Chapter Twenty-One

James crossed back into the city limits of Cypress Creek after he and Grandpa had gone to the airport in Austin to pick up Astrid. He’d planned to take the drive with Reese, but Grams had insisted she needed her to help her with plants in her backyard. A bond had been growing between her and Grams, and he hoped it gave her some of what she was missing with her own grandmother.

“That Reese is a keeper,” Grandpa said to Astrid.

“Is that so?” Astrid asked from the back seat. “Anything you need to tell me, big brother?”

“Yep.” He glanced in the rearview mirror and caught her eye. “You’re still annoying.”

His sister waved him off and continued her discussion with Grandpa about everything she’d missed over the last few months.

He considered what Grandpa had said about Reese being a keeper. He’d said that same phrase many times over the last few weeks. He said it to Reese, and then to anyone who would listen. And every time, James had a funny start in his chest. What was it about the statement that got to him?

Then it hit him. It was the word keeper, as in Become The Keepers from Benjamin’s mystery notes. Was it another hint, or something…more? He almost asked but didn’t want to bring it up in front of Astrid.

When the three of them walked into his grandparents’ “city” house, the living room erupted with people.

“Surprise! Happy thirtieth birthday, James.”

A flash of embarrassment hit along with the joy of seeing so many happy faces here to celebrate with him. Now, Gram’s insistence that Reese stay with her made sense. He accepted hugs and well wishes.

After making his way through the crowd, he pulled the beautiful woman who’d stolen his heart into a hug. “How long have you and Grams been planning this party?”

“For a couple of weeks. Are you really surprised?”

“I had no clue.” He gave her a kiss appropriate for such a public venue.

“I didn’t bring your present. I plan to give it to you tomorrow on your real birthday. When we’re alone,” she added in a whisper against his ear.

James groaned. His little minx always knew how to get to him, and he was pretty sure she enjoyed getting him worked up when he couldn’t do anything about it.

“Now that you are thirty, can I call you old man?”

“You can call me your man.” He shocked himself with the statement, and a touch of panic hit him.

“Reese,” Astrid squealed. “I’m so happy to see you.”

The two women embraced, and he backed away from their enthusiastic reunion and went to stand beside Finn in a corner of the living room. His friend had lines of tension across his forehead. “Is your leg hurting?”

“No, it’s fine.”

He followed Finn’s line of vision to Astrid and Reese laughing beside the table of food and a three-layer chocolate cake. His sister glanced their way, and when her eyes met Finn’s, her expression flashed with something James couldn’t place. “What’s that about?”

“What?” Finn sipped his beer.

“That look between you and Astrid.”

“I didn’t notice anything. Hey, dude, your dad just walked in.”

At first James thought his buddy was just trying to change the subject, but then he saw his father and wasn’t sure how to feel.

Duncan walked directly to them, shook Finn’s hand, and pulled James into a hug. “Happy birthday, son.” He slapped his back twice and stepped away. “I’m very proud of the man you’ve become.”

His breath caught in his throat. “Thank you.” Those weren’t words he heard often from his dad, but James figured it was guilt talking.

“Your mother…” Duncan rubbed a hand across his face. “She’d be bursting with pride for you, but not for me.”

Finn held up his empty longneck bottle. “I’m going for another beer. I’ll bring y’all one.”

“You mean because of what happened with the land?” James asked.

“That and a whole lot more.” Duncan cleared his throat and met his son’s eyes. “I have a lot to make up for, and I’d like to talk soon, but right now isn’t the time.”

Warmth filled his chest. “I’d like that, too.” Until this moment he hadn’t realized how much he’d wanted to hear these words. Needed it. His father had taken the first step in repairing their relationship, but it left his emotions raw and exposed.

Throughout the afternoon, he couldn’t stop watching the way Reese interacted so naturally with his family and friends. It was also impossible to miss the hints hurled his way at every turn. “When are you going to settle down, James?” “When are you going to fill that big ranch of yours with lots of children?” “You and that pretty blonde will make some beautiful babies.”

The final thing that sent him into a panic was when his cousin, Meg, put her newborn baby into Reese’s arms. It was as if a light of pure joy had been turned on behind her blue eyes.

“Aren’t you the most magical thing in the world,” Reese cooed to the tiny bundle in her arms.

A claw grabbed hold of his heart and tugged. The night before, he’d had a dream about her with a baby sleeping on her chest, and now, he needed a moment to himself. James slipped out the back door and walked around toward the front of the house but paused when he heard Grams and Astrid talking on the porch.

“I’m sorry we ever fell out of touch with Reese,” Astrid said. “James seems different around her. More settled.”

His heart leapt into his throat.

“He is,” Grams said. “And she is such a good fit into our family.”

He backed away before they knew he was there and leaned against the side of the house. More settled? At the moment, he was anything other than settled. He squeezed his eyes closed. Things were stacking up and freaking him out. His grandparents’ praises and endorsement of Reese. Watching her eyes light up when she held the baby. Everyone talking about him settling down and starting a family.

And the way he loved her. That was the thing that put him in the most danger.

Where do I go from here?

…

James smiled when Reese spurred her horse like a pro and followed him over the rise to the family cemetery. A sprawling view amid giant oak trees stretched to the rolling hills of their ranch and beyond. Early evening was his favorite time to visit, when the air and light held a hint of mystery and magic. He knew she’d love this part of the ranch, but he’d held off bringing her. It came with things he hadn’t been ready to talk about, until now.

They dismounted, and he led her to a polished marble marker. The words were hard to speak and prickled like stinging nettles in his throat. “My mother.”

With her arms tight around his waist, she rested her cheek over his heart. A position that soothed him every time. This amazing woman could speak to him without words, and he felt her support seep in to shore up the cracks. Should I tell her I love her? He couldn’t make himself say the words.

Reese tipped her face up to his. “There’s another name carved at the bottom. Tobias MacLachlan.”

“My baby brother.”

She swallowed hard several times, fingers flexing and digging into his arm. “She died in childbirth?” Her voice came out weak and trembling.

“Yes. After, my dad came here every day for years. It broke him. Even as a kid, I knew he needed to cry but didn’t want to in front of us. A few times I followed him out here and hid behind a tree. I wanted to comfort him but didn’t know how. One time he lay down across their grave and fell asleep.”

Reese wiped her eyes and gave him her full attention.

A deep breath shuddered from his lungs. The pain still simmered, ready to pop out at a moment’s notice. “I snuck up and sprinkled wildflowers around him. That night, he came to tuck me in, hugged me extra tight, and told me he loved me. Said my mom would be very proud of me. I remember it so well, because as grief continued to consume him, the positive words grew few and far between. Thank God my grandparents lived with us. Astrid was only five.”

“I’ve no doubt your mom looks down and is proud of the man you’ve become. You said your dad is hard on you, but I think it’s a pretty safe bet he’s proud, too. I saw the way he looked at you at your birthday party. He probably doesn’t know how to tell you or show you, just like you didn’t know how to comfort him.”

“You’re a special woman, my sweet Reese.” He tucked her head under his chin and held her tight.

“You will be such a wonderful father.”

Her words sent a sharp stab of fear curling through his gut. He stiffened and pulled back, still gripping her shoulders. “Reese, I’m never having kids.”

Her eyes grew as large as lily pads, and though her mouth worked, no words came out. She rubbed her face, then met his eyes again. “But…why?”

The sheer disappointment on her face knocked him back a step, and he dropped his arms from her shoulders. He pointed to the stone. “You have to ask?” His heart seized at the thought of losing her like he’d lost his mother.

…

Reese’s body went numb, then a curious pain throbbed in her chest. And her womb.

James doesn’t want children?

Deep in her mind, in some secret fantasy, she’d planned to have his babies. She wiped her stinging eyes and swallowed against the giant knot in her throat.

He turned away from her, but she could feel his anguish. It showed in the set of his body as he stared at the marble stone, marking not only the loss of his mother and baby brother, but of a future family for himself. A reminder of what could happen.

“I can’t go through what my father suffered.” His voice was low and deep, like it had been steeped in whiskey.

Reese didn’t know what to say, so she stayed silent. Her brain kept repeating that he didn’t want to have children.

He spun around. “Don’t you get it?”

“I get it. I do. It just…”

“What?”

She clasped her hands to her chest. “It breaks my heart.”

Tossing his hands into the air, he looked skyward. “Having a dead wife and mother is what breaks hearts. Why are you so upset by this?”

This time, she turned away. Better to hide the pain she knew showed on her face.

He stepped up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist. “Reese, you’re going to travel. Have wild adventures. I thought that meant you don’t plan to have children.”

She turned in his embrace. “Being an only child, I want a big family of my own.”

“But you’ve talked about rugged conditions in foreign countries. How can you have the kind of active and adventurous career you’ve described to me and be pregnant or care for a baby?”

She shrugged and scuffed the grass under her boots. The answer to that question did not have an easy response.

The horses trotted over and Tavish put his nose against James’s cheek. He scratched the animal behind the ear. “We haven’t talked about kids. I just assumed. But you know what they say about the word assume.”

“Yeah. It makes an ass out of you and me. Your assumption is the same as me thinking that because you like kids, you want some of your own.”

He adjusted his hat. “It’s getting dark. Let’s head back.”

Without another word about who wanted children, they mounted up and rode for home. The evening sky’s vivid colors faded to dark shades reminiscent of her mood. Numbness set into her mind and body as they rode. She felt heavy with sadness for something they’d never have. A chance lost.

When they stopped outside the barn, he took Lady J’s reins from her. “I’ll unsaddle the horses. You go on in.”

“See you inside?”

“Yeah. In a bit.” James turned and walked the horses into the barn.

And didn’t look back.

Tightness banded her chest as she watched him go. She stood perfectly still and let the night close in around her. It meant something that he’d taken her to the family cemetery and shared painful memories. But apparently, it was not to let her know he wanted to have a family with her. He’d been as surprised about her wanting children as she was about him not wanting them. And tomorrow she had her appointment with the gynecologist. What news would she get?

Stormy ran over and climbed her leg. “Hey there, pretty girl. You’re growing so fast.” She pried the tiny claws from her jeans and snuggled the kitten, then took her into the master bathroom, needing the company.

The kitten attacked a towel while she ran a bath in the clawfoot tub, added bubble bath, and slipped into the steaming water. Warmth and the scent of vanilla surrounded her and began to ease her tight muscles but couldn’t stop the tears that trickled down her cheeks.

The revelation at the cemetery was a wake-up call, but the new information explained a lot about James. At such a young age he’d witnessed his father’s heartbreak and must’ve taken it as a warning. She’d already admitted this was no longer the casual, no-strings fling it was supposed to be but hadn’t grasped the true depths of her expectations and hopes.

Wow. Look how far off my plan I’ve drifted into la-la-land. Time to realign my path.

Stormy leapt onto a stool by the tub and almost fell into the water.

She grabbed the ball of fluff just in time and returned her to the floor.

The kitten cocked her head and stared with curious blue eyes.

“Well, little one, I’ll be leaving soon. National Geographic promised to let all the applicants know their decision within the next few days. If it’s a no, I’ll have to step up my search for employment.”

Stormy meowed and scurried under the clawfoot tub.

“I know. At the moment, I want to hide from all of it myself.”

…

James dropped the curry comb in the hay and lay his head against Tavish’s neck. The ugly feeling in the pit of his stomach was growing into a black hole. “I thought she didn’t plan to have kids. I thought she was safe. If she got pregnant and I lost her…” He shivered as a rush of bile rose up his throat. He was always careful about birth control, and even though he’d been relieved to see the pills in her purse, he still doubled the protection.

Tavish bobbed his head and pushed against him.

“I know. You think I should go talk to her.”

He stepped into the master bath and caught his breath at the sight of Reese in the tub, covered in bubbles and so enchanting. Her long hair hung over the back and her head was tipped, exposing the long pale column of her neck. She opened her eyes and smiled the saddest, sweetest smile he’d ever seen. He wanted to pull her from the water and say… What?

James dropped to his knees beside the tub and propped his arms on the edge. “Sorry I freaked out on you at the cemetery.”

Water swirled as she reached up to put her hand on his. “We can’t help how we feel or what we want in life.”

He brought her wet hand to his lips, the softness of her skin making him ache for her. “You’re an understanding woman.” The marble floor hurt his knees, so he shifted and sat beside the tub, leaning back on his hands. “How long until—” He jerked and rolled when something jabbed his finger. “What the hell?”

She sat up with a start, sloshing water onto the floor. “What happened?”

“Something bit me.” He studied his finger.

She reclined back and laughed.

He peered under the tub just as Stormy dashed out, did a funny high-stepping walk when she hit the puddle of water, hissed, and ran from the room. “Did you know she was under there?”

“I did, but I forgot to warn you. That little break-dancing routine you did was worth it.” Her smile trembled around the edges. “Can you hand me that towel, please?”

Instead of handing it over, he held it open. She stepped out of the water, and he enveloped her in the giant towel, pulling her close. “I’m sorry…” His voice broke. “Sorry I can’t give you everything you want.” He buried his face against her neck. For long minutes, they silently held one another.

Heartache to heartache. Giving and seeking comfort.

He kissed her once and eased back. “I saw what it did to my father.” His eyes shifted to the floor. “I’d begged my mother for a baby brother.”

She caressed his cheek with damp fingers. “You don’t blame yourself, do you?”

He shrugged, drawing her palm against his lips. He’d blamed himself for a long time, but maybe it was time to stop.

“Life can be a fragile thing,” Reese said. “My mom couldn’t have any more babies after me. I caught her crying about it several times. You and me… We’re bound to have a few differing opinions on what we want…and don’t want.”

He linked their fingers. “Do you think we can enjoy the time we have left before you go off to set the world on fire with your talent? No pressure. No expectations.”

“That was the plan all along. Not sure how we got so off track. Let’s take things day by day.”

“Agreed. Day by day.” He brushed her wet hair aside and kissed her shoulder. “I’m going to get a shower, then we can watch a movie.”

“You can use my bath water.”

“Then I’d smell like a girl.”

“You don’t like my bubble bath?”

“I love it. On you.” His breath froze. The words were way too close to saying I love you.