‘Happy birthday to my bestest best friend, and singer extraordinaire Sarah!’ announced Lottie, raising a glass of prosecco in the air. Lottie was already three sheets to the wind and followed with another announcement declaring that chip-shop chips with loads of salt and vinegar were the only chips worth paying for, and that restaurants could keep their pathetic thin cut French fries. Sid laughed, shushing her gently and helping her back into her seat after she nearly missed it. Sarah smiled self-consciously and raised her glass too. Last year she’d celebrated her birthday with a family-size bar of chocolate and a bottle of prosecco all to herself, alone in her house. The Greenley Players had only just formed and hadn’t really bonded yet, plus with more disasters than successes, and a few tensions, she still felt lonely and not quite part of the group. This year couldn’t be more different and she was ecstatically happy to be surrounded by friends. She hadn’t invited Finn. It felt too early in their relationship for that and as the players had been through so much together, she wasn’t ready to introduce anyone else into that world. Gregory had said Nate was coming and bubbles fizzed in her tummy that she tried to disregard as a side-effect of the prosecco.
The Greenley Players had taken over a corner of The Lazy Tankard, their favourite pub, the one they all went to whenever they got the chance. It wasn’t the nicest pub in Greenley but it was the cheapest and the most old-fashioned. It didn’t have airconditioning, and though all the doors and windows were open, hardly any breeze blew. The carpet had a dark-red swirly pattern and each table had a pile of beer mats. The walls were adorned with dried hops and old-fashioned metal signs. There was no chance of ordering a cocktail from the landlord, he’d simply look at you like you’d just spoken in Klingon and pour a pint. He’d only just started getting prosecco in after Lottie, with the aid of Gregory and Cecil, had nagged him continuously for the last six months.
Sarah lifted her glass to her lips and took a refreshing sip. Apart from one drizzly day last week the weather had grown hotter and hotter, reaching temperatures that amazed everyone. So much so, that the first ten minutes of rehearsals had been spent declaring how no one could believe how hot it was. Nate had come too dressed in his pink hoodie, and Sarah had done her best to never be alone with him, pretending nothing had happened. Ironically, it had been some of the best acting of her life.
All the Greenley Players were there this evening except for Gregory and Cecil who were yet to arrive. Mrs Andrews was doing what she normally did when they came here and was looking around with disdain as if drinking something from a place like this might give her cholera. Debbie was showing Sean and Leonard, the two stagehands, how to manipulate an imaginary paint brush, and Conner was head down, texting on his phone.
‘Happy birthday,’ shouted Cecil as he and Gregory approached through the usual Saturday night throng. ‘Sorry we’re late, darling.’ He planted a kiss on Sarah’s cheek, as did Gregory. ‘Mr Bennett brought a mouse in, so we had to save it.’
‘I had to save it,’ said Nate, teasingly, following behind. ‘These two spent most of the time standing on chairs, waving tea towels at me.’
Sarah’s breath caught in her throat. He was still here. Her heart suddenly puffed up filling her chest and she took a breath. She was ridiculously happy to see him. Happier than she should be, but she put it down to surprise and pulled her eyes away. He was looking even more handsome tonight. Not especially different, but the tension had eased from his face and the crow’s feet around his eyes were from smiling rather than worry. The deep lines that formed either side of his mouth were due to laughing. It was strange how in these few short weeks he had settled into the life of the players and become part of the group, and the time they spent together always passed so quickly.
‘Happy birthday,’ Nate said, and leaned forwards to give her a kiss on the cheek. The feel of his lips on her skin stiffened every muscle in her body, even down to the soles of her feet. He moved away and began telling them about the mouse incident leaving Sarah stuck to the spot. A moment later, gathering herself, she retook her seat.
As he finished regaling them with a full re-enactment, Cecil said, ‘Right, that’s enough, you. I’ll get the drinks in, Nate, you sit down.’ He squeezed in between Lottie and Sarah and her leg pressed against his in the small space. It sent a tingle up her thigh and she suddenly felt very self-conscious but there was nowhere to move to, everyone was so tightly packed in.
‘How was your thing Thursday night?’ Nate asked, bending closer so he could be heard above the noise. Unable to risk seeing him again, Sarah had called off the coaching session and arranged a third amazing date with Finn. But afterwards the same battle had waged, her mind comparing Finn to Nate, and self-loathing soaked her again. Here she was feeling exactly the same way about Nate as she did Finn, and she hated herself for it. She knew it was just a silly fan-girl crush, nothing more. It wasn’t often you got to meet your favourite TV hunk, and it had gone to her head, that was all. Her relationship with Finn was wonderful and blossoming, not to mention real, this thing with Nate was just make-believe but the situation still made her feel rotten. ‘It was fine,’ she replied at last.
Nate scratched his cheek. ‘I’m, umm, heading back to London tomorrow.’ Sarah looked up, searching his eyes, trying to see how felt about it. ‘Robin, my agent, said it’s all clear to come home. The press seem to have lost interest. Well, as much as they’re ever going to.’
‘Right.’ Sarah dipped her eyes and did her best to focus on the bubbles popping in her drink rather than think about what Nate had just said. A tug inside told her she wasn’t ready to part with him yet. She’d only just begun to get to know him – the real him – under all the mess that had brought him down here in the first place. As much as she hated to admit it, she’d liked what she found.
‘I’ve really enjoyed being here. And working with you,’ Nate added after a slight pause.
‘Yes, me too. I hope things work out for you.’ Nate’s eyes didn’t leave hers, and there it was again, that fluttering in her heart and a deep yearning in her soul.
Cecil delivered a round of drinks. ‘And one for the birthday girl,’ he said handing it over. Sarah took it and thanked him. An easy conversation started into which they all fell. Nate was laughing and joking with everyone as they finally had the opportunity to quiz him about all the places he’d been and the people he’d worked with, but he was careful to ask questions about everyone he was talking to so the conversation wasn’t just about him. It was endearing and sweet.
‘What was it like,’ asked Debbie, ‘when you had to do that scene where you jumped off that balcony window? I heard you did your own stunts. Is that true?’
Once your ear had got used to Debbie’s Scottish accent her voice carried a wonderful, musical lilt. ‘Ah, I didn’t actually do that one,’ said Nate, looking uncomfortable. ‘They asked me to, and I was all set up to do it, but the first time I looked down at how high the drop was, my legs went a bit wobbly and I chickened out.’ Everyone laughed and Nate turned to Conner. ‘I heard you were interested in directing as a career, Conner?’
Poor Conner coloured up under his long black fringe and wiggled his lip bar with his hand. ‘Yeah, I was thinking about it.’
‘I thought I could speak to some contacts of mine, see if they have any internships coming up. If you wanted, that is?’
Conner’s eyes widened in surprise and a broad grin spread across his pale face. ‘That would be amazing, yeah – great. Thanks.’
‘No worries.’ Nate pulled out his phone. ‘Can you give me your email and I’ll let you know how I get on.’
‘Sure. Yeah.’ Conner fumbled in his lap, his excited fingers missing the phone.
Sarah made her way over to Lottie who was laughing with Sid. ‘Hey, you,’ Sarah said, sitting on a low stool in front of her. ‘Are you okay? You look a bit squiffy.’
‘I am,’ she giggled. ‘I’m completely squiffy. Sid took me out for lunch earlier and we got a bit carried away. Did I tell you he’s moving in?’
‘Yes, you did,’ said Sarah, smiling.
‘I love Sid,’ Lottie declared with a very serious expression.
‘I know, sweetie. He’s one in a million.’
‘He’s my one in a million.’ Lottie pressed her hand to her heart almost spilling her drink in the process.
Sarah giggled. ‘Shall I get you a glass of water?’ She was met with a scowl at such a preposterous idea.
‘It’s your birthday. We can’t drink water on your birthday. Nate will buy me a drink, won’t you, Nate?’ They both turned to see Nate watching them, a playful gleam in his eye and a smile pulling at his lips.
He nodded. ‘I will. But only after you’ve had that glass of water from Sarah.’
‘Shpoil-shport,’ Lottie said and Sarah squeezed her shoulder before heading off to the bar to try and save Lottie from the worst hangover in history.
Just then the DJ for the night arrived, and a big flashing sign that said ‘Karaoke’ was switched on above the makeshift dance area. ‘Oh, yay!’ said Gregory, clapping his hands – he’d clearly had too many gins. ‘It’s karaoke time!’
Sarah returned with a pint of water for Lottie, and Gregory grabbed her arm, making her slosh it over her fingers.
‘No, no,’ said, Sarah, knowing full well everyone would want her to get up and sing first, which was sweet of them, but she really wasn’t in the mood to have everyone – not to mention Nate Hardy – staring at her. The awful stage fright she always felt was beginning to mount.
‘I insist,’ Gregory replied, taking her wrist as soon as she’d put the water down and yanking her towards the DJ. ‘DJ, the book, if you please?’ He gave a slight bow. As the DJ was quite used to Gregory after he’d consumed a couple more than he should have, he simply grinned and handed it over.
‘Karaoke! Karaoke!’ chanted the group. Poor Nate looked terrified. This would be an experience for him, Sarah mused. Debbie McCray belting out Bonnie Tyler was a sight to behold.
‘As long as you don’t expect me to sing,’ he added. ‘I’ve got a voice like an out-of-tune fog horn.’
‘Och, come on, Sarah,’ said Debbie. ‘You have to start us off. It’s tradition.’ It wasn’t tradition. It wasn’t tradition at all. That was an out-and-out lie. They just didn’t want to be the first ones to sing. It was her own fault though. She’d been drunk and volunteered herself that one time, and now she was in for it. With Gregory offering suggestions as to what she should sing, it was clear she wasn’t going to get out of it, so she chose a classic ABBA song and filled in the little slip. The DJ nodded approval as she handed it over, having heard her sing a couple of times before, and gave her the microphone.
Sarah always found it easier to stare at the TV screen showing the lyrics, even though she already knew them, rather than looking around at the people watching her. As the music started she swayed from side to side and was soon singing along. It was a surprise anyone could hear her from the shouting and whooping coming from the Greenley Players, but having them there made her smile, and before long she was actually enjoying herself. She finished to loud cheers before a very drunk Sid took to the stage singing ‘I’m Too Sexy’ in full comedic fashion, marching up and down the pub, and trying to pole dance with an oak beam. Thankfully he stopped short of taking his shirt off. Sarah and Nate watched on from their squeezed-in position in the corner, with him whistling and cheering along. When he leaned in and said, ‘You really have an amazing voice,’ his lips almost brushed her ear, sending a shiver down her spine.
‘Thanks,’ she replied, taking a nervous sip of her drink. ‘I only got the courage to start singing in front of people last year, thanks to the players.’
‘They’re a really nice bunch.’
‘They are.’
‘They remind me of the am dram group I started with,’ he replied, looking around with a fond expression.
‘Really? I didn’t know you’d been in a group.’
‘I loved it. They were absolutely brilliant. Some were better actors than others, but we always had loads of fun and I learned so much.’ A loud whoop caught their attention as Gregory and Cecil got up to sing the big end song from Dirty Dancing. ‘Your friends are crazy by the way.’
Sarah nodded in resignation. ‘They really are, but I love them anyway. Especially Gregory and Cecil. They’re the heart of the group.’
‘I can see.’
‘And Lottie, of course. We wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for her.’
No one else stepped up for karaoke and people headed back to their seats. As the crowd broke apart Sarah saw Ben standing at the bar, looking nervously over. Pinned by panic, her stomach dropped and she sat still for a moment, unsure whether to approach him or wait for him to come over to her. Ben gave a tentative smile but stayed where he was. Strawley was twenty minutes away by car, longer on the bus; why was he here? It couldn’t be a coincidence.
‘That’s your dad, isn’t it?’ Nate asked gently.
‘Yes, it is.’ Her mouth had gone dry and she felt her throat sticking together.
‘Do you want me to ask him to leave?’ Sarah glanced at him, unsure how she felt about the suggestion. It was a kind gesture and she appreciated his concern, but seeing her dad’s face she felt she needed to speak to him herself.
After a large gulp of prosecco, Sarah went over. ‘Dad? What are you doing here?’ He was wearing the clothes she had laundered the other day rather than some of the other stuff she’d found in the loft. Perhaps he found it comforting to be in those clothes, and he couldn’t really wear a suit to the pub. Keeping his eyes averted under his twisted frames, he scratched the back of his head.
‘It’s your birthday. I wanted to see you. I got you a card. Happy birthday, sugarplum.’ He handed over a plain white envelope. ‘I popped round earlier but you weren’t in.’ Surprisingly, she’d spent so many birthdays on her own it hadn’t occurred to her that her dad might want to see her.
‘Dad.’ That was at least twice now she’d called him dad and it hadn’t hurt, but he was pushing things between them, trying too hard and making it all move too fast. She could feel herself pulling back and rebuilding her defences. They were going up brick by brick, any holes made from their previous encounters being patched over and strengthened.
‘I thought maybe we could have a drink together. I’ve been doing some window washing with a friend and I’ve got some money. Not much, but it’s a start. And I’ve found a decent houseshare to move to as well.’ The lost puppy look in his eyes pierced but she just wasn’t ready to sit down in a public place with him and have a heart-to-heart. Suddenly Ben’s eyes dropped to his pint as someone Sarah didn’t know approached.
‘Ben? Ben Powell? I haven’t seen you in years, mate. How’ve you been?’ The guy was tall and dressed casually in jeans and a bright white shirt. ‘It’s Dennis, I used to live down the street from you and your Mrs.’ He held out his hand for Ben to shake and he reluctantly took it.
‘Nice to see you again,’ Ben replied.
‘I was sorry to see your old lady go. Tragic.’ Sarah’s eyes shot to her dad’s face. His eyes had dipped in shame, but the idiot man kept talking. ‘I heard you was working away just before she went. That’s tough. Can I buy you a drink?’
‘Umm, no, thank you. I’m good.’ Ben showed his still half-full glass. ‘I’m just having a drink with my daughter. Do you remember Sarah?’
‘Yeah course.’ He turned to Sarah and gave her a smile that made her skin crawl. ‘I heard you singing earlier. Lovely. Lovely.’
‘Thanks,’ she replied curtly, wishing he’d leave.
‘So are you re-married now or something?’ he said to Ben.
‘No. No I’m not.’ The idea of it turned Sarah’s stomach and surprisingly, Ben’s bright blue eyes had hardened on Dennis.
‘What you up to then? You still an accountant?’ Dennis swigged his pint with his mouth wide open and Sarah could see the fillings in his top teeth. He eyed Ben’s worn clothes.
‘I’m umm …’ Ben faltered and Sarah wondered what he’d say. Would he admit he was reduced to window washing with a friend? Like a shaft of light piercing the darkness of her feelings Sarah felt her dad’s shame and wanted to stand up for him.
Under Dennis’ smug gaze, Sarah heard herself say, ‘Dad’s still working away at the moment, aren’t you, Dad?’
‘Umm … yeah.’
‘Oh, great,’ Dennis replied and Sarah swore the dirty old perv brushed her back on purpose. She had to give Ben credit for what he was doing now. He hadn’t been out long, he’d never work as an accountant again, but he was still trying to earn money. Before Dennis could ask anything else, Sarah said, ‘Shall we sit down, Dad?’ It was going to be hard for her dad to get his life back on track, especially with people he used to know asking what he was up to and judging him.
They found a table in the corner, Gregory and Mrs Andrews craning their necks as they went by. When they were alone, Sarah, still holding her card, said, ‘Dad, you can’t keep just turning up like this.’
‘But you’re my daughter. I just want to see you.’
‘How did you know where I’d be anyway?’
He faltered and pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. ‘Your bookmark was the invitation. When I knocked your copy of The Tempest over, I saw it. I hoped I’d get to see you this morning, but you weren’t there.’ She’d been at Finn’s till the early afternoon.
Sarah felt a sudden surge of anger. He’d been snooping and it felt like a complete invasion of her privacy. ‘I can’t believe you’d go nosing around my stuff.’
Ben looked surprised. ‘I wasn’t nosing. I just saw it on the floor, that’s all. Then when I popped round today and didn’t see you, I thought—’
‘You thought you could just come here and pull me away from my friends, from my party, to make things up to me?’ Again a hot anger raged inside her. He couldn’t just keep showing up in her life when he wanted to. After all she’d been through, she deserved for things to be on her terms and when she was ready. She’d been hurt so much he had to respect that, but clearly he was still only thinking of himself. ‘There is no making things up to me, Dad. What’s done is done, you can’t undo it all and stop Mum from dying, or magic it so you didn’t disappear and leave us to deal with everything on our own, or the—’ She still couldn’t bring herself to mention the affair to him as bile rose in her throat. She didn’t want to hear his excuses or relive that pain. ‘If you want to see me, call me and ask. Actually, don’t bother calling me at all. If I want to see you, I’ll call you.’ She stood up, leaving the card on the table, and marched outside into the fresh air, letting the door bang behind her.
The sea air filled her lungs as she stomped down to the beach, hiding under the tall legs of the pier. The tide was out and Sarah backed onto the sea-worn pillar, gazing out over the calm water, the tide gently retreating leaving a wiggly line of froth on the pebbles. Behind her back, her hands traced the rough surface of barnacle shells. It was dark now and eerily quiet when the sound of shingle scrunched underfoot reached her. She turned to see Nate striding down the beach. A bright full moon lit his way. The breeze had picked up, gently lifting his hair, his brow furrowed in concern. He didn’t approach straight away but once he had spied her, he paused at the water’s edge, picked up a stone and skimmed it over the sea. It bounced a couple of times before plopping into the depths. Taking a few steps towards her, his deep voice echoed in the night as he asked, ‘Are you okay?’
Sarah wanted to answer that she was fine, but it would have been a lie and she didn’t want to lie to Nate. The rush of anger was fading, leaving guilt and regret in its wake. She’d pushed her dad away again. How much longer would he continue to make the effort if that was all he got in return? He shouldn’t have just turned up, but what else could he do when she refused to let him break down her walls? If he hadn’t bothered at all she’d have hated him even more. Realising she couldn’t open her mouth without crying, she shook her head and sucked in a big breath. Suddenly Nate was at her side and turning her body to face him.
‘It’ll be okay,’ he said gently. ‘Just give it time. You said it to me and it’s true. Just let things calm down.’
She lifted her head to see his angular features. He was studying her, memorising her face and she couldn’t have felt more exposed if she’d been standing there naked. He gently brushed her chin, cupping it lightly in his fingertips and Sarah’s heart beat with such a strange intensity she thought she might be dying. The moment didn’t seem real and at his touch it was like a part of her soul melted onto his skin. He tilted her head up, his lips found hers and she kissed him back.
A tremor that began in her lips crept through every nerve ending in her body, lifting her arms so they were around his neck. Her hand was in his hair and her soul was illuminated like a bright shining star. A flash of light drew their attention and they looked up to see someone running away. It was probably just a teenager being stupid, but the moment was over and they separated. Where her hand rested gently on his chest she could feel the quick beat of his heart.
‘Sorry,’ Nate mumbled. ‘I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry.’ Sarah wanted to say it was fine. More than fine. It had been the most amazing kiss she’d ever had, something more than just physical, but remembering Finn, shame-faced she cast her eyes down. Not only that, Nate was married. Even if that marriage was a sham, she should have left well alone.
Sarah’s voice quivered as she pushed the words out, her heart hurting that she already regretted it. ‘We’d better get back to the party.’
Nate’s eyes were imploring and the way his heart had beat beneath her hand told her he felt something too. Sarah turned away and led the way back up the beach, walking quickly back to the party while Nate followed behind. Neither of them spoke. Though neither she nor Finn had officially called the other girlfriend or boyfriend, this wasn’t school. You didn’t send a note with a tick box. You had to wait for things to develop on their own and they were developing. But she’d just cheated on him. And now she was risking everything, making a mess of her life.
Gregory and Cecil were outside the pub waiting for them when they returned, sly smiles on their faces. But when Sarah glanced over her shoulder, she saw that Nate hadn’t followed her back inside. He faintly asked Gregory and Cecil for the keys and strode away, back to their cottage. And with his return to London, out of her life forever.