kiss her cheek just like Maddie had done and tell her I love her and to have sweet dreams. I am at the door and about to walk away when she calls for me.
“Daddy, please don’t leave again. I want you to stay forever now that I have you.” Her voice sounds like she may be crying, but with the light off, it is hard to tell.
I kneel beside her bed and hold her little hand.
“I won’t go anywhere. I promise.” And it is a vow I intend to keep.
I decide to stay a while and hold her hand, but she is asleep in minutes. I make my way back to the living room to find Maddie with wet hair and in her pajamas. She looks so beautiful. She has never needed anything to enhance her beauty. She is already stunning.
“Did you fall asleep in there or did she talk your ear off. I was about to come cut you guys off, so she isn’t tired for school tomorrow.” She says with a smile.
“She fell asleep almost instantly, I stayed a few minutes and watched her sleep.” When did I become a sap?
“Lucas, its almost midnight. You were in there for hours.” Wow, it sure felt like minutes to me.
Now I am standing here awkwardly. I told Caydence I was not going anywhere, but I did not say I was staying the night and would be here when she woke up. I hope she understands.
“Listen, I may have messed up. I told Caydence I would not leave her again, but I did not explain that I would not be here in the morning.” I let out a long sigh and know I have already messed up.
“Lucas, you can stay here tonight. We can explain to her tomorrow that not all Mommies and Daddies live together and are married and sometimes they must share their time with their kids when its like that.” She says quietly and I can tell she is uncomfortable.
I am not sure what to say to that. I don’t want to be like that. I want to be with Maddie and Caydence every day and never miss anything else.
“Why do we have to explain that? We should be together Maddie.” I know the irritation in my voice isn’t something she missed.
“Lucas, listen, I do not think we should rush into anything. We haven’t seen each other in years and don’t know one another as adults. You have no idea how much a kid changes things.” Well look at that, she mirrored my irritation. I would understand had she not hid this from me for years.
“Maddie, whose fault is that? You kept her from me and you are not doing that ever again.” I say raising my voice.
“Would you be quiet? She just met you do you really want her to wake up to yelling right now?” Her face is turning red, and I can see that I am only making things worse.
Why is she even mad right now? She is the one that put us in this spot and would not listen to me back in high school.
“You have no right to be mad at me right now. I did nothing to deserve this, no matter what you thought back then. I am trying to be understanding and forgiving here, but you are not going to fault me for wanting to be a family with the woman I love and my daughter.” I say, again with my voice too loud.
“I am going to pay her school for the year tomorrow, and you are going to have to accept that. I am her father. I will not allow you to dictate what I do for her. I am also going to want to see her and you won’t get in the way of that or we can solve this in court.” As soon as the words leave my mouth, I know I have royally fucked up. The last thing I want to do is go to court and come in making demands.
“Excuse me? You do not get to show up and turn our life upside down or make demands of me. I am her mother and you are stranger!!!”
Her vein on her forehead is popping and she is bright red with anger.
“Turn your life upside down?” I am about to dig this hole deeper, but my anger isn’t letting me see that right now.
“You finally come back into my life, which has been a shell of what it was after you left me for something I did not even do, and then I find out I have a kid I knew nothing about, and I am the one turning your life upside down.” I am so deep in this hole. I don’t want to fight; I just want to be let in.
“Get out.” She says with finality.
“I will tell her you had a early practice and had to go. We both need to calm down and right now I cannot even look at you. You said you would not take her from me and here you are threatening court and everything else. Get out now.” She says void of any warmth and I know that she means it.
“Listen, I don’t want to go to court. I should not have said that, but I want to be a part of her life. I want to be with you. I have waited so long to have you back and I do not want you to push me away.” I say calmly this time.
“Maddie, I never stopped loving you and I loved her the second I laid eyes on her. Please give me a chance here.”
“Fine. Stay. I am going to bed.” She says and walks away without a second glance.
I knew this would be hard, but I never thought it would be this hard. I need to get over my anger fast before I blow this and lose her again.
I also do not want anything to get in the way of being with my baby girl.
She walks back out. “Here,” she hands me a blanket and pillow, “sleep on the couch.” She states flatly.
I decide to walk up in her personal space and put the bedding on the couch and crash my lips to hers. She doesn’t push me away, which shocks me, so I step in closer and put my hands in her hair.
When a small moan escapes her, I know I need to step back. We were already intimate, and I do not want her to think that is all I want.
With my hands still in her hair, I press my forehead to hers, “I love you; I don’t want to fight, I just want to be here.” I say softly.
“Lucas, I love you too, but I am terrified and do not know how to handle any this and need you to slow down.” She says breathlessly.
I take her hands in mine and kiss her cheek. “I will slow down, but do not push me away. We work Maddie and need to try to learn to be a family.”
With that, I let her go and she walks to her room, and I make myself comfortable on the couch. I play sports for a living and work my ass off, but that is nothing compared to the fight I am about to have to put up to keep my family.
I decide to pull out my phone and call Becky. I need to fill her in on everything, because no one is going to care about my injury when this leaks.