I’ve never liked churches. It’s got nothing to do with religion. It’s more the fact they’re cold – even when it’s a scorching hot June day like today – draughty and, in my experience, usually only full whenever there’s some extreme emotionally charged event like a wedding – or in this case, a funeral.
There were many things in life I never thought I would do. Abseil down a large building, cuddle a snake or bury an ex fiancé who had been just forty-seven. This morning I had woken up feeling sick to my stomach, still umm-ing and ahh-ing over whether or not I should go. I had sat at Lydia’s kitchen table nursing a cup of tea for over two hours, pondering. After all, it wasn’t as if I was part of Brad’s life any more. But he had been such an enormous part of mine, it somehow felt wrong not to say goodbye.
It was Lydia who had helped me come to that conclusion. That morning she had found me, taken my stone-cold cup of tea and replaced it with a fresh one.
‘You know, when I said goodbye to Harry I felt like you do now, I didn’t want to go to his funeral,’ she said in a tender voice, her warm hands clasping my cool ones.
I lifted my head and met her concern-filled eyes. ‘But you had a lifetime together. Of course you were upset, you had every right to be. What right do I have to grieve over Brad? The last time I saw him I wanted to tear him limb from limb.’
Lydia raised an eyebrow. ‘As I recall he deserved it.’
I managed a small smile. ‘Even so, I’m still not sure I should be at his funeral. It doesn’t seem right somehow.’
‘You may not think so now, but in time you will recognise Brad was a very important part of your life,’ Lydia offered. ‘Just because you hated him, just because he treated you appallingly and just because you were no longer together doesn’t mean he isn’t worth saying goodbye to. You’re doing it for yourself, my darling, as much as for him.’
‘Whatever do you mean?’
Lydia paused then as if considering her response. ‘Look, Erin, my reasons for not wanting to say goodbye to Harry might be very different to yours but at the same time I knew that by doing it I would be able to close a chapter and start afresh. Over the years I’ve been to some funerals of people I couldn’t stand.’
I felt laughter bubble up inside of me. ‘Why?’
‘Because they played a big part in my life, Erin, and it allowed me to honour them and tie up any loose ends I might have had with them.’
‘So it gave you closure?’ I ventured.
Lydia wrinkled her nose in disgust. ‘Dreadful American term, but yes, it did give me closure and allowed me to grieve for a part of my life that was now over. Trust me, Erin, you will always regret it if you don’t go.’
Now taking my place on a pew at the back of the church, I felt grateful for her comforting presence beside me as the familiar notes of Morecambe and Wise’s ‘Bring Me Sunshine’, rang out through the church. I raised a smile. This had been the song Brad said he always wanted played at his funeral. He was adamant there were to be no tears, and that his funeral, whenever it would be, should be a celebration of his life. I wasn’t sure Cara would have had the nerve to follow his wishes. She always said the most appropriate funeral song was ‘Angels’ by Robbie Williams. Watching her now at the front, standing next to Brad’s mum and dad as the pall bearers carried the coffin inside, I felt my insides crumble. It dawned on me that Brad had really gone, the coffin right there, just a few metres away confirmation his life had been snuffed out and we none of us would ever see him again.
As the vicar took to the altar, I took a moment to glance around. Brad had always been popular so unsurprisingly the church was packed to the rafters. Everyone from the architectural firm was there, along with all his family and friends. Then there was the family of the little girl whose life Brad had saved. I recognised them from the paper, and my heart went out to them as I saw the woman who I guessed was the little girl’s mum dab at her eyes, no doubt thinking how it could so easily have been her own daughter lying in that coffin.
On the other side of the church were Cara’s family, all sitting alongside Brad’s. At the sight of Jean, Cara’s mum, wiping the tears from her eyes as her daughter leaned over to comfort her, I felt my blood boil. She should be there for Cara not the other way around, but then Jean had always been selfish. I remembered how Jean used to come over to my mum’s house for dinner occasionally and then talk endlessly about herself, never once asking Mum anything. It wouldn’t have mattered, except Jean was so boring – she worked in insurance as an admin manager, but the way she carried on you’d think it was MI5 as she told us every detail, and I do mean every detail, about her day.
I always wondered how Cara had managed to turn out so differently but looking at them together now, Cara leaning on Brad’s mum for support, I realised that actually the apple hadn’t fallen that far from the tree. As I saw Cara’s head turn my way, I slunk further down in my seat ignoring the look of reprisal from Rachel.
‘Sit up,’ she hissed in my ear. ‘You have every right to be here and nothing to be ashamed of. If anyone should be ashamed of their behaviour, it’s bloody Cara.’
‘I shouldn’t have come,’ I whispered. ‘People are looking at me like I’m a circus freak.’
‘Nonsense,’ Rachel said firmly.
‘Bollocks!’ hissed Lydia.
Rachel stifled a giggle. ‘What she said.’
I turned to look at Lydia and saw her mouth was set in a mutinous line as she gazed determinedly to the front.
Somehow her vehement outburst made me relax and although it was wildly inappropriate in a church, it was what I needed to hear. With that I lifted my chin, faced front and as I felt the weight of my two closest friends next to me, I realised just how right they were. I did have every right to be here, to pay my respects and say goodbye.
For the rest of the service I focused on saying goodbye to Brad and all he had meant to me. It wasn’t as hard as I had been expecting, and as the vicar talked about love, bravery and the impact Brad’s soul would have on the little girl he had saved, I felt lighter somehow. Yes, of course it was desperately sad he had been killed, but at least his death hadn’t been in vain. He had died in the pursuit of saving someone else, how many of us would be able to say that?
My gaze landed on Cara, and I saw that she wasn’t finding the same comfort in the vicar’s words as me. Her shoulders were shaking, and great big sobs were convulsing through her body. I was surprised to find I felt sorry for her. Although she was no longer my friend, I knew she had a tough road ahead – alone, bereaved and pregnant.
As the funeral drew to a close, I made my way out into the fresh air, intending to leave without fuss. Brad was having a cremation and I knew that many of the well-wishers would be going to the pub nearby for the wake, but I planned to make my excuses and leave. Putting my hand on the cold metal gate, I felt relief I’d managed to avoid Cara, when a loud squeal made me pause.
‘What’s wrong?’ I asked, whirling around to find Lydia looking frantic.
‘I forgot my handbag,’ she groaned. ‘I left it inside.’
‘Do you want me to go back and get it for you?’ Rachel asked, knowing I wanted to get away. ‘You two can go on ahead then.’
Lydia waved her suggestion away. ‘That’s kind of you, but I ought to go. The vicar is the same one that performed Harry’s funeral and I should pay my respects.’
Rachel made a face. ‘He also married me and Lily. I ought to say something too.’
I looked at them aghast. ‘You can’t leave me here on my own! I’ll be a sitting target! Look, they’re all pouring out of the church now, I’ll never escape all their questions about what went wrong between me and Brad as well as their looks of pity.’
We all turned and looked at the throng gathering outside, some making their way towards the gate.
‘Well, why don’t you go on ahead of us? We won’t be long and will catch you up.’ Rachel suggested.
‘Are you sure?’
‘Of course.’ Lydia smiled. ‘See you in a few minutes.’
With that they turned to go, and I laid my hand back on the gate, only to hear the voice I had been dreading hearing shout suddenly from behind.
‘Erin! Erin, wait!’ a voice called.
Dread flooded through me as I turned around and came face to face with Cara.
‘You came,’ she said with a wan smile.
I gave a brief nod of my head as I took in her appearance. She looked awful. Her face was tear-stained and blotchy, bags hung under her eyes that were so deep, even Lily would have struggled to disguise them with make-up. That, and she’d lost huge amounts of weight, which I knew for a pregnant woman was far from ideal.
‘I’m so pleased,’ she breathed, placing a hand on her stomach to steady herself. ‘Brad would have wanted you here. He still loved you, you know.’
I took a deep breath and said nothing. I wasn’t in the mood to be patronised by Cara. ‘How are you coping?’
‘Fine, okay, you know,’ she said, tears starting to pool in her eyes. ‘Mum’s been with me for support.’
At that we both rolled our eyes in understanding, sure of just how much support Jean would have been.
‘And the baby?’ I tried again. ‘You look like you’re not really taking care of yourself.’
Cara stroked her stomach. ‘It’s been difficult, I haven’t really felt like eating since Brad’s been gone, there just hasn’t seemed much point…’
Her voice trailed off and I felt myself melt just a little. ‘You must try Cara, for the baby’s sake, if not your own. You have to think about him or her now.’
‘I know,’ she said quietly. ‘But don’t you think it’s ironic that Brad’s life had to be snuffed out in order for his child’s to carry on?’
‘Don’t say that,’ I said, walking forwards and suddenly taking hold of her hand. ‘This was just a horrible, horrible accident. This child you’re carrying is a part of Brad, he will always be with you.’
Cara nodded and the tears she had managed to keep at bay for the past few minutes now streamed like the Niagara Falls down her cheeks. ‘I know. I just don’t think I can carry on without him Erin.’
With that she fell to her knees and I joined her, pulling her close towards me as if she were no more than a baby herself. ‘You will never get over this,’ I said, remembering the words Lydia had so wisely said to me just a few months earlier. ‘But you will learn to live with it. It will get easier.’
‘It won’t,’ she sobbed, her tears soaking through my coat. ‘It won’t, Erin, and you know what, I don’t want it to. Because this pain that I feel is a way of honouring all that Brad was. I don’t want to live if that means living in a world without Brad in it. I need him, Erin, I just can’t function without him, I don’t know what to do.’
As Cara sobbed her heart out, I said nothing as I held her tightly. I had never seen Cara so upset, so heartbroken before. Sure, she had been upset when Ian had cruelly dumped her but there was something about Cara’s behaviour now that was frightening me.
‘Cara, you’re really going to have to try,’ I said gently. ‘Brad would hate to see you like this, you must know that.’
‘I do,’ she replied, her voice trembling. ‘That’s just what makes all this so hard Erin. I feel like I’m letting him down.’
‘You’re not letting anyone down,’ I soothed.
She pulled away then and looked at me with her big red-rimmed eyes. ‘I let you down Erin. I keep wondering if Brad died because of the way I took him from you. Is this my punishment? I’m sorry, Erin. If I could go back and change everything I would. I should never have taken him from you. I would never, ever have taken him from you if it meant he would have lived.’
‘Cara, you have nothing to apologise for,’ I began earnestly. ‘Because you know what I’m beginning to realise? You and Brad were meant for each other in a way we very clearly weren’t. You shouldn’t say sorry for taking him from me, because he was never mine in the first place.’