33I MAKE IT THROUGH THE DOORS back into the hub just before they lock the SlipStream station down. My chit is vibrating like mad.

Michael.

I can’t do it. If I see him now, I’ll crumble. Fold in on myself and collapse like a balloon someone has let all the air out of. Sliding the tip of my knife under the edge of the chit, I force the handle down with all my might. Fire shoots through my hand as the chit tears away from the biometal filaments embedded in my nerves. The metal piece pops out of my palm, leaving five tiny pinpricks of blood at the base of my thumb. I ignore the pain and chuck the chit as far away as possible.

Making for the nearest hygiene unit, I dig in my tool belt until my fingers come up with the thing I’m looking for. A piece of wire—extra long, hair thin, and extremely sharp.

Unlike the first time, I don’t even hesitate, jamming the wire into my eye almost recklessly until the tip hits my chip.

*00:15:00*

I hold my breath and wait.

*00:14:59*

*00:14:58*

*00:14:57*

Fifteen minutes. The time feels like a lifetime and a blink of the eye all at once.

Coming out of the hygiene unit, I hear it. A great clang as the metal clamps connecting the spokes to the hub release and retract. I run to the nearest lounge and stare out the observation port. As I watch, the thrusters on the hub begin firing, pulling us up and away.

The rings quickly fall away from us. Michael was right; the thrusters are fast. After all, they were designed to move the hub away from the habitat areas in the case of a power reactor breach in the hub. Teal’s idea to run a reactor breach alarm to separate the two was brilliant. Luckily, Michael held on to his dad’s old chit instead of throwing it in the ’cycler like he was supposed to. There will probably still be a few infected in the rings, despite our efforts to flush them out. However, once Rowan links with Teal and Michael and sees my memories through them, he’ll know what to look for. He may have to use his psychic abilities to check everyone in the rings individually, but unlike the first time he checked in a mob of infected ex-prisoners, this time he’ll know what to look for. In Spectris Intra.

The Spectres Within.

Before I know it, the rings are out of sight, too far below us to see through the viewport no matter how much I crane my head. I sigh and slump against the viewport.

*00:11:14*

Eleven minutes to go. My mind feels rolled out and flat, and sparks are dancing madly in both eyes. I wonder what I should do with the last few minutes of my life. I suppose it doesn’t really matter. According to Niven, the explosives are so powerful, I don’t think it will matter where I am on the station when I go.

I press my face against the port again. I wish I could still see the rings. Maybe I couldn’t see Michael through those distant windows, but I could pretend. Pretend that he’s there in one of those observation ports, looking back at me even as I gaze at him.

An idea occurs to me. Maybe I can have one final look at the rings.

Quickly, I head toward the lift. The station is pretty much empty now, everyone either in the shelters or at their posts. I grab a platform going down, my heart beating a rapid tattoo as the levels pass one by one.

Six. Seven. Eight—my home for so many weeks. Nine. Ten. Eleven—PsyCorp. I once thought they were my biggest enemy, but instead they turned out to be my greatest ally. Twelve, Thirteen.

I jump off on the bottom floor. The level is deserted, and within seconds I am squeezing through the door into the storage space at the bottom of the station. I thread my way through the crates and boxes and throw open the trapdoor. Then without a second thought, I climb the ladder down through the tunnel.

My feet hit the floor of the observation deck with a thud. Glancing around, I gasp in wonder. The velvet cloak of space spreads out around me, so deep and dark it transcends the color black, and in it twinkle the blazing white lights of a million stars. It’s so exquisitely beautiful it makes my breath stop. How could I have not seen it before? How could I have looked from these ports without seeing this place for what it is? A vast, blazing, wondrous piece of heaven.

I collapse on my hands and knees and look down through the clear floor. I can barely see through the gold and silver sparks in my eyes, but there are the rings just below us now. My heart is pounding so hard I feel like it will burst from my chest at any moment. Heat begins filling my forearms. I hold my breath, remembering that this is where it all went wrong the last time. If it goes wrong again . . .

I feel a pinch in my arms, and suddenly the heat rushes out of them, dispersed into my bloodstream, and now I’m sure. It’s done; there will be no malfunction this time. I am going Nova. I check my time.

*00:01:03*

*00:01:02*

*00:01:01*

I’m well past the point where my clock stopped before, and still it’s going strong. Completely blind now, I can’t see a thing past the mass of bright sparks in my eyes. Warmth rushes through every limb, pushed through my veins by the furious thumping of my heart, and I can imagine those chemicals coming together, only a matter of time before they reach a high enough concentration to react. No, there will be no stopping this time.

To my surprise, tears start to form in my eyes. At first just one or two, and then suddenly my eyes are filled with liquid. A sob escapes my throat. I clap my hand over my mouth, but it can’t stop the sob that follows. Or the next, or the next. Realization bursts through me.

I don’t want to die!

I cover my face and drop my forehead to the floor, unable to stop weeping. Oh God, I’m so scared!

I laugh through my tears as I remember my first countdown. How fearless I was then! Going Nova was my only purpose, and I embraced it with everything I had. Only that was the false Lia, the one with no name, no family, no friends. The real Lia is nothing like her. She’s not fearless; she’s not brave. She doesn’t want to sacrifice her life or save the world. The real Lia is terrified. Terrified and heartsick and alone, and wanting nothing more than to cling to life with every cell in her body.

*00:00:26*

*00:00:25*

*00:00:24*

My body is shaking now from the effort of trying to contain the reaction inside me, and I don’t even try to fight it. I’m burning up, energy pulsing off my body in waves as though I was a star itself. I can feel everything in the minutest detail—the hardness of the floor under my knees, the soft flow of the air drifting around me, the coldness of the glass against my forehead.

*00:00:09*

*00:00:08*

*00:00:07*

My parents. Michael, Teal, Taylor, Kaeti, Shar, Rowan, Jao, Cavendish, Niven, everyone I’ve ever known. They flash through my mind in a million images, sharp-edged and brilliant. Aurora, Tiersten, New Sol. Every moment of my life, happy and sad, flooding my heart until I no longer know if I’m crying from grief or joy. From hope or despair. From the exquisite beauty of it all or the terrible unfairness of it all.

*00:00:01*

The sparks in my eyes go out, and suddenly the purest, brightest, most brilliant white bursts into my vision. For a brief moment, everything falls away, and all I feel is . . .

Peace.

The peace of a cold mountain lake, enduring through time, clear and deep and still.

Then the final second ticks down, and everything inside of me clenches, compressed together like coal to create a diamond, tighter and tighter and tighter until finally something snaps and then . . .

Nova