Chapter 19

Mandy was in first on Monday morning and Sarah gave a half-hearted wave through the glass of the surgery’s automatic doors before unlocking them and heading inside. Not only was today the first night they’d be unleashing The Tempest on Greenley, but it was also the first time she’d be seeing Finn since their, for want of a better word, break-up. She had the worst stage fright anyway, beginning as soon as she woke up, building during the day and now there was all this on top. Nausea rose in her stomach. Yesterday afternoon she’d gone home and let herself have a good cry. She’d cried at her own stupidity, cried that she was pushing her dad further and further away by not allowing herself to forgive him, cried that a part of her was missing Nate, cried that she’d been so completely blind to the real Finn. And now, all this anxiety was affecting her appetite. This morning she hadn’t been able to eat anything, worried about how embarrassing it was going to be to see him in the office.

The surgery was already getting stuffy and Sarah fiddled with the air-con controls. She was feeling sick enough without that adding to it. If she had to sit in hot air all day she really would throw up. Then knowing her luck, the rumour mill would start that Nate had got her pregnant.

From the way Mandy was jostling in her seat it was clear she wanted to ask her about what had happened. The cold fingers of embarrassment inched up Sarah’s spine. Her loony plan to contact the papers had seemed such a good idea at the time but she hadn’t thought about the consequences afterwards. The mortifying shame as she walked down the street and people stared. The questions she’d have to endure from friends and patients alike. On the plus side, if some of the patients thought she was a bit mental they might not shout at her so much. Gregory was doing a good job as a stand-in agent, stopping the press from visiting by pretending she’d left town. If only she actually could. Sarah hung her cardigan over the back of her chair, placed her handbag on the floor then took a seat next to Mandy. For about three seconds Mandy was able to keep the smile from her lips before she spun around and exploded with glee. ‘Oh. My. God. You kissed Nate Hardy? I thought you and Finn were … you know. Was it good?’

Unsure if Finn had arrived yet, Sarah looked around quickly. ‘I did kiss Nate Hardy, but it was only once and I was a bit drunk.’ She hadn’t been, but it was what she’d told the papers. That, and that she was a deranged lunatic stalker with a life-size cut-out she dressed in different outfits and talked to at night.

‘And have you really been obsessed with him for the last five years?’

‘No.’ She sighed. ‘It’s complicated.’ Everything was complicated. Her relationship with her dad, her relationship with Nate. ‘Complicated’ didn’t even begin to cover her life right now. ‘Messy and a complete disaster’ were better descriptions. Her friends would be better off retiring to a safe distance or keeping away entirely.

‘And what about Finn?’ asked Mandy, leaning in.

Sarah had wondered how she was going to deal with this question. Mandy had a lot of great qualities, but Sarah knew she couldn’t trust her to keep quiet. Patient confidentiality was one thing, but when it came to her friends, Mandy had a fierce loyalty and wouldn’t be afraid to let Finn know what she thought of him. Sarah had decided discretion was the way forward. Working with him was going to be hard enough without Mandy making it harder. ‘We’ve decided we want different things so we’re calling it quits.’

‘Oh right.’ She looked surprised, but Sarah didn’t explain any further.

‘Look, I don’t mean to be rude, Mandy, but can we not talk about this right now, please? I’m not feeling great at the moment.’

Mandy nodded and switched on her computer. ‘All right, chuck. But at some point you have to tell me everything.’

‘I will. I promise. What’s this anyway?’ Sarah tapped the cool box she’d discovered hidden under their desk.

‘I’ve had this great idea,’ Mandy replied, popping the lid. There was no food inside, just lots and lots of the cool packs you’d find in the freezer. She picked one out and wrapped it in a tea towel that had been resting on the arm of her chair and handed it to Sarah.

‘What am I supposed to do with this?’

Mandy smiled and stood up. She’d been sitting on one! ‘It keeps me lovely and cool.’

‘I bet it does,’ Sarah replied with a giggle. She was tempted to try it but decided to rest it on her lap instead. ‘Genius,’ she said to Mandy’s gratified smile.

Finn arrived shortly afterwards, and the day began as it always had, like nothing had happened between them. He cheerfully waved and his normal, ‘Morning ladies,’ and cheeky smile made Sarah grip her pencil in anger. Then he disappeared into his office, only emerging to call his first patient. All the flirtatious banter of the last month was gone and as much as Sarah hated him now, the place felt empty without it.

For Sarah, the morning was more like an endurance trial and it was clear from the whispered chatter and sly glances that came her way that everyone knew what she’d done. The patients who hadn’t read the papers were told all about it by those who had. Some even made snide comments, sometimes to her face, sometimes behind their hands, but Sarah did her best to ignore them.

Mid-morning, when it was Sarah’s turn to make a round of tea, she hesitated by Finn’s door. If she left him out everyone would know that something was up and she didn’t want to seem spiteful. Hesitantly, she knocked.

‘Come in.’ His voice was bright and cheery. ‘Oh, Sarah. Hi. How’s your morning going?’

Instead of saying it was agony and she’d quite happily hole-punch him and some of their patients to death, she kept her voice casual. ‘I wondered if you wanted tea?’

‘Oh. Yes, please.’

‘Okay.’ She grabbed his cup and walked back to the door.

‘Sarah, wait.’ The pleading tone caught her off guard. ‘Can you wait for a minute please?’ A week ago, being in the same room as him would have resulted in kisses and … she blushed as her imagination re-lived some of those moments. Or perhaps she was getting a bit pre-menopausal, now might be a good time to discuss some HRT. ‘Listen, I’m truly sorry we seem to have crossed wires—’

‘Crossed wires? What are you talking about?’ It wasn’t crossed bloody wires. ‘Crossed wires my behind!’ she said a little more loudly than intended. She could feel herself getting cross. He was doing that face doctors pulled when they were being sympathetic but didn’t actually give a flying fuck. ‘You led me on, Finn. And you know you did. You let me think we were having a monogamous relationship that had a future when in fact you were shagging around behind my back—’

‘Sarah, I really don’t think I did.’ He ran a hand through his hair. It seemed to be his signature move. ‘But if you think I did, I’m sorry.’

‘Sorry doesn’t quite cut it.’ She spun on her heel.

‘This really doesn’t have to be the end, Sarah. We could carry on having a good time. You had fun with me, didn’t you?’

Fun. Fun! Fun was all it had been, she thought with a pang of sadness. Resisting the urge to throw his empty tea cup at him, she carried on towards the door. ‘Next time I want your type of fun, Finn, I’ll ask Sid to tell me about his ingrown toenail.’

By lunchtime, after more snide comments from patients, Sarah was ready to leave her desk and get some fresh air. ‘Do you mind if I have lunch outside, Mandy? If I don’t, I might end up murdering someone.’

‘No, you go ahead, honey. You’ve had a hell of a morning. Tomorrow will be better though, once they’ve got it out of their systems. Besides, it could be worse.’

‘Oh yeah? How’s that?’

‘You could have Mr Grainger’s rash or Mrs Bolton’s … you know …’ Mandy grimaced and pointed at her crotch. Sarah didn’t know and didn’t want to either, but she giggled and gave Mandy’s shoulder a squeeze as she went past, thankful for her support.

Out in the refreshing air, Sarah walked across the road to the seafront. She took a deep full breath, filling her lungs with the salty tang from the sea, and sat on one of the benches looking out at the harbour as the sun beat down on her face. Small fishing boats bobbed about on the high tide and she read their names, just as she had a hundred times before. With no appetite Sarah took her packed lunch from her bag and rested it on her lap. Unwrapping her sandwiches, she felt the bench shift with the weight of someone sitting down beside her. It was Ben. ‘Dad? What are you doing here?’

‘I saw the headlines,’ he said gravely.

‘Oh.’ She took a bite of her ham sandwich, but it tasted dry and stale in her mouth. When she swallowed, it stuck in her throat and she had to force it down.

‘I thought I’d better come and see you,’ Ben began. ‘Maybe give you some advice.’

‘Excuse me?’ Sarah spun to look at him and her stomach churned with rage. She could understand him coming to see if she was all right or to offer some support, but advice? He really was in no position to offer her guidance considering he’d turned his life into such a shit-show. Just because he’d been allowed out of prison and they’d had a cup of tea together, didn’t mean he could act like a parent. It was too late for that, or too soon, depending on how you looked at it. Ben mumbled at first, but as he spoke his features took on that stern father expression he used to have when telling her off as a child. ‘Look, I know you might not want to hear this, but it’s my duty as your father to tell you—’

‘Your duty to tell me what?’ Sarah pinned him with angry eyes and had to force the tension from her mouth.

Ben lifted his chin. ‘That you shouldn’t have done it. You shouldn’t have made yourself look an idiot just for some man.’

‘Umm … what now? Sarah’s brain overloaded with anger, short-circuiting, and it took a second to catch up with Ben’s lecture. ‘An idiot? An idiot? How bloody dare you.’ She stood up so quickly the lid to her lunch box flew off and onto the grass. It wasn’t just for some man, she wanted to shout. It was for lo— She stopped herself from thinking it just in time. She wasn’t getting caught up in a make-believe romance again. ‘It was to help a friend. To help someone get their life back together.’

‘But that wasn’t you,’ Ben said a little more gently. ‘I know you.’

‘No, you don’t. You have no idea who I am or what I’m like now. You have no idea about me or my life, or anything at all.’

‘Please, Sarah …’ He stayed sitting, his hands gently clasped in his lap, but Sarah wasn’t having any of it.

‘No. I won’t have you coming here and telling me how to live my life. You haven’t been here for the past six years, have you?’

Ben looked up at her and his bright blue eyes were dulled with sadness. ‘Sarah, I’m your dad.’

‘No, you’re not. You gave up that right when you not only got yourself sent to prison but you cheated on Mum with that woman from work.’ The look in his eyes was one of pure shock. Shock that she knew, no doubt. It was the first time she’d said it out loud to him, but unexpectedly, the world hadn’t ended. Indeed, among the anger there was a tiny sense of release.

An old couple ambled by arminarm, chatting about the weather. Sarah smiled as they bid her good morning. ‘Morning,’ she replied, with fake cheer. But once they’d passed, Sarah stood in silence until they were completely out of earshot. Greenley was a wonderful, friendly place, but it really needed to work on its timing. When Sarah turned back around, Ben was standing up and he was angry. His face was tight and it was an expression she’d never seen before.

‘You think I had an affair? With Mrs Arnold? She looks like a garden gnome! How could you ever believe something like that, Sarah? I’d never, ever cheat on your mother.’ He’d slipped back into speaking like her mum was still alive and Sarah wondered if, after all these years, he’d finished grieving. ‘So that’s what all this is about? You think I had an affair with another woman?’

Sarah’s stomach had vaulted and crumpled in on itself. ‘There were rumours,’ she said quietly, keeping her eyes down.

‘And you believed them? How could you believe something like that of me?’ He studied her face.

‘Didn’t you?’ Oh God, had she been wrong? She’d been so sure. But there was such sincerity in his expression. Terror shot through her.

His quiet calm voice exploded with anger. ‘No, Sarah, I didn’t. I would never betray your mother like that. I was stupid, yes, taking money that wasn’t mine, but I loved your mother through and through. She was the only woman in the world for me. Maybe if you’d let me actually speak to you, read my letters or written to me we could have sorted this out years ago. All I get from you is hate and anger.’ Sarah flushed and couldn’t look at him, feeling ashamed. ‘Sometimes, Sarah, you have to admit when you’re wrong and move on. I’m trying, maybe you should too.’ He started to walk away and Sarah felt trapped. She had been wrong. So, so wrong, pushing him away for something he hadn’t even done. She’d based so much of her anger on something that wasn’t true. Just like Finn. How was she getting it all so wrong? He paused and said ‘Goodbye, Sarah,’ then walked away from her. His final words were said with such a cold finality Sarah knew she’d pushed him too far.

Watching his retreating back, she flopped down on the bench, the strength in her legs gone, gripping the edge tightly in her fingertips. She’d been so inflexible, so indignant in her emotions and just as with Finn, she’d been blinkered. Tears fell this time, but not hot, angry tears, the ones that fell now were full of sorrow and regret because seeing Ben walk away she realised that among the chaos she was sure of at least one thing: if her dad hadn’t had an affair she could bring herself to forgive him everything else. She wanted her dad in her life and had only herself to blame if this time he didn’t come back.