Four

Genesis

August 30

Looking up from my phone, where I’d been texting Kye back, my eyes met Bowie’s. I knew without him saying a word what he was thinking. I also knew he was right, but I didn’t want to talk about it. Not tonight. My texting with Kye had become sparse, as had our calls. I didn’t even know when I would see him next, and I was not telling him about Bowie over the phone.

I turned my phone on silent and put it on the dresser before walking over to the bed, where Bowie was propped up, watching me.

“Don’t look at me like that,” I told him as I climbed onto the mattress, then moved over him to straddle his legs.

He put his hands on my thighs. “How?” he asked.

I waved my hand in front of his face. “Like that.”

He grinned then. “What look is that, Gen?”

I sighed dramatically. “That look that says, You need to tell Kye about us. It’s been over two months since we started dating. And I agree, but I need to do it in person.”

Bowie raised an eyebrow. “You are aware that it was me who got fucked over. Not Kye. He did the fucking over. This shouldn’t be a touchy subject for him.”

If it were any other guy, I knew they would struggle to believe that Kye and I were just friends. However, Bowie knew him as well as I did. He knew that Kye was never going to look at me as anything but a friend. He didn’t do relationships. Our friendship was the longest relationship he’d ever had.

I cupped Bowie’s face with my hands. “Trust me, I get that. It’s just that we all have a past. A complex one. So, yes, it will be a big deal that we are back together. And as much as I wish you and Kye could be friends again, I know that you don’t think you can do that. I told you in the beginning that I would never expect you to.”

Bowie ran his hands up my legs, then turned his head to press a kiss on my palm. “Fine. Whatever you want to do,” he said. “I love you, Gen. I’ve fucking loved you since I was a kid. I’m not letting Kye mess with my head again. Whatever hoops you want me to jump through, I’ll jump.”

Smiling, I touched my lips to his. This was comfort. It was security. Knowing that I was loved and I wasn’t going to be alone. Once, I had thought that I needed the butterflies, excitement, thrill, and rush that Kye’s wild, larger-than-life personality offered. But I had been a kid and not understood how the Bowies of the world were the smart choices.

“I love you,” I told him, and I did.

I loved all that he offered me. There was no heartache always there, threatening to tear me apart. I was never forgotten or put on hold. To Bowie, I was number one. He didn’t need strip clubs and numerous women. I was enough.

When he picked me up and laid me on the bed beside him, I stared up at him as he took off his shirt. The bare, tattoo-free chest and defined muscles in his lean build were so different from Kye’s that it was easy not to let myself start fantasizing it was my best friend over me. I could be in the present with Bowie.

He took off his shorts, then began undressing me. There was never a rush to things with him. Bowie was the only guy I’d ever had sex with, so I had nothing to compare it to. The idea of him taking me hard and wanting me so bad that he lost control was for movies and books. I knew it wasn’t reality.

When he slipped inside of me, I held on to him. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the warmth of his body and the connection. I already knew when he found his release, I wouldn’t do the same. I was pretty sure I was broken when it came to that. Sure, I could get myself off with my imagination and a vibrator on my clit, but I didn’t even get the stirrings of one while having sex.

Bowie never asked about that, and I figured it was normal for girls not to get off. Maybe most didn’t. Whatever the case, it didn’t matter. Sex was something that gave men pleasure. They needed it. Although I liked having sex. It gave me a sense of having someone I belonged to.

September 15

“Have you not told your mom about us?” Bowie asked.

I spun around, surprised that he was here. I hadn’t heard him come in, but then I’d been on the phone with my mom. How long had he been standing there, listening?

“Not yet,” I admitted, annoyed that he’d stood there without letting me know he was in my room.

“Why, Gen?” he asked, his eyes narrowing.

I wasn’t sure exactly.

“I need to tell Kye first.” Which was true.

“Then, tell him. Hell, I’ll drive us to Ocala this weekend. You can tell him in person. Then, we can go to your parents’ house together. Tell them. Visit my mom while we’re there.”

The idea of telling Kye made my stomach clench up. I couldn’t do it yet. I didn’t know why, and that was definitely something I needed to work through.

“Not yet. Just … we can wait until Thanksgiving.”

Bowie stared at me. “Thanksgiving?” he asked incredulously. “Are you fucking serious? Gen, my mom knows. She lives on the same street as your parents. I had to make her promise not to say anything to anyone. You want me to tell her to wait until Thanksgiving?”

Yes. Ugh. I hated this.

“I didn’t think about that,” I admitted.

Bowie threw up his hands in frustration. “No, you didn’t! Because you’re too worried about Kye’s feelings! When the hell has he worried about anyone’s feelings? Sure as shit not mine. Not yours. The world revolves around Kye. He thinks of no one but himself. Yet you are all worried about upsetting him, which makes no sense. He didn’t get hurt four years ago. I DID!”

Bowie had never shouted before. At least not at me.

“Kye doesn’t think the world revolves around him. He thinks of others. You don’t know—”

“NO!” Bowie shouted, pointing a finger at me. “YOU don’t know. You never have. You choose to turn a blind eye to all his faults. Why is that, Gen? Why? He doesn’t deserve your loyalty. Is it because you want him? Is that it? He kissed you, and when that sent me away, he never once stepped in and made you his. He didn’t want you then. He doesn’t want you now. You will never have his love, and I am fucking over it. This is just the same as it was before, except this time, I SEE it. I’m not an idiot.”

“Bowie, no,” I argued, starting to panic.

He was misunderstanding all of this.

He held up his hand to stop me from getting any closer to him. “Don’t. Not again. Just don’t,” he said in a calmer tone before turning and stalking off.

I stood there, staring. His words replaying in my head. He was right. About all of it.

The door to the apartment slammed closed, and I winced.

I had done this to myself, and I had no explanation or excuse.

I picked my phone back up and started to hit Kye’s number, then stopped myself. What would I tell him? Why was he the one I always went to? I had Quinn. She’d listen. She would eat Oreo ice cream with me and let me cry. But it was Kye’s arms I needed. Not ice cream.

Giving in because I was weak and I needed to hear his voice, I pressed his number. It rang twice.

“Baby Doll?”

The sound of his voice set me off, and I let out a small sob.

“Hey,” I managed to say.

“What’s wrong? Where are you?” he demanded.

“It’s okay. I just needed to hear your voice.”

“You’re crying. It sure as fuck isn’t okay. No one makes you cry.”

The fierce edge in his voice only made me cry harder.

“Where are you?” he asked again.

“Savannah.”

“Did that bastard you’re dating make you cry?”

I sniffled and closed my eyes tightly. “It was my fault. Not his.”

“Fuck that,” Kye growled over the phone. “Where’s Quinn?”

I wiped at my face while more tears ran down my cheeks. “In class.”

“You got Oreo ice cream?” he asked.

“Yes.”

“Okay, this is what you’re going to do. Go get the ice cream. Get you a spoon. Take it to the sofa and curl up under that ridiculous, fluffy pink throw. Turn on Schitt’s Creek and watch it until I get there. Should take me a little under three hours.”

I sniffled and wiped at my face. “No, you don’t need to come. I’m okay. Really. I just wanted to talk to you for a minute. I’ll be fine.”

“I’m already in the car, Baby Doll. Have been since you let out that first sob.”

I covered my face with my hand. “Kye, go back. I am okay.”

“No.”

“Kye!”

“Baby Doll,” he replied, mimicking my tone.

I sighed and stared at the wall. Deep down, hadn’t I known that he would come? He always came.

That’s why you called him, Genesis. You can lie to yourself all you want, but when life blows up, you want Kye.

“You can’t get here in three hours. That’s reckless.”

“I was north of Gainesville.”

At the strip club. I hated that I felt joy in the fact that I had the power to pull him away from a strip club so easily. I should never have called him.

“Drive carefully.”

“Always,” he assured me.

I turned and headed for the kitchen with the phone pressed to my ear. “I’m getting the ice cream now.”

“That’s my girl,” he said into the phone. “I’ll be there soon.”

“Okay.”

“Wear something sexy,” he teased.

I couldn’t laugh, but I did smile a little. “My flannel pajama pants and your football T-shirt are gonna have to do.”

“My high school one?” he asked.

“Yes.”

“Take off the flannel, and that’ll be better than porn.”

This time, I did laugh.

“That’s what I like to hear. I got my laugh. I’ll be there soon.”

“Kye,” I said before he could hang up.

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

“You need me, I’ll be there. Always.”

We ended the call, and I took my ice cream and spoon to the sofa. I needed counseling. Something was off in my head when it came to Kye. My moods should not be affected by one person. Kye shouldn’t have that kind of power over me. Bowie had said some hurtful things, but they were true. Kye wasn’t ever going to want me that way. The more I let him in like this, the more pain I was causing myself.

Bowie had hurt me, but it had been my fault. I’d asked for it. I just didn’t know how to fix it. Having Kye come here wasn’t the right way to do it. Or maybe it was. While he was here, I could tell him about Bowie. Then have Bowie come over. Apologize. Tell him I was sorry.

I thought about it some more, then shook my head. That wasn’t going to work either. No matter that this was my fault, it was very possible that Kye would kill Bowie for making me cry. I had to think of another way.