Anna called her mother for their weekly chat early on Saturday morning. As usual, she asked after her father first.
“He’s going strong and I plan to keep him that way for a long time.” Amelia Molina said. “How is that precious boy of ours?”
“Zack’s doing fine. He still loves preschool and now that the weather allows him to get to the park more often, he’s in heaven. He loves the spiral slide best.”
“Are you going to the park today?” her mother asked.
“Actually, we’re going on a picnic to Central Park,” Anna said.
She realized she hadn’t told her parents about meeting Myles. There was not much to say.
“With that friend of yours who has a child?” her mother asked.
“Actually, it’s with someone I met recently. He’s on leave right now and trying to see as much of New York as he can.”
“He?”
Her mother almost pounced on the word.
“Myles Riker.” She hadn’t told her parents about Myles’s role when Zack had run after a stranger, thinking it was Tom. Now it seemed too late.
“Someone I met because of preschool.”
That was the truth, just not all of it.
“An older man?” her mother asked.
“Not so old—just a few years older than I am.” Anna hadn’t considered how old Myles was. “He’s been working in the Middle East for the last few years.”
“Ah.”
“What does that mean?”
“I didn’t realize you had started dating again. It’s a good thing, honey.”
“Mom, we’re not dating. We’ve hardly spent any time together and Zack’s always with us. I don’t consider that dating.”
“He likes Zack?”
“Myles seems to like him very much.”
Anna remembered how he’d carried Zack home from pizza and tucked him into bed.
“And I’d say Zack likes him a lot. He insisted Myles read him his book last night at bedtime.”
Now that she thought about it, Zack had not looked at every man in the pizza place to see if he was Tom. Maybe meeting Myles had been a good thing.
“This Myles was there last night?”
“Mom, we went for pizza. He walked us home, read Zack a book, and that’s all. Don’t go making more of this than warranted.”
She didn’t see any reason to tell her mother about that kiss. The kiss that had kept her awake half the night, and dreaming X-rated dreams the other half.
“I want you to be happy, honey. We all miss Tom. It’s dreadful his dying so young. But you need not be a widow all your life. If you find happiness with another man, Tom would never have stood in your way. Clinging to the past won’t bring him back, honey.”
“I know.”
She looked at the closest picture. Tom was smiling into the camera. For a moment she felt the happiness in that day. He’d loved life. He’d want her to embrace it as well. But it was hard. She missed him so much. She didn’t know how to move on.
Could she with Myles?
Too early to tell. Though she’d been thinking about him a lot. And about the feelings she was coming to expect when around him—excitement, anticipation, desire.
“So should your father and I come up to meet Myles,” her mother said.
“No, you should not. If anything develops, I’ll let you know. For the moment, he’s just a lonely guy who wants some companionship when he goes sightseeing. We went to the zoo last week.”
“Sounds to me like it’s more than being acquaintances, but I’ll wait for you to tell me if we need to come up. Is Zack around? I’d love to talk to him. Poppa wants to talk to him as well. Then your father will want to talk to you.”
Anna called Zack and stayed nearby, listening to his side of the conversation. At one point, she almost interrupted. To hear Zack talk, Myles was the center of his world.
She hoped her parents weren’t getting the wrong idea. Or getting their hopes up. She knew her mother felt a woman was incomplete without a man. Not that she couldn’t do whatever she wanted, but she loved being married and thought that should be the goal of every woman on the planet.
Anna wasn’t sure she’d ever go down that road again. She and Tom had shared something special. Could she ever find that a second time? What if she married and found she continued to miss Tom? Or compared a new husband to Tom.
Or worse, fell in love and lost him again.
“Okay.”
Zack turned and handed her the phone.
“Poppa wants to talk to you.”
“Hi, Dad.”
“How’s my best girl?”
“Mom must not be nearby,” Anna said.
He laughed.
“She’s right here, but knows you’re my best girl. Zack talked of nothing but this Myles. What do you know about the man?”
Anna spent a couple of minutes filling in her father with what limited information she had about Myles. Then she changed the subject and asked after her dad’s bingo nights.
When the conversation ended, Anna couldn’t say she was sorry. She needed to be careful about what she said in the next phone call with her parents. She didn’t want them projecting their own desires for her future on to Zack. They were fine, just the two of them.
As she got Zack ready for their picnic, she wondered if she should be so quick to accept all Myles’s invitations. She’d been happy they included Zack. Her little boy still missed his father. She ached for him and knew he was too young to fully understand his daddy was never coming home.
But he was not too young to bond with another male. She wasn’t changing one heartache for another, was she?
When Myles arrived and knocked, Zack ran to the door.
“Who is it?” he yelled, then quickly opened the door.
“Hi, Myles,” he said, smiling up at the man.
“You didn’t give me time to answer,” Myles said, reaching out to tousle the little boy’s hair. “Next time, let me tell you who is at the door before you open it, okay?”
“’Kay,” Zack said. “Mommy, Myles’s here.”
“So I see,” Anna said, coming into the tiny hall.
She felt breathless with anticipation. For one crazy moment, she wished he’d reach out and kiss her senseless. But not in front of Zack. And maybe never again. She needed to keep her head straight.
The day was lovely. A slight breeze blew from the west, keeping the temperatures down, but the sunshine more than made up for it. Zack had only been to Central Park a few times. When they arrived and he saw the vast expanse of lawn, he was awed.
“Most green I’ve seen in years,” Myles said, surveying the same expanse.
“I bet it’s really brown in the desert,” Anna said.
She was prepared to enjoy the day and not remember their kiss. And she refused to wish for more.
Or she tried to. As the morning wore on, she looked at Myles’s mouth more and more, remembering the tingling awareness that had swept through her when he’d fastened his lips against hers.
Darn it. She wanted another kiss. Just to see if the first had been a fluke.
And if it hadn’t? She didn’t know what she’d do. She hardly knew him. They had so little in common. He worked thousands of miles away. How could she expect some kind of long-term relationship? Yet he was the most exciting man she knew. There was so much to discover and enjoy in the process.
They saw the Alice in Wonderland sculpture and rode the carousel several times, to Zack’s delight. Anna laughed more than she’d in months. Myles had a way of making the day special and fun.
Zack was enchanted to have the man stoop down and talk to him on his level. More than once, he leaned against Myles’s shoulder when he explained something to the boy. And He’d stopped looking at other men trying to find Tom.
Shortly after noon, Myles pointed to a shaded spot and asked if they’d like to have the picnic there.
Anna nodded as Zack ran ahead and then turned to wait for them.
Myles had toted a large canvas bag around all morning and now he unpacked it.
“I bought fried chicken, crusty bread and chocolate milk,” he said, taking first a blanket from the bag then a small, soft sided cooler.
“Something we’ll all like,” she said, touched he’d gone to such trouble.
Lunch proved to be fun. They were still within range of the carousel music, so when conversation ebbed and flowed, the music filled the silence.
When they finished, Myles leaned back and closed his eyes.
“The sun feels good. Warm, not blazing like the heat of Arabia.”
“Time for everyone to rest,” Anna said, grabbing Zack when he jumped up and was ready to run.
“I’m not tired,” he protested.
“Well, I am and so is Myles.”
“Lie down here by me, Zack, and we’ll look at the clouds,” Myles invited.
Anna glanced up. There were only a couple of small puffy white clouds in the sky.
Zack lay down right beside Myles.
“Now we look at the clouds and see what pictures we can see,” Myles said.
“Where are pictures?” Zack asked, looking around.
Myles glanced over at Anna. “Aren’t you joining us?” he asked.
She scooted down until she lay beside her son. Smiling, she studied one cloud, pointing it to Zack. “I see a rabbit,” she said.
Zack soon caught on, and the three of them found the most outlandish pictures in the few drifting clouds. Before long, Zack fell asleep and when Anna glanced over, Myles looked as if he had as well.
She felt such a feeling of well-being. It was fun to shed responsibilities for a few hours and enjoy herself. She closed her eyes and let the sun warm her through the leaves.
She awoke with a start a short time later. Zack was still asleep, but Myles sat on the edge of the blanket, his gaze a million miles away.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to fall asleep,” she said, sitting up.
“I dozed a bit myself.”
He turned to look at her.
“We’ve lost most of our shade. Zack won’t get sunburned, will he?”
“I put on sunscreen this morning, but let’s rig up some shade for his face.”
She moved the canvas bag so it was beside her son, then took off her sweater to make a lean-to shade for him.
“You won’t get cold?” Myles asked.
“I’m warm now. If it gets cooler, I’ll wake him up. But for now, the nap is good for him. Keeps him from being cranky.”
“How do you manage all you do with a rambunctious four-year-old?” Myles asked.
“I didn’t have to work when he was younger. Edith has been a lifesaver since Tom died. It would be so much harder if I didn’t have her to help me.”
“It would be better if he had a parent at home all day.”
“That was our plan. Only Tom got killed and so I had to go to Plan B. Or maybe it was Plan C, because we never even considered one of us dying before Zack grew up. I had planned to stay home at least until he started school. I miss so much. He changes every day. Edith takes pictures for me and my parents. I send a bunch out every few weeks so they’ll keep connected. But it’s not the same.”
Myles nodded.
“I guess you don’t have any photographs of you as a child,” she said thoughtfully.
“Actually, I have one album in storage. The foster parents took pictures on birthdays and Christmas. And I have my senior high school yearbook. The past doesn’t mean so much to me—it’s the future I look forward to.”
She could understand the past didn’t hold special memories for Myles. It was too sad that children had to grow up that way.
“I took pictures of different bases, not many but enough so I can remember them down through the years,” Myles said slowly. “Before and after shots, and some as the work progressed.”
They seemed a poor substitute for family photos.
“Do you have access to them? I’d love to see them sometime,” she said. It would give her more information, help understand him better perhaps.
“So one night we’ll share photo albums. I’m glad you came with me today,” he said.
“I’ve enjoyed myself.”
Once again, Anna’s glance dropped to Myles’s mouth. She glanced away.
Myles felt her look like a physical touch. She’d done that several times today; looked at his mouth and then looked away. Was she remembering their kiss? He’d thought of it ever since last night. He was coming to really like this mother to his son.
He’d also enjoyed today. Zack seemed to feel comfortable around him. He expected more resistance. Would it take long to win his complete confidence and trust? Could he, at some point in the future, reveal who he really was?
The longer Myles was around the boy, the more he wanted to be. This was his son, his own flesh and blood. So many things he’d wished for as a child he could give to this boy. He wanted nothing bad to happen to him. What if Anna was killed unexpectedly, like her husband?
Who would take care of Zack? Had she made provisions? Or was she hoping she never needed another Plan B?
He hoped she never did.
Myles watched his son nap. He was so trusting and loving and full of life. Had Myles once been like that? Before circumstances had taught him to be wary of bonds that could be shredded in a heartbeat when he was reassigned to a different family.
He’d sometime imagined his parents had lived and been searching for him. And one day found him.
He wondered if Zack had been told he was adopted? If not, would Anna tell him when he was older? What questions would he have about his birth parents? Myles never wanted him to think his father had let him down. Family ties were important.
He was happy Zack had been adopted by the Tuckers. Anna was a great mom, just like he’d wished for as a boy. Zack was lucky, despite the heartache of losing the only father he knew.
“I’m thirsty,” Zack said.
“You’re awake,” Anna said, moving her sweater. “There’s another bottle of water.”
Myles watched as Zack drank almost half the contents and then jumped up.
“Where are we going now?” he asked.
“I thought we’d take a carriage ride later,” Myles said.
“Let’s go,” Zack said, excited.
“Wait until we pack up,” Anna said.
Zack began running.
Myles rose, ready to give chase if needed.
“Zack,” he called.
The little boy stopped and turned.
Myles crooked his finger. When Zack slowly walked back, he said, “We have to pack up as your mother said. You’re growing up now. You need to take responsibility for some chores you can handle.”
Zack’s eyes got big.
“I have respons’bility?”
“Yes. Right now, you can take the trash to that can over there. Then come right back.”
Myles handed him a small bunch of napkins and foil.
Anna watched, bemused, as Zack carefully held the trash in both hands and took it to the trash can. Smiling, he ran back.
“Good job,” Myles said.
He glanced at Anna, who was studying him.
“Did I overstep a boundary?” he asked.
“Not at all. I think I’m keeping him a baby for too long. But he’s growing fast and while I love each stage, I really cherished the baby time.”
“I think I can understand that, but a child needs to push boundaries. That’s how they grow and learn.”
“So you know about kids?” she teased gently.
“Only from growing up around them,” he said gravely. “I had a lot of different families to compare, and to see what worked and what didn’t.” At least that part of his childhood had been beneficial—helping him formulate his own code of behavior, and the desires He’d for a family of his own. He’d almost forgotten the days he’d sat on a lonely park swing, dreaming of how things would be when he had a family. Work over the last decade had demanded all his focus.
Now that he was in an enforced medical leave, he had time to think. And plan for a future that possibly included his son in some way. And Anna.
He glanced at her, taking a good long look. Her hair was slightly disheveled from the nap and the breeze. Her cheeks were glowing and her eyes sparkled. He felt a tug on his heart. She was open and fresh and sexy as any woman he knew.
If it weren’t for Zack, and they weren’t in the middle of Central Park, he’d draw her into his arms again and kiss her. Last night had been chancy; now all he could think about was kissing Anna again.
“I welcome all suggestions,” she said as they began walking in the lush grass. “Parenting does not come with a handbook. Being a solo parent isn’t easy. No one to bounce ideas off of, or discuss serious situations.”
“Your parents don’t help?”
He tried to focus. Forget kissing her soon. But sooner or later, they’d be alone.
“To a degree. But I don’t want them to feel they have to put their lives on hold while I struggle with mine. Their living so far away doesn’t make matters easier. And Tom’s mother is in poor health, lives in an assisted-care facility in California. His dad died before we were married. So Edith is really an immense help. A member of our family, so to speak. Anyway, enough about me. What do you want to do next?”
Spend more time with you, was the immediate involuntary thought. Myles glanced down at Anna as she called to Zack to come back to walk with them. He felt a small spurt of contentment. She was having a good time because he’d invited her on this picnic. Did he have the capacity to give her a good time always?
“I brought a ball. Would Zack like to play catch?” Myles asked.
She laughed.
“He’d love it. But don’t expect any coordination yet. If you lob it gently right to him, he’ll catch it one time out of three. He’s pretty good at throwing,” Anna said. “Zack. Want to play catch?”
“Yes.” He ran back to them, his eyes shining. “Did you bring a ball?”
“I did,” Myles said, reaching into the bag and pulling out a small, soft ball.
“Thank you,” Zack said, hugging Myles’s leg.
The three of them played catch for as long as Zack was interested. Then Myles gave him the ball and sat on the grass to watch as Zack threw it high in the air and tried to catch it. His lack of success didn’t seem to dim his enjoyment.
Anna sat beside Myles.
“You seem to know exactly how to entertain a little boy. Remarkable since you have had little to do with children lately.”
“I was a boy once.”
“Did your foster parents play ball?”
He shrugged.
“The Zumwalts did. George Zumwalt was big on bonding, on giving the children they watched lots of experiences and fun times.”
“What happened to him?”
“He died unexpectedly of a heart attack when he was only forty-three,” Myles said.
He remembered the pain of that loss. His wife could not continue in the foster care program and Myles and the two other foster children had been split up and sent to new homes.
“I’m sorry.”
“Yeah, I was, too.”
Anna looked at Zack.
“As time goes on, Zack will remember less and less about his father. I wonder even now how much he remembers and how much he knows from the stories I tell. I guess I’m one of the lucky ones—both my parents are still living.”
“You are. One day you’ll marry again, and that man will be a role model for your son. He’ll have two parents again and even more grandparents,” he said.
Anna shrugged. “I don’t know. I loved Tom so much. I still can’t believe he’s gone.” She rubbed her chest. “The ache just doesn’t seem to go away.”
“There are other reasons to marry. To form a family. For companionship.”
“I know. But somehow, without love, I just don’t think it would work. It’s hard enough to be tied in a marriage when bad things happen. Disappointments. Frustrations. If there’s no bond of love, how would two people survive all that life throws at them?”
Myles leaned closer, reaching out to catch her hand in his and threading his fingers through hers.
“By working together through whatever hardship comes. Even if deep love doesn’t come, there could be affection and respect and liking. Would that be enough?”
Anna stared into his eyes. Myles could see the hesitation. He leaned back and squeezed her hand gently, letting her go. He was pushing too fast.
“I’m a fine one to talk. I’ve never married.”
Anna gazed at her hand, clinching it into a fist.
Myles couldn’t expect Anna to give him all the love her first husband had. But He’d always be a devoted husband and always love Zack. That should count for something. Could she see it that way?
They walked to where the carriages queued up. Myles paid as Anna lifted Zack into the white carriage and then climbed up after him. Zack was excited and asked if he could ride the horse.
“No. The horse’s job is to pull the carriage. You can watch the driver and maybe one day you’ll want to drive a carriage,” Anna said as
Myles joined them on the bench seat.
Slowly the horse started off. Zack bounced with excitement.
Myles stretched his arm on the back of the seat, his hand just inches away from her shoulders. Anna tried to relax and enjoy the ride, but her senses were revved up and attuned to Myles’s every move. It had been a long time since she’d felt this way around a man. Not since Tom.
They left for home after the carriage ride. Zack wanted Myles to come in and play with him.
“Not today, sport. Myles spent enough time with us. He has to do things on his own,” she said, with a quick smile at Myles.
It wasn’t Myles who needed time alone. It was her. Her heart had kicked up a notch when he’d taken her hand this afternoon. She’d wanted to recapture that feeling when they walked to the taxi stand in the Park, but had been too uncertain of how he’d take it.
She never wanted him to think she was some lonely widow looking for a man any place she could find him. Was her mother right? Did a woman need a man? She hoped not, for her sake.
“Thanks again for the picnic. I can’t remember the last one I went on,” she said to Myles in the elevator as it rose to her floor.
“Thank you for coming. A picnic for one just wouldn’t have been the same.”
“I guess not.”
She stepped off when the elevator reached her floor and the doors opened. Not Zack.
“I could come to your house and play,” he told Myles, gazing up at the tall man.
“Zack, no more today. Come along.”
For a moment, Anna was tempted to say the same thing. Only the play she had in mind wouldn’t be for children, but for two adults.
Shocked at her thoughts, she reached for Zack and urged him from the elevator. She knew people couldn’t read minds, but she’d to clamp down on her emotions before Myles picked up an inkling of what she was feeling.
She marched to her front door, resolutely refusing to turn to watch as Myles was enclosed behind the doors of the elevator and whisked away.
“Get a grip,” she mumbled as she fumbled with the key in the lock.
“What?” Zack asked.
“Nothing. Let’s wash our hands and have some juice, then you can play in your room for a while.”
Myles’s talk of marriage had been sad. Wasn’t he looking for love? She thought he was expecting too little. She and Tom had had a wonderful marriage. They’d loved the same activities, the same movies. They’d never ran out of things to talk about. Especially after a long day at the office when he came home and wanted to know every detail of Zack’s day. That first year they had Zack had been especially amazing. She longed for that close tie again.
Maybe her mother was right. She needed another husband.
But her expectations for a mate seemed higher than Myles’s. Maybe because she came from a loving family and he had none. Or maybe because of a myriad of other reasons. Whatever—was she softening in her no-more-marriage view? Was it time to let go?
It was too hard. She wanted to cling to all they’d had for as long as she could. Her marriage to Tom had been the best time of her life, and she hated to know it was gone. If she could just talk to him once more, spend an afternoon together. She hadn’t properly cherished their time together, had taken it for granted and in an instant, it vanished.
Could she ever move on, trust in the future enough to take a chance with another man? She didn’t think she could live through the heartache of losing a husband again.
Yet, did she want to live a lonely life from now until she was old and gray? That would mean possibly passing up a happy future simply to cling to the past. That sounded equally unacceptable. She didn’t enjoy feeling so confused.
It was just too hard.