I’d had my new mobile phone for three days now and, along with the letter from Jack I couldn’t bear to part with, it was something else I had to have nearby at all times. It was such a wonderful invention I couldn’t understand why I hadn’t got one before. Not only did it mean I could keep in touch with Luke more easily by text message, but I could check my emails on the go and I was becoming rather obsessed with Facebook. I had to confess that when Erin fixed me up with an account I wasn’t sure how much I would use it but I had become friends with so many old antique collectors that Harry and I had met over the years, it had been lovely reconnecting with old colleagues.
Sitting in Phil’s café, mobile still in hand, I scrolled down the screen using my forefinger looking for the camera app, as Erin told me it was called. This morning I had walked out of the house in my new leather jacket and jeans, feeling a million dollars. I left Erin in charge of collecting the van for our trip to the fair in Bridgwater the following morning. Spring was firmly in the air and I wanted to take a picture to send to Luke. He had always adored Parade Gardens as a child and as I glanced out of the café window into the walled gardens opposite, it was wonderful to see the flowers starting to bloom. The park in the heart of the city was always such a riot of colour that Luke and I had loved to visit when we could, even enjoying the concerts in the summer when a band would take to the stand. We’d watch the ducks in the pond and hire a deckchair, surrounded by the sounds of the babbling River Avon and the elegant Bath stone buildings providing an elegant backdrop. This tradition was something we had done right up until he left for New York. Looking at the gardeners toil away getting ready for the upcoming season, a pang of longing flooded through me as it hit me just how far away Luke was. But then I realised that the contraption in my hand was a way of keeping us close. So far, Luke and I were emailing every day and he was also trying to get me to do something called FaceTime which I didn’t understand but Erin promised I’d love once I’d got used to the phone.
At the thought of Erin, I felt a surge of warmth. This added closeness with my son was her doing. She was a very welcome breath of fresh air at a time when I hadn’t known I would need it. Now, I wanted to pay her back for all she was doing for me, which was why I had sought out Phil earlier. He was a wise old thing. I’d watched him snaking his way through the tables, an eager smile for all his customers as he carried a tray laden with coffee and cake.
‘To what do I owe this wonderful pleasure?’ Phil grinned as he passed me my flat white with extra foam, made just how he knew I liked it.
I took a sip, enjoying the first rush of caffeine slipping into my blood stream before I spoke. ‘That’s one of the many things I love about you Phil, you don’t waste time beating about the bush.’
He shrugged and took a sip of his own latte. ‘I don’t see the point. We have been friends for many years now, Lydia. When you get to our time of life there isn’t much time to waste beating a bush. How are things going with Erin?’
I gave him a wry smile. ‘Very well thank you. I’ve become very fond of her since she moved in, but then I think you knew that I might.’
‘I had a feeling the two of you might be well suited,’ he chuckled before looking down at the mobile in my hand. ‘Is she responsible for that too?’
‘Partly,’ I admitted. ‘Since Harry’s death I’ve wondered if I’m too set in my ways. As you say, life is short.’
There was a pause then as we reflected on all that had brought us here. Phil had lost his own wife, Rosa, five years ago and like me he had had a hard time adjusting to life without her. Unlike me he hadn’t needed a lodger, but with no children of their own, he had been lonely and so he had taken in a rescue cat from the nearby shelter. Pico, a boisterous moggy had given him the lifeline he needed and along with the lifetime of memories he treasured of his life with Rosa, Pico helped keep him warm at night.
‘Is that what’s prompted this change of image then?’ he said, gesturing to my new outfit. ‘You look very chic, very Helen Mirren.’
I couldn’t help myself and roared with laughter. ‘Never mind her looks, I wouldn’t say no to her money.’
‘Touché.’ Phil laughed, clinking his cup against mine before he frowned. ‘Though what’s all this about you shouting at some tourists?’
I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. I had been trying to forget about that part of the day. ‘A moment of madness.’
Phil raised an eyebrow. ‘I think you had your new houseguest a little worried.’
I pinched the bridge of my nose. How could I explain? ‘The thing is I just had this great wave of irritation sweep over me,’ I began. ‘I looked at their silly faces, preening, pouting and generally wasting time and I let them have it.’
‘Pretty savagely by the sound of it,’ Phil chuckled.
‘I may have gone a bit far,’ I admitted.
Phil smiled, his expression softening. ‘That’s not like you, Lydia. I mean I know you don’t suffer fools, it’s one of the many, many things I’ve admired about you over the years, but you don’t tend to lose your temper so suddenly. Is everything all right?’
I took a bite of the delicious cake he had pushed my way. Phil always did like to treat me, perhaps he would be able to offer me a slice of much needed advice this morning too.
‘I had a bit of a blast from the past this week. It’s rather shaken me to be honest, got me wondering if I’ve been missing out on life, so I decided to embrace change. I don’t want a life half-lived any more,’ I explained, roughly outlining the letter Erin and I had recently discovered had been hidden from me.
When I finished, I passed the letter across the table for him to read and watched Phil’s face become grave.
‘The very first time you saw this was a few days ago?’ he said, his face pale.
I nodded. ‘And since Erin suggested tracking Jack down, I feel confused. I keep going over my relationship with Harry. Since he died, Phil, I feel as though I didn’t know the man I spent over fifty years with – he kept so many secrets from me. Did he love me at all?’
Phil put the letter down, leaned across the table and clasped my hand. The feel of his rough calloused hand against my smooth one grounded me. ‘I think he loved you very much, Lydia, and that was perhaps the problem. All he wanted was to take care of you and give you the very best life possible. The trouble is you were capable of so much more than he thought.’
‘Or I thought,’ I muttered. ‘Since Harry died I’ve come to realise that I can do things on my own, which makes me wonder if I ought to look for Jack. What will I achieve? My dear old dad used to say there was no point pursing a relationship if it wasn’t going to go anywhere. I keep wondering if I ought to leave it. I mean, even if I do find him, what’s the point? Maybe the answer isn’t Jack or Harry.’
Phil shook his head and rested it on his hand. ‘I think your instincts were right, Lydia. Sometimes we have to look back before we can go forwards. I think you should search for Jack and talk to him.’
I smiled, his kindness striking a chord. ‘Then of course there’s Erin. Since she discovered this letter, she’s had the bit between her teeth. I can’t help feeling this search for Jack is doing her a bit of good too. You know it’s giving her something else to focus on besides that rotten ex of hers.’
Phil frowned. ‘That girl is a treasure. She deserves so much better. I always thought she was too good for Cara. That girl took advantage of Erin but I think she’s only starting to see it now.’
I stiffened, privately thinking the same thing but choosing not to dwell. ‘I want to get her to move forwards.’
‘Has she got a job yet?’ Phil mused.
I shook my head. ‘I don’t want to rush her. Besides, I’ve kept her busy working on the antiques side of things and we’ve got our new fair tomorrow. There’s plenty to keep her occupied.’
‘Ginger wants to go part-time. Her mother isn’t well and she wants to spend more time taking care of her,’ Phil said. ‘I wonder if Erin would like to work here for a bit? Might get her out of the house – when she’s not doing antiques business of course.’
I clapped my hands together in delight. ‘That’s a wonderful idea!’
‘As long as she doesn’t think we’re meddling.’ Phil frowned. ‘I am very fond of Erin; I don’t want her to think I am involving myself in her affairs.’
‘We’re not meddling, we’re looking out for her which is more than that bastard of an ex and her so called best friend ever did,’ I exclaimed.
Phil smirked at my choice of language and said nothing. Before Harry died, the worst expletive I had ever uttered was ‘bloody’. In the last few weeks my language was becoming as coarse as a fishwife’s and I had to admit there was a part of me that was enjoying it. Draining my cup dry, I set it down on the wooden table and glanced across at the community noticeboard. As usual there were the weekly yoga classes, guitar lessons and childminding services offered, but right in the middle was a poster I hadn’t seen before.
Eyes narrowing, I got out of my seat and scurried across the café to take a closer look. Snatching it from the board, I brought it back to Phil and laid it out in front of us.
‘Is this all booked up?’ I asked, stabbing the poster with my forefinger.
Phil raised an eyebrow and shook his head. ‘Ginger knows the organiser – I think she said this morning there were a couple of seats spare.’
‘Not any more there aren’t – book me and Erin on.’ I grinned.
Phil’s jaw dropped to the floor. ‘Lydia, are you sure? I mean this all seems very sudden. Perhaps if you want to go out and socialise more we could go out for a meal? And what about Erin? This may not be something she wants to do.’
I waved away his concerns. ‘Leave Erin to me,’ I declared with confidence.
‘But Lydia,’ Phil cried, his tone beseeching now. ‘Do you honestly think either one of you is ready for speed dating?’
I folded my arms and fixed Phil with my best steely gaze. ‘Not only do I think we are both ready for it, I think we need it. I’m done with missing out on opportunities Phil, and Erin needs to realise that the best thing she ever did was cutting Brad and Cara from her life. The question should actually be, is speed dating ready for us?’