The Barassi Variations

The Argument: I’ve met Australian Football’s most famous personality a few times and on one occasion he told of a brief sequence of words he had recently heard which, if it were repeated as many times as there were words, with each word emphasised in turn, its meaning would be considerably altered. Thus ‘I never said he took the money.’

Theme

To versify my survey on

such alchemy as words contain,

I’ve thought it through and offer, Ron,

these variants to your refrain

(let’s hope witty, maybe punny):

I never said he took the money.

Indignity

I’m the wrong guy. Who me blab?

Have Golden Rules gone all to seed?

Dealer, ponce, pimp, stoolie, scab:

let’s vomit ‘cause I loathe the breed.

Don’t take us for that kind of bunny!

I never said he took the money.

True Blue

This man’s Aussie and my mate.

You think friendship’s passé, quaint?

Allow me to reiterate:

what’s my line? Well dobbing ain’t!

See here fuckhead, what’s so funny?

I never said he took the money.

Calligrapher

Find the average talkback grating?

Got a voice and fancy choral?

Though when one’s communicating

who’s to say it should be aural?

Scrawled on parchment/ in the dunny

I never said he took the money.

Heavyweight

Well inside our suspect zone,

But out of order, sync and bounds,

we’re looking at a Tyson clone

who could last the fifteen rounds

with Ali, Louis, Dempsey, Tunney.

I never said he took the money.

Vocalist

Young man hits the karaoke.

On me! My shout! Freebee! Gratis!

Talent scouts cheer. Almost broke he

nearly turns recording artist,

gets cold feet, walks out on Sony.

I never said he took the money!

Schoolmasters

Meanwhile with over-focused eye

pedagogues like swarms of gnats

amplify and specify

theses, thoses, this ‘n’ thats;

turning grammar, syntax runny:

I never said he took the money!

Lothario

The chauvinist rolled out his line:

‘All babes love it, I won’t hurt you.

Your place equally as mine

to dispose that shrinking virtue?’

Advantage seized? Well maybe honey,

I never said he took the money.

Girl Talk

It’s a staple through the ages,

gold-digger teams with sugar pa.

Till in receipt of final wages:

‘With men I’m through so ciao ‘n’ taa.’

Goodtime gal turned out quite nunney.

(Although of course she took the money.)

Alan Wearne